Danny's Mom (23 page)

“Fuck you, Joe! It's your fault. All of this. Everything,” I shouted as I took the stairs. “You were the one who let Danny drive!”

At the bottom step, I heard the bathroom door slam. I raced for the phone in the den and called Kate. She didn't pick up. Neither did Zach.

I tried many times that night. No answer. No machine. And with each attempt to reach Kate, my anger grew, slowly crushing my need for her. How dare Kate blame me for what happened.

Chapter Twenty-Four

I
awoke in a pool of sweat and replayed the dream I just had. Peter leads a mob of students. They attack Kate and me at the beach. “Dykes should die!” the kids shout, pushing us toward the ocean. Kate reaches for me. A snake twists in her hand. I stumble into the sea as she drapes it around my shoulders. Peter laughs. “Serves you right, Mrs. Maller,” he calls when I fight to free myself from the serpent coiling around my neck. “You didn't even protect your own son. So how can you help other people's children?”

Although I hadn't been aware of Joe during the night, the turned down sheet told me he had come to bed. As I drove to school that morning, I wondered how much longer I could stay in a house where grief strangled intimacy. And how much longer could I stay in Meadow Brook, where laughter and ridicule heaped on me like garbage? I trembled as I pulled into the parking lot.

Sue jumped when I walked into the counseling center. “Liz Grant's in your office, Beth. I couldn't stop her. She's real upset.”

I didn't want to see Liz. Especially not then. But something had to be wrong or she wouldn't have been waiting for me. Yet, how could I help her when I couldn't even help myself?

I took a deep breath and opened the door. Liz sat on the edge of a chair, her back rigid, feet planted squarely on the floor. She jerked when I placed a hand on her shoulder. 

“Hi, Liz. What's going on?”

She didn't answer. I moved behind my desk and sat facing her. “What's the problem, Liz?” She looked straight ahead, eyes slightly off focus, hands clutching paper rolled up on her lap. “What do you have there?”

Liz lowered her head. “They'll kill me if they find out I have this,” she said. “They'll kill me for tearing it down.”

“What is it? And what can I do to help you?”

“I don't want you to do anything, Mrs. Maller, because if you tell anyone I brought this to you, they'll be after me. But I can't stand the way everyone's laughing at you, so I ripped this down without even thinking, and I was about to throw it away, but then I thought you should see it so you know what everyone's saying.”

“So, let's see it.”

“It just made me so angry. It was taped on the custodian's closet right across from my locker, and I don't even care if it's true, but this is what they're saying. They're saying Ms. Richardson converted you. That's what they were saying yesterday after the senior assembly, that Ms. Richardson converted you and now you'll get to Mrs. Harris, like it's some contagious disease and you're infecting the school. And then yesterday in the hall, Tina said now she knows why I spend so much time with you, that they're on to me too, that they know why I don't have a boyfriend.” Liz looked at me then. Her shoulders rounded as tears started.

I pushed the box of tissues across my desk. I wanted to hold her. But for the first time, I realized my touch could be dangerous. What if someone walked in and found me hugging Liz? What if Peter saw us? So all I said was, “It'll be okay. Why don't you show me what's on that paper now.”

Liz rolled it back and forth across her lap. “They said if I ever did anything wrong again they'd kill me for real.” She raised her voice and spoke even faster. “But I couldn't help it, Mrs. Maller. I didn't want everyone to see this and to keep talking about you the way they do about Ms. Richardson, ’cause it's so mean and I hate them so much and I wish they were dead!”

As I watched Liz ball a tissue in one hand and grasp the paper tighter in the other, I heard Peter's voice from my dream:
You didn't even protect your own son. So how can you help other people's children
?

I had to help Liz; I had to protect her. “I don't want you to get hurt, sweetie,” I said. “You can't defend yourself against kids like Tina. I want to help you, but I just don't know how.”

“Promise you won't tell anyone I came here. Promise you won't tell anyone I talked to you about this.”

“Okay,” I said, implying secrecy. “Now, let's see what's on that paper.”

Slowly, Liz unrolled the newsprint. She turned it around. I read the edict: D
YKES SHOULD DIE
! T
HAT MEANS YOU
, M
RS
. M
ALLER
. R
EAD THE
B
IBLE
.

