Culture War (5 page)

“
That would not be a fair
trade,” said the spider commander. “I need more.”

“
What could be more fair
than including your life in the trade?” asked Mr. Kennworth. “You
take Carlos’s money and send him on a dangerous mission behind
Legion lines, and yet you feel no responsibility to get him back?
You are a real
bendaho
!”

“
A what?” asked the spider
commander, checking his translation device. “What is a
bendaho
?”

“
I’m not sure,” said Mr.
Kennworth. “It’s a human term, and it is not good.”

The spider commander tapped his translation
device again. ‘Bendaho’ translated to ‘asshole.’ That made no
sense. ‘Asshole’ translated to ‘poop chute.’
What?
“Why
would you call me a poop chute?”

“
It’s Old Earth slang,”
explained Mr. Kennworth. “Border lingo is not supposed to make
sense. The reality of the situation is, I will cut off your head if
we can’t make a deal about Carlos.”

“
Okay, okay,” said the
spider commander. “But first I need a little more time to
interrogate Major Lopez. Also, I want to show him off to the press
on TV. I will make the trade. Is that satisfactory?”

“
You have one week,” said
Mr. Kennworth, releasing the spider commander. Mr. Kennworth darted
out the door.

The spider commander, after wiping the blood
off his neck, ordered the arrest of Mr. Kennworth. However, the
Teamster thug traitor was not to be found.

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Chapter 5

Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight
arrived at the Arthropodan detention facility in North New Gobi
City to film interviews with Major Lopez and his captors. Per
Legion instructions, Coen kept his camera filming long before the
interview, panning wide angle shots of all exits, windows, and
hallways. Coen also dropped miniature listening devices and cameras
as he was escorted through the facility. I promised Coen an
exclusive during the next rescue attempt.

Major Lopez could be seen through a two-way
mirror, seated at a table flanked by spider guards. He had one eye
swollen shut and seemed haggard. Major Lopez wore an orange
jumpsuit. A spider interrogator started the interview by turning up
the lights and directing a question at Major Lopez. “Tell the
galaxy the full extent of Legion involvement in blue powder drug
smuggling on New Colorado,” ordered the spider interrogator. “Tell
the truth, or you will be sorry!”

Major Lopez smiled, flipped the cameras a
one-fingered salute, and popped a yellow capsule into his mouth.
Still smiling, Major Lopez bit down on the capsule.
“No
mas!”
he shouted as he fell unconscious to the floor.

Spider military and reporters rushed into the
room to check Major Lopez and render aid. The response from the
Legion watching on TV was immediate. Artillery all along the MDL in
New Gobi City targeted the detention facility and other military
targets. The large oil tank farm on the edge of town was soon
ablaze. The fire would burn for days, lighting up the night sky.
The spiders fired back. Both sides scrambled planes for bombing
runs before the shooting finally stopped in the evening.

Major Lopez had not attempted suicide,
although it had appeared so. The CIA no longer issued cyanide
capsules to its operatives. The yellow pill was merely a knockout
drug to provide temporary relief from prolonged interrogation. The
dramatic effect of Major Lopez keeling over almost started a
nuclear exchange. Both sides blamed the other for shooting first,
but neither could prove anything. The Legion said it was just
another example of Arthropodan adventurism. The spiders said it was
just one more atrocity committed by the Butcher of New
Colorado.

My office was destroyed again. It seemed that
in every skirmish, my office was the first thing the spiders hit. I
searched through Legion Headquarters, looking for mementos and
personal property. I shook my fist at the spiders across the MDL
and took satisfaction in seeing the Marriott Hotel on their side
was still burning.
That’s what they get for putting
communications and radar equipment on the roof.

I got an anonymous email saying Major Lopez
was soon to be moved by shuttle to a holding facility at the
Capital City Spaceport. The transfer would be made late at night.
The shuttle would experience mechanical difficulties. “Be ready,”
said the message.

