Crushing Desire (9 page)

Moments later, Reena watched as Michael rode away in his carriage, Emily at her side.

“Emily, would you give me some time alone with Joshua?”

Emily gazed over at her for a moment, a frown creasing her forehead. “Are you certain you wish to be alone? I could make rounds.” That was their term for Emily coming every so often to check on Reena, keeping her safe without interrupting her visit. “You know I’ll never abandon you, Reena. Men will profess love, propose, and dance a jig, whatever it takes to make a girl compromise her virtue for him.”

“No, we both know Joshua would never try such tactics with me. I trust him. He would not hurt me, and he has no designs upon my person.”

“If you need me, you shout.” They turned toward the manor, seeing that Joshua stood in the shadows of the gazebo watching them.

Half an hour later, Emily dozed in a chair in the gardens while Joshua walked with Reena by the nearby stream.

“I suppose you are curious about why I came.” He still held the weighty box that he’d arrived with. He motioned her to a fallen log, laying his overcoat upon it, and they sat.

Reena stared into his eyes, wishing that she could be someone different. Someone that he could want, need, and love. Someone like his petite wife had been. She wanted to be a dark haired beauty, full of grace and style, but she knew she could only be herself, and truth told, she liked who she was on the inside.

“I’m always delighted when you come to visit, no matter the reason.” Reena examined the box he held.

He looked down, his hands moving to untie the string that held the package closed.

“I thought you might like to see the chess set that I bought.”

Reena turned to face him more fully, bringing her hands together in front of her.

“I should love to see the chess set.” She bit her lip, clasping her suddenly trembling hands together in her lap. She would at last see the queen that reminded him of her.

He pulled a chessboard out of the box. The hand painted colors were stunning, and the strokes of the knife could hardly be seen in the carved surface. The set must have taken its maker weeks to carve the base alone. Joshua drew two wooden boxes from the bottom of the large box and placed the chessboard back inside. He opened the first box of pieces. The black side featured a black haired king and queen, moss covered castles, and a dark knight on a shadowy mare. The impressive detail and beauty of the set stole Reena’s breath. She touched the intricate folds of the bishop’s robes and marveled at the deep age lines in his face.

The light side of the chess set was extraordinary. The white knight’s horse reared on its hind legs, while the knight held his sword aloft. The small figurine of the handsome king was divine, his visage quite like Joshua’s. The hair on the small figure of the queen was golden, and the eyes shimmered with a combination of blue and grey. Reena could see how the queen would remind him of her. The full breasts and hips were covered demurely with a flowing gown that swept out to form the base for the piece. Even the coloring seemed to match hers. There was a hint of pink in the bared skin that matched hers. The odd combination of socially undesirable features didn’t seem so unappealing when she observed the figure, in fact, she seemed quite beautiful. Reena couldn’t help but wonder if Joshua too found the statuette beautiful and perhaps, by extension, Reena herself.

“Oh, it’s lovely. It must have taken a long while to finish.”

Joshua studied her as she examined the set, making her skin tingle under his attentive gaze. The strange heat that she saw in his eyes made her want to move closer. She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, nibbling on it.

“You see why she reminds me of you?” Their fingers touched as he took the figure from her. “Lovely,” he said so quietly that Reena wasn’t sure she’d heard him.

Her eyes met his, and he tenderly placed the queen next to her king. Her fingers were still warm from where his had touched hers. The heat of his body against her arm, even with a hands width between them, had her fanning herself.

The story of Emily and her husband popped into her head. The kiss that Emily had taken had been the start of their courtship. Squeezing her hands into rigid fists, she stared into his eyes for a moment, her breathing erratic as she gathered her nerve. Her hands shot out and grasped his greatcoat, pulling him toward her. Pursed lips, though aiming for his, missed and bumped instead into his nose. The sudden impact of her body against his knocked Joshua from the tree trunk, and his bottom landed on the ground.

“What the…?” he asked from his spot on the ground, his eyes wide.

 
“I-I-I’m sorry.” Reena jumped up. “I should go.” She hurried toward the house before he could see her tearing eyes.

Reena ran straight for her room and her bed. Once there, she threw herself on top of the pillowy surface.

“Oh you fool!” She beat her breast with a fist. “Silly, stupid fool!” Burying her face in her hands, she ignored the sound of Emily’s quiet entry.

“Was it really that bad?” Emily’s brows came together.

“Why am I such a fool, Emily? Why can’t I give up on these ridiculous notions?”

“What happened, dear one?”

Reena sat up, dragging a soft pillow with her. “I kissed him… Or at least I tried.” She told her of what happened, Emily winced, and Reena buried her face in her pillow.

“What did he say?”

“What do you think he said?” Reena asked, her voice muffled by the pillow for a moment before she lifted her countenance to meet Emily’s yet again. “He was furious and dumbfounded that I had dared to do such a thing. I knew it was a mistake,” she admitted, twisting the pillow in her hands. “I just couldn’t stop myself…”

Emily sat next to her, arm around her shoulder. “It’s all right.”

