Dangerously Happy (34 page)

Instead of counting the days to my freedom from my office job, I realized the depressing reality, now, was that I was half dreading not having a place I had to be five days a week for nine or ten hours. Twice, I almost went to Jill's office to tell her I'd be willing to give them three more months, if they wanted me. But every day I put it off, knowing and not sure if I was happy or not that soon the clock would run out.

“
Can we talk?” He looked nervous. Almost sheepish. I'd never get used to him being anything but assured.

“
Of course, love. Always. About anything.” I meant it, but in that same moment I longed for a future with Dario in which every serious talk didn't provoke that sickening anxiety that our impossible, joyful togetherness wasn't in danger of shattering.

He led me to the sofa and sat me down. “I'm sorry I've been remote.”

“
It's alright. I know you're dealing with things.”

Grateful but sad smile. “I was right. The other night, at the beach.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
I fucked up.”

“
You wish you could undo what happened.”

“
It doesn't matter. I can't.”

“
No. You can't.” I tried to give him a hug, but he pulled away. He'd never done that before. My nauseating anxiety pitched up to real fear. I felt like he was slipping away from me. “Dario. You made a hard choice. Maybe not the right one. It doesn't make you a bad person. I still love you.”

Even the sad smile was gone, now. “I don't know how to ask you this.”

“
What?”

“
I need Xavi.”

I was going to be sick. I was going to cry. “Are you leaving me?”

Shock paled and warped his features. “Love, no. That's not what I meant at all.” Now he did put his arms around me, and held me tight, tight. “I love you. I love you so much. You're the best part of my life,” he whispered to me. Then he let me go. Met my eyes. “I just need to be with him for a couple hours. This new wound is festering, and I think he can lance it.”

“
Then you should be with him,” I said, even though what I wanted to say was, “Why can't I be the one? Tell me what you need, and I'll do it.” Because as desperately as I wanted to be the only one he needed, the one who could help him when he was in pain, I was painfully certain that he was right. Xavier could help him in a way I couldn't. “I can go somewhere for a while, if you want him to come here.”

“
No. I'll go to his place.”

“
Okay.”

“
I feel like I'm asking so much, especially with how things have been lately. But would you come with me?”

When Dario heard back from Xavier, we got in Dario's car and headed to Silverlake. I don't know what Dario had told him, but when we went inside, Xavier gave me a warm, lasting hug, but hardly looked at Dario. Then Xavier sat me down in an armchair, set a glass and the bottle of tequila down on the nearest table, then strode to the other side of the room, sat on the couch, and told Dario to sit down.

“
Why'd you come here?” Xavier asked in his quiet, warrior's voice.

“
Because.” Dario turned and looked at me for a moment, looking almost sick with fear. “I fucked up.”

“
Again?”

“
Yes.”

Xavier gazed down on Dario like a general disappointed in a foot soldier. “I thought you were going to be better. I thought you were going to stop being so weak.”

I took a gulp of tequila to push down my nausea.

“
I know. I'm sorry.”

“
Do you think your apology means anything to me?”

“
No.”

“
The only thing you can give me—and it isn't much—is your honesty.”

“
I'll be honest.”

“
You came here because you need to be judged. And you need to be punished.”

“
Yes.”

“
But I can't give you that unless you tell me the truth.”

“
I'll tell you the truth.”

“
How did you fuck up?”

“
I punished someone. It wasn't my place, but I followed him, caught him, punished him.”

“
Stand up.”

Dario stood. Then Xavier rose to his feet, looking down at Dario. Almost before I realized what was happening Xavier raised his huge hand and slapped Dario's face. He'd hit him open handed, but it sounded, looked like a blow, and Dario's head snapped hard to the side. I jumped to my feet. But then I froze and didn't say anything, because before we'd gone in, Dario had made me promise not to interrupt, not to interfere.

Without turning his head, just raising that same hand he'd just struck Dario with, Xavier pointed at me and said, “Sit down,” like he was issuing a command on the battlefield.

Dario looked at me, his face already flushed crimson, his eyes glimmering and red from the slap, and in a surprisingly steady voice, he said, “Sit down, Aidan.”

Was this really what he'd come for? The thing he needed? The thing Xavier could give him, and I couldn't? I sat down, heart hammering hard.

“
Who punished the man you're talking about?”

“
You did.”

“
Then how did you fuck up.”

“
I followed him. I caught him. I brought him to you.”

“
Why did you bring him to me?”

“
Because. I wanted us to punish him together.”

