Crystal Lies (23 page)

I frowned. “I don’t think anyone knows how I feel right now.”

“You feel like a failure. You feel like giving up…like God has turned his back on you.”

I studied him closely. “And…I feel like I’ve lost my son.”

“You haven’t lost him yet.”

“Meaning,
I could
”

“It’s always a possibility.”

“I’d better go,” I said. “I’d better go find him.”

“He can still change his mind, Glennis.”

“Right.” I’m sure my doubt was obvious.

Jacob was standing by the Range Rover, smoking. It was the first time I’d seen him smoke, but even so I was slightly shocked. “You smoke?” He shrugged.

I wanted to grab him and shake him and say,“What’s wrong with you?” But instead I unlocked the Range Rover and climbed in and waited as he finished his cigarette.

Finally he got in. “There are worse things, Mom.”

I nodded. “Yes, you’ve made me well aware of that.”

He turned and faced me. “Look, Mom, I don’t need this place. The people in there are a bunch of losers. Did you see them?”

“Who?”

“The patients.”

“But they’re in there for help,” I tried.

“But you should see them, Mom. They’re a mess. This one woman… she was like about forty and totally out of her head. She was in the detox area barfing her guts out. It was sick.”

“But she’s trying to get help,” I said.

“Yeah.” He shook his head. “She needs it.”

“But, Jacob—”

“I’m not like them, Mom. I’m not that messed up.”

“But you’re using—”

“I can stop anytime I want.” He nodded his head. “I can stop right now. In fact, I think I will. What day is it today?” I considered this. “I think it’s November 8.”

“Okay, then, on November 8 Jacob Harmon has officially quit using crystal meth. There, are you happy now?”

I didn’t know what to say. “I wish it could be that easy, Jacob.”

“It is that easy, Mom. Don’t you get it? I just quit. I kicked the habit. End of story. Watch me and you’ll see.”

“But, Jacob—”

“Don’t you believe in me, Mom? Don’t you think I have the will power to kick this thing on my own?”

“I don’t know…”

“Crud, Mom. I would think that you of all people would believe in me.”

“I
do
believe in you, Jacob. It’s just that I think you need some additional help. At least you could go to some meetings and—”

“That’s for losers. Look, I had a bad habit. I’ll admit to that. But it was just for fun. Recreational, you know. I’m done with it now. Really, you gotta trust me on this, Mom.”

I just shook my head. I didn’t know what to say, what to do. I wanted to believe him. And I certainly didn’t want my lack of confidence to trip him up. Finally I nodded. “Okay, Jacob, I do believe you can do this. But are you sure you don’t want any help? What about Jack Smart downstairs? He’s such a nice guy Maybe you could go to AA with him.”

Jacob actually seemed to consider this. “Yeah, I suppose I could do that, Mom. Would it make you feel better if I did?”

I smiled. “I think it really would. And it couldn’t hurt, could it?”

He shrugged. “Probably not.”

“And Jack does seem kind of lonely. I’m sure he’d like to get to know you. I think he said the AA meetings are on Wednesday nights, but maybe you could stop by and ask him for the specifics. I wrote down his apartment number somewhere.”

I was rambling now, probably a result of stress and nerves as well as
disappointment mixed with hope. But I realized there wasn’t much I could do besides move on. So I started the engine and began driving toward town. By now I knew enough to realize that this plan with Jack and AA probably wouldn’t work. But what else did I have? And, I asked myself, what if Jacob’s plan could work? What if Jacob and Jack formed a real friendship, and what if Jacob really opened up to the old guy and managed to work some things out? And what if AA meetings really helped Jacob? Maybe he’d come to accept that recovery groups weren’t so bad after all. Okay, it was a long shot, and someone like Marcus would probably think I was a fool to nurture such feeble hopes. But what can a mother do?

I have been wrong about so many things in life. Why was I surprised to find out I was wrong about Jacob? Again. Not only did he completely avoid every attempt made by Jack Smart to get him to attend an AA meeting, but he continued to deceive me over and over about what was really going on in his life. First, he told me he’d gotten a job at another gas station. False. Then he told me that he had to give up the job so Daniel’s band could perform at a local restaurant on weekends. Untrue.

But the worst lie of all was when he would look me straight in the eyes and swear that he was clean. He was convincing, too. And, of course, I wanted to believe him. Jacob put a great deal of effort into appearing credible. He was the master of cover-up and double-talk and smoke screens. And I fell for it. Again and again and again. As a result, I allowed him to stay in my apartment for nearly two weeks during November.

But the day came when I discovered three more used hypodermic syringes wrapped in tissue and discreetly wedged behind the tank of the toilet. Almost unnoticeable. Almost.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” I confessed to Marcus after a codependent session. I think it was about my fifth session by then, and it didn’t seem that I’d progressed at all. I felt certain I was either the most gullible woman on the planet or a born enabler. Or perhaps I was simply stupid.

“You
do
know what to do,” he reassured me.

