Dear Darling (10 page)

“You’ve got it all wrong, Saff, she’s my boss. I have to speak to her if I want to get the promotion I’ve been waiting for.”

“Arse kissing is all well and good as long as it’s figuratively and not literally.” My voice rose with every word. He looked behind before grabbing my arm firmly and pulling me into the garage.

“You’re being stupid,” he said as soon as we were behind closed doors. His face reddened and his lips curled. The tears rolled down my cheeks, and I heard him let out a sigh before putting his arms around me, pulling me into his warm chest.

“Am I being stupid, Eli? You rarely touch me anymore, and when you do it’s like some chore for you. Why don’t you talk to me like you used to? All you ever do now is work, work, work, and then when you do come home, it’s like you’re not even here.” His body shook as I spoke, and I knew that I finally got through to him. He knew I was right. “Do you regret marrying me?” He pulled me back and looked me dead in the eyes.

“Saffron, I will never regret marrying you. You’re my moon. This year . . .” He trailed off, letting go of my body and turning to walk towards the window. I could hear voices inside the house, but I ignored it. Nothing else mattered right now, only my marriage. “This year has been. . .” He took a deep breath, not even able to say the words. “You pushed me away, and I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand how you were feeling, you never talked to me. I lost something that night, too. I lost a child, but I didn’t get to grieve for it with the woman I love because she pushed me away.” I could see his eyes glistening with tears in the moonlight. He looked defeated. “I knew it was my fault for leaving you that night.” His voice was pained and my heart was pounding so hard.

“It wasn’t your faul—”

“It was, Saffy,” he interrupted. “In my eyes, it was. I can’t shake the guilt, it’s killing me. I love you so much, but when I look at you, I feel like I’ve let you down and that you deserve better than me. You probably do. All the depression, the distance, I caused it.” He sat on a box underneath the window, underneath his moon. “I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I worked. I put all my energy into my job, and I neglected my family through fear.”

“I should never have pushed you away, I should have talked to you, I should have asked you how you felt. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I overreacted about her.”

“Don’t apologise, I’m at fault, I should never have brought her here.” His eyes lowered, so I couldn’t detect the guilt in his eyes. My stomach flipped at his confirmation.

“Have you slept with
the whore
?” I saw the answer in his eyes. I could also see the lie he was about to tell, so I didn’t give him a chance. “She looks like she’s had more pricks than a second-hand dart board, you’re probably just another one of them,” I said, swallowing hard. The thought of looking at him right now made me want to heave, I wanted to take my son and get out of there. Then, he started to sob uncontrollably and the force between us pulled me into him.

“I’m so sorry. I’ve been the biggest idiot ever. I love you, baby. I love you with all my heart. I’m such a fool.” He cried into my chest, letting every emotion pour out.

Could I forgive him?

Yes, I could, in time. Everything that had happened had put a massive strain on our relationship. I’d pushed him away and in turn, he pushed me away.

“You have to leave your job,” I said sternly. His eyes narrowed, and his hand tugged at his right ear. He thought about my words for a few seconds, glancing around the garage.

“I will, if it means you won’t leave me.”

“And, I want her out of
our
house, now. I can’t believe you even brought her here, I can’t believe you would taint our house and our son with her presence.” My puffy eyes stung as I dabbed at them with my fingers, trying to remove the mascara smudges. I looked at him, but inside my chest ached and my world was spinning.

“I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted me to leave.” His head bowed in defeat.

“She’s leaving, not you. We are going to sit and talk, and you’re not going to lie to me. I want the truth, Eli, all of it. Even if it hurts me, I want to know it all.” He nodded his head and looked out the window once again.

I left him there, to find Jodie, who was in the kitchen fixing another cheese platter.

“I need you to get rid of everyone.”

Her head whipped in my direction but after one look at my face she nodded and walked into the living room. I didn’t try to make excuses or even go smooth things over with our guests. I stood there, listening to the front door open and close, until finally Jodie reappeared in the doorway with a glass of wine in her hand.

“Aaron is upstairs already with George and Alisha. I’m going to go join him. Will you call me if you need me?”

“I will.” Jodie knew better than to pry right now, and I was thankful that she handed me the wine, turned, and disappeared upstairs without another word.

The house was deathly silent as Eli and I made our way back to the living room. The fire was roaring and the clock was about to chime midnight, but we both sat and ignored that a new year was about to start.

