Danny's Mom (24 page)

“Tell him, Liz. Then we'll make sure no one hurts you again.”

Peter stood over Liz, his hands crushing her shoulders. “Okay, Liz, I'll make this real easy for you.” He enunciated each word as if talking to a toddler. “Did anyone hurt you?”

I had to speak out. I couldn't let them hurt Liz again. “Tell him, Liz. You have to.”

Peter took his hands off Liz and pounded my desk. “Christ almighty! I haven't got all day here. I've got far more important things to do than play kindergarten games. I'm trying to run a high school. I've got exam envelopes to check.”

Liz stared at the floor. Her lips pressed together.

“I'm tired of repeating myself, missy. So, you tell me right now. Did anyone hurt you?”

Liz looked up, her eyes vacant as they met mine. “No,” she said softly.

“Speak up,” Peter said. “I want to make sure Mrs. Maller and I both hear you. Did anyone hurt you?”

Liz stood. “No!” she shouted, then bolted from my office.

My spine tingled. Guarding Liz's secrets hadn't protected her, and now she was denying the truth. How could I possibly keep her safe?

Peter grinned. “I'll see you in two minutes in Bob's office, Mrs. Maller. And don't be late. We've wasted enough time with your nonsense this semester.”

Anger boiled in my gut. I couldn't control the tears. I didn't even try. I would have to tell Bob and Peter what Liz had told me. I would have to betray Liz's confidence to save her. Finally, I was thinking clearly—something I hadn't been doing since returning to Meadow Brook. My silence had been as harmful as Bob's ignorance, as deadly as Peter's spite.

This had to stop. It had to stop now.

I entered the principal's office from the hall so I wouldn't pass Mary's desk. If I saw her, I'd have to tell her Liz had been abused, and I wouldn't know how much to say. I couldn't predict Mary's reaction. Maybe she wouldn't believe Liz's story.
My God, Beth. Don't you think Lizzie would have come to me if they had tried to rape her?
Or maybe Liz had been right: Mary might blame her.
I've been telling Lizzie all semester to just stay away from those kids. If she would have listened to me, she wouldn't have gotten herself in trouble.
As I pulled myself together to
meet Bob and Peter, I understood why Liz shielded herself from her mother. Blame the victim. Kill the messenger.

But what if Mary believed Liz had been attacked and hadn't asked for it? Then would Mary confront the attackers? And would she confront me for not having pushed her to see the truth earlier? Or would she attack Bob and Peter for the gaping hole in school security, that pit into which Liz had plunged?

Bob pointed to a chair at the conference table. “Okay, Beth,” he said as I sat. “I'm told there's been a little problem with Liz Grant.”

“It's not a little problem. It's possible Liz was raped. She was stripped and abused after school today in the locker room. I'm not exactly sure how far they got. And Tina Roland might still be after her. We have to protect Liz so they don't get her again.”

“Just a second, Mrs. Maller,” Peter said. “You say you're not exactly sure what happened? Then how can you accuse anyone? And what was Liz doing in the locker room after school anyhow?”

Bob jumped in before I could answer. “Hold on, Pete,” he said. “I need to know what happened this afternoon.”

“But Mrs. Maller already told us she's not sure exactly what happened,” Peter said. “And I need to know what Liz was doing in the locker room after school.”

“Emptying her gym locker,” I said quickly, refusing to meet Peter's eyes.

“Which she was supposed to do during gym class,” Peter added.

“Forget that, Pete!” Bob said. “Beth, what happened this afternoon?”

Peter stood up and leaned against the table, bracing himself with his sausage fingers. “Just give me a minute here, Bob.” He stared at me till my eyes met his. “Tell me, Mrs. Maller, since you seem to be the expert on what goes on around here: Why didn't Liz empty her locker during gym class, when she was supposed to?”

“I don't believe this!” I answered. “A student's been attacked, and what's important to you is why she emptied her locker after school?”

“You know what Bob says about rules, Mrs. Maller. We run a tight ship in Meadow Brook. It's the rules that keep us afloat. But you don't seem to care about that, do you? Because every time you let Liz hang out in your office when she's supposed to be in class, you break the rules. Every time you refuse to send her to Debra, you break the rules. And when Ms. Richardson breaks the rules … well, look at what you say happened because Liz didn't clean out her locker when she was supposed to. But you know, I'm not really surprised. I mean, it's your kind, people like you and Ms. Richardson, who always break the rules and mess things up. Don't you agree, Bob?”

