Deadly Expectations (39 page)

“I knew you would want me to let him go, to be safe.
 
But how many more times can you live to see him kill me and your child?”

Something I didn’t recognize flashed on his face for a moment.
 
Anguish?
 
Guilt?
 
I had no idea.

“How many more times can you kill me to keep me from having his?” I whispered.

He put his shaking hands on his face and turned his back to me.

“Yes Paul … I know about that,” I told him gently.
 
“I also know it never used to be that way.
 
Damian changed the rules.
 
When he’s gone the infighting will stop.
 
I’m not going to be the prize breeding stock in some twisted capture the flag game any more.
 
Catherine remembered what kind of lover he was … we’ve chosen you.”

Paul was trying to keep his shoulders still.
 
I put a hand on his back and he took a deep breath.

“You’ve become a father with me before,” I told him.
 
“Do you remember?”
 
I wasn’t going to tell him about the man in the woods.

He took a moment to pull himself together.
 
“No.”

“Yes,” I said.
 
“Someone here … I read us both in him.”

“Really?” he asked.

“He won’t be our last.
 
I’m going to make sure of that,” I told him.
 
Then I pulled on his shoulder and turned him to me.
 
There were still tears on his cheeks and he quickly wiped them off.
 
His anger was gone.

“He will come for me.
 
I can count on that.
 
We have the same deadline.
 
I won’t be able to finish him after she’s born.
 
When he comes … I’ll need to ask you to step back and let me do my job.
 
Give me a chance.”

He put his arms around me and held me close.
 
I had to turn a little sideways now to hold him.

“I’m just grateful to have you back now,” he said.
 
“I love you Anna.
 
I missed you more than you will ever know.”

“I love you too Paul.
 
I’m so sorry I made such a mess of things.”

“I know you are,” he told me.
 
“Don’t leave me alone in the dark like that again.”

“Not again,” I promised.

We walked back to the house and spent the rest of the morning in our room sleeping, talking, and making up.

Chapter 33

“Lunch,” Paul said.
 
He wasn’t inviting me; we’d noticed the sounds in the kitchen.
 
“I know you don’t want to but it’s important they start seeing me back in one piece.
 
And you with me.”

I pressed my face back into the little corner where his neck met his shoulder and sighed.
 
I put my lips there to try and change the subject.
 
“This is one of my favourite parts of you …” Then I reached around him and pulled myself in tight at his side, wrapping myself around him.
 
He let me have my way for a while.

“Ray and I will walk you out if you start to feel unwell again,” he said, but he was close to giving in.
 
“Damn you’re persistent,” he laughed as he rolled to face me, putting some space between us.

“Only as much as I have to be … you’re not always easy,” I laughed back.
 
“Why doesn’t someone just say something to him when he starts to gap out?
 
Ask him what’s on his mind?”

“I can do that,” Paul said.

“And we have a trip to plan.”

“I thought you were kidding about that Anna.
 
He’s not here this time.
 
He would be here if he was.”

“I wouldn’t kid about your father … that man … said he exists in our time,” I told him.
 
“I’m sure I can find him.
 
If I miss I can sleep it off then we’ll come home or try again.
 
I can take you and anything or anyone else you want to fit in the truck.”

He thought about it.
 
“How long can we stay?”

“Weeks I think.
 
That last trip to
Toronto
was three and I didn’t come back because I ran out of time like this last one.”

“Okay, soon.
 
Anna … will you tell me who the son is?
 
The man you mentioned at the pond?”

I hesitated.
 
“I don’t want to run over any more taboos.”

“It’s okay because I asked you … and we’re not talking about someone else’s relations,” he reassured me.

“You probably already suspect … it made perfect sense to me when I read it,” I told him.
 
“I think he’s your favourite … I know he’s mine … besides you and Ray of course.”

Paul closed his eyes and thought.
 
Then he smiled.
 
“Of course … you’re the only one who can manage Denis better than I can.
 
Now that I know I can feel that connection to him too.”

“You’re not going to tell him are you?” I asked.
 
“I don’t want to embarrass him.”

“I don’t know if it’s okay for you to tell him or not,” Paul sighed.
 
“Another question for my father, he knows all those rules.
 
I can’t see where the mother would ever have been aware before to even bring it up.
 
But I know I can.
 
Can he talk to you about it if he wants to?”

“Of course,” I said.
 
“My idea of family is probably very different from yours … I don’t know what sort of attachment you have.
 
To me being a mother is a deep honour.
 
A gift that I’ll spend my life working to be worthy of.
 
