Dark Secrets (108 page)

And it really only
sunk in right then, that I had missed this; all along, I’d been
looking across the road to the boy I thought I loved, when I
should’ve been looking right beside me.
This
was my saviour—this was my
knight in shining armour. He always had and always would come to my
rescue. “Good,” I said. “Because I don’t want you to go
anywhere
.”

He leaned down and his
warm, velvet smile melted onto my lips as his breath brushed hot
against my skin. It was the first kiss. My first kiss in my new
life. I’d been given the chance to start over—cleansed of all the
mistakes of the past.

The hourglass had
rocked and the balance tipped in reverse, but everything was back
in place and, today, I began a new journey with the man I
was
supposed
to
be with. True love would be ours now and happiness would be in
every breath I took beside this man. We would go on—live, as living
was intended, and I would love him for forever—for our
forever—because they’d always been the same.

Chapter
Thirty-Eight

True love, by
definition, means “someone that is truly loved.”

But true love must be
reciprocated, or it is only excruciatingly unbearable and
devastating—a never-ending lonely night in an empty
room.

By the dictionary of
Ara, true love means you could not live without that person. That
the love you feel for them is as honest and deep as the love they
feel for you—a soul mate—a perfect match. David was my soul mate,
but Mike was my perfect match, and in only a few hours, we’d be
sharing this truth with the rest of the world.

The presence of my
hand over my belly was supposed to settle the feeling of nerves,
like black bats had assembled in my gut and bludgeoned the ogre to
death, but it didn’t. And it didn’t hide the fact that, in truth, I
wasn’t ready for this. But Dad wouldn’t let me go back to Perth
with Mike unless we were married first. So, I stood in front of the
full-length, oval mirror, with golden light spreading its warm
beams of morning over my bedroom floor, and let time pass around
me—unable to control it or make good use of it; just existing as a
part of its greater plan.

I reached across and
tilted the mirror’s frame, changing the image to the plain white of
the roof. I couldn’t look at the reflection staring back at me
today; she was error, beautified by justification, painted in the
form of a bright-eyed young girl. A young girl who was doing what
was expected of her, not what her heart wanted.

I loved Mike, I really
did, but the quiet prelude to the tempest had me wondering if I was
doing the right thing; if marrying one man, when I was still in
love with another, would perhaps destroy not just my life, but
Mike’s as well.

The passed winter was
long and the blue memory of Christmas Day settled over my thoughts,
blotting out the yellow of spring in my room. Mike’s parents had
demanded he return home for Christmas, and I spent the whole day on
the armchair downstairs, talking to him on the phone. The bill was
huge, but Mike just laughed and said it was small change—a minor
drawback in the greater scheme of things—and covered the costs
himself. When he finally came back, I had never been so glad to see
him in all my life. I’d had so many nightmares while he was
gone—one’s that ended in him calling to say he’d changed his mind
about me, or some where his plane crashed while I waited for him at
the airport, and some where I slipped into the darkness again, and
he wasn’t there to save me. I needed him, almost as much as he
needed me. So, maybe I wasn't really ready for this, but I couldn’t
live without him, either.

I shook my head a few
times, releasing the shiver of memories, and looked behind me to
the near-empty room. My bed was gone, the spongy white carpet
dominating the space, while the new daybed in the corner had become
a shelf for all things bridal, except the bouquets, which were
lined up on the hallstand beside the window. It might not have been
my room anymore, but it still felt like my room, except, like me,
it was changed beyond recognition. My face, my hands, everything
was polished and shined, shaped and fashioned to look like the
bride standing by the mirror in her wedding dress.

The swirling vortex of
time had swept everything up, and I was next—destined to leave
everyone behind. But that was always my destiny, wasn’t it? And one
day soon, I was sure it would carry me away from Mike.

But not
today.

Under my thumb, the
white flowers stitched into the veil sitting over the chair back
felt silky. This veil was one of the reasons Mike gave no protest
over going home at Christmas time. He’d salvaged a few things when
he and his mum cleared out my old house after I left—my mum’s veil
being one of them. I don't think I ever cried so hard as when he
handed me a box, wearing that cheeky grin, and I opened it to see
white tulle. He and Dad found it utterly amusing, but I was sure
half Dad’s tears of hilarity were owed to emotions he wouldn’t
admit.

Outside my window, the
familiar chatter of my little bluebird friend formed the soundtrack
to my faraway thoughts. I snapped from my reverie, tilted the
mirror back down and watched the bird dancing in the reflection,
bouncing happily as if life just went on. So simple. That’s it;
eat, sing, dance and play.

I wished I were a
bluebird. I’d fly away—over the rainbow.

But life was not a
novel and people didn’t really get happy endings. I finally
understood all the negative philosophical one-liners this town
loved so much. They were phrases invented by smart people who knew
life wasn’t made of dreams, even though it sometimes felt like
one.

David said it best,
though: “Even dreams eventually die.”

We’re not the leading
ladies of our own illusory films. This is life and we are real. The
time had come for me to grow up and, if I couldn't live the life I
wanted, I had to at least live the lie. Either way, they were
making me move on.

I ran my fingers over
the yellow and silver embroidered cherry blossoms, flowing like a
swarm of butterflies over the fitted bodice of my white dress. I
wasn’t totally sold on the full hoop skirt and long train, but it
had been a stipulation of Vicki’s that she get to help choose the
dress—without any arguments. The only thing we really argued on,
the only thing I really enforced was that my bouquet be white, with
only
accents
of
yellow. No red. It caused massive debates, until Mike stepped in
and told Vicki it was my choice.

Vicki meant well, but
she could never understand what the red rose once meant to me, how
it represented the part of me that would always belong to David.
That was a different time; I wish it were a different
life.

