Dance (22 page)

Soon,
fatigue took over, and he fell asleep.

Chapter twenty two

Jared

The time Jared
spent with Adam in Margate helped. He felt somewhat calmer.
More...
himself.
Sadness was still wedged so deep in his heart that sometimes he
had difficulty breathing, and he was not fine, not yet. Probably never would
be. But at least desperation didn’t drive him so close to the edge that he
didn’t see any point of existing anymore.

Eight
months on and Jared could safely say he hadn't fucked up any more performances,
nor had he tried to beat someone into a pulp. He even went out with his friends
a few times – not enjoying it, but the effort it took to leave his flat still
counted.

Next
week was the anniversary of his father’s death. He always went to his grave
around that time, not on the exact date because he was afraid he might meet
someone he used to know. He was afraid he might see his mother.

Jared
hadn't spoken to her in almost nine years. She hadn't tried to get in touch
either. If the woman who gave birth to him and raised him didn’t love her child
anymore because of his choice of lovers, Jared didn't want anything to do with
her either.

It
didn't mean it didn't hurt, though.

So,
two days before the anniversary, on a crisp Monday morning, Jared headed to
Liverpool street station and caught the train to Colchester, where his mother
still lived and his father was buried. The cemetery was deserted when he
arrived two hours later. He found his father’s grave and stood next to it
awkwardly. Jared’s mother had told him his dad would have been ashamed if he
had lived to see Jared ‘turn out to be gay’. But Jared knew that wasn’t true.
Whether it was wishful thinking or the truth, he would never know.

Jared
squatted next to the tombstone and brushed his fingers over his father’s
engraved name. Just like every time he’d come here, he tried to remember some
nice things about him. As the years passed those memories were slowly fading
and Jared found he had to think harder and harder every time he came
here.
But it didn't matter. That was not why he was coming
here.

Jared
wondered what the reason was for his rare visits, but he couldn’t put a name to
it. The simple truth was that he missed his dad and he was the only parent
Jared had who hadn't rejected him, even if he was dead.

Jared
stayed for a bit longer, and then stood up to leave, patting the stone with the
palm of his hand in a silent goodbye. He turned and his eyes fell on a woman
about ten feet away.
His mother.
She stood frozen in
place, her face set in a cold mask, clutching a bouquet of colourful daisies.
Jared gasped involuntarily – he couldn't believe his mother was standing in
front of him after such a long time. She’d changed a lot – her hair had more
grey in it than black; she’d lost weight; her skin was an odd greyish colour
and she had huge bags under her eyes. Her eyes, so much like Jared’s, looked at
him with a mixture of disgust, astonishment, and anger. No child should see
that look in their mother’s eyes, ever. Jared felt like someone punched him in
the gut, torn between saying something to her and just walking away without a
word.

She
made the choice for him. Silently, she turned away as if he’d offended her
merely with his presence, and walked away.

Jared’s
encounter with his mother brought the sleepless nights back, until one day he
overheard his fellow cast members whispering that Fenix had been nominated for
a Tony. Jared didn't lash out on them. He just pretended he hadn't heard
anything but inside he was rejoicing.

Fenix
would finally get the recognition he deserved. Jared had no doubt he would win
the award.

That
night when he got home, he switched his computer and browsed through the Tony
Awards page. He hadn't
googled
Fenix since he’d left,
hadn't bought any magazines that might have a publication about him, and since
Adam had scared everyone into silence, Jared had no news about Fenix. Apart
from that photo Aiden had been waving around that almost cost him a broken jaw.

The
nomination listing stated that
Poison
has been nominated for Best Musical, and Fenix himself has been nominated for
Best Performance in a Leading Role in a Musical. That was amazing! Jared smiled
widely, mentally congratulating his... Jared stumbled to find a proper title
for Fenix. Putting an ex in front of anything would seem wrong since Fenix was
not an ex and never would be. Deciding against pondering that any longer, Jared
checked his email and read the news, before logging off and heading to the
kitchen to make dinner.

The night of
the
Tonys
, Jared came home early, prepared a quick
meal, and went to bed, setting his alarm for 3:00 am when the show would start
in New York. When his phone woke him, Jared stretched to get his laptop from
the bedside table where he’d left it, switched it on, and loaded the website
with the live stream. The show was just about to start.

Jared’s
heart beat frantically inside his chest. He was going to get a glimpse of Fenix
for the first time in almost two years. For a second he wondered if that was a
good idea, but nothing would stop him from being with Fenix, even virtually,
during his big moment.

The
show started, and a few awards were given before it was time for the big one.
Best Supporting actor and actress went first, as well as Best Director and Best
Original Score. Fenix’s category was next.

Thud.
Thud.
THUD.

Jared
could barely hear anything besides his own heartbeat. Any moment now the
cameras would zoom in on Fenix.

“And
the nominations for Best Actor in a Leading Role in a Musical are,” Leon Rolf,
a two-time Tony winner announced, and Fenix’s face filled the entire screen of
Jared’s laptop.
“Fenix Bergman for
Poison
.”

Jared
didn't hear anything after that. Fenix was on screen for no longer than five
seconds, but to Jared it seemed like hours. Time slowed as he drank in Fenix’s
features – his cheekbones were even more pronounced than he remembered, but
what made Jared take a sharp breath were his eyes. Fenix’s usually warm, calm,
playful blue eyes had grown hard and cold. They made him look older, like he
had been through a lot. Jared hadn’t allowed himself to think about what Fenix
could be going through, how he was coping with their separation, and with the
gruelling Broadway world.

