Dear Darling (14 page)

“Why was he sick?” Shelley looked up at her brother.

“You didn’t know, did you?”

“I haven’t had any contact with either of them since I left. Neither has Aaron.” Something flickered across her face, but it was gone in an instant. She looked at me, and I knew that there was more to this story than Eli knew.

“Dad died of cirrhosis nine years ago. He wouldn’t stop drinking, and they wouldn’t transplant because of it.” Eli’s eyes bulged wide, a small gasp left his mouth, and he stood and began pacing the room. “I’m sorry,” Shelley said, quietly. No one talked for the longest time. The air was thick with tension as Eli paced back and forth, his hands raking his hair.

“I hated that bastard for as long as I could remember,” he finally said, taking slow deep breaths. “When Aaron took me, it was the happiest day of my life. Aaron and Jodie gave me a good life away from that abusive, rapist drunk.” The words flowed out in anger, I looked at Shelley, who had recoiled at his word. Her mouth opened as she threw her hand towards it. Her eyes wide and shocked, flicking between Eli and me.

“He did what?” she asked, clearly shocked. Eli, coming out of his despondent state, looked at her, realising what he’d said. His mouth opened as if he were about to say something, but then he closed it and turned away. He moved fluidly towards the door without saying another word. “Saffron, what happened to him?” She was clearly clueless as to what had gone on before Aaron took him, and I was hesitant to tell her about it. “Tell me please, I have a right to know.”

“Your father raped him.” I sighed, my heart cracking.

“He couldn’t have?” She shook her head. “He never touched me, why would he do that?”

“Aaron found the bloody sheets the night he took him away. That’s why he left.”

“I . . . I . . . don’t know what to say.” She was stunned. His words had taken away the last bit of respect that she had for her father, and it hurt my heart to watch as she fell apart. “Why didn’t Mum kick him out?”

“She didn’t believe them, not even after Aaron showed her the sheets. She told them to get out, called them liars. Aaron saved him, put him back together, and turned him into the man he is now. Aaron has been more of a dad to him than your father could’ve ever been.” I could feel my heart rate spiking as the words left my mouth. The distain I had for the man I’d never met poured out of me. I hated him, I hated what he’d done to my husband, and I was glad he was dead. He could rot in hell for all eternity for all I cared.

“This is so messed up. How could she not believe her own son? I feel sick.” Her red-rimmed eyes looked up at me with disbelief.

“It’s taken him a long time to get over it. All this stuff with Janet brought back a lot of bad memories. But, I want you to know that he needs you in his life. And I think you need him, too.” She looked at me curiously.

“What do you mean?”

“I think the two of you need each other. Give him time, and everything will be okay.” I smiled, not wanting to go into details yet. I didn’t want to scare her away by asking if she didn’t eat because she was nervous or if she didn’t eat because she had an eating disorder. She needed me and Eli, and Eli needed us both.

Aaron and Shelley have been like the brother and sister I have never had. I’m going to miss them so much, but I know that they will look after you. I was so happy when you reconnected with her. You’ve made each other complete. You both need each other in your lives and I know that I can trust her to look after you.

Shelley was a regular feature in our lives after that day, we found out that she’d been living in a run-down, one-bedroom flat, full of damp and freezing cold. We had a spare bedroom, and it made sense for her to stay with us until we could get her back on her feet and find her somewhere decent to live. Eli had looked into courses to help her to get some qualifications, and she was starting to look better.

“What do you have planned for the weekend?” I asked her as we sat in the kitchen, drinking coffee.

“Nothing really.” The way she focused on her mug made me think the exact opposite.

“You can talk to me, you know that, right?” I urged.

“Mum has asked for me to come and visit.” I was shocked, after Eli told her about what had happened to him, she’d been furious with Janet and swore that she didn’t want anything to do with her.

“Are you going to go?”

“I want to speak to her. I know I said I didn’t, but I need to tell her exactly how I feel. I want to know the truth, and I want to know if she really didn’t believe Eli and Aaron when they told her what Dad did.” Her mouth dropped to the side as she shrugged. Maybe it was a good idea for her to get it out in the open so she could finally move on. Who was I to stand in the way?

“I think it’s a good idea. I won’t tell Eli if you don’t want me to. Some things are better left unsaid, he’s had a lot to deal with the last few weeks.” She nodded her head in agreement before sipping her coffee. “How are you feeling other than that?”

