Culture War (14 page)

“
You need financing?” asked
Juardo “Get me out of here, and I’ll pay you a million
dollars.”

“
Sorry Juardo,” said Guido.
“Your run in the sun is over.”

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Chapter 14

General Daly did not want Private Krueger and
Dawn returning from their honeymoon right away, because of
escalating tension on New Colorado. He told them to stay on Mars
and wait for an important assignment. Eventually orders were sent
for Private Krueger to escort a defector to Montana and get him
settled. Private Krueger met Sergeant Williams and the spider pilot
defector at the Mars Spaceport. From there they shuttled to
Montana.

“
I did not realize there
were so many human pestilence in the galaxy,” commented the pilot.
“Mars and Missoula seem overrun with you humans. This is not how I
pictured Big Sky Country. Maybe I should have stayed and bought a
ranch on New Colorado.”

“
Nonsense,” said Sergeant
Williams. “They’re about to go to war again on New Colorado. This
time they’ll probably nuke the whole place. I can’t think of a
better time to take a vacation from all that madness. This is easy
duty, and I am staying right here for as long as
possible.”

“
Where do we go first?”
asked Private Krueger. “What’s there to see in Montana?”

“
We have enough funds on my
Legion credit card to buy fly-boy here a ranch and do a whole lot
of partying,” said Sergeant Williams, letting out a rebel yell.
“First, we rent a car and look at ranch property in the
countryside.”

“
Why is everyone staring at
us?” asked Dawn. “Haven’t they ever seen spiders
before?”

“
No,” said Sergeant
Williams. “You two are a first for Missoula. Besides, we are all
war heroes and have our medals to prove it.”

“
I want to see the site of
the greatest battle of Montana,” said the spider pilot, as they
went inside the airport restaurant to eat. “I want to see the
Little Bighorn.”

“
Custer’s Last Stand?”
asked Sergeant Williams. “I would think you would have had enough
of the military, being that you just defected. Let’s find a
casino.”

“
I have been reading on the
database about the battle,” said the spider pilot. “Did you know
Custer’s brother was awarded the Medal of Honor twice during your
Civil War? But no one remembers him or even knows his
name.”

“
His last name was Custer,”
replied Private Krueger.

“
His first name was Tom,”
said the spider pilot.

“
So what?” asked Sergeant
Williams. “It’s ancient history now.”

“
There are lessons to be
learned from ancient history,” insisted the spider pilot. “This
should interest you, because you are still in the Legion and may
yet face combat again. Lieutenant Colonel Custer’s defeat is a
typical example of trying to defeat a superior force by surprise
attack, but failing because divided forces failed to coordinate and
press that attack. We have radios now, but still face the same
problem. Think how hard it was to coordinate an attack during those
primitive times.”

“
It’s like being your
wingman at a tavern,” agreed Private Krueger. “Timing is
everything.”

“
Your wingman days are
over,” said Dawn, giving Willie an affectionate poke in the ribs.
“You have been grounded.”

As they walked inside the airport restaurant,
all the patrons stopped eating and stared. The scrutiny was very
uncomfortable. Dawn was about to lose her temper and storm out with
Willie when an elderly man stood up and slowly began clapping his
hands. Then another man started clapping his hands, too. Then two
women stood up and did the same, only faster and with more
enthusiasm. Patrons stood up to applaud in a genuine outpouring of
friendship and patriotism. The customers had seen news reports from
New Colorado and, by now, felt intimately familiar with them all
and the exploits of the Legion. Private Krueger waved back,
enjoying the attention. A few people sought autographs.

“
I don’t know who you are,
or what they are,” said a waiter, addressing Sergeant Williams and
Private Krueger while still staring at the two spiders, “but the
manager just told me to give you four the best seat in the house.
Your money is no good here. You dine for free because you are
heroes of the Legion.”

