Culture War (17 page)

“
You human pestilence are
too squeamish and sensitive about those media idiots,” said the
spider commander, dismissing Guido’s concern. “Public executions
deter crime. Everyone knows that. What do I care of the media’s
coverage, or your public opinion? The more public that sees
retribution for the evil deeds committed by these thugs, the
better.”

“
You care enough about
media attention to try to ban satellite TV,” observed Guido. “So
don’t tell me you don’t care about the media and its effect on the
public. You are just being selective in your arguments. Bad press
has ended many careers. I don’t care about your career, but Colonel
Czerinski and I gave those fugitives to you. It makes us look bad.
It makes the Legion look bad. When the Legion looks bad, Czerinski
is not happy. When Czerinski is not happy, everyone pays for it,
including you and me.”

“
Whatever,” commented the
spider commander. “What is done is done.”

“
You may say ‘whatever,’”
warned Guido, “but this time shit will roll up hill and smash you
flat.”

* * * * *

The spider commander and the spider Governor
of the North Territory met in McDonald’s Restaurant to plan more
anti-American operations for the new year. The governor did not
want any more bad press, and had already chewed on the commander
about that. They banned Christmas trees and Christmas lights for
being energy wasters. The Arthropodan Empire had a longstanding
tradition of freedom of religion, so they did not dare try to ban
Christmas or any of the new religious cults that kept cropping up,
despite their Old Earth origins. However, they did agree to arrest
Seventh Day Adventists on sight if they kept going door to door,
bothering citizens during nap time.

“
Try the new Buffalo
Burgers,” suggested the spider commander. “They’re quite tasty. You
can get a medium chocolate shake and fries included cheap if you
order Ronald’s Real Meal Deal.”

“
You already have Buffalo
Burgers in New Gobi City?” asked the governor. “I am so jealous.
Your town gets more cosmopolitan every time I visit. I heard New
Memphis and Capital City won’t get Buffalo Burgers until next month
because of a problem with the Teamsters Union.”

“
Sir, would you like Swiss
or American cheese on those burgers?” asked the teenaged spider
clerk.

“
See how the Americans try
to sneak their culture into our food?” commented the spider
governor. “I’ll have Swiss cheese. From this day forward, American
cheese is banned!”

“
Yes, sir,” replied the
spider teen. “Ban American cheese? Are you fucking
crazy?”

“
He doesn’t know who your
are,” advised the spider commander. “Please use restraint. He’s a
nephew of my girlfriend. He’s really a good kid.”

“
You show more respect!”
ordered the spider governor, slamming a claw on the counter. “And
those fries had better not be soggy or cold, like last
time!”

“
Whatever, dude,” replied
the clerk.

The governor and commander went back to their
table to eat. The governor was still upset at the disrespectful
attitude of most youth today. He blamed the influence American
music and pop culture.

“
Satellite images show
Legion activity in the far eastern hills of the New Gobi Desert,”
advised the governor, changing the subject. “They are building a
highway into the area. A gas station and even another McDonald’s
are under construction. See how the tentacles of McDonald’s extend
everywhere?”

“
I have already sent scouts
into the area,” replied the spider commander. “Legionnaires erected
a large sign establishing the area as Jellystone National Park and
Game Preserve. Also, they have been planting trees, no doubt to
provide camouflage for some nefarious purpose. An elite American
commando unit has been identified unloading mysterious crates and
hiding them under tents and netting. I have an agent working on one
of the construction crews. He reports a new Legion Headquarters has
been built, disguised as a ski lodge.”

“
Ski lodge!” exclaimed the
spider governor. “It’s more of that skateboard and snowboard
insanity. The Legion plans to lure our youth out to their ski lodge
to brainwash them. Soon the human pestilence will be attempting to
advertise their ski lodges. Ban all ski lodge advertising. We must
stay diligent. The human pestilence never rests. Nor shall
we!”

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Chapter 17

“
More than ever, the
growing human pestilence population under our control is demanding
equal rights,” commented the spider military intelligence officer.
“Either we grant equal rights, or they will demand
independence.”

“
They already have equal
rights,” responded the spider commander. “All subjects of the
Emperor enjoy the full benefits, privileges, and protection of the
Empire. What more do they want? To be treated special?”

“
The human pestilence are
still denied entry into the Arthropodan military and especially the
marines,” commented the military intelligence officer.

“
Of course they are denied
entry,” scoffed the spider commander. “Their loyalty and fighting
abilities are in doubt. No human could ever hope to survive the
rigors of marine basic training. It is nonsense to even consider
allowing human pestilence into the military. You don’t let the
inmates run the asylum!”

“
Humans have defeated us in
several wars and many battles,” argued the military intelligence
officer. “It appears the quality of human soldiers measures up
adequately with ours. Of course it is always possible the problem
is that the enemy has better leadership. Are you suggesting
that?”

“
Human pestilence cannot be
trusted, no matter how well some individuals may on occasion
fight,” snapped the spider commander. “Do not be insolent. Our
marines would refuse to serve alongside human pestilence in
combat.”

“
Our marines are trained to
follow orders in combat,” said the military intelligence officer.
“The Legion has no problem accepting our species into its ranks.
Various militia are already integrated and have performed well many
times in combat.”

“
The Legion has a history
of accepting criminals and misfits,” said the spider commander. “We
will not lower our standards just to be trendy. And, the Militia
rabble are nothing more than glorified volunteer firefighters,
dogcatchers, and street sweepers. Do you really think the General
Staff would allow marine standards to drop so low? It’s just not
worth the risk.”

“
It is already the law that
all citizens are allowed and required to serve in the military,”
explained the military intelligence officer. “Being that humans
have been granted full citizenship, nothing should stop them from
military service. But, the governor has deferred the matter to
local commanders.”

