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“Oh Penny are you going to be alright with this?”

I hear Maggie ask as she turns off the ignition to her modest hatchback and studies my pre-occupied stare towards Evans car.

“Of course I am alright,” I inebriate confidently.

Was I?

I wasn’t sure.

I hop out of the car and follow closely behind Maggie until we enter her home. As soon as the door is open my heart flutters and aches at once as I hear his too familiar throaty laughter cascade into my ears. I shut my eyes absorbing the sound fully as it takes me back to a place of familiarity. Of love.

“What’s so funny?” she chuckles as she tosses her keys onto the dining table. As Maggie removes her body that shields me from sight no longer is it just his laugh I hear, but those adorable broody eyes gazing in my direction are in full view. He gulps.

“You’re back!” I hear Ryan exclaim as he skips towards Maggie enthusiastically laying kisses on her face.

“How was the pub?”

“It was nice,” she responds carefully. “How was your game?”

“Don’t ask!”

Ryan skulks over towards Evan and immediately distracts him from his eye lock with me.

“I actually beat him today Maggs and he isn’t too happy to say the least,” Evan awkwardly answers and takes a seat on the sofa opposite Ryan.

“Beat me? That’s a bit of an exaggeration mate. I basically handed you the win!”

Ryan and Evan tease each other, laughing about their golf today and as Maggie scurries around the house tidying up as she goes I still haven’t moved from the foyer. I feel like I am intruding on a routine that has evolved over the past few months.

“Penny, why don’t you go and relax in the spare room and we can watch a movie together or something?” I hear Maggie say decisively, obviously due to my stand still state.

With the alcohol in my system my immediate reaction is to rebut and prove that I am fine.

“No I’m okay here.”

I slowly stride towards the dining table until I am taking up a stool at the kitchen bench. My back turned to the boys on the sofa’s behind me. I hear Ryan and Evan’s distant conversation as they continue their mockery about their game today, when I feel Maggie’s tentative tap on my shoulder.

“Psss.”

Her blonde hair falls over my shoulder as her mouth presses to my ear. “Penny, we don’t have to stay out here with them, we can go in the other room and talk?” she whispers delicately.

I shake my head irrationally.
Drunkenly
.

“I’m fine.”

“Remember this? This was such a great film!”

Ryan’s enthusiastic tone interrupts me and I automatically turn over my shoulder to look at him. He reaches for the television remote and raises the volume.

As he settles back onto the two-seater sofa opposite Evan, the images across the television are familiar.

“Aaaw I love this movie!”

Maggie scatters away from me taking up residence beside Ryan, snuggling against his side. I tentatively wander over to them and since there is only one spare seat in the living room, I cautiously sit next to Evan. He stills immediately in response. I don’t make eye contact with him, but sit stiffly in the sofa and keep my eyes firmly fixed on the screen; trying to stubbornly prove that I am completely fine.

My good conscious frowns.

“Oh, Penny, did you want to swap seats?” I hear Maggie ask carefully.

I shake my head irrationally.

What am I doing?

Half an hour or so has passed and I am still rigidly sitting on the sofa next to Evan. To say the situation was awkward would have been the understatement of the century. My eyes dart to Ryan and Maggie cuddled up on their sofa, to the tense and fragile atmosphere between Evan and I on this side. My hands were fidgeting restlessly in my lap and my heart racing a million miles a minute. There needed to be some kind of ice breaker somehow in order to be able to breathe again. It was almost unbearable. I couldn’t get up and walk out after I made such a determined display I was fine to be here. Maggie gave me an out and I chose this one.

Good one Penny!

I needed something, anything, so I could relax. I didn’t know how long I could keep this up.

   
“......your name is Goolia? So her name will be Julia Goolia...”

I immediately crack up laughing. Both from the familiar line in the movie, the awkwardness and probably alcohol in my system. I note the others stare at me questionably, before all joining in with their own chuckling. All of us in the living room giggle at the scene on screen - I, a little too much just to relieve the tension in the air. I'm successful. I settle back comfortably on the lounge pulling my feet up underneath me and feeling a little more at ease, I try to enjoy the rest of the film.

“I love that movie!” Maggie cries as the credits begin rolling on the television. “It's such a feel good film.”

I can’t help but nod my head agreeing with her as she was right, it was a feel good, happy film. However, it was also one of the first movie’s I remember watching with Evan.  I find myself automatically glancing over at him peripherally, as my thoughts reminisce over some better times between us. Times that were but a distant memory. He must have noticed me spying him as he smiles sweetly, revealing those gorgeous dimples beneath his stubbly cheeks.

“Remember that?” he asks softly.

I nod, blushing slightly.

“Remember what?” I hear Maggie ask him from the other sofa.

“Oh, just a joke Pen and I used to laugh about when we saw that movie,” he blushes towards me uncomfortably.

“What joke?” Maggie urges as she turns her eyes toward me. “Penny?”

My heart stops its regular beat momentarily as I gulp nervously.

“Umm... just an in-joke we had....” I mumble before turning my focus to Evan beside me.

He grins.

“Penny Quarters,” I beam.

Evan’s eyes lift enormously and his beautiful crooked smile takes up his entire face. He looks elated. I wasn’t sure if it was real or not, more than likely the alcohol I had consumed, but he looked gorgeous. In that second all of those feelings I had for him and the reasons why I loved him so, flood me intensely.

Why?

Why did I have to leave him?

Well, I know why.

But why?

“Alright, well I don’t get it,” Maggie replies shaking her head.

