Cuts Run Deep (16 page)

Everything was spiraling out of control.

And I just kept screwing up. It’s like once I started messing up, I couldn’t stop.

Piper heard from the Cherry Woods Police Department again, and they were investigating her pretty hard. I know they’re going to find out what I did. And then what? What will happen to me? And even worse, what’s going to happen to Piper? My involvement implicated her too.

Damn it, why didn’t I think things through?

And then there was Shane’s death. In the weeks leading up to his suicide, everything came out. The whole damn school found out he was gay. I knew it was my fault. It was clear who the ringleader was, and I kicked myself for ever sharing Shane’s secret with Zach. I should’ve known better. Zach was a dick. He liked messing with people. Why had I given him that ammunition against Shane?

I was the kind of guy who helped people. So why did I keep hurting everyone lately? What was happening to me?

Piper took Shane’s death really hard. Not that I was surprised. I mean, he was her one friend at Red Blossom High. They got along well. She felt connected to him. She was the only person that he shared his secret with, after all. Damn, I felt awful that she had shared the secret with me and I had spilled it. If she ever found out, she’d never trust me again.

Not only that, but she’d feel responsible for his death, and that couldn’t happen. I felt guilty enough for the two of us. I wouldn’t destroy her this way.

But she sensed something wasn’t right. She kept pondering how word got out about Shane. She didn’t understand how it had spread so fast after he’d kept it under wraps for so long. And it ate me up inside that I knew and couldn’t tell her.

Sometimes I felt like our relationship was balancing on a tightrope. One wrong move or slip of the foot and we’d crash. I knew it was only a matter of time before we did. We couldn’t keep hanging on forever. I knew I’d lose Piper, and I feared it would be soon, and that scared the shit out of me.

Earlier tonight I was wallowing in self-pity. Mom and Dad weren’t home, and Court was up in her room doing homework. That kid studied all the damn time, I swear. She was the good sibling. She’d never end up in the kind of trouble I’m in. Anyway, I got into Dad’s vodka. I didn’t get drunk. I wish I had, then maybe I could justify what I did, but I was only slightly buzzed.

Tanya showed up. She knew what Zach and Tyler had done to Shane. And she knew I was the one who told him about Shane’s secret. Of course she did. That chick knew every damn thing. I told her to go to hell, but she refused to leave. She told me she was worried about me. Then she reminded me of how long we’d been friends.

I’ll admit, I started to listen to her at that point. I mean, we had been friends a long time, and she was being so sweet. Sweeter than Piper had been to me lately. Maybe that’s why I allowed it to happen. Maybe in some ways I needed to feel cared for. I needed some tenderness.

But I think the real reason I let Tanya kiss me is because I’m scared. Scared that Piper is going to leave me when she finds out the truth about me.

Still that’s no excuse. I never should have kissed Tanya. And once she left, it hit me just how stupid I was. If I was scared of Piper leaving me, why the hell would I kiss someone else? It didn’t even make sense.

And as I sit here now, I feel like a damn fool. If only I could get my head on straight and stop making so many mistakes. Like I said, it’s all spiraling out of control.

If only I knew how to stop it.

“Why did you have the gun that night, Piper?” Detective Pepper asked, his thick eyebrows shooting upward, reminding me of two fuzzy caterpillars curling up. “Were you planning to kill Jackson when you drove out to Blossom Mountain to meet him?”

“Blossom Mountain?” My eyes widened. “That’s where Jackson was killed?”

The detective flashed me an incredulous look as if he didn’t believe that I was surprised.

Sitting back, I allowed the information to sink in. We’d been to Blossom Mountain together just last week. Jackson had been asking me about my suicide attempt again. I thought it was odd that he was bringing it up. It had been so long since we’d spoken of it.

It was so frigid, the air stole my breath. When I shivered, Jackson drew me close. I snuggled into him, tucking my hands into the flaps in his jacket. He rubbed his nose against my cheek and blew out a warm breath. It fanned over my skin, momentarily warming me.

“Is that better?” He asked.

I nodded, glancing out at the bright lights in front of us. It was my first time at Blossom Mountain. When Jackson mentioned coming up here I jumped at the chance. Things had been so strained and weird between us lately. It felt good to be alone with him; to have his arms wrapped around me. Maybe all we needed was to find our connection again. And now that I was up here, I was so glad I came. It was beautiful, the view breathtaking. Up here you could see out over all of Red Blossom.

