Culture War (6 page)

“
Together, Willie and I
will fight any problem that comes up,” insisted Dawn. “We are in
love.”

“
And is there anything
about Dawn you would like her to change?” asked Pastor Jim, turning
to Private Krueger. “It is very important that you air possible
areas of conflict now before marriage rather than let the problems
fester. I promise your marriage will be stronger for
it.”

“
Well, the only thing that
upsets me a little is that she keeps threatening to kill me over
every little thing,” said Private Krueger. “I realize it’s just a
small cultural issue, but I’m sure she means it.”

“
Of course I mean it,” said
Dawn. “How can a relationship grow and last if you aren’t true to
your word? You have to mean what you say.”

“
Willie says you threaten
him over every little thing,” said Pastor Jim. “Perhaps you could
take into account human customs and social norms, and threaten him
less often on minor matters? Or maybe just beat him rather than
kill him?”

“
You mean like if he
doesn’t do the dishes or take out the trash on time?” asked Dawn.
“I am an old-fashioned traditional female from New Memphis, but I
guess I could relax my standards a little to allow for some
cultural differences between species. I love Willie so
much.”

“
I think we are making
grand progress,” said Pastor Jim.

“
What about the other times
Dawn threatens to kill me?” asked Private Krueger. “Her demands are
unreasonable.”

“
I don’t know what you
mean,” said Dawn, starting to cry. “How am I being unreasonable? I
only want happiness for us. That’s why I am here.”

“
It’s her sexual demands,”
said Private Krueger. “Sometimes she frightens me so badly I almost
have a heart attack.”

“
May I record this?” asked
Major Lopez, setting a recorder on the table.

“
I don’t know what he is
talking about,” said Dawn, smashing the recording device with her
claw. “Like I said before, I am an old-fashioned traditional female
with old-fashioned traditional needs. Of course I will kill Willie
if I do not orgasm every time we have sex. He knew that before we
entered into our relationship. But, so far that has not been a
problem.”

“
That is more information
than I needed to hear,” I blurted, getting up to leave.

“
Every time?” asked Pastor
Jim. “That is not reasonable, according to human
standards.”

“
Why not?” asked Dawn. “If
he gets to, I should too. Besides, that is the promise he made me
that first time. I’m holding him to it!”

“
I was drunk,” said Private
Krueger. “I would have promised anything to get in. All guys do
that.”

“
This is all new ground we
are exploring here today,” said Pastor Jim. “You marriage will be
the first between species. You might find that some expectations
may not be physically possible, especially as you both get
older.”

“
No problem,” said Dawn.
“If I find out later he doesn’t measure up, I’ll just kill him. You
can’t fight centuries of tradition.”

“
This is normal behavior
for your species?” asked Pastor Jim.

“
Of course,” said Dawn.
“Our males treat their mates with respect.”

“
Now I know why Corporal
Washington is always so tired,” commented Pastor Jim, shaking his
head. “He has two wives.”

“
I thought spider wives
became more submissive after marriage,” I interjected. “That’s what
Corporal Wayne told me.”

“
I am a Hell’s Angel,” said
Dawn. “I won’t budge from my high standards!”

“
Still, you need to be
knowledgeable and respectful of the cultural and physical
differences between species,” said Pastor Jim. “Otherwise your
marriage may end tragically.”

“
I am knowledgeable,” said
Dawn. “I have been reading everything I can about human culture on
the database. Even your culture discusses the Black Widow. Do you
deny there are black widows on Earth?”

“
No,” said Pastor Jim, “but
black widows are not human.”

“
Well neither am I,” said
Dawn. “I am keeping my standards. It is important for the social
fabric of society that certain standards be respected, maintained,
and preserved. I heard that on cable TV just today.”

“
I think this discussion
has been very informative and helpful,” said Pastor Jim. “But, I
think we need to schedule another follow up session for next week.
In the meantime, try to think of ways to resolve your differences,
and be prepared to discuss them.”

“
What?” asked Dawn. “We
need to move this along and set a date for our wedding. My
biological clock is ticking.”

“
I need to do some more
research first,” said Pastor Jim. “Perhaps we can also discuss your
family plans at our next meeting.”

“
Leave my family out of
this,” said Dawn. “Only my sister is invited to the wedding. She’s
good looking. You’d like her. The rest of them are nothing but a
bunch of drunks and junkies. I’m not a junkie. I only sell blue
powder. My sister and I never use. Using is for chumps.”

“
I meant your plans for
children,” said Pastor Jim.

“
I want at least
fifty.”

“
We might need several
sessions.”

* * * * *

The wedding announcement for Private Krueger
and Dawn was printed in the local New Gobi Newspaper and on the
database. The spider Governor of the North Territory called his New
Gobi military commander to discuss the matter. “This is just the
sort of thing the Emperor was concerned about when he ordered
initiatives to be taken against American attacks on our culture,”
said the governor. “This wedding has to be stopped.”

“
But both of those young
fools are American citizens,” said the spider commander. “And the
wedding is taking place on the American side of the MDL. There is
nothing I can do about it. The Americans are always stirring their
big melting pot. That’s how they got spiders to join their Foreign
Legion.”

“
The immoral American
melting pot will not be allowed to slop over onto our side of the
MDL,” said the spider governor. “You have operatives working in the
South. Bomb the wedding. Make it look like the insurgency is
responsible.”

“
What?” asked the spider
commander. “I am not going to bomb a wedding. Are you
crazy?”

“
How dare you question my
orders!” yelled the governor. “I’ll have you up on
charges!”

“
Oh really?” challenged the
spider commander. “If my Emperor orders me to bomb a wedding, I
will do so. I am my Emperor’s sword. But you do not have that
authority. It is you who will be brought up on charges. You want me
to bomb a wedding? Put those orders in writing!”