I grabbed the sign, knowing the writers would, indeed, kill the messenger if they knew Liz had ripped down their work and brought it to me. I shivered as my fingers crushed their words.

Liz didn't seem to notice Fred Morris when she walked out of my office. He stood by the shelves of college catalogs, his back to my door. “Yo, Mrs. Maller! How goes it?” he called, turning toward me as Liz left.

“Go to homeroom, Fred. The bell's about to ring.”

When it did, I longed to call Kate. But the old Kate didn't exist anymore. So while Peter's voice blared the morning announcements, I headed for the ladies’ room, where I pulled down the notice taped to that door: D
YKES SHOULD DIE
! R
EAD THE
B
IBLE
, M
RS
. M
ALLER
.

At the first period bell, I went to the art room, walking the long way around to avoid Peter. He would be in the cafeteria buying breakfast or heading back to the main office with a bagel. Fred bumped into me in the hall before I barged in on the photo class. Callie's students stopped everything, like children playing freeze tag. Girls, suspended in year-end cleanup, stood by open cabinets while boys, holding playing cards, sat perfectly still at the back tables. Callie
turned from the bulletin board. I motioned to the door. No one said a word as she followed me out.

I told her about the phone calls the night before and about my meeting with Liz. Callie said signs were plastered all over the school. One of her homeroom students had seen Tina and Jen tape them to the walls.

“How could I have been so naive, Cal?”

“Kate seduced you. Though I did try to warn you. But that's not important now.” She touched my arm. I backed away. “Don't, Cal. What if someone sees us? I don't want them to start in on you now.”

“I'm not worried.”

“But I am.” Tears stung my eyes. “I can't do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Work in a place where I'm always looking over my shoulder. I used to love this school. I used to feel good about what I do. But now I sneak around like a criminal. I don't even know how to do my job anymore.”

“Just do what you always did.”

“I can't. I didn't even know what to say to Liz. And I'm scared—scared she'll get hurt—and it'll be my fault.”

“Come on, Beth. You've tried to help, and Peter's blocked you every time. It's what I told you before: The gorilla always wins.”

“You're right. You've always been right, Cal.” I tried to breathe, to force stale Meadow Brook air into my lungs. “I'm sorry I spent so much time with Kate. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I don't know why you even bother with me anymore.”

“Because I'm your friend.” Callie hugged me then, and I didn't resist. “And I don't give a rat's ass if anyone sees us.”

I went straight from the art room to the gym. If Tina was planning to attack Liz, she'd do so in the locker room. I had to talk to Ann.

Girls congregated on the gym bleachers. A group of boys huddled in a corner. Others played basketball. “They just did locker clean out,” Ann explained as she came toward me. “It's such a waste, this last week of classes.” She opened the door to the hallway. “Let's talk out there. I don't want to give the kids any more ammunition. I know about the posters, Beth. I can handle that kind of hate. I've had lots of practice. But you? I'm so sorry you have to go through this.” I sensed she was about to pat me on the back. But instead, she moved away. “And if anyone sees us together, things'll get even worse for you.”

“But I have to tell you about Liz.” I told Ann I was sure Tina had set Liz up, posting the message on the custodial closet across from Liz's locker, then sending Fred to spy on her.

“That group has their last gym class tomorrow,” Ann said. “I'll make sure Tina's nowhere near Liz. I can send Liz to the library. I'll tell her to empty her locker after school. No one'll bother her then. Tina and Jen surely leave the building the second the bell rings. They'd never hang around.”

I wasn't thinking about Peter on the way back to my office. I didn't even notice him standing outside the counseling center as I rounded the corridor. “Mrs. Maller,” he said with a chuckle. “Now I understand why you wanted to start a sensitivity program when that first sign went up about Ann Richardson. Dr. Sullivan will sure get a kick out of this, all right. Guess the truth always comes out, doesn't it?”

Chapter Twenty-Five

I
'd been in Meadow Brook long enough to know how the school explodes at the end of the year, when students empty lockers, tossing papers and candy wrappers and notebooks into overflowing trash bins in the hallways. The last week of classes, Bob leans against a table in the main corridor, where he sips orange juice and gives the kids a pep talk as they come in: “Study hard. Do well. We've had a good year. Let's not blow it now, gang.”

