Darkening Chaos: Book Three of The Destroyer Trilogy (19 page)

An
hour later, I begin to worry, my already fried nerves making me jump at every
sound. I try to distract myself by looking for something to calm my rumbling
stomach. It doesn’t work because the idea of eating makes me nauseous, and
because Braden has almost no food in his house. I abandon the idea. He’ll be
home soon, I tell myself. He’s never not come back at night. I just have to
wait him out, and then I’ll get my chance to convince him to listen to me. That
scares me almost as much as the idea of seeing Braden again. I don’t know if
I’ll be able to convince him to come back to our group after what I did to him.

I
might have worried about Blackwood or Drake having grabbed him if I weren’t
getting text message updates on the Guardians’ activities every few hours.
Blackwood is still at the compound, and even though no one has seen Drake
today, I can’t imagine Blackwood wouldn’t be with him if he had Braden. What I really
start to worry about is that Braden may have decided to go out of town. If I
have to come back again tomorrow night, I will, but eventually the neighbors
are going to notice me breaking into his house. I silently pray he’ll come back
tonight as I sit down to wait. Right away, I know sitting is a mistake. I’m so
tired after spending most of last night trying and failing to follow Drake. I
can’t make my tired body get back up, so I turn on the TV to try and help me
stay awake. The sounds of a pointless sitcom wash against me soothingly as the
sun starts to drop behind the houses.

***

The sound of a gun being
cocked snaps me out of a fitful sleep. My eyes blink open to darkness and
flashing lights. The TV is still on, screwing up my ability to focus my eyes. I
can’t see anything, but I can hear breathing—nervous, twitchy breathing.

Oh
no. I don’t move, or breathe, or say a word. I can’t believe I fell asleep and
the sound of the garage door motor didn’t wake me up. Braden is going to shoot
me if I make a sound. This was a really bad idea.

Think,
think! There has to be a way to let him know it’s me without freaking him out
and making him shoot me. Suddenly, the TV winks out. My heart rate skyrockets.
It’s a tactical move to put Braden in control. Not only is he more familiar
with the layout of this room, he knows where he’s at right now, and a general
idea of where I’m at, but if I were to get up and try to run I would likely
stumble over something, giving him the chance to attack me. Plus, I
really
can’t see anything now. My eyes are still trying to adjust, while he probably
closed his own eyes before the TV turned off to let them acclimate faster. I
have to do something quick, or this is going to end very badly for me.

The
muzzle of a gun presses against my temple and I realize it’s too late.

My
mouth opens to stop him from shooting me when he moves and trips over
something. I see this as my chance. “Braden, please don’t shoot,” I beg, hoping
his distraction from tripping will keep him from reacting on impulse.

“Libby?”
Braden gasps.

The
lights flip on, and I jump up from the couch and hold my hands out to keep him
from doing something stupid. He just stares at me with his gun still pointed at
my chest. “It’s me, Braden. I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I’m sorry.”

His
eyes drop to his gun. He looks surprised to find himself pointing it at me and
lowers it. When he looks back up at me, he is just as angry as I feared he
would be.

“What
the hell are you doing in my house?” he shouts. “I thought someone had broken
in. I was about to shoot you! What were you thinking?”

“I’m
sorry, Braden. I was waiting for you to get home. I thought you’d be back hours
ago. I guess I fell asleep waiting. I would have turned on some lights, or met
you outside or something if I hadn’t fallen asleep. I’m really sorry,” I say in
a single breath.

He
shakes off his surprise, but I didn’t actually answer his question. “Why are
you here?”

“I
had to talk to you. You can’t stay here by yourself anymore. It isn’t safe,” I
say. “Drake is going to come back, and …”

He
interrupts me before I can tell him about the Socius.

“I
don’t need you to protect me.” His words are sharp and quick, to match the
change in his expression. “And you had no right to break into my house. This is
my home,” he snaps, “not some place for you to hone your lock picking skills.”

His
outrage that I used what he taught me to get to him flares around me, igniting
my own frustration and anger. “And what, you had the right to break into my motel
room? How is this any different? You thought it was funny! And you did it for a
lot less of a reason than I did. You just wanted to corner me into telling you
what happened with Casey. I have a real reason, Braden. You’ve shut yourself up
here like a hermit, but that doesn’t mean everything you were fighting a few
weeks ago has disappeared. I’ve still been neck-deep in it all! You left me to
deal everything it without you. But I need you,” I say. “There’s this story we
found. It talked about this person who was supposed to help me, and …”

“And
what? You think I’m that person?” His hand slashes in front of his chest.
“Well, I’m not. I’m not anything anymore. I can’t help you or anyone else.
Everything is different now.”

“No,
it isn’t. I still need you, more than ever,” I say. “If you’ll just let me
explain.”

Moving
further away from me, he drops his gun on the end table and shoves up the
sleeve of his right arm. “You took away everything that would have let me help
you,” he says harshly.

My
body shivers in the face of his attack. He doesn’t understand how true his
words are like I do, but the pain he feels from losing everything he was is
heavy enough. “I couldn’t kill you. I couldn’t let anyone else kill you,
either, even if it meant leaving you talentless.”

“You
think this was a better choice?” he demands. “What’s the point of being alive
when I’m completely useless? What good am I to anyone anymore? You made the
choice for me. I didn’t ask for this!”

“I’m
sorry,” I snap, “but I didn’t exactly have time to stop and ask your opinion on
the matter! You were trying to crush my windpipe at the time, if I remember
correctly! It was either kill you, or take your talents and free you of your
promises and Oath. I thought I was making the right choice!”

His
body explodes into motion, flinging his hands out from his body and spinning
away from me to let out a growl of frustration so deep it rumbles in my bones.
He turns back around and glares at me. “Maybe you were wrong! What am I
supposed to do now?”

