Dark Kiss (The Two sides of me Book 1) (3 page)

Chapter 4

“Look After You.” by The Fray

I get dressed in my scrubs; it’s nice to basically wear pajamas to work. I braid my long damp hair, effectively keeping it out of my face, apply a touch of mascara and dash out the door.  At the hospital I request Evan as a patient tonight and I’m assigned him and another woman who has a gunshot wound to the head; she isn’t expected to live.

She’s the wife of a very wealthy man, and it was a stray bullet; she was shot sitting in her car at a stop light. Multiple family members stand around in the lobby, crying at the news, and her husband is at her bedside. He is devastated, lost, holding her hand and sobbing openly. It makes me think about losing a loved one, a partner, a husband and a soul mate; I shudder, even though I have never known that kind of love, I imagine it must be terrible. I check on Evan first, he’s still unconscious but tonight his sister isn’t alone at his bedside. A very handsome blonde man is standing on the opposite side of Evan’s bed, dressed in a dark pin-striped very expensive looking suit. He’s talking softly with Gabriella and when I enter the room they become quiet and greet me.

“Oh hello Mia, I’m so glad your finally hear, this is Isaac,” she introduces me to the striking blonde man with crystal blue eyes and he offers me his hand to shake.

“Nice to meet you Isaac, it’s always good to have friends visit, maybe it will spark something and he will wake up.”

“Oh, we aren’t friends,” he says nervously, glancing quickly at Evan and back to me. “I work for Mr. Lawson.”

Gabriella speaks up, sounding a bit embarrassed at Isaac’s denial of friendship.

“Isaac is Evan’s right-hand man and he manages one of Evan’s restaurants located here in Seattle, he is invaluable to him. I’m sure he considers you his friend Isaac.” She too glances at Evan.

What’s going on here, this guy seems afraid Evan might hear him claiming to be his friend, and what could be wrong with that?

“Well a familiar voice can be helpful too.” I’m attempting to cut some of the tension in the room. Isaac gives me a crooked smile and then his eyes are on his feet, hands in the pockets of his pants, shuffling his feet around like a kid who has been caught doing something wrong. I check Evan over and leave the two of them to talk. I need to see my other patient anyway, and this room is feeling uncomfortable. Isaac doesn’t stay long, he leaves after looking over some paperwork with Gabriella in the hallway. Gabriella touches my arm.

“Mia I’m leaving now, I’ll be back in the morning.”

“Ok, I work tomorrow night again, I imagine I’ll see you.”

“Oh you will, if you’re working I’ve requested you to always be his nurse.”

“Oh…” I’m a little surprised and I’m not sure what to say.

“I know it’s silly and you probably won’t believe me.” She looks down at the floor and back up to me, holding my eyes in a serious gaze that pleads
believe me
.  “I feel like he’s more comfortable when you’re here.” She pauses waiting for my reaction, which I do not give away because I truly don’t know what to say.

“His color is better and I swear his heart rate goes up for you.”

Oh my God, I must be seriously transparent; first Jay and now Gabriella thinks I have a thing for Evan, which I do but holy crap, it must be very noticeable. I need to work on that… blushing, I turn to Gabriella.

“Well thank you, I do enjoy taking care of him,” more than she could ever know.

“Ok then, see you tomorrow.”

“Bye,” I say quietly as she strides to the elevator once again. Secretly, I’m glad he’s alone again and I’m immediately drawn to his bedside, that magnetism hard at work again. Does his heart rate really go up when I’m around? As a nurse, it’s something I probably should have noticed. Note to self, go back and look at Evans’ heart rate in the computer and see if Gabrielle is right; at the moment he’s running at about 70 beats per minute, which is perfectly normal. I sigh, wouldn’t it be flattering if a man of his magnitude in a coma noticed my presence?

Yea because he’s got his eyes closed,
I chastise myself.
Reality check Mia, get back to work!

As I have been compelled all week, I lean close to Evan’s face and whisper softly, “It’s Mia again; your sister thinks you like me, funny huh?”

I look up at the monitors; no change in heart rate, so much for that experiment. Time to get this guy adjusted in bed, I move him slightly and carefully with the turn sheet under him that we use to reposition patients, not going too far as his leg is still in traction. He’s really heavy, full of solid muscle and he fills the bed top to bottom. He could really use a bath; the nursing assistants on the night shift usually do this to ease up the day shift’s load of work, our assistant isn’t here tonight though. I can’t help but smile, I’m happy to take on this task. I’m trying my best to think clinically about giving Evan a bath but he’s so handsome, it’s really difficult. His bruising is turning yellow and the knot on his head is significantly smaller; his face is even more angular now that most of the swelling has gone down; he looks even more like Gabriella now. That’s what I’ll concentrate on, how much he looks like his sister, that has to decrease the sex appeal doesn’t it…? Yea right… I gather up what I need for his bath and run some warm water in a washbasin and make sure his blinds and door are closed. Then I set out to complete my work as clinically as possible. I gently wash his face; he has more than a five o’clock shadow going on today. I’ll save shaving for tomorrow night, something to look forward to, unless he wakes up of course. I gently caress the dark hair that hangs on his forehead with the back of my fingers, brushing a thick curl back off of his face and resisting the strong urge to run my fingers through all of that thick soft brown hair. I rinse my washcloth and fold down his sheet, I work to remove his hospital gown and begin washing his chest, and I revel in feeling every abdominal muscle through the thin washcloth. ‘Keep it together Mia, he’s just a patient, he’s just a patient’, I chant in my head. Oh who am I kidding; he’s more than a patient to me. I’m having feelings for him and I’ve never actually met him. ‘Ok, breathe Mia, deep breath in, blow it out.’ I dry him off quickly, feeling shame for taking so much time and staring inappropriately at his chest. In the back of my mind I’m thinking I must check on my other patient, make this snappy…. I continue down his arms to his hands, and I wonder how it must feel to be held by these arms, touched by these hands.

