Crossing the Ice (31 page)

Em reached out to me. “Court, I don’t know what—”

I jerked my arm away. “You did this.”

Her eyes watered, and I choked on my own tears as I said louder, “You did this. You brought them to our rink, and you let them take this away from us.”

“Court…” Em croaked.

“You promised me. Four years ago you promised you would do whatever you could to help us make the team.” My voice broke with a sob. “How could you do this?”

Sergei put his hand on my shoulder. “We did all we could—”

I pulled back and shook my head. “I don’t wanna hear it.”

He tried to get me to stay, but I walked with purpose to the tunnel leading to the ice. Mark was there, staring blankly into space, and thankfully alone. He was the only person I could stand to see. The only person who would understand the anger and sadness I felt.

When he looked at me with his despondent gaze, my face crumpled, and he wrapped me in a hug. I didn’t think I had any tears left, but they kept coming. I turned my head to the side, and I sucked in a breath when I saw Josh hesitantly coming toward us.

He didn’t look like someone who’d just achieved his dream. His mouth was turned down, and his eyes were filled with anguish. My emotions were so torn up and mixed up. There was no way I could handle talking to him. I put my arm around Mark’s waist and pulled him with me to the boards.

We watched in silence as the volunteer crew assembled the podium on the ice. I scanned the small crowd that had remained for the ceremony and spotted my parents in the front row across the way. Em’s Aunt Debbie and the twins sat next to them. I felt another round of tears building as I thought about the disappointment Mom and Dad must be experiencing. They’d spent so much of their hard-earned money on my skating, all for me to chase this dream, and I had come up short twice. It had all been for nothing.

The other medalists gathered around us, and finally the presentation began. Rebekah and Evan were introduced first, and they skated over to the podium. I continued to avoid Josh as he and Stephanie waited for their names to be called. After they received their introduction and took their place on the second tier, Mark and I skated out to take our bows. We made our way to the podium and gave Rebekah and Evan congratulatory hugs, and I tensed all over as I approached Stephanie and Josh.

I didn’t want to hug Stephanie. I wanted to smack the triumphant smile off her face. But I was going to act like a classy competitor. We both leaned in and touched each other’s shoulders, giving one another the most affection we could stomach.

I stepped sideways in front of Josh and kept my tunnel vision on his chest, doing everything I could not to look into his eyes. He put his arms around me and held me warmly to his body, but I remained stiff. If I let myself soften against him, all the feelings I was holding in would flood out.

Mark and I moved to our designated spot on the opposite side of Rebekah and Evan, and we applauded the fourth-place team, winners of the pewter medal. Once we’d all received our medals and bouquets of flowers, we had to pose for the official photographs. I tried to force my mouth into a smile, but for some reason I just succeeded in making my eyes water again. As the flash bulbs fired, I fought to think of something positive about not making the team. At least Mom and Dad would save the money they were going to spend on the trip to Vancouver. Maybe they could use it to go on a trip that wasn’t skating-related. They hadn’t been able to do that in years.

After the photos we were instructed to take a victory lap, and I cut mine short when I reached the spot where my parents stood. Em’s aunt had taken the twins a few seats away, probably to give us a minute alone. Dad took off his glasses and wiped his eyes, and I totally lost it. He
never
cried. I gave Mom my bouquet and blubberingly attempted to speak, and she embraced me and let me quietly cry on her shoulder.

“We couldn’t be more proud of you,” she said through her sniffles.

“Coco!” Quinn squealed.

She escaped her aunt and squeezed between my parents. I dried my face with the back of my hand and leaned down to give her a hug. Alex soon joined us, not wanting to be left out.

“You hear us cheer for you?” Quinn asked. “We yell loud!”

“I did.” I nodded as I continued to dab the corners of my eyes.

“Why you cry? You got a medal.” Quinn pointed to the bronze hanging around my neck.

I wouldn’t be able to explain the Olympic team situation to her without dissolving into tears again. “I um… I’m just happy we skated so well.”

