Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (6 page)

But the social workers don't care. God forbid they'd have to actually do their job and 'fight' a little, convince those parents this would be best for their son and that they really don't have a choice but to get their act together and cooperate. No. They took the easy way out, destroying a boy's life, wreaking havoc with our emotions, our finances, my company, and our lives. But who gives a fucking shit, eh? We're only gays.

When I see those same social workers, and their employers, marching in the Rainbow parade, I'm sickened. I am sickened by people easing their conscience by walking in a parade where they have no place. It's not just the social workers, it's every politician, manager or what have you, who once a year is “commanded” by their superiors to show color, yet who continue to discriminate the other 364 days of the year, and in their hearts, even on this day.

Alex and I are lucky. Thanks to an unexpected gift from my parents last Christmas, we can “buy” ourselves a last chance at children through surrogacy. While infertile straight couples get all the help on earth, free of charge, by the state, we have to pay for it. I don't care. I'll gladly pay, but there is so much rage inside me when I think of all the men and women who will never become parents because they cannot afford it. We have done everything to be good citizens of our society, yet we have been screwed by that very society every step of the way. You have no idea how deeply rooted homophobia still is in Swedish society. While it looks all happy and cheerful on the surface, underneath it, people are still stuck to their fears, just as they are still afraid of “gypsies,” “niggers,” and “jews,” and that hurts like hell.

Ever since I had to leave this boy behind in an orphanage in Romania,

I have felt strongly for kids who fared badly in their early lives. That visit has impacted more strongly on me than anything else in my life.

Dear child,

It's been a while since I wrote about our progress here. There are good reasons, as the “worst” is behind us, at least in terms of administration to get things underway.

Yet, there were a few things this week that might make for interesting reading and I really want to make sure to keep this record for you, but also for others who go through the same process…

Earlier this week, the head of the clinic contacted me about my blood work, saying he hadn't received it. So I did resend it. I ended up re-sending it twice before we realized that the paperwork I received from my doctor here was completely different than what they had given Alex. This led to an e-mail being sent with questions from India to my physician, with replies I never saw… At least things were cleared up.

Two days ago, we went back into the catalogue to pick the surrogate mother. This has to be done at precisely the right moment to make sure she is 'ready' for her cycle at the time the embryos need to be implanted.

Your father and I decided to go for an experienced surrogate, one who has already gone through the process. I'm no expert in terms of pre-natal care, but I do know this: we learn from the moment we are conceived. Therefore, we want to make sure you have the best care even during those nine important months prior to making a public appearance.

The clinic obviously cares about the surrogate's overall health, nutrition, etc. They make sure she doesn't do drugs, smoke or drink while you are in her womb. But that is only the beginning. We know today that small babies are heavily influenced by their mother's psychological well-being during pregnancy, how calm she is, how communicative she is, etc. Therefore, having an experienced surrogate hopefully increases the chance of less stress (as she knows the process) and a more relaxed approach to the nine months. Hopefully, all in an effort to provide you with the best possible start.

Later in the week, we suffered from a setback. I received an e-mail from the clinic stating that your mother had exams during the week she was to donate the eggs and we've now postponed the procedure by a couple of weeks. After talking to the clinic, that means there is no difference in chance to conceive, even if I fly to Mumbai as planned early in July and they do the IVF treatment based on frozen sperm. Oh well… What do I know?

Your great grandmother was born 1913.

Will you be born 100 years after her?

Looks like the likelihood increases that you'll be born in May 2013, which is exactly 100 years after your great grandmother, the gypsy. Given your common ties to India, this may just be a coincidence, but a nice one!

With this delay, our choice of surrogate falls by the wayside and we have to do it again in ten days, while in the USA. Given that other “intended parents” (the clinic's name for the likes of your father and me) also need to choose surrogates, we may very well end up losing our choice to someone who needs to decide earlier. On the other hand, other surrogates may become available… Who knows what will happen?

You know, I've stopped questioning and attempting to control/fight the process. I think it's much more smooth if we just continue to do as we're told and save our energy for other things, more important things…

Finally, we also (looks like it's been a busy week after all) received the financial breakdown for the entire process. To become parents, the cost of the clinic will be approximately 40K USD for us (add travel cost to that). That is for one IVF attempt. If it fails, the cost will increase for further attempts. This is, of course, a lot less expensive than similar treatments in places like the US where we'd have to spend upwards of $200K for the same treatment.

As I wrote earlier this week, it's only recently, through a gift from your grandparents, that we are even able to do this. There are a few things that make me wonder about the state of the world.