“I’m good.”

“You know you can tell me anything. I won’t ever judge you. I’m worried about you.” This got her attention. Even though she had a bit of a glow now, she was still far too skinny and almost never ate anything.

“What do you mean?” She started to play with an imaginary piece of lint on her plaid shirt, trying desperately to avoid my eyes.

“Shelley, I’m worried that you’re not looking after yourself properly.”

“I’m fine,” she said, her eyes betraying her. She stood, and panic rose in my chest.

“Please, talk to me.” I held out my hand to stop her from leaving, praying that she wouldn’t walk out and desert Eli because of my actions. “I know you have a problem...with food.” Her blank expression caused my chest to clench further. I’d blown it, I’d pushed her away and Eli was never going to forgive me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, grabbing her coat and heading towards the door.

“Shelley. Please stay and talk. I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to. I’m not going to judge you or drag you off to some doctor. I only want to talk to you.” She stopped and hope filled me. Her eyes looked from the floor, to the door, and then to me.

“You . . . I . . . I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know you don’t, but humour me, please?” Her hands dropped to her sides and she sighed before sitting back down at the oak table. Her shoulders hunched forward as she drew imaginary circles on the wood. “You don’t have to be scared. I promise that whatever you tell me here, won’t leave this room.” Her gaze slowly travelled upwards until she was finally looking directly at me.

“It started when Dad died. Mum was a mess, she was never home, always out with her friends. I was wearing tatty old clothes that were always dirty. We didn’t even have electricity any more, not that she even noticed.” Her features remained stoic. There was no emotion, her voice almost robotic. “I was bullied by the other kids in the neighbourhood, they picked on me for my clothes, my looks, my weight, but Mum didn’t notice, or care. When she lost the house, I went to live with a boy that I’d met. It was a squat, but it was warm, better than the streets. I wasn’t stupid, I knew he was a junkie, and I didn’t want to go that route. I tried to get a job, but no one would employ me without qualifications.” She sighed, and a slight amount of emotion flickered over her face.

“That’s when I met Harriot. She gave me a job in an office, and I found a cheap flat.” Her cheeks flamed and a teardrop clung to her long, thick eyelash. “Harriot worked for a charity that helped to get young people off the streets. She was lovely, she helped me to get myself straight. But . . .” She took a long pause. “The damage was already done.” She played with that imaginary piece of lint again, and I waited, giving her gentle, comforting touches every now and then.

“Do you have an eating disorder?” I asked, sympathetically when she hadn’t said anything for a while. She didn’t look up, her head stayed bowed, her hand reached up to rub her neck.

“Yes,” she replied, quivering. Her head shook and the tears dripped onto the table, staining the wood.

“It’s okay. We can get you help; you don’t have to be alone anymore.” She sniffed hard, before looking up at me, her eyes rimmed red.

“I’m scared.” Her voice broke my heart. She was so childlike, I imagined my children being like that and it hurt inside my chest.

“You don’t have to be afraid. You have family now. You have us.” A small smile appeared on her lips, making me feel proud that I’d done something to help her.

I’d found a job editing for a small press, and I was working as a crisis worker part time. Things were going great. After our talk, Shelley opened up to me more often. I found out she wanted to be a fashion designer when she was younger, so I contacted Mel and asked her what she needed to do to get her foot in the door. Mel kindly offered her an internship with her company. It meant that Shelley would have to relocate to Surrey, but Eli had offered to help her to get set up in a flat. Her eating disorder was under control and she was having regular counselling appointments.

“I’ve had a call to go to work,” I said as I walked into the living room. Eli was sat on the sofa, a child under each arm as he read them a story. It was one of their favourites,
The Gruffalo
. He looked up from the pages and smiled.

“You be safe, okay?” He always worried about me driving at night and I couldn’t blame him, after all the disasters we’d been through.

“I will. Love you,” I called as I opened the door and stepped into the cool night air. As I drove towards the centre, my mind wandered back to a conversation that I’d had with Shelley that morning.

“Hey, it’s me,” she said as I answered the phone.

“Hi, sweetheart. What’s up?” She sounded worried, her voice thick with tension.

“Um, it’s . . .” The phone went silent, and I pulled it from my ear to check that we were still connected.

“Shell, are you still there?”

“Yeah, sorry. It’s just . . . Um . . . The hospital called me and . . .” I could hear the tension in her voice.