“That's enough, Pete! For God's sake, sit down, and let Beth tell us what happened. I need to know.”

“But she doesn't know what happened. She already said that.”

“That's not true!” Anger and frustration rolled in my chest. “I know Liz was stripped after school in the locker room. This wasn't the first time those kids got her.”

“What kids?” Bob asked.

“Tina Roland, Jen Scotto, and Fred Morris. I know Tina and Jen stripped her once before. We have to stop them now. We have to find Liz and make sure she's okay. They could be waiting outside for her.”

“I don't believe this,” Peter cut in. “It's not enough you want to take over in school? Now you want to take over outside too?” He shook his head and looked at Bob. “Don't you see what's happening here? Word's out that Tina was the ringleader in yesterday's little sign-posting, though there's no proof, so we can't accuse her, of course. And we're not going to make a big deal out of this. But you know the signs I'm talking about, the ones that said—”

“Enough!” Bob held him back. “We all know what those signs said.”

“But don't you see what Mrs. Maller's doing? She's making these allegations to get even with Tina for telling us what we should have guessed months ago. I mean, come on, Bob. I know you see what's been happening. Mrs. Maller wanted to start some stupid sensitivity
program after the word was out about Richardson. Do you honestly think Mrs. Maller would have cared one whit if not for her own sexuality? And now she wants to punish Tina for making her the Meadow Brook laughingstock. But accusing Tina and her friends of raping Liz? Well, that's … that's just taking it too damn far. I can't believe even Mrs. Maller would stoop that low, especially when Liz herself denied it. She told me nobody hurt her.”

“Listen to me, Bob!” I ripped my shroud of silence. “Liz needs our help. We can't allow Tina to hurt her anymore. That's what this is about. That's all this is about. Please, Bob, believe me. They're going to get her again. And they threatened to kill her if anyone found out what they did. But you can stop them. You're the only one who can protect Liz. You can't let Tina hurt her anymore!”

“Hang on here, Mrs. Maller.” Peter stroked his cheek as if thoughts sprouted on his skin. He spoke slowly now, his words deliberate. “You said Tina and Jen attacked her before. Did you know about that, Bob?”

“It doesn't matter,” I said, not listening for Bob's answer. “The only thing that matters is protecting Liz.” I had to speak out. There wasn't a choice. I hadn't saved Danny. I had to save Liz. This time I would make a difference. And if doing the right thing meant risking my job, if Joe had been right about that, so what? What had mattered was Danny. What mattered now was Liz.

Maybe it wasn't a gorilla I was up against after all. Maybe I was battling my old self—the Beth who cared about year-end evaluations and pleasing Bob with a Beatles tune. The Beth who would let Peter chew her like a piece of Tina's gum. It was time to let go of that Beth. I said goodbye to her that afternoon Liz was attacked, as I glared at Peter and fought for Liz. “The only thing that matters is making sure Liz isn't hurt.”

“Now you just hold it right there!” Peter struck the table. “You're saying it doesn't matter that Bob and I didn't know about the first attack? Let me get this straight. You claim a student was
abused in our school, and you say it's not important that you never reported it?”

I looked at Bob. “We can't let them hurt her again. That's why Ann kept Liz out of gym today—to protect her. Tina's been threatening Liz all year. And now it's up to you, Bob. You have to stop those kids before they get her again. You have to do something!”

Bob nodded. “Had you heard anything about this, Pete? Anything at all before now?”

“Hell no! And that alone's grounds for dismissal, wouldn't you say? Not reporting a threat against a student? Sounds to me like Mrs. Maller's guilty of endangering the welfare of a minor.”

“You want to talk about endangering the welfare of a minor, Peter?” The sound of my voice, firm and strong, surprised me. “This is how you endanger the welfare of a minor: You close your eyes when a student's in pain; you refuse to listen when she cries for help. Liz begged you to change her gym class at the beginning of the year, but you wouldn't budge. And you yanked her from my office after the first attack in the locker room. Even when you saw how upset she was, you told her she couldn't talk to me. You sent her back to class.”