“
Perhaps I may have been a
bit hasty,” said the governor, thinking it over a moment. “No harm
intended to you, commander.”

“
I don’t believe you,” said
the spider commander. “Now you will try to stab me in the back? I
hope you know I record all conversations for security
purposes.”

“
I rescinded my order to
bomb the wedding,” said the governor. “I said I was hasty in my
decision. Do not even think about blackmailing me. You will destroy
your recording at once. I still want you to use all means at your
disposal to stop that wedding. Is that order clear to
you?”

“
No,” said the spider
commander. “How am I supposed to stop two young fools in love from
getting married? Hell, they could elope at any time. And even if I
did succeed, there are surely others as foolhardy as those two,
making similar plans.”

“
We will deal with one
abomination at a time,” said the governor. “Maybe you could use
hookers to tempt them. Film the whole sordid affair and put it on
the database. The scandal ought to dampen their ardor. Or maybe one
of them could be given a virus? Perhaps intervention therapy would
force them to use common sense?”

“
Force teenagers to use
common sense?” asked the spider commander. “By kidnapping them?
That seems risky. I think it’s been tried before, with mixed
results.”

“
I’m just thinking out
loud,” said the governor. “You know, brainstorming. That’s what I
was doing earlier, too. You were right. Bombing the wedding was a
bad idea.”

“
Sir, I’ll give the matter
some thought,” said the spider commander. “And I am sorry I got so
angry at you earlier. You surely meant well. Anyone can have a
brain fart.”

“
I do not have brain
farts!” said the governor, slamming down the phone. “That commander
needs to be more respectful!”

* * * * *

The spider commander made a call to the
Teamsters’ Union, offering amnesty for Mr. Kennworth and to help in
future negotiations for the release of Carlos O’Neil. All the
spider commander wanted in return was one little favor. After the
call, Mr. Kennworth drove to the safe house in New Phoenix, picked
up the spider commando hiding there, and drove straight to the
Angry Onion Tavern to kidnap Dawn and Private Willie Krueger. They
had not worked out the details of their plan yet, but Mr. Kennworth
was confident it would come to them after a round of beers. Perhaps
they could even hold Dawn and Willie hostage to trade for Carlos
after the military was through with them.

Private Krueger sat at the bar, slowly
getting drunk on vodka. Dawn was making sales of blue powder to the
junkies and tourists. She would slip into the women’s restroom to
complete each transaction. Mr. Kennworth thought about mugging Dawn
in the restroom.
Hell, it would be easier to just kill her and
Willie, but the spider commander insisted that they be abducted
unharmed, if possible.

“
Someone should arrest that
dope-dealing biker babe bitch,” commented the commando. “She’s been
pushing blue powder all night.”

“
That’s it!” said Mr.
Kennworth. “We will pretend to be DEA agents and arrest them both.
The simplicity of the plan is pure genius.”

“
That won’t work,” said the
commando. “We don’t have badges. We need badges to be
DEA.”

“
We don’t need no stinking
badges,” said Mr. Kennworth.

“
Yes we do.”

Mr. Kennworth took a Union pin from his
fedora and pinned it to the inside of his wallet flap. He gave
another pin to the commando. “If we need stinking badges, use this
for a badge. Quickly flip your wallet open and shut like this when
we identify ourselves. No one will question who we are because we
will have our guns drawn.”

“
I still say it won’t
work,” said the commando. “We don’t look like DEA.”

“
Sure it will,” said Mr.
Kennworth. “What does DEA look like? As a back up, you plant timed
explosives in the restroom and out in the parking lot to cover our
getaway. Let’s do it now.”

The commando set explosives under a sink in
the restroom and under a car out front. Mr. Kennworth pulled out
his wallet badge in one claw and a pistol in the other. The
commando drew an Uzi from under his trench coat.

“
DEA!” yelled Mr.
Kennworth. “Dawn, you are under arrest for violation of the
Controlled Substances Act!”

“
You too!” shouted the
commando, grabbing Private Krueger off his bar stool.

“
I don’t sell drugs,”
whined Private Krueger. “It’s all on her. She’s the menace to
society.”

“
They let spiders in the
DEA?” asked Dawn. “It’s a sad day when brother spiders are joining
the DEA. What’s this galaxy coming to? May I see those badges
again?”

“
No!” yelled Mr. Kennworth.
“There’s a new sheriff in town! We’ve been watching you two for a
long time. You’re going down, big mamma!”

“
Look around you,” said
Dawn. “Do you think you can just waltz into a biker bar, do what
you want, and waltz on out as you please? You’re both dead spider
swine walking.”

Mr. Kennworth glanced to the side, keeping
his pistol aimed at Dawn. She still had her belt knives. A hundred
Hell’s Angels were pressing in on them. Some had already drawn
firearms and knives. The commando leveled his Uzi at the
bikers.

“
We are all walking out to
my car real peaceful,” announced Mr. Kennworth. “The Sheriff’s
Office is on its way. Don’t make us use deadly force!”

“
Kill them!” yelled Dawn,
now thrashing about as they walked.

As she spoke, the men’s restroom blew up,
leaving a gaping hole to the outside. Then a car in the parking lot
exploded, blowing out the tavern’s front windows. The commando
opened fire on the crowd of bikers with his Uzi, littering the
floor with bodies. Mr. Kennworth grabbed Dawn and Willie, and they
escaped through all the dust, carnage, and confusion.

* * * * *

“
The Feds arrested Private
Krueger for drugs?” I asked. “When do we get him back?”

“
I don’t know,” said
Sergeant Green. “That’s why I’m talking to you, sir. I was hoping
you could find out. They took Dawn, too.”

“
Now, that I can believe,”
I said. “Where did the Feds take them?”