Sergeant Williams thought about giving a
speech, but remembered his orders from General Daly to just lay low
for a while and keep a low profile. General Daly promised to extend
this cushy assignment if Williams could just follow that one simple
order!

“
Thanks.”

* * * * *

On New Colorado, things were heating up.
Major Lopez and a brigade of Legion commandos parachuted into the
forest just west of New Memphis.

“
How long do we have to
camp out?” radioed Major Lopez. “It’s dark and creepy out here. The
trees all have eyes. I feel like the forest is going to swallow us
up, any minute.”

“
The spiders have given me
a week to withdraw our armor,” I replied. “But we are staying, and
so are our tanks.”

“
I am seeing lots of spider
armor and artillery on the road to New Memphis,” commented Major
Lopez, looking through his binoculars. “They are staging just
outside the city limits. You are going to be severely outnumbered
if we wait for their attack.”

“
I know. We will have the
element of surprise when you hit them from the rear. Rear attacks
always cause confusion.”

“
Maybe you should consider
leaving New Memphis,” suggested Major Lopez. “It’s an enclave. It
cannot be defended in a protracted struggle.”

“
That is not an option. Not
ever. The Legion will not abandon an American city. The spiders’
plan to destroy Casino Row is just a small start of their larger
cultural cleansing program. General Daly ordered that we will stay
and fight.”

“
I don’t like fighting
behind enemy lines,” replied Major Lopez. “New Memphis is not
defendable.”

“
Maybe we need to draw new
lines,” I said. “We control the River. Not to change the subject,
but you should see my new headquarters. I’m in a suite at the top
of the Riverfront Casino. I even have a stand-up Jacuzzi hot tub by
my office, and pretty waitresses bringing me meals and
drinks.”

“
I’m getting rained on,”
complained Major Lopez. “It’s a constant drizzle. I can hear wolves
howling in the hills. This is not good.”

“
What?” I asked. “You
aren’t afraid of the Big Bad Wolf, are you?”

“
You know I am. If El Lobo
shows up, I am attacking early.”

“
Wolves nipping at your
heels will be good motivation for your legionnaires to advance deep
into town.”

“
They don’t need motivation
to get out of these woods,” replied Major Lopez. “It’s cold out
here, there is already snow on the ground, the temperature is
dropping, and we are dressed and equipped in desert gear. Who
planned this fiasco?”

“
We did. Merry Christmas.”
I cut transmission and went downstairs to eat breakfast with my
troops at the casino buffet.

* * * * *

Civilians were not evacuating yet. After the
first skirmish, most assumed the worst was over. However, I soon
got a radio call for help from one of our checkpoints. I rushed to
the perimeter and found tense legionnaires in a Starbucks parking
lot. A spider jeep lay on its side, still smoking from cannon fire.
An intense firefight was over now, although a sniper’s bullet
pinged off my armored car as I arrived. I met Corporal Valdez, who
briefed me on what happened.

“
What the hell is going on
here?” I asked. “I thought we had a truce! Heads will roll if you
fired first.”

“
One of our tanks was
patiently waiting in line at the Starbucks drive-up window when
this jeep-load of spiders cut the line and placed their order ahead
of ours,” explained Corporal Valdez. “As you can see, our tank crew
opened up with their cannon, and rightfully so.”

Private Wayne interrupted. “Major Lopez
reports spider tanks are entering New Memphis en masse. He wants to
know if he should attack now. He says we can’t let their armor get
into position, or all will be lost.”

Alarmed, I called the spider general on the
phone for an explanation. He was upset as usual. “Your constant
provocations have forced me to move up the timetable for your
withdrawal,” replied the spider general.

“
If your tanks come within
eyesight of my position, I will respond with tactical nukes,” I
threatened.

“
You would not dare,” said
the spider general. “Not in a heavily populated area.”

“
Your use of human shields
will be the focus of your war crimes trial,” I
threatened.