I took a wispy breath
and felt my heart flutter as I pushed his face away from my mind. I
couldn’t have any thoughts of him today or I’d fall to pieces.
There is, and never was, a David Knight. He died in
nineteen-thirteen when his uncle bit him and turned him into a
vampire. He never loved me, never promised me eternity—never
existed. I was moving on, as he did—leaving all hope of love and
destiny to the children who read fairytales.

They say that spring
represents new beginnings; the end of the darkness; the cloaking of
faux pas—the chance to wake up and start all over again. David
would never be far from my thoughts, but I would live for the rest
of my life without him in my embrace.

I looked at myself in
the mirror again, at the bride, the woman that now stood before me:
this was moving on.

“
Ara? Are you okay?”
Emily smiled at me from the doorway.

“
Emily! You look
beautiful,” I all but squealed and hugged her as she walked over to
me. She held me tight. Then, standing her at arms length, I smiled,
admiring her dress. “Yellow is definitely your colour.”

“
Well, thank you for
choosing such a tasteful bridesmaid dress.” She smiled, running her
fingers over the chiffon.

“
I’m glad we went for
the shorter dress—it’s says spring to me.” I tapped my
chin.

“
It doesn’t feel like
spring. It’s so cold today.” She smiled and tilted her head to one
side, pausing there for a second. “Is it David? Is that what you
were thinking about just now?”

A rush of hot blood
shot through my stomach; I clutched my silver locket. On my own,
with the four walls of my room surrounding me—closing me
in—convincing myself I could move on was easy. But in the presence
of those who proved life was still real and still hurt, pretending
I no longer belonged to him made me want to fold over and cry. “You
know me too well.” I sighed, forcing myself to release the locket.
“I’m gonna miss you, Emily.”

“
Don’t worry, I’ll
come see you real soon. You’ll see. And as for David? Well—” she
touched my shoulder, “—Mike’s better for you than him,
Ara.”

My eyes nearly leaped
out of my head. “What! Did you just say what I think you just
said?”

She laughed. “I know,
I know. It’s a bit if a turnaround, but—” she shrugged. “I'm sorry,
Mike’s proven himself in my books, Ara.”

“
Yeah, he’s pretty
likeable.” My fingers found the locket again and held it tight.
“And I am happy, you know. I do love Mike.”

“
I know.” She
nodded.

“
I just miss David,
is all, and—” I faced the mirror again, dropping the chain from my
fingers and letting it fall, cool against my skin. “I just needed a
moment to reflect on that, I guess.”

“
Oh!” We both looked
up to the whimpering gasp as Vicki walked in and burst into
tears—again. “My beautiful Ara-Rose. I can’t believe you’re getting
married.”

“
Been that way for a
few months now, Mom,” I said and hugged her, being careful of my
cascading curls.

“
I know. It just
feels like we only got you a few weeks ago, and now look at you—all
grown up and leaving us.” She wiped away her tears. “Oh. Look at
me, I’ve gone and smudged my makeup again.”

Emily and I exchanged
a humoured smile as Vicki headed into my bathroom. The wardrobe she
passed through was empty now. The rows and rows of clothes she
bought me, the yellow dress, my box of pictures and everything else
that made this room my own was on its way home now. On a freight
plane back to Perth, which, after tonight, when I officially became
Mrs Michael Christopher White, I would be too—except…not on a
freight plane.

Emily let out a soft
breath, half smiling. “Come on. It’s nearly time. Let’s put this
veil on.”

I lifted the
blanket-heavy skirt and sat down on the stool near the mirror. It
felt good to sit. I’d been standing for too long.

“
No looking until I
get this in, okay?”

“
Em—my back’s to the
mirror. How can I see, anyway?”

“
Oh, I’m sure you’ll
find a way, if you want to.”

“
You know me too
well.” I smirked. “So, where’s Alana?”

“
Finishing her hair.
And still trying to practice walking in those heels.”

“
I hope she doesn’t
trip over.”

“
No one will notice,”
she muttered with a few bobby pins between her lips, “they won’t be
able to see past you.”

With the veil in my
hair, Emily took a step back and adoration flooded her eyes like a
little girl getting her first kitten.

“
Does it look nice?”
I asked, touching my fingertips to the meshy fabric.

“
Oh, my God!” Alana
squealed.

“
Don’t cry,” Emily
warned. “I’m not re-doing your makeup.”

“
I’m not. I’m not.
Oh, Ara,” Alana said, waving her hands near her moistening eyes.
“You’re so pretty.”

“
Thanks. You look
nice too.”

“
I know.” She
curtsied. “Ryan said his heart stopped beating when he saw
me.”

“
Aw.” Emily and I
said.

“
I know.” Alana
walked over. “He’s really sweet. So, you’re all ready
then?”

“
Yep.”

“
And you have
something old?” She touched my veil.

“
Uh-huh, and
something new.” I nodded down at my dress.

“
Okay, here’s
something borrowed.” Emily clasped her silver bracelet over my
wrist—over the scar David left.

“
Well, that just
leaves something blue.” I searched the room, half expecting to see
the bookshelf behind my bedroom door where I used to keep a
bluebird pin my mother gave me when I was little.

“
Um, Ara?” Vicki
stood nervously behind Emily. “I—I have something blue.”

When Em stepped aside,
Vicki reached across the pale beam of sunlight and placed something
cold and kind of heavy in my hand, cupping hers there for a second.
“My mother gave this to me on my wedding day—when I married your
father.”

I hesitated to look
down at it, keeping my gaze on her teary eyes for longer than
needed. But when I finally unfolded my fingers, I gasped, seeing
the blue perfection there. “Vicki! This is beautiful.”