Maybe
he should have. Maybe he should have made more of an effort, called to check on
him, done something, anything. But Jared had drowned in his own pain and let
Fenix down along the way.

“And
the winner is,” Leon Rolf said cheerfully, catching Jared’s attention again.
“Fenix Bergman for
Poison
.”

The
audience erupted in applause. Jared grinned. The camera followed Fenix as he
walked towards the stage to accept his award. Jared touched the screen with the
pads of his fingers, his emotions spilling out of him. He was crying a mixture
of sad and happy tears and he was entirely unashamed of it.

Fenix
shook Rolf’s hand and accepted the award. He rested his palms on the pedestal,
bowed his head as if concentrating until the applause died down. He looked up
and the camera zoomed in on his face.

Jared
could not breathe.

“I’ve
sacrificed so much for this award,” he began, his face set in an emotionless
mask. He was not smiling, and he didn't look happy or grateful. “I lie awake at
night wondering if it was all worth it.” He looked at the statuette as if it
had offended him. Fenix closed his eyes briefly before he continued. “I still
don't know. But what I do know is this:
How
can I call the lone night good, though thy sweet wishes wing its flight
?”
Jared’s heart stopped. Fenix had just quoted his favourite poem. The one
he
had quoted to
Fenix
when he asked him to move in. What did that mean? “I want to
dedicate this award to my mother, Evelyn Bergman, who deserves it much more
than me, but never got a chance to win it. I’d never be standing here if it
weren’t for my parents who are my lifeline when I feel like I’m drowning. Thank
you,” Fenix finished and walked off stage, the music signalling his exit
playing in the background.

Jared
pushed the laptop off his legs and got up. He needed to walk, to move, to
do
something. That was the most depressing
acceptance speech he’d ever heard. Why had Fenix quoted Shelley? And why hadn't
he even pretended to look cheerful for the millions of people who watched?

Something
was terribly
wrong,
Jared could feel it in his gut. It
was much worse than he imagined if Fenix couldn't summon his acting skills for
two minutes and pretend to be happy that he’d won a fucking Tony!

Jared
had to suppress the urge to jump on a plane and run to him. His whole body was
trembling with desire to be near Fenix, to tell him that everything would work
out.

To
tell him how stupid they’d been for ever letting their job come between them.

“And
now, for the award everyone’s been waiting for. The nominations for Best
Musical,” a man announced dramatically and Jared had no idea who he was. He’d
missed the introduction lost in his thoughts.

The
nominations rolled and
Poison
was the
last name to be announced, the camera zooming on the table where the cast, the
director and producers sat. Fenix was not there.

“And
the winner is,” dramatic pause, “
A Moment
Towards
the End
.”

The
audience erupted in applause again and Jared’s heart plummeted. He had hoped
Poison
would win and prove all the
critics who called it ‘a glorified rock concert’ wrong.

Jared
couldn't bother with feeling disappointed about this. His thoughts were with
Fenix. Where the hell was he? It had been at least fifteen minutes since he’d
accepted his award. He had plenty of time to go back to the table.

It
would be idiotic of Jared if he just dropped everything and flew to New York
right now. He’d sacrificed his relationship with the only man he’d ever loved
for his career and almost destroyed them both with that decision. How stupid
would it be to let all that go to waste and do it anyway? After two years? What
if Fenix didn't want him anymore? What if what Jared had seen tonight had been
a lapse in judgement, nothing more?
A momentary bad mood that
had nothing to do with them?

But his eyes....

Fenix’s
eyes had said it all. He’d been crushed and chewed raw and spit out and left to
rot by Jared’s decision, by his own choices, by the meat grinder called Broadway.

What
if it was too late?

Jared’s phone
rang loudly in the quiet room. He’d fallen asleep across the bed without even
realising it, images of Fenix haunting his dreams. His laptop lay to his right,
screen open and black. The show was over.

“Hello?”
Jared mumbled into the phone. Nobody spoke on the other end, even though Jared
could hear some background noise. He looked at the display to see it was 10:00
am and the number was withheld. “Hello?” Jared said again, more clearly.

Nothing.
Jared’s brain kicked
into gear despite the abrupt awakening. His heart lurched in his chest and he
instinctively knew who was calling.

“Fenix?”
he whispered. A strangled sound came from the other end of the line.
“Fenix!”
Jared said, his voice rising alarmingly. All blood
rushed away from his head and he felt dizzy, like he might faint or throw up or
both. It was 5:00 am in New York, what was Fenix doing calling him?

“Yeah,
it’s me,” Fenix said, his voice hoarse and small.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh
God.

A
thousand reasons for this call rushed through Jared’s mind in a second and none
of them good.

“Fenix?
Are you alright? Are
you hurt?” Jared asked, unable to hide the panic in his voice.

Fenix
made a sound that must have been a humourless laugh but came out as if he was
choking.

“I’m
OK. Just wanted to hear your voice,” he said, sniffling.

Was
he crying?

“Fenix,
talk to me. What’s wrong?” Jared asked gently, even though he clutched his
phone so tightly it dug into his fingers painfully.

“I...”
Fenix began, but huffed and paused. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry, I shouldn't
have called.”

The
line went dead.

Jared
threw the phone on the bed in anger. What was that all about? Two years without
any contact, and now Fenix had called out of nowhere?
Without
any reason?
Jared couldn't believe that. He knew if Fenix had called
after all this time, he must have had a good enough reason.

There
was something in Fenix’s voice that scared the hell out of Jared. He sounded
like he’d reached the end of his rope... But how was that possible? The man had
won a fucking Tony a few hours ago. Wasn't that his ultimate life goal, his
dream come true?