“
There are just as many
spiders living in New Memphis,” advised the spider general. “I do
not want them harmed either. Our troop movements are merely a
precautionary reaction to your aggression. Your armor attacked a
defenseless vehicle full of marines.”

“
The least you could do is
hold back your armor until civilians are allowed to evacuate,” I
suggested. “Allow civilians to safely cross your lines.”

“
Human pestilence may not
flee through Imperial territory,” responded the spider general.
“You would use the chaos to infiltrate our positions and attack
from our rear.”

“
I would not do that,” I
said. “I am trying to prevent loss of life. Stop your tanks
now.”

“
The legion fired first,”
accused the spider general.

“
Your marines cut in front
of the line at Starbucks,” I explained. “If you had more cultural
sensitivity training, you would have known that sort of provocation
in the early morning would have dire consequences. Legionnaires
need their coffee!”

“
So do Arthropodan
marines,” said the spider general, dismissively. “I did not realize
your human pestilence addictions were so extreme as to justify
murder.”

“
I will issue a formal
apology and discipline those responsible for breaking the truce,” I
promised.

“
I question your
credibility,” said the spider general. “You have lied so often.
What your legionnaires did this morning was
unjustified.”

“
Have you had your latte
yet?” I asked. “Don’t let an isolated incident start the next war.
You started this cultural pogrom, so you know our differences are
severe enough to cause violence.”

“
I will hold back my armor
if you pull back your tanks from Starbucks,” relented the spider
general. “We will discuss this in person. I am almost at Starbucks
and need some java anyway.”

“
Agreed,” I said. “I will
pull back my armor now. I am at Starbucks, and will even buy. Want
to place your order now?”

“
Order me a twenty-ounce
Grande Double Americano with white chocolate and cream served at
exactly 212 degrees Fahrenheit,” ordered the spider general. “And
don’t let them forget my Biscotti.”

“
He’s lucky I don’t spit in
his Americano,” I commented to Private Wayne.

“
That’s a good idea,”
replied Private Wayne. “I’ll do it for you, if you are
squeamish.”

“
Tell Linda at Starbucks to
seal the top of my cup with a tamper-proof lid,” added the spider
general. “I do not want to tempt you to commit more nefarious
Legion provocations on my drink.”

“
Paranoid bastard,” I
commented, shaking my head.

* * * * *

I was all smiles as the spider general joined
me inside Starbucks. He was all fangs, too. As we sat and dipped
our Biscotti, Major Lopez attacked the spider tank columns at their
new staging areas with anti-tank rockets. The sounds of destruction
could be clearly heard, even inside Starbucks. Smoke rose on the
horizon.

“
I knew your treachery had
no bounds,” accused the spider general. “But I underestimated the
extent of your evil and incompetence. You would attack during truce
negotiations? Worse, you would attack during a coffee break? Of
course you would. It is part of your human pestilence history to do
so. It’s in your DNA. You had the audacity earlier to lecture me on
cultural insensitivity? Your human pestilence culture is so morally
bankrupt, it can barely qualify as a civilization. Your long,
bloody history proves me out on this time and time
again.”

I drew my pistol and backed away to the front
door and looked out. Legionnaires and spider marines were taking
cover. “I don’t know what happened,” I said. “If that is us
attacking, something went wrong with my communications.”

“
It doesn’t really matter
what treachery you have planned,” commented the spider general.
“You are surrounded, outnumbered, and outgunned. Your Legion is
toast.
You
are toast.”

“
And you are my prisoner,”
I said, motioning with my pistol for the spider general to follow
me. “Walk calmly to my armored car and get inside.”

As we slowly walked outside, a missile
exploded inside Starbucks, knocking us to the pavement. The spider
general ran to safety, and I ran to the armored car. Private Wayne
pulled me inside the hatch door, clamping it shut. He handed me the
radio microphone. “Major Lopez wants to know why we have not
attacked, too,” advised Private Wayne. “Arthropodan tanks are
regrouping and about to counter attack his positions.”