Dance (21 page)

Jared
walked to his dressing room straight after the final curtain call, ignoring
anyone who tried to talk to him. He’d just closed the door behind him when
there was a firm knock. Jared didn't bother replying. He knew that knock and he
also knew that no matter what he said, Adam would still walk in.

“We’re
going away tomorrow,” Adam stated as he flopped on the sofa next to Jared.

“Excuse
me?” Jared looked at him incredulously.

“You
heard me.
You and me.
Away.”

“Where
the hell would we go? Why?”

“We’ll
go to my house in Margate,” Adam said without missing a beat. This wasn't a
spur of the moment decision. Apparently he’d thought about it beforehand, which
surprised Jared. Adam's grandparents had left him the house in Margate but he
hardly ever went there. Jared wasn't even sure it was habitable. “As for why...
Do I really need to answer that?”

“Adam...
I appreciate what you’re trying to do. I really do. But it’s not necessary. I’m
fine...”

“You’re
so far away from ‘fine’ that you don’t even remember how to spell it!” Adam
snapped. “We’re going. I wasn’t asking you. I was telling you so that you can
pack a bag. I’ll be at your place at 8:00 am tomorrow and I’ll drag your ass if
I have to,” Adam said, his eyes flashing dangerously. Jared knew that face, and
he knew not to argue. Adam would definitely drag him out of his flat kicking
and screaming, Jared had no doubt about that.

Jared
nodded and Adam stood up, heading for the door. Pausing with his hand on the
knob, he turned his head slightly and said,

“It’s
not just for you, you know. It’s for me too. I haven’t been doing so good
myself, ever since Charlie left. I need to get away from everything for a while.
I need my best friend.” Without waiting for a reply, Adam pulled the door open
and walked out.

God,
Jared was such a useless, selfish motherfucker. He knew Charlie had left for L.A.
when his band got offered a record deal about a month ago. Jared wasn’t sure
what their relationship had been like
–
 
for
the past year all he’d been
thinking about was himself. But he knew Adam cared for Charlie even if Charlie
hadn't fully returned the sentiment. Just because Adam hadn’t fallen apart like
Jared didn't mean he wasn't feeling like shit, too.

Adam's house
was a two-bedroom bungalow overlooking the English Channel. It was in much
better shape than Jared had anticipated. Adam had probably paid someone to fix
it up, clean, and stock up the fridge so that they wouldn’t have to do any of
those things.

They
unpacked and started on dinner, neither of them speaking much. It wasn’t
uncomfortable at all, though. It was probably the first time in a year that
Jared felt somehow normal.
Peaceful.

They
ate, drank a couple of beers, and decided to take a walk on the beach. It was a
beautiful evening, a bit windy and chilly, but they put their
hoodies
on to keep warm. The sky was several shades of
orange as the sun started to set.

“What
happened with Charlie?” Jared asked, stealing a look at his friend. Adam's jaw
muscles clenched and it took a while before he answered.

“He
left,” was all he said.

“I
know that. I mean the whole story. I know I haven’t been much of a friend
lately, and I’m sorry, Adam. I’d like to take a step towards changing that.”

Adam
looked at him sharply, as if to argue, to blame, to deny. But he didn't. What
he saw in Jared’s eyes must have changed his mind, and he sighed loudly before
he spoke.

“You
were the only person I’d ever had any feelings for, before Charlie. And I was
so confused at first, because what I felt for him was so different from what I
used to feel for you. How can both those feelings be love if they were so
different? So I convinced myself I wasn't in love with him. I cared for him and
I loved his body. Sex with Charlie was something I’ve never experienced before,
even with you.”

Adam
paused and Jared didn't push him to continue. He’d already shared so much.
Jared wasn't even sure Adam had ever shared this much with anyone, even him. He
was not the kind of person to dwell on things, or talk about his feelings. Adam
lived in the moment – if he wanted something, he took it; if he felt something,
he said it loud and clear.