“How is it all right?” Reena slammed the pillow on the bed, fighting the urge to beat at her breast once more. “How can I even face him after the fool I made of myself?”

“This will disappear,” Emily replied. “You have shared three kisses with this man, and each time, you are sure that he’ll never wish to see you again. That something went wrong, and he will shun you.” Emily hauled Reena’s shoulders so that she faced her. “But have you ever noticed that he is still around? That he still speaks to you the same as ever? This will disappear, and you two will be the same as ever.”

“But I don’t want the same as ever,” Reena whispered.

Emily pulled her into an embrace. “Things will work themselves out my dear. We will figure a way.”

Chapter Nine

The next evening was sultry. A slight breeze blew through the trees, making them dance and sway to its music. The exotic scent of jasmine mingled with the sweet aroma of roses wafting from the nearby flowers. Reena breathed deep. Michael handed her into his carriage and then Emily behind her before stepping in himself.

He was particularly fine-looking tonight. His long black overcoat covered him from neck to ankles and he wore a hat low over his pale blond hair. His features were not rugged like Joshua’s, but boyishly handsome.

“You look so pretty tonight, Reena.” He leaned toward her. “As do you Emily.”

Emily harrumphed. “Cheeky.”

The older woman soon drifted off, rocked to sleep by the rolling motion of the carriage.

“I have a gift for your birthday,” he said when he was sure she slept. He reached into his coat and pulled out a cloth wrapped package.

“But it’s not my birthday yet.” Reena smiled in delight.

“A woman stunning as you should get gifts every day.” His knuckles brushed her fingers.

Michael didn’t compliment her as his brothers did, so the compliment struck her hard. Reena opened the string that held the cloth closed. She moved the soft fabric back to reveal a small leather-bound book and bit her lip on glimpsing the title. It was a book of etiquette that was very popular.

“Oh, thank you, Michael, it’s wonderful.”

“I have a grand time planned for us tonight.” Michael’s eyes sparkled.

The brothers’ competition ensured that any night with one of them would be a great night. Reena pressed her lips together, knowing that she could never tell him as much.

“What is this wonderful plan then, sir?”

“We are going to the river. I have a special night intended for us indeed.” His smile reached his sparkling eyes, and he took her fingers in his.

She allowed him to hold her hand. Out of all her suitors, she liked Michael the best. He was kind, funny, and considerate. Despite the knowledge that it was really the rivalry that drew him to her, she always enjoyed his company.

“I have been looking forward to it all day.” It was true to a point. She had pleasant anticipations of their picnic, but when she had tried to kiss Joshua all else had fled from her mind. From that moment to this, her thoughts had wandered back to the foolish action.

Michael’s thumb caressed her wrist, returning her mind to him. His touch was pleasant, and she did not pull away. Many of her other suitors had tried to touch her, or kiss her, though none had succeeded in more than an attempt. None of them even came close to making her blood boil as Joshua always did.

The sudden intensity of his gaze held hers. Nervously she licked her lips, and his breath caught. His mouth lowered toward hers. She swallowed hard, wondering if she should let him kiss her. Wondering what his kiss would be like. Would it be fiery like Joshua’s, or forceful like Dan’s?

Joshua’s face filled her mind, and she turned her head slightly at the last second. His mouth fell on the corner of her lips. There was a moment’s hesitation in the sweetness of the kiss, as though he expected to be slapped. His lips brushed hers softly, and pleasant warmth filled her. His hand released hers and came to her cheek, his thumb caressing her jaw.

It was agreeable, and yet somewhere in the back of her mind Reena felt she was betraying Joshua. It was an odd thought. After all, Joshua wasn’t even courting her. Joshua’s face morphed in her mind, and she saw him lying on the ground as he was after her botched kiss, eyes wide, mouth open.

Michael’s mouth slid to cover her lips more fully. Her mind screamed at her to stop him with the image of Joshua’s face floating in her head. She tried to tell herself that if she continued to wait for him, she would soon find herself a spinster. Her nineteenth birthday was days away. She might be put on the shelf if she didn’t find a husband in the next year or so.

She broke off the kiss and looked out the carriage, her fingers wiping discreetly at her lips. His kiss had not been unpleasant, not that she was a consummate judge of course, but there was no fire. When she was confronted by an amorous suitor, there was always the concern that he would eventually seduce her. Yet she was even more worried in some ways that she would not be seduced, by anyone. Ever. That she would become a dried up spinster, destined to chaperone nieces, and grandnieces until at the last she died alone, having never known the truth about love, passion, and the difference between them.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself,” he said. Reena shifted back to face him, and Michael’s eyes softened. Then as he always did, he turned to jokes. “It’s the full moon, you know, turns us men into raging beasts.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

She hoped he didn’t think there was a problem with him—that she disliked him personally. He was wonderful; she was the one with the problem. A tall, blond problem that her heart refused to fix.

