Crystal Lies (7 page)

“That’s pretty much what my prayers sound like. That and ‘Help!’ I seem to be praying, ‘Help me, help me,’ more and more these days.”

She sort of laughed. “Yes, I remember doing that too. But then I had a little breakthrough. I’m sure I’ve told you this before.”

“What?” I asked, trying to recall whatever bits of wisdom she’d passed along to me in the past.

“Oh, you know, the letting-go thing.”

I nodded but only vaguely remembered. “Yes, but maybe I need to hear it again.”

“Well, it was one of those nights when Mark was away at college and not doing too well. And then Matthew had started partying at the end of his senior year.”

“Right. I remember.”

“And I just felt as if I was at the end of my rope. And I was praying for both of them one night when I couldn’t sleep, and it suddenly occurred to me that if God had created both of my sons—you know, knit them in my womb as it says in that psalm—well, then it was like they were his sons too. And I just figured, well, if God is really God, then he should be perfectly capable of taking care of my boys, and much better than I could. And so I just told God, ‘Hey, they are your boys, and I expect you to be taking care of them.’ Then I thanked him and said ‘amen.’ And that became sort of a regular prayer for me. I called it my letting-go-and-letting-God prayer, and it really seemed to bring a sense of peace.”

“I wish I could do that,” I admitted. “But I get tied up in knots with
worry. And I lie awake in bed just trying to come up with answers and solutions, ways to help Jacob get back on track.”

“Maybe it’s a timing thing.”

“Timing?”

“Maybe God will put the letting-go prayer in your heart when you’re really ready to let Jacob go.”

“Let him go?” I tried to imagine such a thing. “You know, and let God look after him.”

“That sounds good, Sherry. But maybe you’re right. Maybe it is a timing thing, because right now I feel like Jacob doesn’t have anyone who loves him or cares about him anymore. Except for me.”

“And God?”

“Yes, I suppose God cares about him too.”

“But not Geoffrey?”

“I don’t think so. I really felt like Geoffrey was completely washing his hands of Jacob. Like that was it. Finished, over and done with.”

“Maybe just temporarily.”

“Let’s hope so.” I unwound the napkin from my finger and set it aside. “How about Sarah?” I rolled my eyes.

“Still acting as if she doesn’t care?”

“I don’t think it’s an act, Sherry. She really seems to dislike her brother.”

“I’m sure she just dislikes how he’s acting.”

“Don’t be so sure. Sarah is my daughter, and I love her dearly, but she can be a little narcissistic at times. She and her father react in a similar way when it comes to someone, even a member of their own family, inconveniencing them or making them look bad.”

“Like the time she brought her college friend home, and Jacob came home plastered.”

I wanted to say,“You mean stoned,” but didn’t. “Yeah, little things like that.”

“Well, I’m sure she was embarrassed.”

“Of course, we all were. But it’s no reason to disown your brother.”

“No, but she’s still young. She’ll probably grow out of it.”

“You mean like her father has?” I could hear the trace of bitterness in my voice.

But Sherry didn’t seem to notice. Or if she did, she didn’t mention it. “Despite how perfectly miserable this looks and feels to you right now, Glennis, I know you’re going to come out on top. You’re going to be just fine.”

“How do you
know
that?”

She smiled. “Let’s just say it’s a God thing.”

“I hope you’re right, Sherry. Because, to tell you the truth, I don’t exactly feel like God is looking down and smiling on me right now.”

After three days in the apartment, I still hadn’t heard from Geoffrey I wasn’t sure if this was good or bad or if I even cared. I seemed to be in survival mode, trying to get my life into some kind of order. As a result, I’d spent most of the day hunting down the items I felt I would require in order to continue living on my own like this.

After just two nights of sleeping on the floor, I had gotten up stiff and sore and with the full realization that I would need an actual bed to make it in my new habitat. So, armed with my plastic cards, which I hoped still worked, I’d set out shopping at the various discount stores, places where Geoffrey would never allow me to shop for home furnishings before. I was surprised at the bargains I unearthed, and by the end of the day, I’d not only purchased a full-sized bed but a futon as well, in case Jacob decided to make an appearance. I even purchased a few other pieces of inexpensive furniture that I figured I might as well get before Geoffrey canceled all my credit and bank cards, which I knew he would do eventually, maybe had already done. I’d brought some of the items home with me, and others would be delivered within the week. But I was exhausted by the effort.

By that evening Geoffrey finally called. As usual, I jumped when I heard my cell phone ring. Hoping it might be Jacob, I quickly answered only to discover it was Jacob’s father, and he was angry.

“Where on earth are you?” he demanded. “Are you all right?”

I stammered for several moments but managed to explain that I’d left him.

“Because of Jacob?” he asked calmly.

“I don’t know…” I struggled for an answer. “Because of everything.”

“You’re going to let Jacob destroy everything? All that we’ve built over the years?”

“You can’t blame this all on Jacob,” I said. “Who then?”

