Deadly Expectations (37 page)

I heard Paul sigh.
 
“I don’t think she liked the reaction we got at lunch.
  
She isn’t that bothered by what they think about her but she’d worry about what they think of me.”

He was right.
 
I had a fair idea what they thought of me and I could really care less.
 
I was more interested in keeping things right with Paul.
 
I’d weakened him in the eyes of his men.
 
No doubt of that.
 
If I left again he would have to know.
 
I would have to find a way to make it his decision to let me go either by agreeing or ending it.
 
She said he would forgive me.
 
I had to trust in that.

“Paul,” Ray said, “She was … reading the relations in the family at dinner.”

“She was what?”
 
Paul exclaimed then lowered his voice.
 
“My father can do that a bit, a couple of the others, but nobody we found this time.
 
How do you know she was doing it?”

“She was asking me questions about them,” Ray said.

“I’m really sorry Ray.”
 
I could hear the regret in his voice.
 
“She wouldn’t know not to talk about it with you.
 
Every other time she’s been a child … she’s part grown up this time and I keep getting surprised by it.”

“At least she was discrete,” Ray said.
 
“I think she was trying to distract herself from Rice.
 
It didn’t take her long to pick out the ones she was interested in.
 
It pleased her like she had a new toy or something.
 
I finally told her I wasn’t having that talk with my sister and she seemed to get it.
 
At least she stopped the running commentary.”

“Are you sure nobody else heard?”

“Yes,” Ray said.
 
“She was careful.”

I felt Paul’s hand on my shoulder.

“Did she say anything about where she was?”
 
I could hear the darkness creeping into his voice, just a bit, and I desperately wanted to wake up and speak but I still couldn’t move.

“Denis asked her where she had been when you were passed out on the couch after she brought you back.
 
She refused to answer.
 
Then last night she apologized.
 
She said that she didn’t really know where she had been.
 
You’ll have to ask her … maybe she’s waiting for a chance to talk to you about it.

“I measured her yesterday.
 
She’s still about twenty weeks pregnant.
 
When she phoned from the road she was surprised that it’s January … she said she had only been gone a couple of hours.
 
I would agree.
 
But then why didn’t she come back the same night?”

“She said she knew to find me where I needed her most,” Paul said heavily.
 
I heard his gun move on the table.
 
“I had given up on her, Ray.
 
My connection to her … she didn’t feel dead, but it wasn’t alive either.
 
I was about to pull the plug when I passed her at the side of the road.

“I thought I was imagining her but I put the gun down and stopped.
 
It took a minute looking back but I could make her out walking toward me in the tail lights even in the snow.
 
Her hair smelled like summer and when I got her in the truck her clothes were damp with sweat.
 
The cold wind was sucking the heat from her.
 
She wouldn’t have lasted long.”

Wake up wake up wake up!
 
I shouted in my head and was able to stretch my fingers under the blanket.

“Paul?” I managed to whisper.
 
I felt his weight shift on the bed as he leaned toward me.

“Hey,” Paul said softly.
 
“You’re awake.”

“I’ve been awake for a while … I just couldn’t move.”

“Oh.”
 
He sounded like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

“I didn’t hear anything I didn’t know already,” I told him and clumsily rolled over.
 
He was sitting up in the bed.
 
Ray was in the chair.

“Okay,” he said but he wasn’t convinced.

“Morning Ray,” I said.

“Morning Kiddo,” he answered.

“You want to know where I was … I was with the person I said I was,” I told them quietly.
 
“Maybe an hour or two.
 
I wasted a lot of time just finding the place when I got there.
 
It was so hot … dirt roads and corn everywhere.
 
By the time I was aware the jump was over there was sweat running out of the helmet into my coat.
 
I was soaked … I must have been standing there for a while.
 
I stuffed the coat in my bag so it didn’t get a chance to dry.
 
I don’t think that would have helped anyway.
 
My clothes were still damp when I left.

“I don’t know where I was.
 
I know I travelled twenty-five years forward to see our daughter and he said I travelled twice that to see him.
 
Backward I suppose judging by the way he was dressed.
 
He was condescending and a little mean.
 
Treated me like a kid even though he was a lot younger than me but I put up with it.
 
He tried to explain how he measures travel but I don’t think I really understood it.
 
There’s location and time and maybe something else I’m missing but I’m not sure what it could be.
 
He said I couldn’t stay long because it was so far.

“He told me what I was made for, about the family, how it grows.
 