“
There you go!” said the
spider commander. “I share the same security concerns as all the
other local commanders. It is just common sense to not allow human
pestilence infiltration of our military, and especially of our
elite marine units.”

“
Other commanders may agree
with you, sir,” said the military intelligence officer. “But think
of it. You could be the first. You could make a name for yourself
by being the first commander to successfully lead human pestilence
into combat. You might even be decorated by the Emperor
himself.”

“
Or executed by the Emperor
himself when I am disgraced across the galaxy if your scheme
crashes down upon me,” said the spider commander. “No! It is not
worth the risk.”

“
Just think of how upset
Colonel Czerinski would be to see human Arthropodan marine
commandos facing him across the MDL,” said the military
intelligence officer. “It would be quite a coup. Think of the
expression on Czerinski’s horrified face.”

“
That I would like to see,”
replied the spider commander, thoughtfully. “What goes around comes
around. It would serve him right! I will do it. We will recruit
human pestilence into the marines, but only the best of the best of
the best. I won’t allow any slackers to be marines.

* * * * *

Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight
finally was permitted to interview the Supreme Commander of the New
Gobi Desert Military Sector about the execution of Saviano Juardo.
The interview was to take place at the New Gobi Arthropodan
Airbase. Major Lopez and a squad of legionnaires escorted Coen to
the press conference. Major Lopez wanted to be there strictly to
observe. Many in the United States Galactic Federation were enraged
at the summary execution of local businessman Juardo and wanted a
full investigation of how and why he was extradited and executed
without full due process of law. The spider Governor of the North
Territory ordered his New Gobi commander to give the interview so
that the media would stop pestering him on the matter and be done
with it.

“
Is that how the Empire
treats its many human subjects?” asked Phil Coen, replaying the
video of the execution of Saviano Juardo. “You just shoot them down
on the street like dogs? No trial? No appeal? No judicial review or
due process?”

“
A spider conspirator was
executed too,” responded the spider commander. “They were both
tried in absentia because they had killed a guard when they escaped
custody. They both got equal opportunity justice. What could be
more fair than that? We do not discriminate against our human
pestilence. I might add that the Legion deals just as harshly with
the Mafia, too.”

Phil Coen was about to argue the fine points
of due process and extradition procedures, and whether or not there
really is a Mafia. But, then his jaw dropped. The unflappable Phil
Coen was stunned into silence as he noticed one of the spider
commander’s black uniformed bodyguards standing casually by the
window. The marine commando was human!

“
Who is that?” asked Coen,
pointing at the young dark-haired commando. “You have humans
serving in your Marine Corps?”

The spider commander smiled and tried to
sound nonchalant. “Of course. My command has recruited the first of
many elite human commandos.”

Coen walked up to the human Arthropodan
marine. “Son, may I interview you?” asked Coen. “How did you come
to be in the spider marines? Were you drafted or forced in?”

“
No, I was not drafted!”
replied the young marine. “I do not give interviews to Legion spies
or their toadies.”

“
It is all right,”
interrupted the spider commander. “I order you to talk to Phil Coen
of Channel Five World News Tonight. I trust Coen. You may talk
freely.”

“
Who are you?” asked Coen.
“Where are you from?”

“
My name is Robert Mora,”
answered the young marine. “I am from right here in New Gobi
City.”

“
I have heard your name
before,” said Coen, “but I don’t remember where.”

“
I played quarterback for
the North New Gobi High School Tarantulas,” boasted Mora. “I turned
down several college scholarship offers to join the Arthropodan
marines.”

“
Why?” asked Coen. “It
makes no sense.”

“
I joined out of a sense of
duty to the Emperor,” explained Mora. “And for adventure, travel,
and fun.”

“
Many would argue you are a
traitor to humanity,” said Coen. “How do you respond to such
critics?”

Mora drew his combat knife, but a spider team
leader adeptly took the large jagged knife away.

“
If you insult Marine
Commando Mora again, I will cut you myself,” said the spider team
leader. Then he turned back to Mora. “You were ordered by your
commanding officer to give an interview to the press. Do
it!”

“
Yes, sir!”

“
I apologize,” said Coen, a
bit shaken. “How have you adjusted to what must be a severe culture
clash in the Arthropodan marines? Do you feel fully accepted by the
spider marines you serve with? Many will say this is just a
publicity stunt and that you are being used for propaganda
purposes.”

“
It was my idea to join the
Arthropodan marines,” answered Mora, still angry, but now sitting
down. He took off his helmet and tried to relax. “But I suppose the
discipline in the marines is different from the Legion. I am
allowed to argue with my superiors, but I could be shot for
disobeying orders. Also, it’s tough trying to keep up with spiders
because they are so fast. Did you know a spider can run fifty miles
per hour?”

“
But why not join the
United States Galactic Foreign Legion?” asked Coen. “Surely you
would fit in better with humans.”

“
I want to fight the
insurgency,” said Mora. “Terrorists kill both spiders and humans.
The Legion provides weaponry to the Northern Insurgency Fist &
Claw. I blame the Legion for many innocent deaths.”

As if on cue, a surface-to-air missile arced
up east of the airport, swerving sharply towards a departing
Arthropodan shuttle. The shuttle banked hard to the right, emitting
chaff.

The spider commander was furious. He ended
the press conference and personally led his security detail to the
point east of the airport where the missile originated. Their
armored cars immediately drew small arms fire from positions up in
the rocky hills. Bullets pinged off armored plating. Mora fired the
turret machine gun at a tunnel bunker. Tracer rounds could be seen
arcing back and forth as the spider commander’s armored car led the
assault.