We had to clear the ice, so I gave the twins goodbye hugs and told my parents I’d see them at the hotel. When I got backstage, Em and Sergei were talking to Mark, and I caught the tail end of the conversation with Mark saying, “I don’t care. I’m done.”

Sergei turned to me and spoke gently, “We were telling Mark you might be named to the World team or the Four Continents team.”

Four Continents? That event was in Korea in ten days. No way would I be in any kind of mental shape to compete there. Worlds wasn’t until March, but…

“I’m done,” Mark repeated. “That was the best we’ve ever friggin skated, and it wasn’t good enough. I’m not doing this anymore. Consider this my official retirement statement.”

He stalked off to the locker room, and I stared down at the concrete floor. So that was the end of our partnership. I’d expected a grand finale on Olympic ice where we’d stand on the painted rings and celebrate a decade of skating together.

“Court, can we talk?” Em asked.

I looked up at the woman who’d been my role model since I was twelve years old. My coach. My mentor. My friend. But all I saw now was the person who had broken her promise and had broken my heart.

“I can’t,” I said, my voice wavering.

I changed out of my costume as quickly as I could and headed for Riverfront Park. The air smelled of rain, and I trudged through the small puddles and paused on the bridge. Resting my elbows on the railing, I closed my eyes and listened to the rushing water, hoping the peaceful sound would ease the tightness in my chest.

“Court?”

I didn’t need to open my eyes to know who’d spoken my name. The tug on my heart said it all.

I felt Josh stand beside me, and his hand touched the small of my back. Tears pricked the backs of my eyelids.

“Court, I’m so—”

“Don’t.” I moved away from him. “Please don’t say you’re sorry.”

He pushed his hand through his hair. “I… I don’t know what else to say…”

“You can’t be sad. You have to enjoy this and be happy. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

“I can’t be happy when you’re in so much pain.”

I stared at him, letting what he’d said sink in. If our positions were reversed — if I’d made the team and he hadn’t — I knew I would be happy. I would feel awful for him, but I’d be more happy than sad. Was I a terribly selfish person? Maybe I didn’t know what it meant to love someone after all.

“Then we should continue to keep our distance,” I said.

I didn’t think he could possibly look any more distraught, but my words brought a new level of sadness to his eyes.

“Are you using this as an excuse to push me further away?”

I lowered my gaze and hugged my arms to my body. If my feelings for him weren’t as real as I’d thought, I needed more time to figure out what I wanted. Nothing made any sense anymore.

“It’s just… it’s best this way. For both of us.”

“I know you’re scared about the future, but I want to be here for you now.”

“You can’t. You can’t be the one to comfort me.” My voice became higher and shakier. “
You’re
the reason I’m in pain.”

He took a hard swallow. “Court—”

“I can’t be around you, and you’re better off not being around me.”

I left before he could try to stop me. I hurried through the park, trembling from the cold and from holding back the sob in my throat. If I didn’t truly love Josh, then why did walking away from him hurt so much?

****

“I’d rather go jump in the ice-cold river than do this,” Mark muttered.

I couldn’t say I disagreed. We stood beside the Fan Fest stage outside the mall with our fellow medalists, waiting for the pairs victory ceremony to begin. The event organizers had thought it would be a treat for the fans to see us on stage and listen to a Q&A session with us. They obviously hadn’t considered that the medalists who hadn’t made the Olympic team wouldn’t exactly be in a celebratory mood.

Only a few hours had passed since the competition had ended, and my eyes still felt swollen. I’d redone my make-up so I wouldn’t look completely pitiful, but I couldn’t hide the evidence of all the crying I’d done. It would’ve been a lot more convenient if they’d held the event during daylight when I could wear sunglasses.

Josh and Stephanie stood ahead of us with their parents, and I turned so my back faced them. Josh had respected my request and hadn’t spoken to me. From what I’d seen he wasn’t doing much speaking to anyone. His parents and Stephanie seemed to be dominating the conversation while he quietly observed the large crowd.

The emcee called the four teams up to the stage, and I bundled my knit scarf tighter around my neck. If at any point I felt like I was going to cry, I could choke myself until the urge subsided. The bright lights on the stage blinded me from seeing faces in the audience, but I could hear the loud cheers. Someone began chanting, “USA! USA!” and it quickly spread through the crowd.