We've already discussed this whole notion of putting more children into the world. We would have accepted you and loved you no matter whether you had any of our DNA or not. To your dad and I, DNA is inconsequential. But given that a biological child is the only way to 'beat' the homophobic Swedish system, that's what we’ll do. But it saddens me that so many other gay couples are denied this chance simply because they don't have the money. It also saddens me to look at the price of the eggs:

- Indian woman: cheap

- Indian woman with education: more expensive

- Ukrainian woman: even more expensive

Or, if you want to put it in other terms: white is more “valuable” than brown/black. This is still a sad state our world is in. The uneducated (likely?) white egg donor from the Ukraine is worth three times more than her sister from India. I also wonder about the fact that an education more than doubles the cost. Is an education a genetic factor? Will children from an educated mother be smarter than kids of an uneducated mother? Or is it a social factor? Is the reason why some women are educated because their families are 'stupider' and thus less successful and thus unable to succeed in life or provide their children with an education? That is certainly an argument that could be pursued… Or is it simply a case of bad luck?

Years ago, there was a huge argument that Africans were less intelligent than Europeans. Accusations of racism completely drowned the points made in the research. Fact is that many Africans (and thus the entire population of Africa) ARE less intelligent than the average European, measured in terms of IQ. But this is not a question of DNA or that black people by design are less intelligent, as some people would have you believe. NO, it's simply a matter of nutrition. We know today that malnutrition of unborn children is one of the prime reasons why these people are less intelligent. They struggle more through life than children whose mothers were well fed during their pregnancies! This is a very vicious cycle and probably the most important one for us to break if we're to improve the lives of humans over all.

This is also one of the reasons why your dad and I support that
school in India
 with daily lunches for the kids.

It saddens me to see that our society values some people more than others. When we chose the attributes of your mother, heritage was a factor, but not because we wanted “white,” but because we wanted a certain look, a certain height. It's almost impossible to do that from a catalogue. Normally, when moms and dads meet, there is attraction, physical attraction that plays a role, along with pheromones in a process we don't yet fully understand, but physical appearance does play a role. However, we are also influenced by the social circles in which we meet. Many cultures only condone meeting someone from our own “group,” and we typically meet our mates in a relatively nearby radius, a physical necessity.

For your dad and I, that was impossible. Instead, we had to try and be as smart about choosing the physical attributes to give you the best possible start in life based on a photo (partially covered for the protection of the donor) and a few lines of text describing her personality. An impossible task really, but a necessary one. But placing a monetary value on a mother based on the color of her skin would never enter our mind. We, therefore, chose an Indian donor. This was not an economic decision. But we chose a beautiful (to our gay eyes) donor, who is living a good life, with a good education (bonus) and an open, outgoing personality.

That’s where we are at this stage. In ten days, we'll have to make a choice (again) of surrogate and then I'm ready to fly to India to do my part for your physical creation. The only obstacle right now is my visa, which still hasn't been processed (or at least I haven't received my passport back). That's my biggest worry right now, because I'll need my passport back before we leave for the US and our well-deserved vacation! :)

It feels weird, on more than one level…

Yesterday, we came back from San Francisco and today, 16 hours later, I boarded the next flight. Oddly, the same crew that flew us home from Frankfurt, flew me back to Frankfurt where I'm now sitting in the lounge, overlooking one of Europe's busiest airports, waiting for my connection to Mumbai.

It's a safe bet to say that I'm nervous. Heck, I even had to take a couple aspirins on the flight here, and that’s not only because I slept miserably last night. There are so many things rushing through my mind.

Every child I see reminds me of the journey we're undertaking. Every time a child cries, I wonder if “ours” will react the same way, if it's what they do or if it’s just bad parenting.

Children screaming on flights make me wonder if we'll ever be able to fly again the way we do today or if we have to resign ourselves back to the miserable masses flying coach. LOL

Plenty of doubt. Am I too old? Are we doing the right thing? Should we give foster care another chance instead? They just sent us a note saying that 'someone' will be working if we wanted to talk during their summer vacation… I wonder what I'd want to talk to them about? Betrayal maybe? Homophobia?

Naturally, I'm also nervous about the process itself. Flying halfway across the world to undertake this wondrous journey that normally takes place in the seconds that bind him and her together over a dinner table, under a shower, behind a bar desk or in bed. That process that will be so sterile and involve not only me but also two women and a truck load of doctors, nurses and laboratory staff, not to mention legal and financial staff. There’s even a driver to take me from my hotel to the clinic and the agency. It's an odd feeling, creating the wonder of a child this way.

Will it work? Will we be successful the first time around or do we have to attempt this more than once? Will we become parents of one or two kids? Boys? Girls? Maybe one of each? Will we be able to cope with the nightly feeding rituals or will our relationship suffer over the fighting of who has to get up and feed? Or will we find a solution that makes our bond even stronger?