Dear Darling (18 page)

“I’m not feeling well. I didn’t realise the time. I’ll come down and make dinner soon.”

“You rest, I’ll sort it.” He kissed me on the forehead, lingering a few seconds longer than usual. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve not been right for a few weeks now.”

“Yeah, I think I’m just run down, I’ll be fine,” I lied, again. The lies kept coming and it killed me a little more every single time I uttered one.

“I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” I knew that meant when the takeaway was here. He stroked my hair away from my face and climbed off the bed, leaving me to think about everything. My mind was like an engine running on rocket fuel, speeding its way skyward towards the never-ending oblivion. Every single scenario flowed through it, each one punctured a giant hole inside my heart.

* * *

Christmas arrived, and I invited everyone. I wanted our entire family to come for what could be my last Christmas day. My parents drove in from Manchester; Shelley, Johnathon, Mel, and Martin all travelled over from Surrey; and Aaron, Jodie, and the kids came for the day. If this were going to be my last one, I was going to make sure it was the best one ever.

“Sweetheart, where is your gravy bowl?” my mum asked as I was rushing round the kitchen trying to plate the food.

“It’s in the cupboard above the oven,” I replied with a weak smile. What the hell was I thinking? I was exhausted, and I was trying to cook for fifteen people.

“I can’t find it.”

“It’s there, I know it is,” I said, moving around her and opening the cupboard. It wasn’t there. “Well, I don’t know where it is.” I whispered, crumpling to the floor and letting my head fell into my hands. Then I was crying. It was too much.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart. This isn’t like you,” my mother asked as she took a seat on the floor next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

“Nothing, I’m just tired. It’s been a long morning,” I lied again. They flowed so easily recently.

“Are you sure that’s all it is? You look so thin, are you eating properly? Is that job too much for you?” My mother had always worried, but this time she was worrying for a reason, she just didn’t know how bad it was. I was almost tempted to tell her. To lay the burden on someone else’s shoulders so that I could relax for just five minutes. Was it selfish of me to want someone to know so that they could take the strain?

“Mum . . .”

“Jodie asked where the aspirins are?” Eli said, poking his head around the door. “What’s wrong, Saff?” He had stopped short and was now looking at me with a mix of confusion and concern.

“Oh, nothing. I’m exhausted, that’s all. They’re in the medicine cabinet where they always are.” I gave him my best “I’m fine” look and stood, walking away to carry on with the food.

“What were you going to tell me,” Mum whispered after he left.

“Oh, nothing. I’ll tell you later.” I had no intention of telling her. My moment had gone. I had to do it alone and save the pain of as many people as I could.

The rest of the day was tiring but wonderful. As I sat in the armchair and watched my family and friends play with board games and chat with each other about the football, or what they were doing over New Year. I brushed away a tear that was threatening to fall before anyone could see it and closed my eyes. I prayed that I could get through the next few weeks before I put my plan into action. My plan to leave, without hurting them more than I already would. I decided to write a letter, a letter reminding him about how wonderful our life had been together. A letter that he could cherish after I’d gone.

His eyes. Those big, beautiful, chocolate-brown eyes, burn a hole straight through me. They leave a scar on my soul just like they did twenty-two years ago.

Why did I think I could run away from him?

We’ve been through so much. We’ve been through hell and back, and he has been there with me, holding my hand every single step of the way. Why did I think this would be any different? He’s angry with me, I know it. I would be furious if it had been him.

“Saff, why didn’t you tell me? Why did you leave it so long?” His voice quivers with emotion, which is a direct contrast to the anger in his eyes.

“I didn’t know how to tell you. We had been through so much already, I didn’t want to put you all through this too,” I say, my throat dry and burning.

“But, Saffron, we’re your family. We are meant to do this together. We love you.” I can feel the sting of the tears burning my cheek as they fall onto the pillow below me.

“I was scared, Eli. I’m still scared. I wanted to leave quietly. I didn’t want to put you through this. I thought it was for the best if I just left.”

“Left to go where?” A look of concern furrows his brow. I remain silent, not knowing what to tell him.

How do I tell him?

“Saffron, where were you going to go?” His voice raises an octave.

“I just wanted to go quietly, quickly.” He stands so swiftly the chair makes a screeching noise across the tiled floor. His hands rake through his hair as he paces back and forth across the room. I wait for him to stop and calm down before I say anything. I haven’t felt this alone and scared since after the attack when he left me.

Is he going to leave me again?

“Eli, speak to me,” I say when I can’t take the silence any longer.

