Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child (14 page)

So it was set. The plan was laid out, and I was finally going to meet my past and, hopefully, my future. I told Bill and Vanessa about the meeting, which I think worried my mom. She had tears in her eyes and became very quiet. My dad stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders, not really sure what to say. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt those wonderful people. No birth parents could have been more loving and supportive, and I tried to assure them they would always be Mom and Dad to me. Nothing would change that.

“I need to do this, Mom, in order to put the pieces together and find peace. I’m doing this to help me feel like a complete person.”

I didn’t tell her, but I was doing this for Evie as much as for myself, maybe more.

***

The next time I talked to Stephen he told me that he and his grandmother were coming to Charlotte for our first meeting. I had offered to meet the Stewarts halfway, but they insisted on flying to North Carolina for the meeting.

“You have a young child to take care of, and this is what we want to do. We will get a room at one of the hotels near the airport and call you once we are settled in.”

Jason was more concerned now that they would be in our hometown.

“We really don’t know them, Kat. What if they try something?”

“What would they possible try, Jason? To kidnap me or hold me for ransom?”

He was being ridiculous and he knew it, but he just wanted to protect me from the possible pain the meeting could cause. Jason had seen me suffer hours of emotional pain and torment while pulling my memories to the surface. I loved that he wanted to spare me, but this was all part of the healing process. In order to remember and accept my forgotten past, I had to meet everyone that it entailed. They were my grandmother and my brother; I knew it was true, intellectually at least. It was hard to explain, but my gut just told me they were good people. I just knew I was going to be safe. My inner voice had really become my true compass lately.

My husband and my parents seemed to want to fight me on every decision, but somehow I think Evie was the one I was listening to. She was guiding me to where I needed to go in order to heal both of us, and I was going to let her do just that.

When the phone rang, I jumped up so quickly I hit my knee on the end table and said a word in front of Gracie she had never heard before. Jason gave me a look of disapproval, and I just whispered “Sorry” and hurried to the phone.

“Hello, Katherine, it’s Stephen. We are here and ready to meet you anywhere you like.”

I told them I would just come to their room if that was okay. Jason wasn’t thrilled that our meeting would be somewhere out of sight of others, but I explained to him that it had to be that way.

“I don’t want to put on a show for everyone to see. What if my emotions take over and I burst into tears in public? Besides, I want to be able to talk openly with them about the past, and I am not ready for everyone in town to know my past, especially since I am not sure how I am dealing with it myself. Jason, please just give me some time to meet my past in private. Once I feel I am ready, I will have them follow me here to meet you and Gracie. If I feel uncomfortable about them, I just won’t mention meeting you and they won’t know where we live.”

I had been sitting next to Jason on the couch while I attempted to compromise with him, and I gave him my sad puppy dog eyes and pouty lips expression. It almost always worked.

“Well, I am still calling you once you have had about fifteen minutes with them, just to make sure you are okay,” he said, finally relenting.

I agreed to call Jason before I knocked on the door of the hotel so he wouldn’t call before I had even said hello. I sat outside of the airport Days Inn for at least twenty minutes, playing the possible scenarios in my head.

Get a grip on yourself, Katherine; it’s an old lady and a college student. Plus, they are family. Go meet your grandmother and your brother, for goodness’ sake. It’s what you wanted. You sent the letters and put the ads in the papers that led to this. They flew here to meet you, after all. They want this too.

I said a silent prayer asking for the courage I needed to go up to that door. I also asked God for the ability to forgive the things I needed to forgive. I knew I had to let go of the resentment I harbored toward Evelyn. After I finished praying, I took several deep breaths in an effort to settle my nerves. Once I’d calmed myself and was getting out of the car, I gave Jason a quick call.

“Okay, I’m going in,” I said, and then laughed at how silly I sounded. It felt like I was a secret agent entering the building where the enemy was hiding out.

“Be careful,” Jason instructed, “and don’t forget I will call in fifteen minutes to be sure you are okay. If you need my help just say something that will alert me like… crackerjack.”

I had to laugh.

“Jason, how in the world am I supposed to say crackerjack out of the blue and not sound like I’m insane?” I could tell in his voice that he was starting to get irritated with me.

“I don’t know, Kat, but think of something. Just do it, okay!”

“Okay, okay I promise… if there is any sign of trouble I will say crackerjack.”

I knocked softly on the door of room 101. I wondered if I had even knocked loud enough for them to hear me, but I wanted to wait before trying again so if they had heard, it wouldn’t make me seem impatient. The door opened and there stood a slender woman with hair that was more white than gray. It was in a type of bob cut and was very wavy. She had very kind pale blue eyes that reminded me of the lady in my dreams. To be honest, they reminded me of myself. It was a thought that made me a little uncomfortable. I hadn’t been prepared for any resemblance to me. She was dressed in a tasteful navy skirt and light blue blouse, and I could tell by the way she held her arms close to her in almost an embrace that she was as petrified as I was at what she would find on the other side of the door when it opened.

“Katherine?”

“Yes, and you must be Evelyn.” It seemed strange to call her the name I had so recently learned had been my own name.

“You can feel free to call me grandmother, if you want to.”