Unlike Bob, Peter sticks to the main office, where he checks exam schedules, assigns proctors, bundles tests. Too busy to mingle with students. No time for that. No sir. No way.

Tina's busy too, I imagine. I see her in my mind, guarding the hall before school, watching Jen hang that sign on the custodial closet across from Liz's locker.
Rip it down
, Tina must think when she sees Liz.
Then run to Mrs. Maller like you always do, even though all we were doing was having a little fun.

The day after Liz came to me with that sign, she ran to my office once more—this time a half hour after dismissal. And this time, what Liz shared was far worse than homophobic slurs. Tina and Jen had attacked her, Liz told me through sobs, in the deserted locker room right after school when she went to empty her gym locker. She cried with embarrassment and fear as she whispered that Fred Morris had pulled down his pants after Tina and Jen had stripped
off Liz's clothes, after they had forced her down on the cold hard floor that scraped her spine, which Liz said really hurt now. They pinned her arms back and told her they would kill her for sure if she screamed. And when the custodian cracked open the door and called in to see if anyone was there, Tina had stuffed a smelly sock into Liz's mouth before they all raced off.

“So I just need to hide here for a little while,” Liz said in a voice barely audible, “in case they're out there waiting for me. But you can't tell anyone what I told you, especially my mother. If she finds out, she'll be really mad at me.”

Liz's soft voice trembled. I strained to hear her swallowed words.

“My mother will say it was my fault. She'll say I went looking for trouble. But I didn't, Mrs. Maller. Honest, I didn't.” Liz melted into my arms and sobbed.

Suddenly, though, she pulled away and stood rigid, staring at me as if I were a stranger. “Wait. You told Ms. Richardson.” The words caught in Liz's throat. “Now I understand. You told her I came to you yesterday, didn't you?” Her voice grew louder as she backed toward the door.

“How could you, Mrs. Maller! You promised you wouldn't tell anyone! And that's why Ms. Richardson wanted to keep me away from Tina and Jen. That's why she sent me upstairs to help the librarian while everyone else cleaned out their lockers. But Tina must have heard Ms. Richardson tell me to clean mine out after school. That's how Tina knew I was in the locker room. Why did you do that, Mrs. Maller?” Liz asked. “I trusted you!”

Liz flew out of my office and crashed into Peter. “What the hell's going on?” he screamed. Liz squeezed by him. “You come back here,” Peter ordered as Liz pushed open the counseling center's door and rushed into the hall. “I'm talking to you, missy. You come back here this instant!”

“Please, Peter. Leave her alone,” I begged.

He faced me for a second, hatred sparking in his eyes. “Don't you tell me how to do my job!” he yelled as he took off after Liz.

He hauled her back as if she were a dog that had messed on the floor. They stood in my doorway, Peter's fingers collaring Liz's twiglike arm. “When I talk to you, missy, I expect you to listen.”

Liz stayed still, silent. When I looked at her, I sensed she had evaporated. Only a shell of pale skin remained. An image flashed in my mind: Danny in the Buick, snow coating the windshield.

“It's okay, Liz,” I said, a forced calm in my voice. “No one's going to hurt you.”

“What in the world are you talking about?” Peter asked. “You think I'm hurting her?”

“Please, Peter, let her go. She's had a horrible day.”

“Is that true, Liz? You've had a bad day?”

The mocking playfulness in Peter's voice fueled my anger. “Yes,” I answered for her. “Now let her go!”

Peter's fingers tightened around Liz's arm. “She has a mouth, Mrs. Maller. She can speak for herself.”

“Tell him, Liz,” I said. “You have to tell him what happened.”

Liz didn't look up. She didn't speak. I tried to take a deep breath, but the air had thinned, as if all the oxygen had been sucked from my office.

“Jesus Christ!” Peter said. “We've been through this before. And I told you then, Liz. It's time to grow up and act your age.”

“Let her go, Peter!”

His neck reddened, the color rising to his chin. “Don't you tell me what to do!”

“She's been hurt.” I softened my voice, struggling to shed the anger. “Please, let her go.”

Peter pushed Liz into a chair. “You're not going anywhere, missy. Not until you tell me what Mrs. Maller's talking about.”