Dear Darling (5 page)

“Just like the scar from when you fell off your bike, it’s just another part of you. It’s your memories, you get to carry it around with you as a reminder of your grandmother’s house.” I smiled at his analysis.

“C’mon, let’s go to the fair.” I pulled him away, a spring in my step as we headed back towards the beach and the fairground. We spent the next few days swimming, ice-skating, and mountain climbing. We visited the cemetery where my grandmother was buried, and we searched for more of my ancestors. It was the break we both needed and deserved after our first year at university.

That week in Scotland was wonderful but all too short. Before we both knew it, we were saying goodbye for a few weeks. I was headed to my parents’ house, and he was headed to Kent and his brother’s place. We still spoke several times a day, but it didn’t stop me from missing him. A week after arriving, I found myself sitting in my room, looking around at all my familiar childhood memories, my mind wandered with thoughts of Eli.

What is he doing?

Is he thinking about me?

Irrational thoughts swept through me like a whirlwind of emotions. I knew he wouldn’t cheat on me, but I couldn’t help but worry that someone else could turn his head. My heart clenched with every thought of him spending moments with other people, I was jealous and it wasn’t a pretty emotion.

Pulling out the picture book I carried with me when I was away, I looked through all the photos I’d taken of Eli and me together. I paused on a photo I’d taken in Scotland. It had been a rare cold day and we had taken a walk up to Dunnottar Castle. The cold wind blew across the sea, sending shivers down my spine as we walked along the trail leading to the steps of the castle. Eli had stopped, holding me tightly and wrapping his jacket around the both of us. I’d pulled out my camera and snapped a quick shot of the two of us. Looking at it now, the glaze in his eyes, as they stared at me not the camera, screamed love. The pure emotion on his face as he looked at me made my heart flutter and my knees weaken. He loved me, I had always known it, but with this photo, I could see it.

Lifting the plastic cover and removing the photo, I rummaged through my drawers, looking for an empty photo frame. I had a lot of photos on my bedroom walls, photos I’d taken as a child of friends and family. I knew there was an empty frame in there somewhere. Finally locating it, I placed the photo inside the frame, carefully fastening the back on. Stroking my fingers on the glass covering Eli’s face, I laid on the bed and fell asleep with him in my arms.

I took the box of old photographs out of the loft. You should look at these more often. We were so young and carefree. So in love. So many good memories are captured by these pictures. I’m smiling at the picture of you in Liverpool; the moment you found out we were going to The Cavern. You look so in awe. There’s this sparkle in your eye, a gleam that shows how much you appreciated that moment. I’m going to miss that sparkle. The picture of us in Scotland is still one of my favourites.
Promise me, you’ll look at the pictures?

Can you remember when we arrived back to London? I didn’t want to leave your side for the longest time. You took me to meet Aaron and Jodie for the first time and we all went out for a meal together. It was so nice finally meeting them, and they made me feel like one of their own. We’d already become one big family, mine and yours combined.

I remember that morning so clearly. Dew had settled on the ground as the mist started to rise. The sky was cloudy and white and the grounds outside my window looked eerie. Eli was at his brother’s house for the weekend because Jodie, Aaron’s wife, had given birth to a baby boy. He’d wanted me to go with him, but I had my exams coming up, and I needed to revise. For whatever good it would do me. I found my thoughts more focused on Eli than my actual work. Grabbing my dressing gown from the side of the bed, I ran to the bathroom to get a quick shower. It was so cold out, and the heating in the halls was almost none existent, so I was super speedy.

Leaving the bathroom and heading back to the room, I could hear the generic ringtone from down the hall. Picking up pace, I burst through the door my eyes immediately seeking out my desk for my phone. It wasn’t there, so I moved slowly around the room, trying to pinpoint it from the noise. I eventually found it where it had fallen between my bed and the wall.

“Hello.” I answered flustered, wiping my damp hair away from my face.

“Saffron,” the voice on the other end replied. No one other than my parents called me Saffron, but it wasn’t them. Pulling the phone from my ear, I looked at the screen. It was Eli’s name, but it wasn’t his voice, either.

“Yes. Who is this?” I asked unable to hide the confusion in my voice.

“Saffron, it’s Aaron.
You need to get to Maidstone Hospital. It’s Eli, he’s been in a car crash.” I swear my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. Waves of nausea swept over me like tidal waves sweeping over the land.