“No, it was lovely. I…I was concerned that Ms. Benton would wake.”

Emily stirred, mumbled and slept on. Reena suppressed the smile that fought to come.

“Of course. I do suppose I could have been a tad more discreet, couldn’t I?” His huge grin lit up his whole face, and he took her hand again, entwining his fingers in hers. “But alas, we brutish men and that enticing full moon. I may not be able to control myself tonight. I may have to kiss you again. In a more discreet location, of course.”

He leaned in, his breath hot against her neck.

“Perhaps the neck? Or the ear?” he whispered.

The thought of his warm lips on her collar where his breath fanned her was surprisingly sensual. Reena found herself holding her breath, waiting to see if Michael would move his lips there now when she realized that she was imagining him to be Joshua.

As Joshua came to her mind again she ran her tongue over her lower lip, facing the curtained window. The coach heaved to a stop, and Reena could hear running water as the nearby river raced along its banks. Thick trees lined the water on both sides, and the clean scent of nature permeated the carriage. Michael stepped down, handed her down and started away from the vehicle.

“But, Emily...,” she began.

“She’ll be all right. We need some privacy tonight anyhow.” He continued along the river.

Reena walked with him, her heart beating hard. Was he going to ask her?
No, surely not.
Perhaps she should insist they get Emily. But if she did, any chance of a romantic proposal would be lost. But did she want a proposal? If he did, could she bring herself to say yes? Could she marry this man and face the gut wrenching guilt that might fill her at his every touch for the rest of her life? And what if he only hoped to lull her into a sense of security so that he could seduce her.

She had just decided that she would insist that they get Emily when the river unexpectedly widened.

Reena gasped at the delightful little waterfall that she’d known nothing about. It ran into a pool that, in turn, formed the long river. The sparkling water shimmered as it moved beneath the light of the stars and moon. There was a thin white blanket surrounded by partially buried candles a few steps from the water. Rose petals were strewn about the blanket, which flickered yellow in the candlelight.

Michael plucked out his pocket watch, and Reena realized that he’d done this several times since coming to collect her. She wondered what he was waiting for and what was about to happen when all of a sudden fireworks exploded above them. The night sky filled with sparkles of light that burst apart in the air and fell gracefully back to earth. The surface of the water reflected the lights, and Reena clapped her hands in excitement.

“Oh lovely!” she exclaimed, bouncing.

“My thoughts exactly,” Michael’s voice held a husky note.

Another explosion and another shower of sparks danced across the heavens. For several minutes, they stood transfixed, her staring at the fireworks.

Without warning, he pulled her into his embrace.

“You look so exquisite tonight. All things pale before beauty like yours.” His lips pressed against her jaw in a sweet kiss, and then he was enticing her toward the blanket.

Her cheeks warmed at the compliment. She knew that it was another part of his seduction attempt, but she couldn’t seem to make herself care. Joshua’s rejection and her need to be wanted conspired to steal all rationale from her. For tonight, perhaps she could pretend he was Joshua and let herself live out the fantasy. Let this go as far as it would and be the belle of the ball escorted out by the man she truly loved with the intent to propose, to seduce, to love.

Michael led Reena to the small blanket by the edge of the water.

“How did you find this place?” Reena examined the secluded, tree-lined clearing.

He took her hands in his.

“I knew that I needed a special place for us tonight.” He pulled her hands to his chest. “My mother told me that my father took her here on a night that was very special to them, so naturally I wanted to bring you here too.”

Reena closed her eyes. Michael’s arms enfolded her. She was lost in the dream now, her body leaning into his as he spoke of her beauty and how perfect the night was.

His lips lowered to hers again.

“I love you, Reena.” His mouth found hers.

She kissed him back this time, gently brushing her lips against his.

This is a mistake. Regrets… Lots and lots of regrets
.

She ignored her mind’s warning, but she couldn’t ignore its wish that another man was the one here with her. A man with sky blue eyes and deep dimples. She closed her eyes, trying to remove his image from her mind, or perhaps trying to hold it, she wasn’t sure which. Michael lowered her to sit on the bed of roses. The soft fragrance of the petals, mixed with the jasmine that she wore, reminded her of the manor. Of Joshua hunkered next to her, scanning the book she read, or sitting with her while they discussed every topic imaginable.

She reminded herself of his rejection. Told herself that if Michael was to propose, she should accept gratefully. Her mind, however, was as stubborn as always. All his rejections, her years of longing, the embarrassment of her attempted kiss, all of it meant nothing in the face of never having him with her again. Even if she could only anticipate a long and amusing chat by the river, it would be enough so long as she could have some part of him. She couldn’t allow herself to do this. Already Reena knew that she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she accepted another man, even if he was a kind man who had done her no wrong.