Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (4 page)

Some talk about a ticking clock, others about our obligation to procreate, some invoke gods or societies survival to promote procreation among couples within them.

And yes, in a way, we need to procreate if the human species is to survive. Yet, at the same time, human populations grow at rates that aren't healthy for the species or the planet. One way to curb people's enthusiasm for having kids is to allow contraceptives like condoms or the pill. That, however, often meets the resistance of religious groups. On the other hand, there is a very strong correlation between wealth (or economic well-being / security at least) and the number of children parents have. The more economically unstable a family, the more kids they'll have, oddly (one would assume the opposite). But children are often seen as retirement funds and thus there is a need to make enough male heirs to ensure that one will be taken care of in old age.

At some point in our evolutionary process, we adopted sexual reproduction to make sure our gene pool varied enough. It must've been at that point that the male split from the female. That is the only reason males are needed, to spread the Y-chromosome wide enough. Otherwise, the male half of the human population is of little use, sadly, because we are the cause of most trouble on the planet from exploitation to wars. You could say that to go for sexual procreation was the worst choice humanity ever made (not that we had much of a choice…)

So here we are, men and women, fucking all over, spreading our genes far and wide, to make sure the human population stays healthy. Monogamy is a cultural thing which genetically makes absolutely no sense… I hope it goes away again as quickly as it “came” after WWII.

Today we are in this odd situation where we have women giving birth to children they don't want or can't care for, particularly in countries where abortion is illegal while at the same time, couples all over the planet suffer from involuntary childlessness. This is not only a “gay plight” but something that affects straight couples as well, along with singles who haven't been able to find a partner to share their lives with (which becomes more and more difficult in today's day and age).

To be childless is a tremendous burden to carry. Would-be grandparents keep nagging you, all around you, friends, co-workers and people from your age cohort become parents while you keep struggling for whatever reason. Politicians, religious zealots and others keep reminding you that you aren't contributing to the survival of society, and you pay extra taxes and suffer the condemnation of your religious elders (if you are part of a faith).

Over the years, politics and medicine have developed ways to help childless couples, either through adoption (the oldest method), foster care, IVF and now there is new hope for parents-wannabes: womb-transplants!

The Swedish government just approved further research on this method although it is highly disputed ethically. Then there is the final method available if you really want a child that is yours genetically: surrogacy.

Oddly, in the public debate, you find communists and religious zealots on the same side of the debate against the rest of the political spectrum, be it for different reasons. While the religious find it odd because of their belief that a child should only be born to parents who actually had intercourse to produce it, although those very same religions don't condone sex per se or at least see it as something foul and ugly, the communists see surrogacy as the ultimate abuse of women.

As Alex and I have chosen surrogacy as our final and last way to ever become parents (having unsuccessfully tried all other options before), I have a lot of sympathy for the commie standpoint. Yet at the same time, surrogacy is also an amazing gift from a woman to a couple (or single parent) who otherwise would be unable to become parents.

Yes, there are health risks, but those are probably investigated more vigorously than for any other mother-to-be on the planet.

Yes, there is the risk of abuse, but by making sure you opt for the procedure in a country where surrogacy is legally regulated, and by choosing a serious agency, you can minimize, if not completely eliminate, that risk.

Some argue that you pay a woman to carry your child and that argument is completely valid. Yet there is a huge difference from prostitution or trafficking, because the women do this voluntarily, are being tested and evaluated by psychologists, the IVF is done in clinics, and the women get the best possible health care. While you may not pay for the service per se, you as a parent are in charge of providing for their loss of income, health care, etc.

Yes, these women make an enormous sacrifice to carry someone else's child, yet the health impact is far less than working in a mine or certain factories, yet you don't see the commies or the religious groups opposed to that. After all, pregnancy is a normal process for the female body. So why the difference? Well, I can only guess it has to do with the supremacy of men and that their choices are not to be questioned, whereas a woman's choice to become pregnant on behalf of someone else must be interpreted as a sign that she is under “duress” (i.e. not doing this by her own free will). I see so many similarities to other parts of society. For example, for Swedish carpenters, a 50% tax reduction is never questioned (male domain) whereas the same tax reduction for cleaning services are constantly questioned. Oddly, it is the so called “feminists” who protest most loudly, thus upholding male supremacy just a little longer.

If I were a communist and ended up on the same side of the argument with the religious right, I'd stop in my tracks and find out what I was doing…

Alex and I haven't met our surrogate yet, so we don't know who the amazing woman is who will provide us with a child and our parents with a grandchild, but I can already guarantee you, that in my book, she'll be the biggest hero ever, and that I'll forever hold her in the highest regard for the gift she gives us. A debt we'll never be able to repay…

Dear child!

Ever had a day when you feel like you SHOULD buy a lottery ticket?

Well, today certainly qualifies…

Yesterday, we got the results of our sperm tests and they are okay! *yeah*

Today, my doctor provided me with the result of my blood work and everything checks out! *yeah*

So I've sent in the application documentation (with all the copies of a gazillion documents they need) and now I wait… EXCITING!

I guess you have no idea what I felt like when I sat in my investor's meeting today and all of a sudden saw the e-mail from my physician telling me that all things looked okay, that all blood tests had come back negative (basically meaning I'm healthy)

It's not that you don't expect it, because, at my age you do have a “hum” of what your body feels like when sick, but it was still a relief. This isn't ME deciding whether I'm fit for fight, but the people at the clinic in Mumbai (who by the way have been outstanding in their support so far).