“In
time, something changed. I started caring if he called or stopped by, if he was
alright, if he was happy. I knew I was falling in love, but I could also see he
wasn’t. He was affectionate and attentive, and must have cared for me on some
level, but he was not in love with me. Anyway, long story short, his band got
offered a record deal and he moved to L.A.”

“I’m
sorry,” Jared said quietly, lacing his fingers with Adam’s.

“It’s
OK. I’m happy for him,” Adam said with a shrug, not letting go of Jared’s hand.
“I just... I don't know how many more chances I’m going to get, Jared. First
you,
and now Charlie...”

Jared
tried not to show his surprise at Adam's words. He’d always thought Adam was
alone because that’s how he wanted it. He liked his freedom. Was he waiting for
the right person all this time? Hoping?

“You’ll
get as many chances as you need. It’ll be OK,” Jared said, squeezing Adam's
hand.

“Yeah, right.
Looks
who’s talking,” Adam said with a huff. “You’ve turned
into a zombie over the last year, and now you’re suddenly Mr Positivity.”

“It’s
different,” Jared said, stiffening.

“How
is it different? You’ve lost all hope, Jared.”

Jared
didn't reply. He
had
lost all hope.
He knew there would be no one else for him but Fenix. He knew that he had
nothing left to give to anyone else because he loved Fenix with everything he
was.

“I
don’t want to talk about this. Please,” Jared whispered.

Adam
didn't push him. They walked in silence for a while. Jared stared at the water
which looked black now that the sun had set.
Black and angry.
It roared, fought and moved dangerously.

Jared
wondered if the blackness in the bottom of the sea was much different than the
blackness at the bottom of his soul.
 

After the walk,
sprawled on the big L-shaped sofa that took up most of the living room, they
watched a DVD called ‘Free Fall’ that Adam had brought among a dozen others. He
didn’t have Sky installed in the house, and the
Freeview
channels sucked, so DVDs were their only option of evening entertainment. At
first Jared grumbled that it was a German film and he had to read subtitles,
but he grew to like it. It was quite sexy and Jared found he got a hard on
before the first half hour was over.

Jared
hadn't been with anyone since Fenix. He rarely got an erection anymore, and if
he did, he took care of it hastily, not looking for pleasure but wanting to get
rid of the uncomfortable situation. The reason Jared hadn’t even thought of
being with anyone, not even a one night stand, was that he couldn't bear the
thought of a stranger touching him. After the closeness he and Fenix had
shared, Jared felt vulnerable.
Exposed.
He didn't want
someone he didn't even know seeing that part of him.

Jared
stole a look at Adam and noticed his friend’s visible erection under his sweat
pants. A need to be touched, held, kissed overwhelmed Jared. Adam was no
stranger. Adam was the person who knew everything about him. Adam was safe.

Jared
scooted closer to Adam on the sofa, wrapping an arm around his waist and
resting his head on Adam's chest. If Adam was surprised, he didn’t show it.
Instead, he draped his arm around Jared’s shoulders and pulled him even closer.

The
film became particularly heated at one point, and Jared could not resist
flexing his hips towards Adam's thigh to release some of the pressure of his
cock. The movie and Adam's warm, familiar body turned him on so much that he
craved an intimate touch.

“What
are you doing?” Adam rasped. Jared turned his head to look at him and saw
desire written all over it. Adam's hooded black eyes were intense and focused
on him.

“I’m
humping your thigh,” Jared said, giving Adam an option to turn all this into a
joke.

“Why?”
Adam
asked,
his voice low and husky, the word barely
more than a growl. No, he didn't turn it into a joke. He wanted Jared just as
much as Jared wanted him.

“Because
I have a massive hard on,” Jared replied. Propping his body on his elbow, he lifted
off Adam and leaned so close to his face that he could feel Adam’s breath on
his lips. Adam didn't pull away. Jared swallowed difficultly before saying,
“And I want you to fuck me.”