As Evan's laughter subsides, Ryan stands reaching for Maggie’s hand and pulls her up from the sofa.

“Get me some dinner wench,” he chuckles as he swats her cheekily on the bum.

“Aaaw so sweet you are,” she replies, batting her eyelashes in an over-the-top manner. I can't help but get lost in their playfulness. The easiness at which they are with each other, so in love and obviously happy. I return my focus to Evan who I am surprised hasn’t wavered his gaze from me.

“Mate, are you staying for something to eat?” I hear Ryan call to him.

Evan eyes me immediately for my reaction and I don’t budge at all. I turn my focus awkwardly toward the ceiling before being pulled back toward
his
. He takes a careful breath.

“It depends. Are you sure it’s alright?” he replies to Ryan, but his eyes are asking
me
for permission – not Ryan.

Will this be alright?

Can I deal with this?

I honestly thought my answer should be no. After everything I had felt for him these past few months the last thing I should be wanting to do is to spend time with him. After staring at him for a few more moments I can feel the response building inside of me.

Tell him to go.

Tell him to leave.

I allow my lips to turn up at the corners, nodding toward him.

Damn it!

He immediately smiles with a sigh of relief.

“Yes please mate. I would love to.”

“That was great Maggs,” Evan states as he leans back in his seat as I watch carefully. His polo shirt rises up at the waist, revealing his tanned six pack and the light trail of brown hairs that disappear beneath his belt. I feel my heart quicken at the sight of his toned body, remembering the way he felt beneath my hands, before his palm comes into view as he rests it on his stomach. I swallow heavily and pull my eyes away from his body and toward his face.

“I think I ate way too much though,” he smiles.

Oh my.

The way his warm-hearted grin makes me feel is an abundance of emotions. Seated opposite him at the dining table barely sipping on some green tea that Maggie had made me - I felt like I was at a safer distance from him. It was like observing my favourite animal at the zoo, I was behind the fence and couldn't be harmed.

“Yes she is definitely a keeper this one, she can make a good home cooked meal that’s for sure,” Ryan exclaims positively while standing with his dirty dishes in hand making his way to the sink. She smiles sheepishly and follows his lead. I begin picturing their wedding which was planned for early next year at the end of our Summer. I smiled genuinely at the thought of their ceremony and how stunning a bride Maggs would make. I hear Evan sigh heavily.

“Been a while since I’ve had one those,” he sombrely mumbles and as I glance toward him we catch each other’s stare. He was never one to cook. We used to tease that the only thing he could make successfully was toast and even that wasn’t always perfect! So many recollections inundate me as I absorb his warm watch. It’s probably the only gaze in the world that makes me feel at home. I smile.

“What was that Evan?” Maggie asks as she rattles the empty plates in the sink.

“Ah nothing,” he replies quickly and stands immediately taking his dishes with him into the kitchen. “Thanks so much for dinner Maggs, but I better be going as I have an early start tomorrow.”

I felt a simultaneous sigh of relief and sadness.

“You are more than welcome,” she chirps. “Oh that reminds me Ry, are you able to take Penny into Sydney tomorrow morning?”

I fidget nervously as I am reminded that my impending visit to Rosie’s isn’t that far away.

“Ah, I can’t sweetie, I have a site meeting first thing.”

“Really? She just needs to get some things from her place, you know...” she trails off as her and Ryan eye each other very obviously, making me feel extremely uncomfortable.

“Well I guess I could try to reschedule or....”

“No it’s fine,” I interject immediately, as I didn’t want to further discuss this situation with such an audience. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I make my way to my feet and take my empty plates to the sink where everyone else is congregating. I purposely keep my eyes focused to the floor, as I didn’t want to risk making eye contact with anyone. Especially
him
with such discussion going on. “I will just take the train,” I add.

“You are not taking the train. It will take forever.” Maggie complains before adding, “I can’t take you the next day after as I have an appointment early morning here, but maybe after that? Ryan, will that work?”

I shake my head. This conversation was beginning to go on and on, I just wanted it to stop. Besides, I didn’t want to wait another few days before facing this. I wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible and not have it hang over my head. I vaguely hear Maggie and Ryan discuss their schedules for the week, going back and forth when I hear Evan edge a throaty cough.

“Well...  I could take you?”

The hoarse tone that speaks directly to my heart as it had done for so many years cascades from over my shoulder. Despite not wanting to make any eye contact I find myself automatically turning around to face him. I can't help it. As our eyes connect it’s just him and I; and the enormity of guilt, solemnity and love surrounding us.

“I can’t ask you to do that,” I whisper back holding back soft sobs.

He stares at me for another moment, his eyes glassier each second that ticks by. The suspended silence in the air is so tense it could shatter at any moment.

“You aren’t asking, I’m offering," he starts. "I can take you.”

I continue to stare at him knowing I shouldn't but I couldn't help it. I can feel Ryan and Maggie’s presence again beside us staring back at us not wanting to interrupt – yet not wanting to make a move. It’s almost as if they are holding their breaths awaiting my response. Before I can further rationalise the situation, or delve further into reasons why I should or should not go with him, the reply automatically starts to drip from my mouth as I feel lost in his secure gaze.

“Thanks.”

The quiver in my voice is obvious but it’s enough to end this awkward conversation. Before I can begin to take back my words, like an out of body experience I see Ryan, Maggie and my beloved all make their way to the front door. As they hug, shake each other’s hands and speak their goodbyes, Evans eyes find my stunned ones once more.

“See you in the morning.”

Huh?