Deadly Expectations (38 page)

Ross hesitated and looked at me.

“Sorry Paul.
 
This is where I leave or kick you all out.
 
I don’t want to be here for it.”

“She threw us all out last night,” Ross explained.

Paul sighed.

“Ray, can I have the radio please?
 
I’ll step out for a bit.
 
If you need me for anything let me know and I’ll come back.”
 
I tipped my head up and kissed Paul.
 
“I won’t be far.”

The road south was empty so I walked down to the bend and then straight into the trees.
 
The branches had kept the ground somewhat clear of snow and I had no trouble keeping my path straight.

The pond was frozen over still.
 
New snow and the uneven ground hid any evidence of what had happened when Paul and his men went to stop the last two of Damian’s men.
 
I stayed away from the edge; the slope down to the ice.
 
I wasn’t in the mood to slip down the hill and to try the ice out for myself.
 
I could see where my daughter and I sat at the shore and I made my way to where Ray had put me.
 
A tree protected much of the ground from the snow so I sat down there to look out at the pond.
 
It was strange to think I might spend eternity here.

“Whiskey Romeo,” Paul’s voice crackled out from the radio.

“Romeo Whiskey,” I answered.

“What’s your twenty Romeo?” he asked.

I remembered Ross saying that it wasn’t secure so I replied.
 
“Where she took me.”

“Copy, Whiskey out.” Paul said.
 
He understood.

As I waited something behind me got my attention.
 
It was like Damian’s smudges but weak, like a memory.
 
It was the third one; the one that disappeared with the explosion I’d heard from the house.
 
Maybe they hadn’t found all of him.
 
Curiosity got the better of me and I got up and walked toward the source of the memory tugging at me.
 
It wasn’t far, maybe thirty feet in, away from the clearing but the ground seemed rougher, the snow deeper, and it felt like it took a long time to get to the spot where he died.

The little space under my nose told me that the man was definitely very similar to Damian.
 
Not just loyal to him as I had thought before.
 
I started to remove Damian from what I picked up about the man.

“Anna?” Paul was calling me.
 
I realized the ground had been clear where I entered the trees so he wouldn’t have been able to see where I went.

“Over here,” I called back and kept removing Damian from under my nose.
 
I could hear Paul stomping through the snow until he came around and stopped in front of me.

“Hmm,” I said and looked up at him.
 
The man was mine; so twisted up with Damian’s darkness that I didn’t like what was left behind.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked as I started to sneeze again.
 
Maybe there was something left behind from what I was doing that my body was trying to remove.
 
Maybe it was all in my head.

“I’ve never been here before … I wanted to see the pond before I get put here forever.
 
Then this got my attention.”

Paul rubbed his palm on his face.
 
“How did you find it?”

“Given what happened to him,” I shrugged.
 
“There was no way they could have found all the pieces.
 
Once I was down here I picked it up like I did when they were coming.
 
There was enough left behind for that.”

He stepped closer.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said softly.
 
Then he shuddered.
 
“I don’t even want to be here.”

“There’s nothing to fear here.
 
Ray told you what I was doing at dinner.”

“Yes,” he agreed.

“I was doing the same thing here …
  
I get the feeling it’s something deeply personal and I embarrassed Ray last night,” I said.
 
“I won’t even apologize to him again if that’s going to make it even worse.”

Paul looked uncomfortable.
 
“Just don’t bring it up with him again unless he does first, okay?”

I nodded.
 
“It’s instinctive.
 
I don’t realize I’ve done it until it’s done.
 
Maybe it’s defensive.
 
So I know who is safe to be around and who’s not.
 
I won’t talk about it again unless I find someone who’s a problem.”

“You said your father can do it a bit … can he also see who their mother was?”

Paul looked away like Ray had at dinner.

“I won’t say any more … will you at least fill me in on what etiquette I stepped all over and give me the heads up if there’s any other way I can make a fool of myself?”

“Yes,” Paul took my arm to take me back to the pond but I stayed put.

“Was Rice with you that night?”
 
I asked.

Paul nodded.

“Did he blow this man up?”

“No, but he was the first to get to him after,” Paul said.

“Legs?”
I asked.
 
“Like I saw last night?”

“No.
 
Let’s go.”

“Damn … I thought I might have it solved.”
 
I said.
 
“I’m done here.”