“Tell me what happened,” I asked, sitting on the sofa and placing the glass on the coffee table.

“It happened after we got back from Kent.” He took a deep breath. “She’d been coming on to me ever since she had taken over as managing director. Of course, I’d rejected her advances, avoided her as much as I could. But, then she came to me with an offer of promotion, and I was so excited, it meant more money and less hours so I could spend time with you and Sam.” My stomach was doing backflips, but I tried to remain stoic.

“One night, we stayed late. It was the night after we argued about you wanting to work at the crisis centre. I was so angry with you. I didn’t understand why you would want to put yourself through it, why you would ever want to relive that pain.” He paused, taking a sip of his whiskey before turning his attention to the ceiling. “She came into my office. I was upset and she was kind, supportive. I didn’t know what I was doing, Saff. You have to believe me that it was a moment of weakness. It happened once, and after that I told her no more, I pushed her away. But, I had to play nice to get the promotion, so I carried on like nothing had happened. I avoided her advances and did my job.” His words sped up, the excuses coming fast. All the time I stared into space. His words swirling around my mind like a black hole, destroying everything. Sickness washed over me, as I took deep breaths to calm myself. Not wanting to be the irrational, screaming banshee, I tried to stay silent. Letting him finish.

“She’s been all over me, but I promise you, I haven’t touched her since that night.” Nodding my head, I stood and walked towards the window. The moon was big and bright, you could see the shadows of the craters on the surface, and it reminded me of my husband. Every time I looked at the sky it would remind me of him, I’d never get him out of my mind. I’ve loved him for as long as I could remember, I couldn’t throw that away without trying to resolve it.

“Please talk to me, Saff. Shout, scream, say something.” The pleading in his voice caused me to turn around.

“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to kick you out? Hate you? Scream, ball, shout? What?

“Anything but nothing.”

“I’m as much to blame as you are.”

“NO! You have done nothing wrong. I was weak.”

“Yes, you were weak, and it’s your fault that you cheated, but I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I should have talked to you about how I was feeling. I should have told you why I wanted to work, how it made me feel like I was making a difference. I should have tried to fix us, but I didn’t. I fixed me, not us.”

“Please don’t blame yourself. This is on me. No one else. I messed up, and I’m paying for it now, I regret everything that happened. You’re my world, and I betrayed you. I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t forgive me.” I wanted to go over to him and give him a hug. I wanted to tell him that it was all okay, but I couldn’t. He needed to know that I wouldn’t accept what he did, but I would live with it.

“I need time to get my head around this, but I don’t want you to leave. Elias, I love you. I’ve loved since the first glance in the Dog & Bone. You’ve always been the one for me. I’m just . . . disappointed in you.” I looked away from him and back to the stars.

“You’ve always been my one and only. I swear I will never betray you again. I will leave the job; I will make up for what I’ve done. Please, forgive me.”

“I’ll try.” I said and then I walked from the room, leaving him behind. I needed time to think, time alone to sort my head out. We would get through it. I knew we would. We had to for Sam and the baby growing inside my womb.

Maybe I should just tell you instead of letting you read this? The kids will be home soon. I think looking at them and knowing what I know is going to be the hardest thing. My heart is pounding inside my chest just thinking about it.

Do you remember when our daughter was born? My heart almost burst with the love I had for her. I’ll never forget how her tiny button nose wrinkled as I held her close to my chest. She’s grown into a gorgeous young woman that I am so very proud of. I’m so very proud of both our children. We did a good job, didn’t we?

Bethany Louise Vale was born on the 16
th
of July 2000. She was the most precious little girl in the world, and I loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her.

“She looks like you,” he said as I held my beautiful newborn daughter against my chest. Her white chalky face crinkled as she let out an ear-piercing cry. “She has lungs on her like her mother, too.” Her little button nose wrinkled as I pulled her towards my breast. I sighed in relief as she latched on first time.

“Just like her daddy.” I winked at my husband, holding out my hand for him to take. He gripped it tightly, leaning into me. He placed his head on my shoulder and watched as our daughter had her first feed.

We took her home the day after she was born, I was so excited for her brother to meet her. Sam had been confused during my pregnancy, and I’d tried to reassure him that his baby sister was okay inside my belly. He didn’t understand, and he hated that she didn’t have a window to see outside.