“It’s all of us. It’s just not working.”

“You’re the one who left, Glennis.” His voice became edgy.

“I couldn’t stay any longer, Geoffrey…” I felt a tightening in my throat, hot tears burning behind my eyelids. I longed for him to say something comforting, something warm or loving—anything to make me want to come home again.

“Well, you’ve gone too far this time.” It felt as if he’d just shut the door.

“Too far?” My voice sounded small and distant to me, but it was all I could do to get the words out. “I’m warning you.”

“What are you warning me about?” I asked, trying hard to keep calm.

“If you do this to me—if you walk out like this, Glennis—well, just don’t plan on coming back.”

I stood up and walked around the small, cluttered apartment. It felt reflective of my life. But as I walked, I considered his warning.

“I mean it,” he continued, his voice growing sharper. “If you think you can pull something like this and then come waltzing back into my life, well, you just better think again.”

For a split second I wasn’t sure if he was talking to Jacob or to me. But I glanced around the messy living room and realized that Jacob wasn’t even here. “Have you seen Jacob?” I asked.

He fired off an expletive, which I took as a negative. “Are you
listening to
me, Glennis?”

“I’m listening,” I said, growing weary of him and the entire conversation.

“Do you understand what I’m saying, Glennis?” His tone softened, and I could imagine him willing himself to be composed. “If you leave me like this, it’s over.”

“I’m so sorry, Geoffrey,” I told him in my most polite voice, the one I used for the opening day of kindergarten when I was meeting the anxious parents of my students for the first time. “But it was the only thing I knew how to do.”

“Is he living with you now?”

“Well, no.”

“So, Glennis. What’s the point of your leaving? You’re letting him rip our home apart, and it’s not even doing him a bit of good.”

“I’m just trying to make a place for him, something to come home to.” I felt the tears in my voice. “He won’t make it on the streets, Geoffrey. He’s too—”

“It’s his choice to live like that.”

“Not really. He’s in a trap, and he needs our—”

“He needs to make better choices,” snapped Geoffrey. “And for that matter, so do you!”

“I’m making the only choice I know how to make at the moment.” Tears were sliding down my cheeks now. “I’m just trying to help Jacob. I’m trying to just… just survive.”

“So that’s your answer?”

I grabbed a paper towel to wipe my face. “My answer?”

“Meaning, you are choosing
not to
return home?” I looked around the shabby apartment, piled high with a bunch of cheap, junky pieces of furniture. “I think I
am
home.”

“Fine!” And he hung up.

My heart felt as if someone had strapped a boulder to it and thrown
it into the sea. I collapsed into my camp chair, leaned over with my head in my hands, and began to cry harder.

I think I sat there and cried for about three days. And then one morning Jacob called.

“Mom?”

“Jacob!”

“Where are you?” He sounded small and frightened, like when he’d been a little boy and awakened from a nightmare. “I keep calling the house, and you never answer. And the answering-machine message is different.”

“Different?”

“Yeah, its Dad saying to leave a message.”

“Oh.”

“Where are you, Mom?”

“I… uh…I moved out.”

“Moved? Like out of the house?”

“That’s right. I have an apartment now.”

“You mean you’ve
left
Dad?”

I could tell he was completely stunned, but I wasn’t sure how to soften the blow. “Well, sort of.”

“What do you mean, sort of? You’ve either left him or you haven’t.”

“Well, I had to get away for a while. I needed some time and space to think about things.”

“Is this because of me?”

“Nooo…” I picked up a pillow from a pile of stuff on the floor and tossed it onto the homely brown couch that I’d gotten for cheap and had finally pushed into the only place a couch could fit in this miniature living room.

“It is, isn’t it?”

“No, Jacob, it’s not. Your dad and I have been growing apart for years
now. And its not so much that I wanted to leave him, if you can understand that, but I needed to get away to kind of find myself. Does that make sense?”

“Sort of. I guess I felt like that too.”

I sighed. “It’s so good to hear your voice again. I’ve been so worried about you. I wish you would’ve called sooner. You know it’s been almost a week now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Where have you been staying?”

“With friends a few nights and in my car.”

“Are you… uh…
okay?’
Of course, what I really wanted to ask was, are you doing drugs? But I didn’t want to scare him off. “Of course I’m okay.”

“Did you lose your job?”

“Well, it’s pretty hard to keep a job when you’re homeless.”

“You can come stay with me.”

“Really?” He sounded hopeful. “Do you have room?” I sort of laughed. “Well, it’s a pretty small place, but I saved a bedroom for you, if you want it.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

I gave him the address, and he said he’d stop by later on and unload some of his stuff. He didn’t promise to move in with me, but at least I was going to see him. Just hearing his voice was like medicine for me. I immediately went into high gear and started arranging the furniture pieces that had simply been stacked and shoved here and there. I dug out the white canvas slipcover I’d purchased for my dog-ugly couch, which actually had “good bones,” and I pulled and tugged until I finally got it on. To my surprise, it wasn’t half-bad. And when I added the colorful pillows I’d confiscated from my previous home, it looked even better. It was a start.