“Hey, it’s okay. Tell me whatever it is.”

“It’s just, they said that Mum was ready to be released.” Mixed emotions filled me. Worry about how Eli, Aaron, and Jodie would react and also relief that maybe we could finally get answers to why she behaved the way she did.

“Don’t worry about it sweets, we’ll sort it.”

“Thanks, Saff. I owe you so much already, I could never repay you.”

“You don’t ever have to thank me. Give Mel a big squeeze from me when you see her.”

“I will do. See you soon.” She hung up and I was left trying to figure out what to do.

I arrived at the centre in good time, the thought of telling the boys about Janet weighed heavy on my mind. I didn’t have time to mull it over because the police pulled up at the same time I did. I’d been given a small briefing over the phone, so I knew what to expect. Every time someone was brought in to the centre, I remembered that night, and I remembered how I felt. It helped me to help them get them through it.

My breath caught in my chest when I saw her, and the look of horror on her face at my reaction instantly made me regret what I’d done. I’d seen bad things before, but nothing like what was in front of me. Her dull, black hair was caked in mud and grass and stood in several directions. Her face was covered in cuts and bruises, and her left eye was swelling shut. Tears fell from her good eye, cutting rivets through the dirt and blood drying on her cheek. Her clothing had been torn, a blanket draped around her shoulders protected her dignity. Her wrist had been set in plaster, presumably at the hospital before she arrived at the centre, and as she was directed towards the medical room, she limped, barefoot, through the doors.

Taking deep breaths, I calmed myself before following her inside. She slipped into one of the paper gowns provided and what was left of her clothes were bagged up for evidence.

“Hi, I’m Saffy. I’m going to be staying with you throughout this entire thing. I won’t be leaving you unless you wish for me to do so. Just know that I’m here to help.” She climbed on the bed and nodded slightly. As she turned her head, I could see the bruises that were starting to form around her neck and wrist, my heart broke for this poor girl.

“What’s your name?” I asked as I took a seat on the stool at the head of the bed.

“Tanya.” It wasn’t any louder than an exhale of breath.

“Tell me a bit about yourself, Tanya.” I needed to take her mind off what was happening around her.

“I’m going to start the exam now.” The forensic medical examiner said, breaking the moment and making Tanya shut down. She remained silent, but her eyes conveyed everything she needed to say. She was begging me to help her, and for the first time since I took the job, I didn’t know how. The air was thick with silence, the only sound coming from the instruments being used to examine her. She was withdrawn, and scared, she didn’t know me, I wasn’t a friend, but that was what a lot of people liked about it. They didn’t know me, so they were able to convey their feelings better.

“I love your tattoo,” I said, noticing the angel on her wrist partially hidden by a deep-purple bruise. She lifted her arm in front of her face so she could see it, lost in whatever meaning it held to her. “Tell me what it represents.”

“I was real close to my grandmother. I got it when she died.” She said after what felt like an eternity of silence.

“That’s nice. I bet she’s looking down on you now, giving you the strength you need to get through this. She’d be so proud of you.” She snorted and then flinched as the pain from her injuries wreaked through her body. I gripped hold of her good hand tightly. “Angels don’t have control over what happens to us, but they can control how we deal with what happens. Your grandmother will be up there fighting for you, helping you to move on from what happened. She’s giving you that will to carry on and not let them win.” Like a light switch flickering on, I saw a glimpse of light turn on inside her and it was as if calm determination settled over her.

“You’re right. He can’t win. I won’t let him win.”

“There are a lot of things that can take your life, but please don’t let this consume you.” She smiled and nodded. “Now, tell me a bit about yourself.” She went on to tell me all about her childhood with her grandmother, she told me about her family, her job, everything except what had happened to her. That was saved for the police. When they were finally done taking swabs and photographs, Tanya showered and I gathered some clothes for her to wear. She thanked me, and we hugged for the longest time. She cried on my shoulder, and I cried on hers. It was a cathartic experience. One I will never forget. It helped me to realise that I’d been waiting for something to come along and go wrong. In a sense, I was willing it to happen, and I had to stop and look forward to the future instead of waiting for the bad. I had two beautiful children and a husband who loved me. I was one of the lucky ones. It also made me think about Janet and what I would tell the boys. I had to stop pussy footing around them, I had to be the strong one, to tell them what to do instead of asking. So I did.