“Sam,” I said gently as we sat on the sofa. He had been bouncing up and down as we walked through the door, trying to see her. “Meet your baby sister.” He put his tiny hand on her even tinier face and gently stroked her cheek before bending to carefully kiss her on the forehead.

“Bethy, I lubs you.”

“I’m going to make a cup—” Eli started to say, but the doorbell cut him off. My eyebrows creased in confusion as I looked at my husband. He turned to head toward the door and I stood to follow him. I could see my best friend through the glass.

“Where are my Godchildren?” she cried as she strode through the door right past Eli.

“Aunt Mel!” Sam ran to the door as soon as he heard her voice. “I mished you,” he said, his lisp more prominent as he grew older.

“You can’t be Sam, you’re too big.” She scooped him up and gave him a hug so hard he squeaked a bit before laughing as she set him back on his feet. She dropped her bags and walked into my embrace, squeezing me firmly, but carefully as not to squash the baby.

“I missed you so much,” I whispered into her ear. It had been almost a year since I’d last seen her.

“I missed you, too. Now, let me see this little bundle of joy.” Sam ran off to get one of his new toys to show his Auntie Mel, leaving us to sit and chat in the living room. Eli brought us a cup of tea each and took the baby to her room for a nap.

“Tell me what’s been happening?”

“Nothing much, had a baby, that’s about it.” I winked at her.

“I know when something is going on. You’ve been distant. It’s more than the pregnancy.” She had always been intuitive. When we were in university she could always tell when something was bothering me. She knew immediately about my Grandmother’s ring when I pawned it. I looked at it on my finger and watched it glisten in the light coming through the window.

“Eli had an affair,” I said, trying to keep my composure. I told myself daily that I was over it, but it still bothered me. Every time he touched me and every time he buried himself deep inside me, I thought about it
.

Did he touch her like he touched me?

Did he wear a condom?

Did he kiss her?

They were questions I wanted to know but didn’t want to ask because I was afraid of what I’d hear.

“That rat bastard. I’m gonna kill him.”

“Hush, he’ll hear you.”

“Good. Why are you still here, Saff? You do know that denial isn’t just a river in Egypt?” She gripped hold of my hands tightly, turning to face me.

“I’m not in denial. I love him, Mel. I love him with all my heart. He made a mistake and he knows it. He loves me. I can’t throw it all away on a mistake.”

“I can’t believe he did this to you. After everything you’ve both been through.”

“I think everything that happened took a toll on us both. He was hurting, and I shut him out.”

“Wow! Are you blaming yourself for him sticking it where it didn’t belong?”

She was right, of course. The year had been tough, but it wasn’t my fault I was attacked, it wasn’t my fault I lost our baby, and it wasn’t my fault I lost myself for a while.

“I just feel like I should have talked to him more. Asked him how he felt. You know?”

“You’d been through something traumatic. Of course you weren’t feeling yourself. Don’t blame yourself, but if you’ve decided to forgive and forget then you need to let it go. All of it.” She was right, again. I did need to let it go. In my heart I’d already forgiven him. In my mind, however, I hadn’t, and I needed to change that. Some people might see my forgiveness as a weakness, but I didn’t. I saw it as strength. I had to have strength to forgive. Plus, I’d told him that if he ever did anything like that again, I’d walk away and never come back.

“Bloody hell, I miss talking to you. You’ve always known how to talk sense into me.” I hugged my best friend tightly, not letting go for the longest time. Her visit was just what I needed.

“Please, call me if there are any problems. I will check in with you when we arrive.”

“Stop worrying, Saffron. Anyone would think I haven’t looked after a baby before. You turned out okay, didn’t you?” I laughed at my mum and kissed her on the cheek before getting into the car.

We made our way up the motorway towards the Lake District. Eli had booked us into a log cabin with a hot tub, and I couldn’t wait to relax in the peaceful, quiet countryside.