I move the sheet slightly further down past his waist, my breath hitches in my throat; oh my god, he has
the V
pointing to the part of his body I’m most apprehensive about. He is absolutely exquisite, a perfect human male specimen. I finish washing and drying him above the waist and move the sheet up to work a clean hospital gown back onto him. I cover him; my heart is racing and I can hear my pulse swooshing in my ears, ‘Get a grip woman! More deep breathing…’ I move to finish by bathing the leg that isn’t in a cast. Another example of perfect anatomy, defined and long, lean muscles cover him from head to perfect toe; yea I’m a foot woman and he has smooth lovely feet, I’m weird about feet, it’s just a thing, what can I say? I’m sure there’s a name for my foot fetish; they have a name for everything these days. I can tell he must have regular pedicures, no dry skin or calluses for this guy. Being meticulous, I wash his leg and foot, between his toes, I wouldn’t want him to wake up and think we had been neglecting this foot!

The toes of his other foot are peeking out the end of his cast, too much swelling to get to those for now. I clean up my things and return the sheet over Evan, and I feel bad for not cleaning up ‘down there’ but really I’m pushing it as it is; someone else is going to have to do that, as much as I hate the thought. I just can’t do it right now. I’ve been touched without consent before, when I was attacked, and I can’t bear the thought that he might feel assaulted. I know it’s part of being a nurse, and I’ve done it a thousand times, but usually the patient is aware of what I’m doing and realizes it’s necessary; with my feelings for Evan and wondering if he’s is aware of me being there, I just can’t bring myself to do it. He has a catheter, so it’s not life threatening to avoid it, right? Yes that’s good, keep rationalizing with yourself Mia; it’s not neglect… not really. I should have had another nurse help me turn him to wash his back but my selfishness wins out; I don’t want to share him with anyone and I’ll get it tomorrow…. I gaze down at my good work and I’m satisfied. He smells of soap; I could stand here all night but I need to see my other patient. ‘She is dying you know Mia, others need your attention’. Snapping out of my trance I turn the lights in the room down a bit and open the blinds that lead to the hall so I will be able to see him from my charting station. I lean down and speak in a quiet voice, “All clean now Evan, you can wake up any time, and I’m waiting for you.”

Back to work, I alternate my time between Evan and my shooting victim all night; she’s not doing well and it won’t be long now, her family is here with her. We don’t usually allow so many people in an ICU room but in this case, what’s the difference? Working in this department makes anyone a tiny bit callous after a few years, and in cases like this it’s basically hospice care, no hope. The day crew arrives and I’m almost ready to turn over my obsession to another woman, why do I hate that idea so much? I remember Gabriella and her comment about Evan’s heart rate, and I decide to click through the computer and compare my ‘brain’ or the paper that organizes my work by the hour, with his stats.  I look for the times I have been in the room during the night and compare his heart rate when I’ve been in the room with times I wasn’t.  Oh my…they totally correlate! He goes from 70 bpm to 90-100 bpm whenever I’ve been in the room. She was right, he knows I’m there, no, no, no…. it’s not just me, I’m sure this happens whenever anyone is in the room.

I check back through his chart and no, his heart rate was almost exactly the same all day long yesterday, but the night shift results are all over the place, and I was his nurse! Ok, so maybe it’s because I’m the only one that talks to him so closely, so intimately; yes, that has to be it. Tomorrow night I’ll test it out; I’ll just come in and chat with Gabriella without talking in his ear, and I’m sure when I match the times up it will be a coincidence.

