Culture War (2 page)

“
The Teamsters Union?”
asked the spider commander. “What do I care about Teamsters? Drug
dealers are attacking the Empire from the South. Drug addiction
threatens our culture. It’s a war. Our sovereignty is threatened.
Our border will be defended!”

“
You will care about the
Teamsters when you wake up in the morning with a horse head under
the blankets,” I said.

“
Horse head?” asked the
spider commander. “What’s a horse?”

“
Okay, maybe they’ll use a
dragon head,” I warned. “What’s the difference? My point is, you
are going to upset a lot of powerful special-interest groups. Your
governor doesn’t realize the kind of heat he is going to
draw.”

“
The Empire will not be
intimidated,” said the spider commander. “Those poppy fields will
be destroyed one way or another.”

“
Just make sure you do not
cross the border,” warned Major Lopez. “More military adventurism
by you spiders will not be tolerated.”

* * * * *

After the meeting with the spider commander
dispersed, Corporal Guido Tonelli approached the spider guard shack
across the Military Demarcation Line. The spider border guard came
out to greet Guido.

“
Did you hear any of that?”
asked Guido. “Are they serious? No more poker nights?”

“
It gets worse,” said the
spider guard. “The ‘no fraternization’ order puts the Angry Onion
Tavern off-limits to all Arthropodan military personnel. The
governor thinks the Angry Onion is a bad influence on us, just
because it’s a biker bar.”

“
He’s right,” said Guido.
“It is a bad influence. That’s why we go there! Plus the biker
babes are hot.”

“
Because I won’t be there,
I’ll be missing the ball game on the big-screen TV,” complained the
spider guard. “I want to place two hundred credits on the Yankees
over the Red Sox. New York is going to kick butt
tonight!”

Guido recorded the wager into his
communications pad. “If anyone else wants to place a bet, just send
them here,” said Guido. “I’ll be doing a lot of business right here
in my guard shack, since I’m going to lose half my business at the
Angry Onion. I should sue your new governor.”

“
We need to do something
about all that blue powder coming across the border,” said the
spider guard. “That’s what started all this nonsense. It would all
be good if we got rid of the blue powder menace.”

Guido reached down and patted his monitor
dragon Spot on the snout. The dragon hissed affectionately. “What
can we do?” asked Guido. “Spot has sniffed out so much blue powder
from smugglers, I think he’s addicted to the stuff. You spiders
have already made drug dealing punishable by summary execution. If
that won’t deter the smugglers what will?”

“
I don’t know,” replied the
spider guard, getting depressed. “Change my bet to five hundred
credits on the Yankees. You know I’m good for it.”

“
Bet responsibly,”
cautioned Guido. “You’ve been living life on the edge a lot
lately.”

“
The governor is going to
close down all sports gambling in New Gobi City,” said the spider
guard. “I have to make my money while I can. I’m going all
in!”

“
Don’t worry,” said Guido.
“I heard your commander say this will all blow over in a few
months. Then business will be back to normal.”

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Chapter 2

An anonymous tip advised that a high-speed
Arthropodan mini attack helicopter was going to dart across the MDL
at midnight to blow up a Legion radio station that broadcast human
music and Free Colorado messages and news to the spiders. The
Legion was waiting with SAMs. However, the helicopter abruptly
veered off course and dropped a powerful defoliant on the vast
poppy fields south of New Gobi City. Afterward, as the helicopter
took evasive action on return, it was shot down. Its pilot was
immediately captured by the Legion.

“
I demand our Air Wing
pilot be released,” said the spider commander, again standing at
the border crossing. “Your escalation of hostilities is a reckless
and irresponsible provocation.”

“
No,” I replied. “The pilot
is being interviewed and may face charges.”

“
Our Air Wing commander was
flying an unarmed civilian craft when he innocently strayed across
the border,” insisted the spider commander. “The Legion shot him
down in violation of our treaty agreements concerning off-course or
lost air traffic. I thought these incidents were behind us. This
new provocation will not stand.”

“
Your pilot crossed the MDL
intentionally,” commented Major Lopez. “Why? I will find out sooner
or later.”

“
If you torture or abuse my
pilot, I will hold you personally responsible for war crimes,”
warned the spider commander.

“
War crimes?” I asked. “Are
we at war?”

“
Yes, war crimes!” insisted
the spider commander. “The Butcher of New Colorado should be very
familiar with that term. Release my pilot immediately!”

“
Pack sand,” I replied. “I
will release your pilot only after I find out his
mission.”

“
I have reason to believe
my pilot needs medical attention. If you won’t release him, I at
least demand an Arthropodan medical team examine him.”

“
I don’t think so. We don’t
want him to end up with mysteriously terminal injuries.”

“
Then I have no choice.
Effective immediately, the border is closed to all traffic. The MDL
will stay closed until you come to your senses and release my
pilot.”

After a few days, the poppy fields began
dying, and the pilot’s mission became more apparent. TV reporters
camped at Legion Headquarters, wanting to know when the spider
pilot was going to be released. I refused interviews. When I
finally ordered the pilot released, the spider commander gave his
pilot a hero’s welcome. The spider Air Wing commander was
interviewed on all the Arthropodan Cable TV news and talk channels.
He promised his mission was just one of many planned in the war on
human pestilence drug trafficking. The war on drugs would
continue.

Soon afterwards, upset human farmers gathered
at Legion Headquarters, demanding compensation for crop damages,
and that the Legion do something about the spiders. They claimed
the defoliant not only killed their crops, but caused a nasty skin
rash. Many feared the chemicals would eventually cause cancer and
birth defects. The TV crews interviewed every farmer before they
finally went home. I feared there would be more incidents making
the news.