We drove up a remote, dirt track, which had sporadic sign posts telling us we were heading in the right direction. When we reached the end, there was a quaint cottage situated at the side of a metal barrier. Eli jumped out of the car and went to check us in. A small elderly man appeared out of the cottage, followed by a smiling Eli, he lifted the barrier and we drove through towards our cabin. It was a beautiful, quiet place, I could hear the sound of the water swishing down the stream and the birds chirping happily in the trees. A horse glanced at me from the other side of the stream, but then it went back to eating some grass. The cabin was small, but homely. The outside had a little veranda going all the way around it and there was a barbeque and a table and chairs at the front facing the stream. Inside there was an open fire and enough wood to last us the weekend, in front was a fake bear skin rug and a small plush sofa. I was excited to lie in front of it in the dark with the fire roaring against my skin. The bedroom was basic, but the bathroom was spacious with a Jacuzzi-style bath. Walking out of the patio doors, which opened out to the stream below, there was a large hot tub to the right, I couldn’t wait to spend some time in there with my hubby.

“It’s fantastic.” The smile on my face was wider than it had been in a long time.

“I’m glad you like it.” He stalked towards me, his eyes full of love, want, and need. He stopped right in front of me and dipped his face close to mine, stopping a fraction of an inch before our lips touched “I want you naked and in that hot tub in twenty minutes,” he commanded. The sun had started to set, and I looked out to make sure we were out of distance for anyone to see us. “Don’t worry, I made sure we had a secluded cabin.” He winked.

I picked up my bag and made a dash for the bathroom. Once inside, I tied my hair up into a messy bun before jumping into the shower. I quickly shaved my legs and bits and made myself smell nice. I wrapped a towel around my body, brushed my teeth, and made my way out to the hot tub. Eli had laid out candles all around the veranda, and there was a bucket at the edge with a bottle of champagne inside and two glasses next to it. My gorgeous, hunk of a husband sat naked, his arms spread out along the edge of the hot tub, the bubbles covering his modesty.

“I hope the water is warm; it’s freezing out here,” I said, shivering from the cool, misty air that had descended.

“It’s perfect. Come join me.” He winked and I didn’t hesitate to drop my towel and climb in. I could feel the bubbles popping against my skin as I walked seductively over to my husband and then leaned against his chest.

“I’ve missed this.”

“We’ve never been here.” He laughed.

“I mean, this. Us. Me and you. Together. Alone. We used to be inseparable. We used to love each other so much. I wish we could go back to how it was.” I didn’t mean to put a downer on the moment but I needed to say it. I missed him loving me.

He placed the palms of his hands on my face and pulled me towards him.

“Saffy, don’t doubt me when I say that I love you, that I’ll always love you,” he said, stroking my cheek and looking longingly into my eyes. “We’ve had so much to contend with over the last few years, but we’re still here, still going strong despite it all. Doesn’t that show you how much love we have for each other?” My husband was finally back. The man who I’d fallen in love with seven years ago was back.

“I love you so much that it hurts,” I whispered.

“Do you know that a human heart uses enough energy every day to drive a truck twenty miles?” I looked at him confused about where he was going with this. “Over the course of a lifetime, that truck could reach the moon and back, so I literally love you, with all the energy in my heart, to the moon and back.” I smiled at my geeky husband. Pressing his lips softly against mine, that ache grew deep inside me. I needed him so badly it hurt.

“Take me, please, Eli,” I begged, pressing into him. He gently lifted me so that I could sit on his lap and wrap my legs around him. I could feel how much he wanted me, his stiff length pressing against my thigh was the evidence. He teased my nipple, before lifting me and placing me on the edge of the tub. He lowered his head, tasting and teasing my core. My head fell back, and a throaty moan fell from my lips, filling the night around us. I could feel the smile on his lips as he kissed his way back up my body, finally settling on my lips. He kissed me with passion, swirling his tongue against mine and nipping at my bottom lip as he positioned the tip of his erection at my entrance.

“I want to be inside you. I can’t wait any longer.” He murmured against my lips, his words reverberating through my chest. He gripped me tightly at my hips and I panted in anticipation. I needed to feel him deep inside me, stretching me, filling me, making me feel alive.

“Make love to me,” I begged. My whole body came alive as he pushed forward, filling me deeply. As he started to move my body tensed, waiting for my impending orgasm. As it shot through me, exploding and igniting a fire deep within me, I felt once again, like his queen. It had been so long since Eli had worshipped me, and that was exactly what he did. We took our time, exploring each other, reconnecting not only our bodies, but our minds also. We became Saffy and Eli again, we became lovers again, we became one again. It was beautiful. It was intense. It was life changing.