I tugged hard on the fringed ends of my scarf.

Mark stuck his hands in his jacket and clenched his jaw. I seriously feared he might go postal if he was asked about the competition. And if I tried to step in, I’d probably have an emotional meltdown. That would be the perfect ending to this terrible day — Mark spewing curse words and me sobbing uncontrollably in front of hundreds of people.

I zoned out while the emcee talked to Rebekah and Evan but lifted my head when he asked Josh about making the Olympic team. Josh leaned into the microphone and cleared his throat.

“It um… it hasn’t really sunk in yet. But we’re excited to go to Vancouver and represent U.S. pairs.”

Stephanie grabbed the mic. “It’s an absolute dream come true. This is the best day of my life.”

Tug. Tug. Tug.

The emcee came over to Mark and me, and I held my breath.
Please don’t mention the Olympics. Please don’t mention the Olympics.

“Courtney and Mark,” the gray-haired man said as he glanced at the card in his hand. “How have you enjoyed these championships here in Spokane?”

How have I enjoyed the championships? Can’t you see I’m in a state of total devastation?!

Mark looked at me, and I scrambled to think of something to say. It was probably best he not speak, but now I had to pull myself together and address the crowd without cracking.

“Everyone has been so nice and supportive,” I said. “They’ve made us feel very welcome here.”

The audience applauded as did the emcee. “I’m so glad to hear that. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all for letting us share in your triumphs and your Olympic journey. How about another round of applause for these wonderful athletes?”

The fans erupted with cheers, and I managed a weak smile. I couldn’t stand to hear the word
Olympic
any longer. And I was going to hear nothing but that over the next week in Spokane. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stay there. Besides all the Olympic hype, Josh would be there all week because he and Stephanie had to perform in the Exhibition and attend the fancy team dinner. I’d run into him everywhere.

As soon as I got back to the hotel I changed my flight to go home with Mom and Dad the next day. I’d promised Liza I’d be her roommate in Spokane, but she would have to understand. She’d texted me how sorry she was after the competition, one of many sympathy texts I’d received from friends and family, some I hadn’t talked to in forever.

I paused in the middle of packing and sat beside the pile of clothes on the bed. As I was about to call Liza, my skate bag in the corner of the room caught my eye. I’d flung it there when I’d come back from the arena.

I was never going to roll that bag to another practice, onto another bus, into another arena. I was never going to have the chance to compete again.

My eyes brimmed with tears, and I brought my knees up to my chest. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. I hadn’t prepared myself for my final skate, and now it was already gone. I laid my head on my knees and wept again, not because of the four hundredths of a point, but for the huge part of my life that was over.

When I’d cried myself out and cleared my vision to see the phone, I took a deep breath and dialed Liza. It rang five times before she answered with a sad, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“How are you doing?”

“Well, I’ve gone two minutes without crying, so that’s an improvement.”

“I’m so,
so
sorry.”

I reclined back against the plump pillows and stared at the ceiling. “I have to talk to you about next week. I can’t stay here. It would just be too hard.”

“You’re leaving Spokane?” She grew louder.

“I’m sorry. I know you wanted me to room with you so your mom wouldn’t, but I have to go home. This place is all about skating and the Olympics and I can’t handle it.”

“But you said you’d be there.” Disappointment laced every word. “We’ll stay in the room when I’m not practicing and competing. We can eat room service and watch DVDs. I just got the second season of
Gossip Girl
.”

I rubbed my forehead. I hated bailing on Liza when she needed a friend. She was going to be super nervous competing for the first time as a senior at nationals. But I didn’t know if I’d be the best company for her with how upset and bitter I was. She needed positive energy around her, and there was nothing positive about me right now.

“I’m really sorry, but I already changed my flight. I’m going home tomorrow.”

She stayed quiet for a minute. “Then I guess I’ll have my mom breathing down my neck twenty-four-seven.”

“Call me anytime you need to talk.”