So hopefully, over the coming days, your dad and I will be able to “pick” the other half of your DNA from a catalogue (not something I really look forward to, because it feels odd) and then I guess we even get to choose a surrogate. I'm not quite up to speed on that yet.

Once that is done, the clinic will need to synchronize the cycles of the two ladies so that ovulation and the right time to implant the fertilized egg into the surrogate happens at just the right moment. For now, I'm just exhilarated and happy…

Today is a good day for a headache… While yesterday was a good day, today it is just after lunch and I'm already suffering from a bad headache. I've sent in all the paperwork (or so I thought) to the surrogacy agency yesterday. This morning, I contacted them to find out how long it would take to process the papers and get access to the database to select the egg donor and surrogate, not to mention some other questions we have.

Then it started, there was a whole flood of e-mails back and forth and we had to resend some of the documents because they were bad or missing. The problem with cross-cultural things like this is part terminology, part vocabulary.

The word family to me means something completely different than what it does in India (or what I perceive it does in India). For instance, the agency wanted us to send photos of us and our family to them (for what I don't know) as well as our house. We had no clue why. But alas, I did.

Then, there are things they asked for which I have no idea what they were talking about. E.g. Income statement.  Say again? Every country has its own rules and regulations and to me, an income statement means nothing. I hope they'll accept our latest tax statements. Being self-employed, you usually don't have anyone who can provide you with an income statement.

But what really bothers me with all these requirements is the “why” of it. Allow me to exemplify:

As a gay couple, we cannot become parents as a couple. I have to do so as a single parent, yet they still want my husband's blood work. I have no idea why. After all, I just told them I am healthy like a horse, and it's my sperm they want, so why do they need Alex's blood work? This might just have cost us another three weeks… I pray not.

I also don't really understand why they need to know how much we are worth. Because even if they are worried about us being able to pay for the treatment, an income statement is no guarantee of payment. Credit card payment up front OR a bank draft would provide better security and a lot less intrusion into the customer's privacy. Because how much fun is it to e-mail my bank and tax statements halfway across the world to pretty much complete strangers?

This whole process is extremely taxing emotionally while trying to maintain our everyday routine and running a business. And if you don't understand why you're asked to go through certain motions, it makes things even worse.

In hindsight, I'm sure we'll look back upon this and smile, but right now I'm quite frustrated, hurt and I have a terrible headache and no more answers than I had yesterday. To top it all off, the manager is traveling and won't be back for another week. Great.

Patience is only a virtue for those who have nothing left to live for!

Dear Child!

TGIF!

My favorite acronym of all times. Almost there, but not quite. I still have to (have to? No, I want to!) get this blog post under my belt before I close off my laptop for the night…

You know, one of the things I find most distressing about our process to become parents is the emotional roller coaster we're on. Please bear with me as I try to explain the not-always-simple emotional impact of things.

First of all, a lot of the distress comes from the frustration of not being able to become a parent the “natural” way. It's frustrating to see how many moms and dads are out there who “oops” became parents, compliments of that extra drink or the 'pill' slipped into that glass or being too horny for their own good. I am envious and jealous of them for that brief four seconds they say it takes for a man to shoot his load up towards the waiting eggs…

As a gay man, married to a wonderful man (your dad to be), we have always been ostracized with people telling us that being gay is a choice. Yeah right, walk in my shoes for 40 years and we'll have that discussion again… Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change myself for any money in the world, but I certainly never would've chosen to be a pariah voluntarily. That all I have to do is to find the “right girl” (this one is good, makes me smile). Society still doesn't accept our wish to become parents as something as natural as the next guy's or gal's. Sure, we don't get persecuted in Sweden any longer, we even get to marry (and pay the same taxes, do military service, etc), which costs society zilch, but society will not pay for our IVF treatments and surrogacy is illegal here.

So, by choosing this road, we are pariahs. The evangelicals are booing because we are in violation with the laws of god, which they conveniently rewrite for every party gathering. The left is angry because we are exploiting women.

So here we've just plunged into an emotional depth, and now we're feeling very low. Then we decide to try to become foster parents, because after all, adoption, while legally possible, is literally impossible because a. Sweden doesn't do more than a handful of domestic adoptions per year under the credo that children should be brought up by their bio-parents under almost all circumstances and b. the large donor countries refuse adopting to gay couples and so the local agencies don't dare to even talk to us, afraid to lose their supply of kids to the str8 couples as well…

Your dad and I embarked on a two-year journey with psychological evaluations, home visits, interviews (the kind where they ask the same questions over and over and over, every single time you see them), references and training. We got done just before Christmas. About three months later came the phone call: we have a child! And all the happiness (can you feel us being pulled up again?) that ensued, looking forward to helping this sexually abused boy who would need so much love and understanding and nourishment and care. We had his name, his bio and it felt as if he were ours until the mother learned about the faggots and refused.

Down we go again. In hindsight, realization that homophobia is still alive and well, and that social workers don't give a rat's ass about fighting for our rights, and although we were chosen as the best possible couple to look after him, they just gave up and gave in. No worries, right?