That night Major Lopez was strapped to a
gurney and taken to a waiting shuttle. The same Air Wing commander
Major Lopez had met at the Marriott supervised the loading, then
piloted the takeoff. The shuttle quickly gained altitude, banked to
the left, and stalled. It dropped quickly, spiraling as it went
down. Ejection pods activated, spewing passengers and pilots safely
away from the shuttle. Major Lopez’s escape pod drifted to the
Legion side of the MDL, where he was repatriated.

* * * * *

When the shooting had started, Guido ducked
into the bunker underneath his guard shack. After the all-clear, he
found his guard shack wrecked. The floor was covered with water
from a bullet-ridden air-conditioner and busted plumbing. The
shatterproof windows had more bullet holes.

Guido stormed across the MDL to confront the
spider guard in the Arthropodan guard shack. All truck traffic had
been closed again, so the spider guard had all four feet propped up
on his desk, reading the USA Today sports section.

“
Did you shoot my guard
shack?” asked Guido. “That’s my office! That’s my home! My
air-conditioner is ruined!”

“
No, Guido, I swear,” said
the spider guard. “I would not do that.”

“
Someone did,” accused
Guido, taking the spider guard’s assault rifle off its rack and
pulling out the half-empty taped banana clips. “I think it was
you!”

“
You aren’t supposed to be
on this side of the MDL,” said the spider guard. “Are you trying to
get me in trouble? What if my team leader comes by and sees you
playing with my rifle?”

Guido threw the half empty banana clips at
the spider guard and shouted, “Explain the missing rounds, you
asshole! Explain all the shell casings outside! How could you shoot
up my house? Do you realize how much personal property I had
inside?”

“
I’m sorry, Guido,” said
the spider guard. “I just got caught up in the excitement of the
war. Wars don’t happen every day, you know. Your side shot first.
Ha, we won!”

Guido fired a still-chambered round through
the ceiling and tossed the assault rifle aside. “How would you like
it if I shot up your house?”

“
You just did,” complained
the spider guard, inspecting his ceiling. “It better not rain soon.
I said I was sorry. What more can I do? By the way, can you put me
down for five hundred dollars on the Seattle Seahawks?”

“
Sure,” said Guido,
entering the transaction into his pad. “But this isn’t
over!”

The sound of gunfire attracted the spider
team leader. “Guido! What are you doing on this side of the MDL?”
asked the team leader. “Don’t force me to arrest you!”

“
You and whose army?” asked
Guido. “This asshole shot up my guard shack. Who is going to pay
for my air-conditioner? Who is going to fix all the
damage?”

“
That’s just the fortunes
of war,” explained the spider team leader. “Get back to your side
of the MDL before you start another war.”

Guido tromped back over to the Legion side.
“I am deducting the cost of repairs from your Yankees World Series
winnings!” yelled Guido. “How do you like them apples?”

“
What did he say?” asked
the team leader. “Apples? You can’t do that! It’s unethical. I will
file a complaint with Saviano Juardo. Saviano is a personal friend
of mine!”

Guido gave the team leader the one-fingered
salute across the MDL. Air-conditioning was a necessity. Even this
late in the year, the temperatures in New Gobi could exceed ninety
degrees. Guido picked up the phone to order repairs and
installation of a new air-conditioner, but the phone was
broken.

“
You will pay for my
phone!” shouted Guido, gesturing at the spiders again.

“
Hey Guido!” the team
leader yelled back. “Put me down for a thousand on the Seahawks,
too! Okay?”

Guido let Spot off his leash and sent the
highly trained killer dragon across the MDL. Both spiders rushed to
their guard shack just in time to get the door closed. Spot gnashed
his teeth and snout against the Plexiglas window, smearing it with
spittle. The spider team leader removed a dragon biscuit from his
pouch that he carried just for occasions like this one, and tossed
it out to Spot. The large monitor dragon soon lost interest in
eating spiders and began begging for another biscuit. The team
leader threw out an M&M’s chocolate bar next. Guido, now more
upset than ever, called spot back. Spot refused.