Jared
pressed his lips to Adam's, praying that he wouldn't push him away. Adam did
exactly the opposite. He opened his mouth immediately, letting Jared in. Jared
explored Adam's mouth with his tongue, nipping at his lips, sucking on them,
until kissing was no longer enough. Adam dragged his body fully on top of him,
enveloping him in his arms. He pulled Jared’s t-shirt off and dropped it on the
floor, closely followed by his own. Adam's hands roamed Jared’s body, touching,
caressing, squeezing, as if he knew exactly what Jared needed.

They
kissed and touched for what seemed like hours, bringing each other so close to
the end so many times, but always pulling back, not wanting it to end yet.
Jared lost himself in the sensation of another human being touching him, of
Adam
, his closest friend, touching him,
and for the first time in twelve months, he felt real, undiluted pleasure
building inside him.

Their
clothes were gone a long time ago and they thrust and ground against each
other, both lost in the sensation of skin against skin, lips against lips,
tongue sliding over tongue.
 

Adam
pushed off Jared suddenly and Jared cried out at the loss of his warm, heavy
body on top of him.

“Don’t
move,” Adam said and disappeared. He came back a moment later, his cock already
sheathed in a condom. He poured lube on it liberally and positioned himself
between Jared’s thighs.

“How long?”
Adam asked
breathlessly.

Jared
just shook his head and his vision blurred. He blinked a few times to clear the
tears away – he’d be damned if he cried during sex like a virgin!

Adam
seemed to understand what that meant because he withdrew slightly and carefully
prepared Jared with his fingers, slicking his hole generously, stretching and
probing until he was satisfied it was enough. It still hurt when he pushed
inside, but Jared breathed through it, and the pain passed quickly, leaving
only pleasure behind.

Neither
of them lasted long. They were both so turned on by now that a few thrusts of
Adam's hips and a few strokes on Jared’s shaft and they were both coming. For
several blissful seconds, Jared lost himself in the sensation. His mind was
completely blank and he relished the feeling.

Later that
night, Jared lay almost on top of Adam in his bed. He didn't want to be alone
after this and neither did Adam. Silently, they had walked to Adam's room and
gone into his bed together, curling against each other, limbs entwining and
breaths synchronizing. Jared knew Adam wasn't asleep, even though his breathing
was slow and even.

“I
know you’re not in love with me anymore,” Jared said against Adam's skin. Adam
hummed questioningly. “I’d never have allowed this to happen if I had even the
slightest suspicion you still had feelings for me. What you told me about
Charlie... I thought about it. I think you were in love with him, but you never
were with me. You cared for me, still do, and you wouldn't mind having me in
your bed, but you’re not in love.” Jared turned to meet Adam's eyes. “I know
this doesn’t mean anything. I’m not stupid. We’re not getting back together...
We’re just...” Jared
struggled
finding words to
explain the situation.

“We’re
alone together,” Adam suggested.

“Did
you just quote Fall
Out
Boy on me?”

“Sometimes
quoting your favourite bands is the only way to get through to you,” Adam said
and smiled widely.

Jared
laughed and it felt like a foreign feeling. He couldn't remember the last time
he’d laughed in the past year.

“I
haven’t been with anyone since Fenix,” Jared said quietly after a while. “I
didn’t even want to. But it’s different with you. I...” Jared paused and tried
to swallow the giant lump in his throat. Adam's arms tightened around him.

“I
know, Jared,” he said. “I’m under no illusion we’re ever going work as a
couple. But right now I need you just as much as you need me,” Adam said,
summarising exactly how Jared felt in a single sentence. He buried his fingers
in Jared’s hair and massaged his scalp until Jared relaxed again.

They
didn't speak after that. Jared thought about what Adam had said and wondered if
Fenix had someone to do this for him.
The image of Fenix
alone and sad like Jared, but with no one to take away the pain even for a
little while, was too much to bear, and Jared didn't want to think about it
anymore.