I thought since the man was
mine
then maybe I was seeing it through Rice.
 
Like an amplifier of what was left here.
 
But the death I saw through Rice was more than one person and I was no further along than at dinner the night before.

We made our way back out to the clearing, to where our markers would be one day.
 
Paul took my hand and stopped, looking out toward the pond.

“I knew you were up to something,” he told me.
 
His voice was quiet, flat, like the emptiness I’d left him with inside.
 
“Ray said he would come up to the house.
 
He would watch you.
 
I can’t let you go after that man alone, no matter how capable you think you are.
 
I got through my whole watch … not a word from him.
 
He was there when I got back he didn’t say anything.
 
I went upstairs and you were gone.
 
Just your letter waiting for me.

“I thought you had disappeared right out from our room.
 
I ran down and told him you were gone … I asked if he’d heard anything.
 
He said he followed you to the garage … he let you go.
 
You took a bike and disappeared on it.”

I could hear anger coming now.
 
He’d been trying to control it but he was losing.

“I lost it with him.
 
I hit him, hard.
 
He stayed up and fought back.”
 
His fingers tightened around my hand as more of the anger came back.

“Ray tried to explain that you should be back soon … that you probably wouldn’t be long … but you shouldn’t have gone in the first place.
 
I went upstairs to wait for you.
 
You never came back.”
 
As pain replaced the anger his hand started to relax around mine and I could feel the circulation returning to my finger tips.

“I drank a lot.
 
It seemed to help.
 
It was weeks before I could look at Ray without wanting to smash him again …” I waited for him to continue.

“Finally I sobered up enough for a while to apologize to him.
 
He was been as mad at me for putting you in a position of having to run off as I was at him for letting you go.
 
He blamed me.
 
He told me what you said to him when you left … he held out a lot more hope than I did that you were coming back.

“I thought you were dead.
 
It was hopeless.
 
It would be quicker to start over on the other side with you than it would be to live out my life waiting.
 
The small part of me that still believed you were okay was losing.
 
I took the truck and drove until that part was gone.

“You know what happened then.”

I nodded, even though he wasn’t looking at me.
 
Tears chilled my cheeks as the winter air cooled them.

“You knew for a while that you would have to go, didn’t you,” he said.

“Yes,” I whispered back.

“You didn’t think that I might have understood … might have supported you?”

“You still wouldn’t have found me again until you had given up … does it really matter now?”

He let go of my hand and turned to me.
 
He put his fingers under my chin and tipped my face up to his.
 
In the daylight I noticed the fine barely pink scar running along his brow bone into his eyebrow.
 
It must have been from their fight.
 
He was loud, but not as loud as he could have been.
 
“The reasons you don’t trust me matter more than ever now.”
 

“Paul … I … no, I don’t mistrust you.”

He looked away, shaking his head.
 
He didn’t believe me.

“There are a lot of things I can live without … a lot of things I don’t trust.”
 
I watched his face even though he looked away from me.
 
Then I put my hand on his cheek and pulled him to face me.
 
“You are not one of them.”

“Why did you keep it from me then?” he demanded.
 
He was so angry.

“Paul … I was so confused when I got here.
 
I heard you and Ray talking … you
were
only protecting the baby.
 
I didn’t understand how you could separate the two of us.
 
You would have to protect us both.
 
But I thought I could be a problem to you too.
 
I started making plans to leave on my own if I had to.

“I’d been independent for a long time … I lost that.
 
Being able to choose to stay was important to me because it will be a cold day in hell before I ever let you go again.”

His cold stare softened a bit, but not by much.

“The night you heard me talking in the mirror.
 
She can be so mean.
 
She’s told me terrible things to keep me out of trouble.
 
She told me you only want the baby.
 
That you were keeping things … things you would never tell me.
 
She said I would have to jump and get help but she didn’t say what she meant.
 
When I got back, she said, I should take you to your father.
 
I didn’t want to believe what she had to say … but I knew then that eventually I would have to get help.
 
And I knew that I would be back with you after.
 
That made it a little bearable but I hoped that there was some other way.

“Since then I figured a lot out myself.
 
You told me I was right.
 
About us … I know you’ll always look after me.

“It was when our daughter brought me here and told me what happened to us I realized that there were things I needed to know that you couldn’t tell me.
 
That I’m something new … nothing any of you had seen before and I could only save us by finding someone who knows what I am.