“How bad?” My voice was choked.

“They don’t know yet, he’s in surgery.”

“I’ll be there. Will you call me if you find out anything?”

“I will, I promise.” His voice was reassuring. It was as if he knew how hard I was trying to hold myself together in that moment. When I disconnected the call, I started moving. I grabbed the first set of clothing I put my hands on, tossed my phone into my bag, and ran from my room.

Waiting for the train was excruciating, and the ride to Maidstone was torture. Tears poured out of me like a fountain as I sat and waited for the train to stop. People walked past, looking at me with sympathy but not wanting to talk to me to see if I was okay.

When I arrived at Accident & Emergency, the receptionist with her perfect make-up and perfect hair told me to wait for someone to come and get me. My head was pounding as my anger built.

Just because I wasn’t “officially family” didn’t mean I had any less right to see my boyfriend. We had been together for a year and a half, and I deserved some rights. I pulled my phone from my bag and dialled Eli’s number, but it went straight to the recording that asked me to leave a message. How was Aaron supposed to call me with an update if he turned it off? Those forty-five minutes were nerve wracking, and I alternated between pacing and sitting in one of the hard plastic chairs bouncing my leg in irritation. My stomach churned and sickness washed over me several times as I sat going over different scenarios in my head.

Eventually, Aaron came through the double doors of the waiting room. His face looked tired and despondent, his brown hair spiked in all directions as if he had been running his fingers through it, his chocolate-brown eyes were bloodshot.

“He’s awake.” My body relaxed and my stomach fluttered, but I still didn’t know what was going on. He pulled me to the chairs behind us and sat us both down. “He’s suffered a broken cheekbone and some minor cuts and contusions. He also suffered severe trauma to his spine. The doctors operated as soon as they brought him in to remove the bone fragments and get him stabilised. However, there’s some swelling and they need to wait for it to go down before they know more.” I sobbed hard, my poor Eli.

“What does that mean??”

He looked at his hands, knotting his fingers. He didn’t speak for a few seconds and the silence hung oppressively between us. Just as I was about to speak, he said. “He can’t feel his legs at the moment, they think it’s only temporary. We have to wait.” A sound that I didn’t recognise escaped from my mouth. I could tell that he was trying to be optimistic, but I could sense that he was worried. My chest tightened, and it felt like I was having a heart attack. My heart was breaking. My poor baby.

How will he cope if he can never walk again?

“Ca-can I see him?” I sobbed.

“Sure, I’ll come get you when the doctors have finished with him.” He left me sitting in the waiting room, and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I had too much energy to sit, so paced the room, waiting.

What if he can never walk again?

What about his course?

Where will he live?

What will happen to us?

I was exhausted thinking about it all. I decided to call my mum, she would know what to do.

“Mum…oh, Mum, I don’t know what to do,” I said, tears streaming down my tired face.

“Saffron, what’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?” My worried mother’s voice shook with confusion.

“Mum, it-it’s…Eli. He’s been in an accident; he…he can’t feel his…legs.” The more I spoke, the harder I cried.

“Oh, Saffy. No! What happened? Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know, Mum. I haven’t seen him yet.”

“Listen, baby. Take a deep breath. Things always seem worse when you don’t have all the answers. Just wait until you get to see him before you worry yourself to death. Try to stay calm, stay strong for him.” My mum knew that I was panicking, and she was possibly the only person on the earth besides Eli who could have calmed me down. I pulled in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, willing myself to calm down. I had to calm down for Eli. I could do that.

“Thanks, Mum. I will call you when I’ve spoken to him. I have to go.” The receptionist was looking at me like she was about to kill me. She pointed to a sign on the wall that read: No Mobile Phones, and I quickly tucked my phone back in my bag and sat.

What felt like a lifetime later, Aaron came through the doors again.