She gave a nervous smile and opened her arms to allow a hug if I was willing. I surprised myself at just how willing I was. I embraced the stranger as if we had known each other our whole lives. The idea that this was my grandmother made me tear up. And she in turn cried also.

“Oh, Evie, I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I pray you will find it in your heart to forgive me.”

I hated that I was so quick to correct her in this tender moment, but it had become such a defense mechanism for me. I couldn’t accept myself as Evie yet.

“Katherine, my name is Katherine, not Evie.”

“Oh,” she said with obvious regret for the mistake. “I meant Katherine.”

She backed into the room and made room for me to enter. Standing in the back of the room, giving me a chance to make the first move, was a tall dark-haired young man. He was near the lamp on the dresser, and it made a shadow over his face. Evelyn motioned for him to come forward and meet me. As he stepped forward and his face came into view, a sudden surge of fear ran through my body and an almost sick feeling grabbed my stomach. It was Ralph Dark and suddenly the fear I had felt in all my dreams, in all those memories, crashed into me like a hard punch to the gut. The room was spinning and seemed to grow dark. Suddenly I felt my body falling and all went blank.

I woke up to Evelyn placing a cold cloth to my face, and the man was talking to someone on the phone. I realized after a few fuzzy moments it was my cell phone he was talking on.

“Yes, she is coming around. I’m sure she will be fine, uh, it’s Jason, right? I think she can speak now, hang on.”

“Oh great,” I moaned to myself. I’d passed out and Jason had called. I was surprised he wasn’t crashing through the door screaming crackerjack to the top of his lungs.

“Hello, Jason.”

Jason was hysterical when I took the phone. He told me he was seconds away from calling the police to come check on me.

“For all I know they hit you over the head or something!”

He was going to have to get a grip. I understood his concern but give me a break. Why on earth would they do that?

“I’m fine, really. I think I was overcome with emotion or something and I fainted.”

Once I assured him I was safe, Jason agreed not to come to my rescue, but he was going to call back in a little while just the same. Stephen seemed a little uncertain what to make of my response to seeing him. I could tell it had made things extremely awkward between us, and I was still feeling strange. My pulse was racing again, and it was hard for me not to run screaming from the room.

“Are you all right, Katherine?”

At first the same panic started to swell in me that had caused me to pass out when I first set eyes on him, but then I noticed his eyes. They were not the cruel dark eyes of my tormentor, but the soft, comforting blue eyes of our mother. The eyes that had helped me find solace in all the nightmares were looking at me now in Stephen’s eyes. I also recognized the kind voice I had heard on the phone during our conversations. He was in no way like Ralph Dark, except maybe a few facial features.

“I’m fine, Stephen.”

My fears lifted and I was able to embrace my brother for the first time since 1992 when I’d carried him from the burning house.

Jason called a short time later to make sure everything was all right.

“It’s great, really. I am having a wonderful visit and will probably bring them by later.”

I had taken the call outside the room with the excuse of better reception. I didn’t want Jason to worry about me, but the truth was the first thirty minutes had been a little stressful. We were having pleasant enough conversation, but not really saying what was on all our minds, which was what happened to Grace and Ralph? Stephen had told me all about his life growing up on the phone the few times we’d talked. Evelyn was cautious and guarded with her words. I was sure she was afraid she might offend me, and I would bolt from the room never to speak to her again. I knew why she felt that way. I had been defensive in our previous conversations because I was a little resentful about her not wanting me. I had to let it go and forgive her. After all, the bad things had happened before she was asked to take me into her home, and the people who had adopted me were wonderful and loving.

I had debated on how much to share with them about my recent memories. Would I be destroying a fantasy Stephen held about his father if I told of Evie’s torment? It could ruin any chance I had of getting to know my brother, but I had to tell them. No matter how much it hurt my grandmother to hear what her daughter had gone through, and no matter if it made Stephen hate me, the truth had to come out.

“The reason for my sudden appearance in your lives is because of memories that have resurfaced. They are very unpleasant memories, but I think it’s important to share them. I think it’s important that the truth be revealed if our relationships are going to develop.”

They both looked at each other with a pleased expression, as if to agree that it was what they had hoped for.

“Please, Katherine, tell us everything you have remembered. Then if there is anything we can add once you’re done, we will share it with you. We want the truth more than anything, no matter what it is.”

I was taken by surprise at first by their openness to hear about my memories, but once I pulled myself together, I took a deep breath and just blurted out the whole story beginning with my dreams of a little girl. I talked for an hour and a half nonstop, and neither of them interrupted me even once. They also didn’t seem the least bit shocked by the detailed account of the abuse I had remembered up to that point.

Tears flowed freely from my grandmothers eyes, but she sat motionless, absorbing everything I said with a look of remorse on her face. I knew she was feeling completely responsible for all that had happened to her daughter and to me. My brother seemed to feel ashamed that the man who was his father was so evil. I saw anger in his eyes, but I could tell it was not aimed toward me. He hated what had happened to me at the hands of Ralph Dark. After I’d told them all that I knew and informed them about my continued efforts to remember what might possibly be the worst memory of all under Dr. Anna’s care, I just sat and waited for my brother and grandmother to respond. The long silence was broken when Jason called again. He was wondering why we hadn’t come to the house yet.