I worked and worked. Moving and arranging and putting away. And
finally it looked almost habitable and considerably bigger now that everything was in its place and out of the way And then, feeling encouraged, I took a quick shower, and for the first time in days I put on something besides my gray sweats. As I ran a brush through my wet hair and noticed the strange woman looking back at me from the slightly steamed-up bathroom mirror, I winced at the tired image of my mother that I was becoming.

Oh, I knew that my once-auburn hair had gotten progressively grayer during the past year. In fact, it seemed almost colorless now. And I suspected I had more wrinkles than before, but the haggard old woman that stared back at me in the mirror was slightly frightening. And it became even worse as the fog from the mirror slowly evaporated and each line and wrinkle etched into my painfully pale face became more noticeable. I leaned forward and stared, touching my cheek with my hand to see if it was really me.

No wonder Sherry had accused me of letting myself go lately. Even so, I couldn’t convince myself to apply any makeup or do more than just pull back my shoulder-length hair into my usual tortoiseshell clip. I didn’t have time or inclination for primping today.

For one thing, I knew that despite my massive stock-up session at the grocery store nearly a week ago, I was currently out of the basics like bread and milk and eggs, and I knew from experience that when Jacob arrived, he would be hungry—probably ravenous. So I made a list, grabbed my purse, and left a note on the door.

As I was driving toward the discount grocery store, my cell phone rang. Even though I despise it when people talk on the phone while in traffic, I thought it might be Jacob again, and so I decided to answer.

“Mom?”

“Sarah!” I exclaimed, pulling over to a side street. “I’ve been trying to reach you all week. How are you, honey?”

“What’s going on, Mom?” she demanded. “Dad told me I’d better talk to you.”

“That’s why I’ve been calling,” I told her, trying to gather my thoughts as I turned off the ignition. “I wanted to explain everything. But, first, tell me how you’re doing, Sarah. I’ve barely talked to you since you got home from Europe. Was it wonderful? I want to hear all about it.”

“It was pretty good. But hot, really hot. They had record-breaking temperatures everywhere and no air conditioning. Leslie nearly had a heatstroke in Madrid the day before we were supposed to fly out, so we had to take her to the hospital and almost missed our flight.”

“Oh my.” I turned the key and let the windows down for some fresh air. “But she’s okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine.”

“And are you back on campus now?”

“Yeah, just getting settled into the dorm. But I really wish I could get an apartment. Leslie and Kara want to go in with me.”

“Well, did you mention this to your dad?”

“Not yet. He seemed pretty upset about something. What’s going on, Mom?”

I couldn’t help but notice the somewhat accusatory tone of her voice and was reminded once again of how much she and Geoffrey were alike. “Well, it’s been quite a week, honey. Jacob got into some trouble—”

“Wow, that’s a big surprise.”

I ignored her sarcasm. “Yes, I know. But your dad and I didn’t agree about how to handle it.”

“
No
. How shocking.” More sarcasm.

“And I decided to help Jacob, and then your dad got mad, and I was so tired of all this—”

“All this?” She exhaled loudly. “You mean
all this crap
that Jacob has dragged into our lives?”

“Not just that, honey. Your dad and I have been having our problems too.”

“What? You mean just because Daddy is trying to use tough love?”

“Tough love?” I echoed. “I’m not sure your father feels
any love
toward his son at the moment.”

“Can you blame him?”

“I know Jacob has messed up, Sarah, but he’s our son, your brother—”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Sarah!” I instantly regretted my scolding tone.

“You always take his side, Mom. That’s probably why he’s so screwed up.

“It’s not a matter of sides,” I said.

“Whatever.” Now I could tell she was exasperated.

“I would do the same for you, Sarah. You know I would.”

“But that’s a moot point, Mom. You will
never
need to do the same for me. Jacob and I are two completely different people. I can’t even believe we’re related sometimes.”

“Jake’s just going through some hard things right now. But that could all change. I’m trying to get him to go into rehab and—”

“Good luck with that.” Sarah sounded as though she was ready to end the conversation. “So tell me, Mom. Are you and Dad still together?”

“Well, not exactly.”

“What
exactly
do you mean by that?”

“I’ve gotten an apartment.”

“So you’re separated then?”

“Well, sort of.”

“Look, Mom, you moved out of the house, right? Well, that would mean you’re separated.”

“Okay. I suppose so.”

“Mom, can’t you see what’s happening?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you’re letting Jacob ruin your marriage. And that’s wrong. Plain wrong. You and Dad have been happily married for twenty-five years, and just because Jacob’s screwing up his life doesn’t mean you have to throw away a perfectly good marriage.”

“A perfectly good marriage?”

“Well, you guys seem pretty happy to me.”

“You really think so?”