Duh, it has to be, he’s unconscious Mia…

Chapter 5

“Brain Stew” by Green Day

Evan 

Fuzzy, it feels like I’m moving through water, it’s so dark here, wherever ‘here’ is… Maybe a dream… am I alive? If I’m dead, this must be hell because I know a man like me would never end up in heaven. My existence is unclear, is that someone speaking?  Soft, beautiful murmurs float in and out through my clouded mind but I can’t make out the words.  They calm the storm going on in my head…so confusing…. the voice is unfamiliar but soothing, pleasant, I need this voice to survive somehow, I know this one thing for sure. I try to hold on but it drifts away… NO, FUCK…. I want something to hold on to and that voice…. I know it’s the key to my survival, my way back… stay with me…but I succumb to the darkness unwillingly and she’s gone again…

She’s back, telling me something… focus damn it… what is she saying? Her voice moves in and out of my mind, every time I try to reach out it’s gone again, what the hell is happening to me? I detest being out of control…there she is again, ok; work at untangling the words and make some sense out of them…she’s taking care of me…. is that what she said? Nobody takes care of me, and that’s the way I like it; dark thoughts disconnect me from her…NO, no, no…come back! Shit, I hate feeling dependent on someone, but there is a pull to this woman’s voice that I can’t deny. Yes… she is taking care of me, that’s definitely what she’s saying, but who the hell are you and what has happened to me that I need to be taken care of?!

Oh… pain… yes that’s pain… finally something I’m very familiar with, this I can relate to, this I can firmly hold on to. My head, it’s indescribable actually; I’ve felt literally thousands of types of pain but this… this is miserable. There she is again, something about cleaning a wound, what? I must have been in some sort of accident… yes that’s it, a few pieces of the puzzle fall into place. I was in a car, wasn’t I? Yes, yes… we drove off a bridge. Shit, Cameron…. I see her face floating in front of mine…. we are under water, or is it the feeling in my brain that is making me submerged? No… no it’s Cameron, her hair is floating around her face, she’s looking at me with eyes wide but no expression, white as a ghost, empty; she’s not…. fuck the darkness closes in around me again…

I can feel her, warm hands, she’s speaking to me again… so softly, talk louder damn it, my mind screams! Hang on to the pain; my leg, I think it’s my leg that hurts… I don’t know for sure but I grip tight to familiar sensation of pain. There is also the sensation that someone is touching my face… no, not just touching, scratching… shaving! That’s it, someone is shaving my face… what the fuck, nobody has ever done this, and I don’t like it. It feels so foreign… no maybe it’s ok. Mmmmm I feel soft skin and warm breath on my face and….oh soft lips on mine….she kissed me?  Now I can make out what she’s saying better, Mia…that’s her name… she’s going to take good care of me…. well that’s comforting, NOT!

Wake me up Mia!! If you want to take care of me, wake me the fuck up!!! I’m suddenly consumed with fury and exhaustion; please, please Mia just wake me up…. the black fog returns and she’s gone…

Oh that feels good, I can’t even wrap my mind around what is going on with my body but I know I like it and I know I’m missing out on something…. It’s Mia again; I can smell her, such a soft, pleasant smell, almost like cotton candy mixed with clean linens. She’s touching me slowly, my face… my arms and hands, my chest…I want to reach out to her, part of me to stop her; no one touches me without my consent. The other part of me yearns to restrain her hands and put my mouth on her; shit I can’t see anything, why can’t I wake up? Will it always be this way, am I paying for my sins in life by being trapped in a body that can’t respond, with no control, vulnerable! Fuck I hate being vulnerable, Evan Lawson doesn’t do vulnerable. I feel her moving down my body to my leg and my foot…. fuuucck I love having my feet touched, I’ve always taken such good care of my feet and now this person Mia is doing it for me. She’s getting me hard as fuck, I wonder if she’s going to take care of
that
part of me as well?

I’m grateful though that she’s keeping me clean; I’m OCD, or metrosexual as some people put it, about cleanliness. Not that I’d ever admit that to anyone other than myself, part of me wants her to stop. I can do this myself. No, no I must not be able to… fucking wake up!!! I fight the darkness that surrounds me but I’m not strong enough and finally I succumb once again.

How long have I been here? I have no concept of time, it feels like fucking forever…. I can hear voices again… so far away… a woman, not Mia but familiar, Gabriella! If Gabriella is here this must be bad, I’ve been so evil to her she would never come unless I was going to die… shit am I dying? I’m filled with sudden terror that my life is going to end soon…. I’m not ready; I was ready, before I heard my angel’s voice I had been on the edge of giving up.

I haven’t lived my life in a way that would land me in a better place, which means I’m going to hell. Oh no, no, no, this is NOT happening; fight Evan, give yourself time for redemption, time to meet Mia, and see if her face matches up with her beautiful voice; if I could just wake up! Another voice floats into my mind, a man; Isaac? Am I hearing this right? Yes, that’s Isaac; what the fuck is he doing here, and talking to Gabriella! I can’t make out the words, they are too far away, that fucker better be taking care of my restaurants while I’m where ever the hell I am or so help me I’ll kill him when I finally wake up! He will…. he knows better than to let anything fall through the cracks, he’s more than aware that his very life is on the line working for me, I’m ruthless with my employees, and that’s what makes me so successful, fear motivates people.

Fear is motivating me now, and the pain in my head is distracting; I need to find a way out of here, but where is Mia? She’s my savior, I don’t know how I know it, but I do. She told me she would be back; I remember that, she’s coming back…hold on, I just need to hold on until I hear her voice again.