* * * * *

In spite of intergalactic tension along the
DMZ, my routine administrative duties needed attention, too. Master
Sergeant Green brought Private Krueger to my office. “Sir, we have
a problem,” announced Sergeant Green. “Private Krueger here wants
to get married.”

“
And you are here to get
your commander’s permission?” I asked. “That is not a problem.
While I agree Private Krueger is irresponsible, too young, too
immature, way too bad-tempered, starts bar fights, and is a
drunkard, I think marriage might be just what he needs to settle
him down. Private Krueger, I knew your older brother. He was a good
legionnaire. Because of that, I have always taken a special
interest in you. Good luck with your marriage. Permission
granted.”

“
Thank you, sir,” said
Private Krueger, sliding the Legion marriage certificate permission
form across my desk for signature.

“
This application is
incomplete,” I commented, quickly scanning the paperwork. “Her name
is Dawn? Does she have a middle and last name? Fill in the blanks,
private. This application has to be completely filled out for
security, identification, medical, and base housing purposes. And
look at that. Dawn’s thumb print is a mess. Do this over. Sergeant
Green, walk Private Krueger through the paperwork process, and then
I’ll sign off on the marriage.”

“
That is not a thumb
print,” said Sergeant Green. “That is a claw print. Dawn is a
spider.”

“
What?” I asked, staring at
Krueger in disbelief. “Why would you want to marry a
spider?”

“
I have to,” cried Private
Krueger, now trembling. “I have no choice.”

“
What do you mean by that?”
I asked. “She’s not pregnant is she? Is that even possible?” I
checked the database on my notepad, looking for answers.

“
No way,” said Major Lopez.
“Spiders and humans are not compatible for breeding.”

“
Actually it is possible,”
said Private Krueger. “But it would require a medical procedure
involving the implant of a donor egg and–”

“
Stop!” I ordered. “I do
not want to hear all the gory details. If she is not pregnant, then
why do you feel you have to get married? You have free will! Are
you in love with Dawn?”

“
Not really,” said Private
Krueger. “Dawn says she is an old-fashioned traditional female. She
says custom and law require us to get married after having sex ten
times.”

“
That is ridiculous,” I
said, counting on my fingers the number of drunken encounters I
could still remember with spider females. I gave up, trembling at
the thought. “You are a legionnaire. You are not bound by spider
law or custom, especially south of the MDL. You are protected by
human laws and by the USGF Constitution. No one can make you marry
against your will.”

“
But Dawn says if I refuse
to marry her and make her an honest female, her reputation and
honor will be forever sullied,” explained Private Krueger. “Dawn
says she will be well within her rights to kill and eat me, and
will be honor-bound and forced to do so. I believe her.”

“
Eat you?” I asked. “Is
that some kind of spider slang? What do you mean by
‘eat’?”

“
I mean she will tear me
apart with her fangs, suck my blood dry, and toss my husk aside,”
cried Private Krueger. “Please sign the marriage certificate and
let me marry Dawn. She scares the hell out of me.”

“
This is why the Legion
provides premarital counseling for its young enlisted men,” I
commented. “I am sending you to talk to Pastor Jim. You may be
required to bring Dawn, too.”

“
That might upset her,”
complained Private Krueger. “Dawn is not the church-going
type.”

“
If she loves you, she will
go with you to see Pastor Jim,” I advised.

“
But she won’t do it!”
cried Private Krueger. “Churches weird her out.”

“
This can’t get more
weird,” commented Major Lopez.

“
There are parameters you
need to make clear at the beginning of any relationship,” I said.
“You need to establish who will be the boss in your marriage. You
need to wear the pants in this marriage. You need to lay down the
law for Dawn. Otherwise, she will just walk all over
you.”

“
But she is bigger than
me,” said Private Krueger. “And those fangs and her claw are
vicious weapons. What do I do about them?”

“
Never let females think
size makes a difference,” advised Major Lopez. “If she refuses to
go to church, just bitch-slap her. That’s what I would
do.”

“
That’s what I would do
too,” I added, nodding in agreement.

“
Maybe she’d listen to a
full bird Legion colonel. Please talk to her, sir,” pleaded Private
Krueger.

“
Where can I find your
lovely Dawn?”

“
She hangs out at the Angry
Onion Tavern,” said Private Krueger. “She’s a Hell’s Angels biker
babe.”

“
I see,” I said. “What does
Dawn do for a living?”

“
She’s a drug-dealing blue
powder crack whore,” said Sergeant Green. “I wouldn’t talk to her
alone.”

“
This only gets better,” I
said. “I thought you said Dawn was an old-fashioned traditional
biker babe.”

“
She is!” said Private
Krueger. “Dawn has a heart of gold. But her temper and those big
knives she carries scare the shit out of me. Especially when she’s
been drinking. Please, sir, talk to her. I don’t really want to get
married, but I will – to save my life.”

“
Major Lopez, take a
platoon of fully armed Legion commandos to the Angry Onion Tavern
and arrest the fair biker babe Dawn,” I ordered. “Lock her up
without bail at the county jail. Tell Dawn I’ll be by later to chat
with her about counseling.”

* * * * *

Outside the Angry Onion Tavern, Major Lopez
conferred with Corporal John Iwo Jima Wayne. Major Lopez hoped the
big tough and worldly spider legionnaire could provide some insight
about how to deal with female spiders.

“
Our females are aggressive
during courtship,” explained Corporal Wayne. “But once happily
married, they become quite submissive. Krueger just needs to stand
up for himself. If he continues to be such a wimp, after marriage
Dawn will surely kill him. He’ll become a midnight
snack.”

“
That is unacceptable,”
said Major Lopez. “We cannot let spider biker babes eat
legionnaires. It sets a bad precedent.”

“
Private Krueger isn’t one
of our better legionnaires anyway,” commented Corporal Wayne. “His
death will be an acceptable loss.”