Scooting upward, I kissed his chin gently, his stubble chafing my mouth. He bent his head, his lips brushing over mine. His tongue licked out, teasing my lips open. When I parted them, it slid into my mouth, tasting of mint and spice. Our tongues melded together, our lips moving in sync. His arms tightened around me, and my fingers clutched the edge of his jacket. The kiss deepened, becoming more desperate. Jackson’s fingers dug into my waist, his mouth pressing into mine with insistence. Angling my body, I turned so I was facing him. Sliding up my hands, I held on to his neck, my nails scratching his flesh. With my body I told him how much I needed him, and he responded in kind. In our kiss we conveyed all the things we hadn’t been able to say for weeks. The connection between us was so strong I felt it palpably. Jackson’s hands skated up my sides, trailing up my neck and resting at my head. His fingers tangled in my hair as he continued to kiss me. It was a give and take, a push and pull. And when it ended my lips were sore, my head fuzzy. But for the first time in weeks I truly believed everything would be all right. That Jackson and I would get through this rough patch.

Satisfied, I sat back down and looked out over the mountain. Sighing, I dropped my head on his shoulder. His fingers stroked my upper arm as he held me. Goosebumps rose on my flesh at his tender touch.

“It’s so beautiful up here,” I murmured. A slight breeze washed over me. Lights twinkled from the houses below, and the stars winked at us from above. The large crescent moon glowed brightly, illuminating the sky around it.

“Yes, it is.”

I knew Jackson was looking at me without even turning my head, and it caused my lips to curl at the edges.

“The stars make me think back to when we were rehearsing for the play,” Jackson said.

“
When he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars. And he will make the face of heaven so fine. That all the world will be in love with night. And pay no worship to the garish sun,” I recited. 

“It’s weird to think about the fact that long after we’re gone the stars will still be here.” Jackson’s fingers played with mine, and it felt good.

“Yeah, when someone dies the world keeps turning.”

“And they live in the hearts of those who loved them.” Jackson’s hand moved from my hand to my chest. He pressed his hand over my heart. “Right here.” I sucked in a breath. “And in the stars.”

I stared up at the sky, wondering why Jackson was talking about death so much. Out of habit, my fingers found my bracelets and began to fiddle with them.

“Did it hurt?” Jackson’s question startled me.

I nodded. “Terribly.”

“Why the knife?”

“I told you already.” I wanted to talk about something else. Anything else.

“Just to make a statement to Bentley? Hadn’t he hurt you enough?” His voice was pained.

I shifted, the ground cold beneath me. “It wasn’t just that. I didn’t know how else to do it. If we had had the gun at that point, I would’ve used it.”

“Shane took pills.”

“What?” Why was he bringing up Shane? My stomach soured. This was not at all how I wanted this night to go.

“It was up here. This is where Shane ended it. He sat here and took pill after pill until he died.”

Ah, so that’s why Jackson’s mind was on death. I craned my neck. Jackson’s face was ravaged with pain. “It was here?” Suddenly this place didn’t look so beautiful. In fact, it appeared grotesque, scary. It was dark and cold, like death.

“Do you think it was peaceful the way he went? I mean, do you think when you take pills you go easily. Surely it’s less painful than a knife to the wrist.”

I winced. “I don’t know. Personally, I’d use a gun. It’s quick and painless. Who knows how long it takes with pills.” I shivered. “Why are we talking about this?”

“I’m sorry.” He kissed my forehead, leaving moisture on my skin. “I just can’t stop thinking about it, you know. It’s so awful.”

My heart went out to Jackson. He had such a big heart. Even though he hardly knew Shane, he felt so bad about what happened. I threaded my fingers through his and held tightly to his cold hands. “I know. It is awful.” Then I squeezed his hand in an effort to comfort us both.

“Piper?” Detective Pepper pinned me with an expectant look.

I shrugged.

“She’s already told you that she doesn’t remember that night,” Mr. Roth cut in.

Detective Pepper nodded to my attorney and then faced me again. “We went through your text messages from that night. You had several from Jackson.”

My pulse quickened, and I sat up straighter.

The detective peered down at the pad of paper in his hand. “You had a few texts from him within an hour of his death. The first one said ‘I’m sorry.’ Your response was ‘It’s okay.’ The second one said ‘I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me.’ To which you said ‘I already do.’” He looked at me. “Any idea what those texts were about?”

I nodded, wringing my hands in my lap. My gaze jumped to my attorney, but I knew I couldn’t get out of this one. “He admitted to kissing his ex-girlfriend, Tanya.”

“That must have made you angry.”

I laughed bitterly at the detective’s dumb statement. “Yeah, so angry I killed him? Is that really what you expect me to say? C’mon, give me a little credit here.”

“Piper,” My attorney admonished me. His face was red when he turned to the detective. “She’s just being a sarcastic teenager. That wasn’t a confession.”

“Did you two have an argument that night?” Detective Pepper asked.