A fireball of anger swept through me. “This is how you endanger the welfare of a minor, Peter: You steamroll a student who needs to be heard. You crush her with your power and stamp on anyone who gets in your way. You're so freakin’ busy enforcing your stupid rules, you have absolutely no idea what goes on around here. And you endanger the welfare of everyone in Meadow Brook when you ignore signs of harassment and hate. You didn't do anything when that poster went up about Ann. You didn't care that homophobia would fester—and it did. And its eruption in the senior assembly led to this attack on Liz.”

Peter spread his fingers and flexed his hands on the table. He looked at Bob, who nodded at me to continue.

“You're right about one thing, though. I should have told you about the threats against Liz on the outside chance that maybe, just
maybe, you would have done something to ensure her safety. But you probably wouldn't have believed me. And even if you had, my guess is you wouldn't have done anything to help her, because you care more about rules than about students. Your tight ship is more important to you than anyone on it. And all you're interested in is keeping everything nice and quiet so parents don't give you a hard time and so Dr. Sullivan doesn't get on your case.

“I'm just sorry he didn't see how you dragged Liz back to the center a little while ago, Peter, when she may have been a rape victim. But you don't care about that. All you care about is making sure no one finds out what really goes on in this school. Because if anyone did, you'd have to handle it. You'd have to do something. And you'd have to face the facts: You don't run a tight ship at all. Because your ship's sprung a big leak, and the sad thing is, you don't even care about the students who are going down with it. The only thing you care about is that no one knows it's sinking.

“So don't you dare accuse me of endangering the welfare of a minor when it's you who calls the shots. I'm not the captain here. You've made that perfectly clear. But I'm telling you: Meadow Brook is sinking, and when kids get hurt—and believe me, they will—everyone will know it was you who brought us down.”

Bob spoke first. “Are you finished?”

I nodded.

“Good,” Peter said, “because now that you've gotten that off your chest, let me tell you something. You're not going to have to worry about what goes on around here much longer. Your little tirade there just clinched it.” He smiled at Bob. “I'd say we've got her on three charges: conduct unbecoming a teacher; insubordination; and endangering the welfare of a minor. What do you say, Bob?”

I stood, not waiting for his answer. “Please don't let them hurt Liz again,” I said. Then I walked out of Meadow Brook.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I
n the end, I could see it started long before last winter. I sit in Starbucks now, in Manhattan, and I wonder: If Danny hadn’t died, would I have fought so hard for Liz?

Dr. Goldstein says I’ve traded my consequence game for
What if.
What if Danny hadn’t written about Matthew Shepard’s murder? Would I have pushed for a sensitivity program in Meadow Brook? Would I have met with Tina and Jen? And what if I would have spoken out sooner? Would Peter and Bob have listened? Could I have prevented the abuse? Or would Liz have been hurt no matter what?

Liz doesn’t go to Meadow Brook anymore; she transferred to St. Francis. I hear she’s doing well.

“I saw a recent photo of her,” Callie told me in one of her almost daily phone calls. “It’s on Mary’s desk, next to the picture of Mary and her new husband. And Liz looks pretty good. Not as skinny as last year.”

Dr. Goldstein says I play
What if
to make sense of situations I can’t control. “But life doesn’t always make sense, Beth,” he said a few months ago. “So you can’t control it any more than you could have controlled whether your mother broke her back if you stepped on a crack.”

I remember that particular therapy session well. I took the train from Manhattan to Glenwood, and Joe met me at the station. We
saw Dr. Goldstein together. Then Dad insisted on treating us to dinner at the steakhouse.“I won big at the poker game at Saul’s, honey. And it makes me feel good to take my children out.” He winked at Joe.“Better than Chinese food. Right, son?”

I stayed in Bay View that night. Moose hunkered down by my side of the bed, and Joe chuckled. “That’s the first time he’s slept in here. Guess he really misses you, Red.”

I fell asleep next to Joe and dreamed I was a little girl, standing on my father’s feet as he danced me around the living room. When I shared that dream with Dr. Goldstein, I realized it has taken me a lifetime to hop off of Dad’s shoes and move around on my own. Dr. Goldstein has helped me to see that with Joe, too, I’d been fearful of taking my own steps.

I sit alone now and think about Joe. And I wonder: When did we stop loving enough? Was it when I became Danny’s mom— when my focus tunneled to my child? Or did our love evaporate slowly, as Danny grew and Joe worked harder and the “us” of Joe and Beth slipped away?