“You can come through now,” he said, holding the door open with one hand so it didn’t close and lock behind him. The relief I felt in my chest was beyond comprehension as I walked on shaky legs down the corridor and up the stairs towards the high dependency unit. We both washed our hands before Aaron pressed a code, entering us into the room. The smell of disinfectant and sterile machinery was thicker in the unit, but I ignored it. Two nurses sat at a desk chatting, neither looked to see us walking towards Eli’s bed. I didn’t know what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t what I saw. Eli was hooked up to several machines. The bruises on his face were deep purple and black, his eye was swollen shut, and he had several cuts on his face and chest. He smiled when he saw me, and I tried to smile back, but it was so hard seeing him there like that. I didn’t want to scare him any more with my reaction, so I tried to be emotionless. Failing, I walked towards him and gripped his hand.

“Hi,” was all I could say before the tears, once again, started to fall from my eyes.

“Don’t cry, baby. I’m fine.” I knew he was lying.

“What did the doctor say?” The need to know was greater than the fear of what he would say.

“He said the surgery went well. I need to wait until the swelling has gone down and then they’ll know more.” The waiting was killing me.

“How long will it take?”

“It could be a few hours, days, weeks, they don’t know. I’ll be fine, though. Don’t worry about me.” How could he think that I wouldn’t worry? I loved him, of course I would worry. “I’m going to need physiotherapy to help me regain the strength in my legs when I get the sensations back.” He was confident he would regain the feeling in his legs; I couldn’t be quite so optimistic. “Aaron said that I can stay with them for as long as I need to.” My heart sank, I couldn’t afford to stay in Kent full time, I had my exams and work. The thought of leaving him made me feel sick to my stomach. He could see in my face that I was warring with myself over it. “Saff, you have to go back to London. I will call you every day. Please don’t worry about me. You need to look after
you
. You need to concentrate on
you
.” He was always thinking about other people before himself. Why did I think this time would be any different?

“But I don’t want to leave you. I’m staying until you get out of here at least.” He knew there was no arguing with me, so he dropped it. “I love you, Eli.” Afraid of hurting him, I bent to kiss him gently on his good cheek.

“I love you too, Saff.”

It was a waiting game now, and I was the worst at waiting for anything. It was hell, a real life living hell.

Aaron and Jodie were great. They looked after Eli and me even though they had a new baby to take care of. I repaid them both for their hospitality by babysitting George when Jodie needed a rest or if they wanted to spend some time alone. It was the least I could do, and I found that I loved babysitting. George was adorable.

The Friday before I was due to go back to London, Eli was moved from the high dependency unit into a regular room, and that night he started to regain some sensation in his legs. We were all relieved. Especially Eli. Even with all of his assurances that the feeling would come back, I could see the cracks in his resolve starting to form.

“The swelling has started to subside. We will still need to do another MRI to make sure everything looks okay. However, the fact that there has been some sensation is a positive sign,” the doctor said as we all gathered around the hospital bed.

Over the next few weeks, I split myself between London and Kent. I was totally exhausted, between working, studying, travelling, and looking after Eli, my life was put on hold. All my free time was used up, and I could feel the stress catching up to me. I was snappy and angry all the time, I wasn’t eating right, and more than once my mum called to check up on me. I didn’t complain, though. Eli was the one who was hurt and he needed me to be strong.

“Are you okay, babe?” Eli had said one night during one of our many phone conversations. I wasn’t going to tell him that between the travelling and phone credit, I was running up a large credit card debt that I couldn’t afford to pay off. I had been cutting short my working hours to go to Kent so I wasn’t earning anywhere near the amount I had been previously.

“I’m just tired. Don’t worry about me, how’re you?” I didn’t want him worrying. I wanted him back in London as soon as possible.

“I always worry about you. I miss you,” he said, in a raspy voice that sent tingles through my body. The ache inside me drove me crazy, but I was stretched so thin already there was no way for me to see him more and not lose my job or fail my classes.

“How’s the family?” Aaron and Jodie had been great, converting their dining room into a bedroom for Eli so he didn’t have to climb the stairs. It still shocked me that his parents and sister hadn’t been to visit him, though. Even if they were estranged, something like this wasn’t the run-of-the-mill accident. Eli was hurt and they didn’t even bother to show up. On my third night there, I tried to question Jodie about it, but she told me that it wasn’t her place to say. She said that when Eli was ready to tell me about it, he would.

“They’re great, George misses his Auntie Saffy.” I laughed. I loved that little boy so much.

“I miss him too.” My phone beeped, telling me that my credit was running low again. A trip to the shop to buy even more was needed. I sighed. “I’m sorry, darling, I have to go. My credit is low.”