“I don’t know what to say to you. I love you so much, but right now, I’m just so angry with you. Angry that you didn’t tell me, angry that you waited so long for this test, and I’m just furious that you thought that you could leave us. Leave us and let us think that you didn’t love us. That you didn’t care enough about us to tell us the truth. Saffron, I can’t believe how selfish you’ve been.” His hand reaches for the door, and I panic.

He can’t leave me again.

Not again.

“Stop. Please don’t leave me again, please don’t.” The tears flood out of me like a stormy night as the raging whirlwind consumes my mind. “I was thinking of you and the children the whole time. I never stopped thinking of you. I didn’t want you to go through it all with me. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“You obviously weren’t thinking. If you were, you would know that me and the children would want to stand by you.” He sighs deeply. “We love you and would follow you to the ends of the earth.” His hands pull at his hair again. It’s the same length now as it was the first time I set eyes on him.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper around the lump of emotion gathering in my throat. He turns to look at me, the tears filling his eyes break me further. He’s slow and deliberate in his movements. His hands fall from his hair to his sides and his steps are slow. When he makes it to the bedside and takes a seat next to me, his eyes are soft with understanding.

“I wish you’d told me, but we can’t change the past. We just need to find out what to do next.” He pulls me into him and I cry into his chest, letting the emotions out. Everything that I’ve held in over the last three months pour out into his chest. We sit and cry, together. Holding each other for the longest time, praying that it’s not too late.

Eli pulls away from me, and his eyes puffy and red. I can feel his heart beating at double speed through his shirt as I place my hand on his chest.

“Can you feel that?” I whisper softly. He nods. “I want that to keep beating for our children. I want you to carry on.”

“You’re acting like you’re going to die.”

“Eli, I am.” He shakes his head furiously. His hands raking his face.

“No, no, no!” he shouts. “You’re not! You’re going to fight this. You’re going to fight for me, for us.” His eyes widen and his lips pull back in a snarl. “You are not giving up!” he shouts again.

“I might not have a choice.” My voice is barely audible.

“Don’t you dare.” He grips my arms, shaking me gently. “Don’t you dare give up on me. I won’t let you.” Tears stream down his face in waves. “I won’t let you,” he sobs, letting his arms drop. His face presses into my chest, and we sit there in silence for the longest time.

The silence is broken by the opening of the door. A man, who I haven’t seen before, greets me with a large smile. He looks way too happy to be coming into the room of a cancer patient.

What is wrong with these doctors?

“Hello, I’m Doctor Jacobs.” Well at least he didn’t say good morning. “How are you feeling this morning? It’s nice to see you awake.” Eli moves from my bed and takes the seat next to me before twisting his fingers though mine. Solid. United. He isn’t going to leave me.

“I’m okay. A bit tired, but okay.” I yawn.

“Are you the husband?” he questions Elias, who answers him with a nod. “Good. I want to talk to you both.”

“The doctor last night explained a little bit to me, but I couldn’t take it all in.” Eli says. The doctor nods slowly.

“It is a lot to handle all at once. I will break it down simply for you.” Eli squeezes my hand a bit tighter, waiting for the doctor to tell us my fate.

He looks at me, hope filling his eyes, but I can’t be hopeful. I can’t feel anything other than fear. There is no room left for anything else anymore, not even love.

How can that be true if I’m scared about my family watching me die?

How can I not have other emotions?

Yes, I’m scared of dying, but I’m more frightened of my family having to suffer through the horror of watching me die. That has to mean I have love left.

“As you are aware, Mrs Vale, you have stage one B cervical cancer. I believe that when you were told by the gynaecologist, you left the appointment, is that correct?” the doctor asks. I nod my head, looking over at my husband whose eyes have widened.

“Why did you leave, Saff?”

“I was scared, I didn’t know how to handle it, so I ran.” My chin falls to my chest, unable to look at my husband’s disappointed eyes. The doctor clears his throat, bringing both my and Eli’s attention back to him.

“There is good news and there is bad news.”

Well, the good news can’t be that good when I’m dying.

“Tell us the bad news first please,” Elias says, his voice straining. He is broken, but I can tell he’s trying to keep it together.

“The bad news is, if we had done the surgery in December when it was first found, you could have been well on your way to recovery by now.” He sighs.

“And the good news?”

“The good news is, as long as the cancer hasn’t spread since your last check-up, we can operate and remove it. You have a good chance Mrs Vale. You’re young and you’re healthy.” A tear falls down my face, bringing with it another emotion. Hope.