“Throw him out?” It was as much statement as question. My head knew this was the correct answer. But my heart was still unsure. Marcus said nothing.

“But he hasn’t even been home in three days.” I held up my hands in frustration. “How do you throw someone out who isn’t even there?”

“Maybe you box up his things and—”

“What?” I demanded. “Throw them out the front door? Maybe toss them down on the sidewalk and ignite them?”

He laughed. “Just pack them up and get them out of his room so it won’t be so easy to allow him back in.”

“Seriously?” I considered this. “But really, what am I supposed to do with his stuff once it’s boxed up? Just set it by the door so I have to look at it every day—a reminder that I am throwing my only son out in the middle of November?”

He smiled. “That might not be such a bad thing. Kind of a visual aid, you know? Or maybe you could put his stuff into storage.”

I sighed. “Why does life have to be so complicated?”

Marcus glanced around the nearly empty classroom. “You want to grab a cup of coffee?”

I was caught off guard by this invitation. Was he asking me out? No, of course not, I told myself. He was probably just trying to get me out of the center so they could close up for the night.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m taking up too much of your time. I should just get—”

“No. That’s not what I mean, Glennis. I’m not trying to get rid of you. I only wondered if you’d like to get a cup of coffee and just talk as friends.”

“Just talk?” I queried. “As friends?” He shrugged. “If you’d like to.”

I considered this. I hadn’t really “just talked” to anyone during the
past couple of weeks. Sherry, still grieving over Matthew, had taken some time off work and gone to stay with her mother in the mountains. Other than seeing Jack in the laundry room occasionally, I’d lived the life of a hermit these past few weeks.

“How about it?” Marcus asked.

“That actually sounds kind of good,” I admitted.

We agreed to meet at Starbucks, but as soon as I began driving over, I started to feel nervous. Was I making a mistake? Could this be perceived as a date? And what if someone saw us together? What would they think?

Then I had to remind myself that Geoffrey had served me with divorce papers just last week, and everyone in town seemed to accept that he and Judith were a couple now. I’m sure the story circulating the community was that I had left him. And perhaps that was true. But I knew he had left me long ago.

Then, as if my life wasn’t miserable enough, Geoffrey had decided to sell the Range Rover. He didn’t even ask me about it. And, of course, since he’d purchased it without me, only his name appeared on the tide, so it was legally his property, to do with as he liked. He had “generously” given me a small portion from the sale, which was why I suddenly found myself driving across town in a seven-year-old Taurus. Quite a step down from the Range Rover, I’ll admit. But at least this car was paid for and registered in my name alone. Now if it would only get me through the winter.

I parked on the street by Starbucks and asked myself what I was doing meeting a man for coffee at nearly nine o’clock at night. Was I totally crazy? Perhaps, I thought as I pushed open the door, but then why shouldn’t I be?

We ordered our coffees and sat down. I knew I was glancing around, still nervous that someone might see me here.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m sorry,” I told him. “I just feel a little awkward.”

“Having coffee with a man who’s not your husband?”

“I guess so.”

“But didn’t you just tell the group that you were served divorce papers last week?”

“I know…”

“But it’s still uncomfortable.” I nodded.

“Well, don’t worry, Glennis. I’m not out to get you.” He tossed me a mischievous grin. “I’m only offering my friendship.”

“Thanks.” I felt some of the tension draining away. “So, how’s it going?”

“How’s it going?” I echoed, almost wanting to throw my head back and laugh hysterically. “Well, my life is a lot like a roller-coaster ride, Marcus. Up and down, and just when I begin to relax a little, it turns on me and goes sideways. I get so tired of it.”

He nodded. “Unfortunately, that’s life with an addict.”

“The divorce doesn’t help either.”

“No, I’m sure it doesn’t.” He stirred his coffee. “But that’s what makes it so important for you to get control of your life.”

“Control?” I rolled my eyes. “That sounds more and more like the impossible dream to me. I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever have control of anything again.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Glennis. You
can
get control, but you can only get it over
your
life and
your
decisions. You have to know by now that you can’t control anyone else.” Then he laughed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to start lecturing you. Sometimes I forget to turn it off.”

“That’s okay. I probably need some extra lectures.” I set my cup down. “I do keep telling myself that—I mean that I can’t control anyone else’s life. Not Jacob’s or Sarah’s or Geoffrey’s. I’ve even got the AA prayer taped to my refrigerator. My neighbor Jack gave it to me. He’s the old guy who’s been trying to get Jacob to go to AA with him. I’ve read it so many
times that I’m sure I must have it memorized by now.” Then I recited it, albeit somewhat sloppily. “Give me the grace to accept what I can’t change…the strength to change what I can…and the wisdom to know the difference.” I smiled like a schoolgirl. “How’s that?”

“Very good. I wish I had a gold star to give you.”

“But saying it and living it are two different things.”

“It takes time, Glennis. Just like with an addict in recovery, it’s a daily thing that takes a lifetime to live out.” He took a sip of coffee. “So, tell me, what are your daily routines? What are you doing to keep yourself healthy and on track these days?”