He might get more than he bargains for knowing who I am.”

Paul kissed my forehead.
 
“No, your idea of family is not so different at all.”

“Thank you,” I said.
 
“Paul, what did you tell your parents?”

“Joshua told them I shipped out for a while and you went to stay with your sister.”
 
Paul looked sad.
 
“He just went ahead and did it … I was mostly oblivious to what day it was.
 
You missed your birthday too.”

I put my arm around him and moved in closer, this time just to be close.
 
“I’m so sorry about that … I just keep finding more things I screwed up.”

He hugged me back.
 
“Having you here in my bed again makes up for a lot of the things we missed.”

I tucked my head in under his chin.
 
“I think it’s time we headed downstairs.
 
It’s sounding noisy down there.”

“Mmm, you’re right,” Paul said.
 
“I’ll look after you down there.”

“If I startle in my seat or start to cough it’s time for me to leave the table, okay?
 
Or if I do anything else weird.
 
I’m really worried I’ll over react and hurt someone.”

“I know.”
 

Downstairs smelled almost overwhelmingly of pine cleaner.
 
I guessed that Ray moved his sick soldier somewhere else and disinfected everything.
 
From the bottom of the stairs I could see the door to the first aid room was open and the bed was made.
 
Ray was just going in.

“Paul … I think I asked too much of someone back in November and I need to smooth things over.”

“I think you’re right … I’ll save seats for you two.”

“Thanks,” I said and went down the hall to face Ray.

I couldn’t see him through the partly opened door.
 
He was behind it where the supplies were so I knocked and called his name.

“Yeah Anna, come on in.”

I had my arms gently crossed with nervousness and was absently rubbing my elbow when I stepped around the door and out of sight from the hallway.
 
He noticed and came right over taking my arm.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Oh, I didn’t realize I was doing that.”
 
I gently took my arm back.
 
“Do you have a few minutes?
 
I need to talk to you about something I did.”

He stiffened and started to look uncomfortable so I shook my head.
 
“Something I did quite a while ago.”

“Okay,” he said, looking at my arm like he would rather be dealing with an injury.

He stood close so I studied his face.
 
I could make out the faint pink scar under his eye and another little one running up into his bottom lip.
 
I cautiously reached up and ran my finger along the one on his cheekbone.
 
He looked away but he didn’t stop me.
 
Then I touched the one on his lip.

“When I asked you to let me go I had no idea what I was asking of you,” I said quietly.
 
“Or that you would stand up for me with Paul … that it would test your friendship.
 
I’m grateful and surprised and truly very sorry.
 
It was short sighted of me and inconsiderate.
 
I understand if I have to work to earn your respect back … to undo hurting you.
 
You’ve been nothing but gracious toward me since I got back and I don’t feel that I’ve earned it.
 
I just wanted you to know that I’m thankful for having you and deeply sorry.”

He looked back at me and put his hands on my shoulders.

“Anna,” he said.
 
“You don’t have to apologize.”

“I already did and I’m not taking it back.
 
I can’t promise that I’m going to stay out of trouble but I will always appreciate you and come out okay.”

“Okay Kiddo,” he said.
 
“I’ve never been able to do anything for you like this … you’ve always been just Paul’s.
 
I’m enjoying knowing you … don’t move”

He went quietly to the door and peered down the hall then he closed it.
 
When he came back he stood behind me and put his hands back on my shoulders.

“Don’t turn,” he whispered.
 
“It’s easier for me like this.”

“Okay Ray,” I said and I waited.

“Was he … really my father?” he asked.

“I believe he is,” I told him.
 
His fingers squeezed my shoulders briefly and relaxed.

“Most of us gave up on our mates a long time ago.
 
Damian made it so hard.
 
Paul didn’t give up though.
 
I saw what he went through with you every time.
 
He changed … became cold about it like Damian.
 
But after Catherine something was different about him.
 
He started to love you again … like he used to a long time ago but he was losing the strength to keep going the way that he had been.
 
Like so many of us had already he was close to giving up.

“He found you this time … quite by accident.
 
Usually when we find our mates when we’re young … twenty is late.
 
He assumed that he wouldn’t find you this time … it happens … so we went away overseas to serve.
 
Improve our skills, experience new things.
 
You’re so much younger than him this time.
 
You would have been much too young when he was twenty.
 
He had his own life instead of running off to be with you like if he had found you at nineteen.
 
I think he tried to let you go but you came to him here and he realized he couldn’t.
 
He’s not like Damian any more.
 
He just needs to be with you.”