“What operation?”

“We will have to do a hysterectomy.” My eyes widen. I’ve never wanted any more children. In my mind I’m way too old now anyway. But, the thought of never having the choice saddens me. “Now, depending on the stage when we get there it will either be a total hysterectomy or a radical one. We don’t know right now. I want you to talk to your husband about it, discuss what you want to do, and I will come back and talk to you soon.” His pager bleeps, and he presses a button and stands.

“What are the risks, doctor?” Elias asks the questions that I’m too afraid to ask.

“Like any surgery there are always risks. The operation won’t be the end of it, she is most likely going to need treatment afterward. Radiotherapy or chemotherapy, but that is something that will be discussed after the treatment.” The doctor continues to list the risks associated with the surgery, and I watch Eli’s reaction closely. “The nurse will bring in a form for you to sign soon, and I’ll come back to discuss when we can operate later.” He leaves the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Turning to look at Eli, my heart does a little jump as I see the look on his face. Another emotion. Guilt.

“I’m so sorry,” I say, my voice cracking. He looks sadder than I’ve ever seen him before. In all our years together, and all our trials, tragedies, and troubles, I’ve never seen him this disappointed in me. Disappointment hurts like a bitch! I’d rather he be mad at me, furious even, but not disappointed.

“No point in being sorry, what’s done is done.” He stands and walks back over to the window.

“Oh my, oh Saffron.” The door opens and my mother comes running into the room followed by my father. The horrified look in her eyes makes the guilt come rushing back. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell anyone?” I can’t cope with the disappointment. Pulling the covers up over my head, I lie on the bed and hide away from everyone. “What is happening?” I hear her ask Eli.

“Why didn’t she tell you?” my father asks, his tone concerned.

“She didn’t tell anyone. She said she was scared,” Eli replies to my worried parents. I feel my mother’s gentle hand rubbing up and down my spine, but I don’t leave the security of the covers. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now, I hate the fuss. It is the reason I wanted to slip away quietly. It’s too late now. As I lie under the covers, escaping everyone’s questions, my mind starts to work overtime. I start to question myself.

What the hell was I thinking?

The doctor said I can beat this, but I was ready to give in, to end it all quickly and quietly.

Could I possibly fight this thing?

Could I win?

“Get the nurse in with those papers, I want to sign them now,” I say, throwing the covers off my head and sitting up straight, my eyes wide and clear for the first time in weeks. Everyone turns to look at me, their faces filled with confusion. “Why are you still standing there? Get the nurse, tell the doctor I want the op now.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t think it works like that.”

“I don’t care. I want it now. I need to have it done now.” I look to my husband. “Please, Eli. I’m sorry I waited, I don’t want to die. Please get them to take it out of me. I . . . I don’t want it inside me.” The tears stream down my face as the tiny gasps of air leave my mouth. My mum grips my hand tightly.

“I’ll go,” my dad says, leaving the room.

“Saff, please calm down. All this stress isn’t good for you. We will read the papers and sign them. Then we can see what the doctor says and go from there.” I don’t know how he can be so calm. My emotions are all over the place, fear has been replaced with, anger, sadness, guilt, and love. Love for my family. I hate seeing them like this, it’s as if my whole world is falling apart and everyone in it is being taken down with me.

“I’m so sorry. I thought I was going to die. I thought I’d left it too long for them to save me. I didn’t want to put you all through the pain. Everything that has happened to us, the attack, the miscarriage, your mum.” I look at Eli, my silent eyes telling him what I can’t say aloud while my mother is here. “All of those things have produced a scar on our already weary hearts, and this is the final battle scar. I wanted to protect you from it.”

“Saffron,” Eli says, walking towards me and sitting on the edge of the bed. “Every single one of those scars, I wear with pride. I wear them with pride because they are a reminder of my life. My life before you saved me, and my life after. We are soul mates, and we were always meant to wear them together. If we place our hearts together, all those scars would vanish, producing one perfect heart. You die, I die with you. I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person. I told you, I would walk to the end of the earth to be with you. I would put out the fires of hell to rescue you. I will always,” he takes a deep breath as the tears drip from his long lashes. “I will always be here with you, every single step of the way, accepting those scars with pride.” My mother sniffs and moves away from the bed to blow her nose as Elias pulls me into his arms, holding me tightly.

“I love you too, Elias. I thought I was doing the right thing.” We hold each other silently, the only sound coming from the sniffs of my mother sat in the corner. The silence is broken when the door opens and my father appears, followed by the nurse.