Dangerously Happy (31 page)

I shook my head. “When I realized that’s where you were, I was lying here kind of waiting to wallow in my jealousy, but it didn’t happen. I ended up just kind of . . . fantasizing, I guess, about what you were doing with him.”

“
What did you fantasize?”

“
I imagined you giving him head.”

“
Is that why you were hard when we came back to bed?”

“
Yes.”

“
And if I told you now that that’s what we were doing? How would you feel?” I laughed and put his hand on my lazily waking cock and he gave me an absolutely luminous smile.

“
Did you suck him?” I asked, and pushed my dick into his palm, starting to feel frisky in spite of feeling totally spent after our marathon with Xavier. But Dario took his hand from my cock, took my hand, and kissed my palm.

“
Of course not.”

“
Why say it like that?”

“
Because, we have an agreement. And you can trust me not to break it.” He sounded a little angry. Or maybe just sad.

“
I’m not saying I don’t trust you, Dario. We’d been fucking Xavier all night.”

“
Together.”

“
Oh.”

“
I don’t take what happened last night, or here in the bed this morning as consent from you to start fucking Xavi again when you’re not around.”

“
You can, if you want to,” I said, vertigo making my head swim a little, as if I were trying to get across a tightrope.

“
Why are you saying that? Because you want our relationship to be open? Because you don’t mind with Xavier in particular? Or because you think that’s what I want you to say?”

“
I don’t know.”

His sweet, patient smile. “I know, love. And that’s okay. You don’t even need to figure it out any time soon. Or maybe you do. I don’t know. Things are so, so good with us. Things like what happened with Xavi last night, that’s just confetti on the parade.”

“
Is that a gay culture reference I’m supposed to get?” I teased.

“
Are you neglecting your studies? I expect you to have the manual memorized by now.” His playful tone faded, then. “Love, I feel like you’ve crossed an ocean to be with me. Really. There were so many times, before we really fell for each other, when you could have let the idea of letting a man kiss you, letting a man touch you kill any chance of us trying to be together. But you took that huge leap—a leap that plenty of guys who don’t feel attracted to women at all never find the courage to make. It’s only because you were so brave that we’re lying here together, that I’m so fucking happy I can’t even believe it. The only cloud that I can see in our sunny blue sky is that every now and then, I get scared—really, really fucking scared—that I’m going to fuck up, and lose you. I don’t mean succumbing to some momentary temptation and cheating on you. I know myself, and I can say with perfect certainty that neither of us has to be afraid of that. I just mean . . . like Xavi showing up yesterday. I told him right away that I was seeing someone, that anything physical was off the menu for us. And he’s respectful of that. But Xavi is Xavi, and you saw how he had me all but pinned next to him on the couch when you came home. I don’t know if that’s me crossing a line or not. Same thing this morning. Even after last night, when Xavi came and got in the shower with me, I told him that we could only play when you were with us. But I didn’t make him leave. We showered together and hatched our little plan for what to do to you when we’d washed up. But I was a little worried the whole time that . . . I don’t know. You’d walk in on us and be upset. Or, worse, that you’d have imagined we were in there fucking, and that you’d be gone when we got back to the bedroom.

“
I don’t need to fuck other men. But I don’t like feeling like I’m in danger of accidentally wrecking everything. Even of accidentally hurting you. And, to be frank, even though I’m cool with not letting Xavi, for example, fuck me, or kiss me or grope me, it would bother me if I have to put a five-foot barrier around my body for you to feel safe. I’d like to be able to hug my friends. My ex-lovers. Put my arm around them once in a while. I like being a physically affectionate, loving person. It hurts, the idea of shutting down that part of myself.”

I put my arms around him and pulled him against me. God, I loved the smell of him. His hair. His skin. His slightly sweaty scent after our session with Xavier that morning.

“
I wish I were more like you,” I said. “Really, I’m envious. It must be so, so nice, not feeling all this jealousy and insecurity. But that’s not me.”

“
I know, love.”

“
I mean, that’s not me, by nature. But I’m honestly starting to feel differently.”

He drew back to look at me. “How so?”

“
Just, the longer we’re together, the more sure I feel about us, the less jealous I feel. The idea of watching Xavier fuck you makes me crazy, for example. I mean, it turns me on incredibly.”

“
Does it?” My love. So tentative.

“
And, I don’t know if it’s because we were all together, but I think I’d really be okay with it, if you wanted to go back to whatever you have with him.”

“
Don’t say that because you feel like you have to prove something to me. You don’t.”

“
I wouldn’t do that.”