“
Traitor!” said Guido,
dragging Spot back across the border and leashing the dragon by the
door. “This is still not over!”

“
That was not very
neighborly!” yelled the spider team leader. “You will laugh at this
moment someday!”

“
You want to play war?”
yelled Guido. “I’ll show you the true meaning of war! I ought to
let Juardo whack both of you!”

“
Guido is kind of touchy,
isn’t he?” observed the spider team leader. “He has no sense of
humor lately.”

“
It’s just human nature,”
replied the spider guard. “Human pestilence are very volatile,
especially when they get shot at.”

“
Odd,” said the spider team
leader. “Guido needs to take a chill pill. Next war, try not to
cause so much damage.”

Later that day a spider construction crew
built Guido a new guard shack and installed a new air-conditioner
and plumbing. A new phone arrived gift wrapped with a ribbon bow.
The message on the card said, “To Guido, our favorite human
pestilence. Hope you like your new phone. Please place another
thousand on the Seahawks so I can pay for your new house. You know
I’m good for it.”

* * * * *

“
You look like hell,” I
said, shaking Major Lopez’s hand. “How did you escape? Did your
pilot contact help you?”

“
Apparently so,” replied
Major Lopez. “We should pay him again.”

“
The CIA can handle that.
Your spooks have deep pockets.”

“
I am going to kill that
spider marine commander,” said Major Lopez. “All that time we
played poker together, I thought he was a decent sort. I know
better now. He’s a vicious punk.”

“
He’s just doing his
job.”

“
I’ll kill him
anyway.”

“
Did you tell the spiders
much?” I asked.

“
They wanted to know who I
contacted at the Marriott. I told them everything but that. I even
told them your personal phone number.”

“
No big deal,” I said.
“Everyone has my number. Even the insurgency calls me up. If you
are feeling better, I have a new mission for you. That spider
commando who blew up the radio station is still on the loose. I
want you to find him.”

“
I’ll have to go to New
Phoenix to interrogate Carlos O’Neil again,” said Major Lopez. “May
I kill him?”

“
Not yet. We need to
squeeze him for more information. I think his mission was to
destroy that captured Arthropodan jet fighter. We need to track
down the entire spy network.”

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Chapter 6

I escorted Private Krueger and Dawn to see
Pastor Jim for premarital counseling at the New Gobi Church of
Scientology. Major Lopez came along in his capacity as a military
intelligence officer to research Arthropodan cultural issues.
Cultural misunderstandings seemed to be cropping up more often
these days.

Pastor Jim greeted us enthusiastically at the
steps to the church and led us to the conference room. After
introductions, we sat down to begin in earnest. “Our goal today is
to resolve conflicts and issues so that your marriage will
prosper,” started Pastor Jim. “We need a frank discussion of
roadblocks to your lasting happiness so you can achieve new states
of spiritual awareness you never thought possible. I start with the
premise that you two are basically good, and will only need minimal
guidance from me on morality issues. At least that is what Colonel
Czerinski has assured me. My hope is that after today, your
relationship will be stronger than ever.”

“
Thank you,” said Dawn.
“Colonel Czerinski has been very supportive. It was his idea for us
to see you.”

“
The Legion has a
counseling contract with Pastor Jim,” I added. “We aim to get our
money’s worth today.”

“
If there is anything about
your future spouse that irritates either of you, now is the time to
get such conflicts and issues into the open,” said Pastor Jim. “Too
many young couples think they can change their spouse’s perceived
bad habits after marriage. Then they get frustrated when their
spouse refuses to change and gets angry in return.”

“
I love everything about my
little hairball,” said Dawn, giving Private Krueger a hug and kiss.
“Willie is perfect.”

“
There are immense cultural
differences at play here,” advised Pastor Jim. “Are you sure you
cannot think of anything that needs to be resolved before you take
your vows? It would be helpful to our discussion.”