“Well, I’ve really been trying to get back to some kind of schedule since Sherry’s son died.” I’d already told the codependent group about Matthew’s death. I knew they would understand. “I think his death was sort of a wake-up call for me. Or maybe I was just being codependent again, you know, doing it for Sherry.”

“Well, I suppose it’s not so bad when you’re the one who benefits from it.”

“That’s sort of what I’ve been telling myself. Anyway, I’m back to jogging every morning, but I’m not quite as obsessed as I used to be. I try to keep it around thirty to forty minutes. Then I take a shower and clean my apartment, which takes about five minutes. Of course, I do regular things like the laundry and buying groceries.” I paused, trying to think of something else, something not quite so mundane.

“And that’s enough to fill your day?”

I shrugged, then looked down at my coffee, studying the reflection of the overhead lights on its dark liquid surface.

“What do you do with the rest of your time, Glennis?”

I sighed and looked up. “Not much. To be perfectly honest, I probably spend a lot of time just looking out the window, hoping that Jacob is going to show up and tell me he’s ready for recovery. Or if he does pop in
or call me with some little emergency, like last week when he needed a tetanus shot for stepping on a nail, well, I stop whatever I’m doing and let my little routines just tumble to the side while I try to fix things for him, hoping he’ll realize how much I love him and want him to get help.”

Marcus laughed. “You are such a natural codependent, Glennis. You could be our poster girl.”

I frowned.

“Sorry. And, just for the record, a lot of people with codependent traits are very loving and caring people. They don’t mean to enable or cripple their loved ones. It’s just that they think their love is going to fix everything.”

“How can you stand to spend time with me, Marcus?” I told him. “I mean you work with addicts and codependents all day long. Why would you even offer to have coffee with me during your free time?”

“Maybe it’s because I’m a bit codependent myself.”

“You?” I found this hard to believe.

He chuckled. “The truth is, it’s almost impossible to be in my line of work without being a little that way”

“So you want to fix everyone too?”

“Well, I know without a doubt that I can’t fix
anyone
. But I don’t mind using what I know to help people find their own answers—as long as they’re willing to take the steps themselves.”

“Right.” I tried not to think about Jacob now Tried not to imagine some way I could trick him into entering rehab, some way I could help him put his life back together again with someone like Marcus holding his hand. I knew I should know better.

“You mentioned that you have a teaching certificate,” he continued. “Do you think you’ll take that up again?”

“I’m not sure.” I frowned. “I doubt I’d be any good at it now.”

“It’s not surprising for you to feel that way. After everything you’ve
gone through in the past year or so, well, it just stands to reason that you’d feel less capable than before.”

“Less capable?” I forced a laugh. “I feel like a complete and utter failure, Marcus. I feel like everything and everyone I touch falls apart. And if it doesn’t fall apart, then it’s probably my turn to fall apart. Honestly, I can’t even imagine myself standing in front of a classroom and teaching again.”

“Did you enjoy it before?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It seems so long ago since I got my degree in education. At the time it felt like the right thing to do, and I really do like children. But now I wonder why I didn’t pursue something, well, something more creative.” I couldn’t believe I’d just admitted that.

“Creative?”

I shrugged. “I know it probably sounds silly. Like I don’t even know who I am or what I’m capable of doing. But I suppose that’s how I feel right now”

“That’s not silly. Under the circumstances, it’s totally understandable.”

“So I’m really not sure what I’ll do.”

“What kind of creativity interests you?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Then I paused to consider his question. “I used to love gardening and arranging flowers. It seemed like the only creative outlet I had, back in my old life. But besides that, I’ve always been interested in interior decorating, and my friend Sherry thinks I’m good at it. I also like antiques.” I shrugged. “I guess I don’t really know what I’d like to be when I grow up.”

“But it sounds like you’re heading in a direction, Glennis. You should give yourself some time to really consider what you love doing and what you’re really good at. Think about what kind of options there might be in that field, and then allow yourself to dream a little.”

“Dream?” I felt skeptical now. Couldn’t he see that my life was too messed up to dream?

“Yes, the older I get, the more I believe we all need to dream more.”

“I don’t think I even know how,” I admitted. “The only dream I have is to see Jacob get clean, and even that gets wearisome.”

“Of course you want him to get clean. But that’s not the dream for
your
life, Glennis,” he continued. “I believe that God plants dreams in everyone.”

“Well, if that’s true, then mine is probably dead.”

“Maybe it’s not dead as much as it is buried by the circumstances of your life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen God use trials and challenges to dig into our hearts and shake us up until the dreams finally rise to the surface.”

“Are you suggesting that God ordained Jacob’s drug problem and my divorce just so he could shake up my dreams?”

“No. Not at all. You have to know by now that the people we love make their own choices, both good and bad. We can’t control their choices, but their choices can affect our lives. Right?”

I nodded.

“But we still get to choose for ourselves, Glennis. And if we choose to trust God, things can turn completely around for us. God can turn bad into good.”