“
Good. Because more than anything else, I hate the idea of either of us feeling like we have to lie. To pretend anything. I would rather never touch anyone ever again, than feel like you were faking being okay with it, or me lying about whether I’d done something or not. So promise me you’ll never fake what you’re feeling.”

“
I promise.” I kissed his soft, soft lips. “I promise,” I said again.

We were quiet for a long time, just holding each other. I think Dario even fell back to sleep for a while. Then we were cuddling, nuzzling, giving each other little kisses. We were always like that, every time we’d talked about something heavy, every time we wrestled through a thicket of thorns that cropped up in our Eden.

“
With you and Xavier, is it usually how he was with me last night?” I asked.

Dario gave me a playful smile. “You got a little taste of our dynamic, yes.”

I laughed. “A little taste?”

“
He went easy on you.”

“
Because you asked him to?”

“
Because once you told him your level of experience, he knew to go easy on you. And because I asked him to.”

“
And if he hadn’t gone easy on me? What would he have done?”

“
I don’t know. Xavi can be pretty creative.”

“
He didn’t . . .”

“
Hmmm?”

“
He didn’t really make me suck him.”

Dario just smiled.

“
You told him not to?”

“
Yes.”

I laughed. “Thank you.”

“
You’re welcome.” Impish grin.

“
And with you?”

“
You really want to know?”

“
I’m not feeling jealous. I promise.”

“
He likes to straddle me, with his knees, all his weight on my shoulders, and basically fuck my throat.”

“
And what about you?” It came out more serious, almost grave, than I’d meant it to.

“
You mean, do I like it? Xavi holding me down and fucking my face?”

I nodded.

“
It turns me on incredibly. Maybe it wouldn’t with another lover. But Xavi has this way about him, more when we’re alone than what you saw last night, because he and I fell into our dynamic very quickly, very naturally, and he’s never been cautious with me that way he was being with you last night. When we’re alone, he has this immediate, overwhelming air of absolute, unquestionable power. Not physical power. I mean his presence.”

“
Yeah,” I laughed. “Maybe he took it easy on me, but I didn’t miss that.”

“
I swear, that man can use me any way he wants, and I fucking love it.” Dario’s voice, his breathing had altered the way they always did when he was aroused.

“
But he doesn’t use restraints on you?”

“
That’s not his thing. He wants to be obeyed. He demands real submission. His will is the rope. The whip.” God, he sounded turned on. “Did I say too much?” he asked, the arousal gone from his voice.

“
No, love.” I kissed him. “It’s sexy, the way you talk about it.”

“
Honestly?” He still sounded worried.

“
Yes, love. Honestly. Especially when I hear it in your voice, the effect he has on you.” The dreamy arousal I’d seen in his eyes was gone, but he was looking at me incredibly tenderly. “I just . . .”

“
What?” Guarded.

“
I think sometimes about what we’ve talked about. About you wanting to be dominated. About you wanting me to dominate you.” His warm, patient gaze. “The thing that keeps scaring me . . .”

Caressing my face. “What, love?”

“
What if I do something that reminds you of that day in the woods?”

“
Oh.” He looked relieved. Suddenly light. Tender. Undefended. “You don’t have to be afraid about that. I promise.”

“
But I think about the way we talked to Vera. The way you talk to me, when you’ve got me bound, the way Xavier was last night, and I worry that I’ll say something like what those men might have said to you. Or, I don’t know, even just binding your wrists . . .”

He planted a few little kisses in my hair. “It will happen. Of course it will. It always does. And that’s part of it.”

“
Part of . . . what excites you?”

“
No. Not really. It’s part of why it’s so cathartic. Because each time I’m bound, controlled, had, taken, I go back there, for a second, for a minute or two, for an hour, but I’m
not
back there. Somehow instead of making that day feel closer, more dangerous, it makes it feel farther away. Remote. Almost like a dream. Something that didn’t really happen. Not that I pretend it didn’t happen. It’s not about denial, about repressing this painful memory. Just, it helps me see that what happened doesn’t really have much to do with me, with my life and who I am now.”

“
And with Xavier . . . he just . . . starts doing . . . anything. Whatever he wants. And that works for you.”

“
That works for me.”

“
Because of what he likes? The scenarios, the demands he comes up with.”

“
Love.” He gave me a heated, lingering kiss. “Don’t worry. When
you
take control of me and do what you want with me, that will work for me, too.”

I wanted to believe him. But I couldn't get past the memory of how he'd looked at me that night I'd cuffed him to the headboard. How terrified, how angry he'd been. That we'd almost ended because of it.