Xavier's massive hand rose and swiped through the air, smacking against Dario's face with a sickening clap.

“
Why did you bring him to me?” Xavier repeated.

“
Because I was too scared to do it myself.”

“
Scared he'd overpower you? Get the upper hand?”

“
No. I was scared I wouldn't go through with it by myself.”

“
So, you brought him to me. Made me the criminal. The monster.”

“
Yes.”

“
And you get to go on, the rest of your life, not knowing what he suffered. Not knowing how he sounded when he begged to be let go. Not to be hurt.”

“
Yes.”

“
And why did you have to do it at all?”

“
Because. He was hurting people.”

“
So why didn't you call the police?”

“
I was afraid they wouldn't catch him. Or if they did, I was afraid they'd let him go.”

“
Why?”

“
Because, that's how things work sometimes. Guilty people go free.”

Another sudden, brutal, sickening slap. Dario's eyes welled up, but the tears didn't fall. His red face, that one mottled cheek stayed dry.

“
Why were you afraid they'd let him go.”

“
There wasn't much evidence. There was just the syringe, and the wine. But that wouldn't prove anything about Bethany and the others.”

“
And how do you know it was him?”

“
It was him.”

“
You're sure.”

“
Yes.”

Another slap, this one so violent Dario almost lost his balance.”

“
You're sure?”

“
Someone's been doing that for months. Drugging people. It had to be him.” Dario looked at me, eyes full of fear, then he turned back to Xavier. “But I don't know. I could have been wrong.”

“
Maybe someone else hurt that girl. Do you even know what was in that syringe? Did you have it tested?”

“
No.”

“
So. Maybe it was just a little X. Something to brighten the colors a little.”

“
Maybe.”

“
So maybe you're the one who hurts people. The one who follows people to their cars, knocks them out, ties them up. Gives them to a sadist like me to play with for twenty hours.”

“
Yes. Maybe.”

A sickening warmth spilled over in my chest and tears spilled onto my cheeks. God, is that what Dario had been thinking all the days since he'd decided to go after that guy himself instead of calling 911?

“
And you think you can just go back to living your happy little life? Just forget you had me torture that man?”

“
No.”

Another slap. “Yes you do. You went home and cuddled up with your boyfriend as if you hadn't kidnapped someone and ask me to torture them for you. Isn't that what you did?”

“
Yes.”

“
So you think that's what you deserve? A happy life?”

“
No.”

I was crying so hard I had to fight to keep from sobbing out loud.

“
Do you think you deserve to be loved?”

“
No.”

“
Do you deserve to be loved by someone as good as Aidan?”

“
No.”

Xavier put out his hand. Dario hesitated—not like he didn't know what that gesture meant, but like he wasn't sure he wanted to obey it—but finally Dario reached into his pants pocket, then put something in Xavier's palm. It almost looked like he was giving change to a beggar. But he'd given him a condom.

“
Get undressed.”

I wanted to stop it. Stop Xavier from doing the next cruel thing he had in mind. But I sat there quietly and watched Dario strip himself bare. “Now get down on your hands and knees, and I'll show you what you deserve.”

I watched Xavier step around behind Dario, watched him undo his belt and fly, watched Dario shudder at the sound the buckle and zipper made. Xavier got down on his knees behind Dario, tore open the wrapper and rolled the condom onto his enormous cock while Dario waited on all fours. No lube. He took hold of the base of his erection and leaned in, and I watched Dario flinch, his already flushed face darken as Xavier let out a low growling grunt as his pelvis clapped against Dario's ass.

“
Here's where you belong. Not with your adoring boy holding you in his arms and whispering that he loves you. You belong here. On your knees. On my floor. You're just a hole for me to ream. You're just a tight ring of muscle to rub myself against until I come.”

I wasn't sure anymore that Xavier was giving Dario what he needed. It sounded more like he was angry. Jealous. Whatever he was doing, it had him randy as fuck and thankfully he came quickly, because even if he was using a lubricated condom I was terrified he might really be hurting Dario the way he was pounding him. When Xavier pulled out and stood up, Dario sort of curled in on himself in the middle of the floor. I couldn't hear anything, but his ribs were convulsing. He was crying. When Xavier walked away and left him there I got up to go to him, but Xavier intercepted me and planted his hand in the middle of my chest, stopping me. God, the feel of his huge hand, hot from his exertions punishing Dario, drove a spear of anger through me. I swung my forearm up, trying to push his hand away so I could go comfort Dario, but Xavier caught my wrist.