“Stop
acting like a baby, for one!” I yell at him.

My
tone and words momentarily shock him. “What?”

“You
heard me,” I snap. “Stop acting like a whiny brat and figure it out. Milo
survived without talents. He wasn't the first Cipher to ever run from the
Guardians, either. You’re not helpless! Sure, you don’t have the Speed and
Strength you used to, but I saw you fend off Blackwood. You’re still strong.
You’re still capable of doing whatever you want to do.”

“No,
I’m not. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’ve never had to live a
single day without talents. You can’t possibly understand this.”

My
frustration reaches its limit. “Would you rather be dead?” I yell at him.

His
jaw tightens, but he doesn’t say anything. I know he won’t admit that. Braden
is a fighter. He may be taking a break to throw himself a pity party at the
moment, but it would drive him insane to just give up and admit defeat. He
wants to keep fighting. He just doesn’t know how anymore. My heart breaks to
see him so lost, so angry at me for taking everything away. I falter, wanting
so badly to ease his anguish.

“I
can’t help you, no matter what you say, and I don’t think you believe that, either,”
Braden says quietly, “so why are you really here?”

 He’s
in danger. My destiny is in danger. Maybe the whole world is in danger. He’s
the only one that can help me. A million reasons for being here all fade away
in the face of his pain. All but one. It slips out before I can stop myself.

“I
miss you,” I say. My hand snaps over my mouth and I close my eyes. I shouldn’t
have said that. My head shakes back and forth. I never should have come here!
Thoughts of Milo assault me for my infidelity. I knew coming here would break
me … but I came anyway.

Pain
wrinkles Braden’s expression at my words. His fingers tighten into fists as he
looks away from me. I don’t know what that means, but suddenly I begin to
understand my own heart and mind. The realization makes my hands, my body
tremble. I didn’t come here because Braden may be the only one who can stop
Howe from winning and ending my life. I didn’t come because he is in danger and
my conscience will never forgive me if I let him die. Braden’s pain and anger
wash over me. His spirit brushes mine. His presence wraps around me. Everything
becomes so overwhelming in this one moment of purest truth.

I
came here tonight because I can’t live without him.

Braden
stares at me, unmoving as my eyes fill with tears. I love Milo, but in this
moment of choice, I know I can never go back to him. I don’t want to lose his
love, his friendship. The idea of hurting him after he has given me so much
makes me sick, but I can’t stay with him knowing he would only ever be my second
choice. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than me. The quiet
pain of losing threatens to spill over as tears, but I hold it close and let it
singe me. The wounds it leaves will stay with me forever, but I accept the
scars along with my choice.

I
look up at Braden, pleading for a response to my admission, desperate for him
to tell me I haven’t lost both of the men I love. His stony face is impossible
to bear. “Say something,” I beg him.

Pain
drips off of him like tears. His arms fold across his chest as his silence
settles over me.

I
can’t hold my emotions in any longer. My chest heaves as a devastated sob
bursts out of me. Braden flinches in surprise, but he stays where he is. My
knees buckle and I fall back to the couch. When my head drops, my hair falls
forward and attempts to hide my misery. I have finally given in to what my
heart wanted from the moment we met, but I resisted too long.

I
break under the truth of it.

Through
my pain, I ask, “Is fighting the Guardians really the only reason you can think
of to make you come back to me?”

I
look back up at him and wish my own raging emotions weren’t completely messing
up my ability to sense his now. His shocked expression gives away little. He
promised. I push myself back up from the couch and face him. He promised he
loved me. Did that really break, too, when I took his talents?

“I
know we don’t have that intense connection of being Companions anymore, but I
thought … I didn’t think you would forget me that easily. I thought what you
said and felt was real,” I say quietly.

This
is the punishment for my weakness. I don’t deserve the happiness Braden could
bring me.

“I
can’t be with you anymore,” Braden says with a stiff expression. Pain bunches
his hands into fists, and I can see the corner of his mouth twitching very
slightly. My tears slow and my eyes turn searching, hoping, praying that I am
wrong. It couldn’t have been a lie.

“You
don’t love me anymore?” I ask, begging for the truth. I have to know. My first
two fingers press against his wrist, the secret reminder he used to give me of
his promised love.

“No
… I can’t, not anymore.”

My
hands press against his chest, making his body tighten even more. I let them
slide up his shoulders, neck, landing on his face and forcing him to really
look at me. Now I don’t need my talents. I’m sure I can see the hidden need
pulsing inside of him.

It
had to be real. Please, let it be real.

I
lift up on my toes and bring my mouth close to his, and say, “I don’t believe
you.”

My
lips touch his … and nothing. He stays stiff and unmoving in my grip. Panic
that this was all a fantasy crushes me. I falter and fall back on my heels. He
turns away and refuses to look at me. Our contact broken, all of the pain and
heartache and longing of the past two weeks swallows me in its tidal wave of
agony. I can’t unmake my choice. I will tell Milo I came here tonight. I will
tell him I can’t be with him anymore. I chose Braden. I gave him my heart, but
he doesn’t want it anymore. I know I’m crying again, but I can’t feel the
tears. This was a mistake. A big, terrible mistake.

I
turn and make for the door. My hand fumbles for the doorknob. I hesitate,
thinking maybe I can change Braden’s mind, make him reconsider. The idea bursts
as another sob escapes my lips. I can’t force him to take me. I won’t let
myself try. I can’t bear staying here knowing he doesn’t want me and maybe never
did. I finally get the door open and bolt through it to my car. I’m twisting
the key in the ignition as I try to pull the door closed. Something catches my
arm. Desperation to get away makes me pull against the door, but I am yanked
out of the car before I can barricade myself inside. I whip around and find
myself faced with a tortured Braden.