“Yes. We argued, but it wasn’t that bad. I mean, yeah, I was angry but not enough to hurt him. Mostly I was sad. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be.”

“His last text to you said ‘Find me in the stars.’ After that our records show that you called him several times. I’m assuming that’s when you met him at Blossom Mountain. Is that correct?”

Find me in the stars?
Why would he say that? It could only mean one thing. My mouth went dry as hot and cold flashes ran up and down my spine. The whole room seemed to spin around me as the truth came crashing down. The memories came flooding back like an avalanche I couldn’t control.

I remembered how Jackson died. And it was even worse than I had imagined.

“Did you see Jackson the night he was killed?” The detective asked.

I glanced over at Mom. Her expression was so open, so trusting. God, she would die if she found out what her son was really like. I clasped and unclasped my hands in my lap. There was no way I could tell him the truth. As much as I hated to lie, I didn’t have a choice. Besides, Zach would kill me if I told them about that night, and I was more scared of Zach than of the police at this point.

“No, I didn’t.”

The detective narrowed his eyes.  “Really? Because we have a witness who saw you with him that night.”

My stomach plummeted.
Shit.
How was I going to get out of this?
Moisture gathered on my palms, and I wiped them on the thigh of my jeans. Mom’s eyebrows raised, her lips pursed. The detective sat forward, his eyes searing into mine.

I took a deep breath, and then decided to play dumb.  “Oh, yeah, I guess I did see him. I had forgotten because it was earlier in the evening.”

The detective appeared unimpressed. “What time exactly?”

“Um…” I scratched my head, feeling Mom’s eyes boring a hole in my face. But I didn’t dare turn my head. I didn’t think I could handle the disappointment that I knew was written on her features. “I don’t remember.”

But I did remember. I remembered it all too well.

I was over at Zach’s. We had just finished off an entire pepperoni pizza. My stomach was swollen and full. I knew I needed to go home soon, but I had no desire to do so. Lately I felt like Mom sensed something was off with me. She’d heard about Shane’s death, and she was obsessed with watching me for signs that I might want to off myself too. That’s how Mom got. She read articles and watched those talk shows incessantly. Then she listened to the advice in them like it was gospel. Only I didn’t want to talk to Mom about Shane. It was the last thing I wanted to talk about with anyone. In fact, I wished we could all just forget about it, sweep it under the rug and never mention it again. Then maybe the guilt would subside, instead of eating me alive.

But when Jackson showed up, I cursed myself for not leaving sooner. Zach’s family was home, so we went out to the front yard to talk with Jackson. It was clear by his erratic mannerisms and the distraught look on his face that something was wrong. We headed outside into the cold night air.

Jackson paced on the front lawn, his hands trembling. He was rambling about how he’d just broken things off with Piper, and how everything was ruined.

“Man, calm down,” Zach stopped him, touching his shoulder. “What’s going on? You on drugs or something, dude?”

“No.” Jackson shook his hand off. “I’m not on drugs. I’m upset.”

“I can see that,” Zach said, his voice softening a little. “Is this about that chick? Because seriously, man, you can do better.”

Jackson lunged for him, striking him in the jaw. “Shut up, man.”

Zach reeled back, holding his chin. “What the hell?”

I jumped between them. “Okay, okay. Stop. Zach’s mom and dad are right inside.”

Both of them nodded, calming a little. A car drove past, painting yellow light on the asphalt in front of it. The light flickered over our faces.

Zach held up his hands. “Sorry for what I said about Piper, okay? I’m just trying to figure out why you’re so freaked.”

“And I’m trying to figure out why you’re not freaked,” Jackson retorted.

“Huh?” Zach scrunched his forehead in confusion.

“You killed him, Zach. Both of you did.”

My face drained of color, dread sinking into my gut. He was talking about Shane. And he was right. We had killed him.

But Zach got angry. “Shut up. We didn’t kill anyone. You’re crazy.”

“I know what you did to Shane. You bullied him until he cracked,” Jackson said.

“That chick has seriously caused you to lose your damn mind. Shane’s issues had nothing to do with me,” Zach responded, his voice hard.

“You don’t feel bad about what you did at all?” Jackson’s eyes pleaded with Zach. It’s like he needed him to confess.

“There’s nothing to feel bad for. I did nothing wrong.” Zach crossed his arms over his chest.

Jackson let out a sickened sigh. “I never should have told you the truth about him. I should’ve known better.” Shaking his head, he looked at me. For a minute he stared at me, as if he expected me to respond. But I didn’t know what to say, so I lowered my head, staring hard at my feet. Shoulders slumping, Jackson turned away from us. Then he walked away without another word.

Zach appeared satisfied, but I knew it wasn’t over. Jackson wasn’t going to let this go that easily.