He told me what’s wrong with it now and how it used to be.
 
That it needs to be that way again.
 
He said I had broken a lot of rules.
 
The worst being giving you a daughter who already has the gifts of a son … but she’s important to healing the family just the way she is.

“By the time I left he seemed sorry.
 
I think he made me the way I am.
 
He said he was a coward for sending me off to do something he wouldn’t do himself.
 
He said to go to you when you needed me the most … I don’t think I would have made it back without that to focus on.

“If you hadn’t given up on me yet Paul, you would still be waiting,” I told him.
 
“I’m so sorry.
 
When I left I expected I would come back about the same time like with all the other trips … the missed time would all be for me, not you.”

Paul put his hand on my cheek but he didn’t say anything.

“Can I trust that man?” I asked.
 
Just because Pilot confirmed some things that Paul already told me didn’t mean I should trust him too.

Ray shrugged.

“I don’t know,” Paul said.
 
I could hear the shadows of his anger with me in his voice again.
 
“Did he tell you anything else?”

“Nothing consequential,” I told him.
 
“If you want me to tell you later why I left I will but it doesn’t change the path before me now and I’ve already told you what that is.”

I waited until his fingers started to stroke my cheek.

 
“Did he tell you about Rice?”

“Some.
 
Denis and Ross will be up in a bit to brief me.”

“Do I have to stick around for that?”

“I would appreciate it if you did,” Paul said.

I sighed.
 
Then I told him what the others already knew to save time.

“I don’t trust my judgement Paul.
 
Other than a couple of bad trips there’s nothing I can put my finger on at all.
 
Maybe Ray was right.
 
I’ve just been through too much.
 
What if I react to Rice, to some danger that’s not really there and I hurt him?
 
What if it’s all in my head?”

I got up and put my gun on.
 
I could hear Ross and Denis at the bottom of the stairs.
 
“I’m skipping breakfast and going for some fresh air instead.”

“Anna, just wait a minute.
 
Please?” Paul asked.

I sighed and waited.
 
Paul came and put his arms around me.
 
“Please wait,” he whispered again.
 
I could feel him start to relax as I slipped my arms around him.

When Ross and Denis came in he only loosened his grip.
 
It was another reminder of how much I had damaged his trust in me.

Ross’s briefing started with a recap of the watches.
 
Nothing happened except someone had the flu so Ray quarantined him and they had to pull a replacement.
 
Turned out quarantine was downstairs.

“Does he really have to have the flu in the house the pregnant woman lives in?”
 
I wanted to know.
 
Ray decided he didn’t.

Ross went on about the watches anyway.
 
I yawned as my attention drifted.
 
The next thing I new I realized that Ross was an independent as I had come to think of them.
 
Unrelated to any of the others.
 
I hadn’t meant to probe but nobody seemed to notice.
 
Denis on the other hand was very similar to Paul.
 
I decided to try and remove the things that were similar and see what was left so I turned slightly so I was facing Paul hoping Ray wouldn’t notice what I was doing.

Another yawn came so I covered my mouth but I left my finger tips just under my nose.

Gradually Paul faded from what was left under my fingers.
 
My eyes were closed again and I could feel them trying to roll up as my brain worked beneath them.

“Anna!”
 
Ray whispered sharply.

Ross paused.
 
Paul looked at me so I yawned again.

“Sorry.
 
I’m still tired,” I said but I kept brushing my fingers on my upper lip.

Ross started talking again; nobody shipping out, nobody shipping in, supply run done while Paul was away …

When I saw what was left it didn’t surprise me at all.
 
It was why I could keep him in line and still get along with him.
 
It was why
Reno
felt more like a family trip than anything else.
 
I had spent four days with my husband, my brother, and my son.
 
Denis had been mine.
 
Mine and Paul’s.

I felt a little grin on my face and a bit of laughter starting but I pressed my lips together and put my hand down.

“Stop it!” Ray hissed at me.
 
I didn’t look up to see what Paul thought.
 
He knew damn well what I was doing as much as Ray did.
 
Ross stopped again, puzzled.

“What?” I said.
 
Then I sneezed into my elbow.
 
And I sneezed again.
 
“Excuse me.”
 
The sneezing continued and I hid in the bathroom until it stopped.
 
They were starting to talk about Rice when I got out.

“Anna, anything to add about Rice?”
Paul asked.

I shook my head.
 
“Nothing more than what I said this morning.”

“So where are we at now Ross?” Paul asked.