Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child (16 page)

Chapter Eleven

“Katherine, I want you to remember when you were ten years old. Your name is Evie. Can you see yourself as Evie?”

“Yes, I see her.”

“What do you see?”

“Evie sees blood in her panties, and she is very afraid.”

“Katherine, remember that you are Evie in this memory, so try to say I am afraid instead of she is afraid.”

“No, not yet,” I protested. “It isn’t me yet.”

“Okay, that’s fine. What do you see?”

“Evie runs to Mama and tells her about the blood. Grace gives her a hug to comfort her. She tells Evie about her period and all about becoming a woman. She shows her everything she needs and tells her to start using deodorant under her arms because her body is changing, and she may have grown up body odor now. Mama tells her all about keeping clean. Evie is thinking about bath time and that she may have to bath every day now. Evie doesn’t like that part. She hates taking a bath because of Ralph.”

“Is Ralph home when Grace talks to Evie about her period?”

“Yes, and he won’t give them privacy. He keeps looking into the room and giving Evie a creepy smile behind her mama’s back. Grace notices how embarrassed Evie appears, and when she looks in the mirror that hangs on the wall behind Evie, she sees Ralph. His strange smile gives her a bad feeling in her stomach. I think that is when she realized just how dangerous he was. Grace tries to block his view of Evie and talks low so he can’t hear about the private girl things.”

I became very still for a while and very quiet. My eyes moved rapidly under my pale lids as if I were looking around trying to pick up the story where I left off. I could feel Dr. Anna’s anxiety and hear her heart beating faster in anticipation. The memory had been hidden for so long, and she had made so many attempts to bring it to the front. Dr. Anna knew the day Evie first came to her office after her adoption that something terrible had happened to that sweet child. It was hard to explain the expression on Katherine’s face, which seemed to be a desperate attempt to conceal the truth, and at the same time it appeared that she wanted just as desperately to reveal it. Finally Dr. Anna couldn’t wait another second and decided to prompt Katherine to continue.

“What happened next?”

“Ralph goes to work. Evie is so happy. Grace tells her that they need to start saving money to get away. Evie hugs her mama so tight and tells her how glad she is they are finally going to leave him. I think Grace feels a little guilty for keeping Evie in that situation for so long.”

“Why do you think that?”

“She has tears running down her face, and she just looks so sad even though Evie is so happy. Grace tells her it will have to be a well-kept secret. They both know if Ralph finds out it will be real bad. They look through the whole house and find $12.62. Grace says it’s a beginning, and they find the best hiding place. They put the money in a glass jar and place it in the bottom of an old flowerpot behind the shed in the backyard. Then Grace put some old fruit jars and rags on top of it to make it look like trash. Ralph isn’t big on yard work or keeping things nice around the house, so he will never notice it. Grace says when she goes out to hang clothes to dry she will put any money we save up in the jar until we can afford two bus tickets to Oklahoma. If she holds the baby in her lap they won’t make her buy a ticket for Stephen. We save and save for weeks. Ms. Carla next door has been paying Mama to help her around the house when Ralph isn’t home. Ms. Carla doesn’t want Ralph to know about our plans any more than we do. She pays Evie to do some things too. They save up $200.00 dollars in three months’ time.

Ms. Carla would have just given Grace the money for the tickets, but Grace insisted that she had to work for it. Grace has been hiding a few of their clothes in a paper bag under the baby’s crib. It is where clothes are kept in boxes if they are too big or wrong for the season, so even if Ralph finds them, he won’t be suspicious.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Are you getting excited about your trip?” Dr. Anna was working hard to pull out emotions.

“Evie can’t wait. Ralph has been hovering since Evie started having her period. He is being nice to her now, but she doesn’t like it. The attention is different. It is still scary but in a different way. It makes her uncomfortable like when he watches her take her bath.”

“What do you mean, Katherine? How is it different?”

“He is always backing her in a corner and getting really close to her. His smile makes her stomach feel sick. Grace is watching him all the time and will ask Evie to do something for her when she catches him bothering her. Ralph is starting to get mad about Grace interfering and has started yelling at her a lot, telling her she doesn’t need Evie to do her work for her.

They almost have enough money saved up. Her mama had to use some of the money to buy diapers and baby food because Ralph uses so much of his money for beer, but it won’t be long now till they can get their tickets and go see her grandparents. They will be so surprised when we show up. Grace says they will have to keep where they are going a secret. She says we can’t take any chances that he will find out.

Evie starts asking neighbors if she can sweep their porches or walk their dogs for money. She has to be very careful or Ralph will find out and ask questions. She only asks people she knows Ralph never talks to. The older women on the street don’t like him, so she knows they will never tell.

Evie has twenty whole dollars to add to the jar. She is so proud that she has earned so much all by herself. Ms. Carla told Grace that the next time Ralph paid her the rent money she would give it back to Grace. Grace wanted to refuse her and to earn her way out, but she seemed to know it was getting more and more dangerous for Evie, so she just hugged Carla and thanked her for all she was doing to help them. Carla had to laugh at the idea that Ralph would be giving money to the cause.”

Suddenly I became very agitated and made moaning sounds. I was afraid. Tears were escaping from the corner of my eyes.

“Relax. Remember you are safe here. This is only a memory, and it is not happening to you, so you can remember this without fear,” Dr. Anna said. She laid her hand on me again as she had done in every session of hypnosis, and I began to settle down. “What do you see now? Where is Evie?”

“Evie is going to put the money in the jar. Ralph isn’t home yet, and she is rushing to the flowerpot to hide it before he comes home and sees her. Oh hurry Evie, please hurry.”

“Katherine, remember it is just a memory. Relax and tell me what you see,” Dr. Anna coaxed as she attempted to keep her voice calm. This was more than I had ever remembered before.

“Katherine, I want you to take a deep breath and focus on the memory. Listen to my voice and let your body relax. You are only watching the memory; you are not in any danger. Breathe in slowly.”

I obeyed.

“Now, let it out. You’re just there to watch, and you don’t need to be afraid. Can you tell me what Evie is doing now?”

“Evie is afraid. She dropped the jar and it broke. She is trying to pick it up and she cuts her hand on the glass. Mama will be upset if she loses any of the money, but the wind is blowing it around and she has to chase it and gather it back up. Evie is crying and so afraid she will lose the money. Oh Evie hurry, he will be home soon! She gathers it all up and is trying to put it in one of the other jars.”

Dr. Anna notices when my body tenses and my hands clinch as if I’m angry or scared.

“It’s Ralph!” I say.

Dr. Anna decided not to calm me this time, instead she allowed me to feel what was happening. She couldn’t take a chance on stopping the memory at such a crucial moment. Instead she tried to keep herself calm as she helplessly listened to the horror unfold. Later Dr. Anna told me that she couldn’t remember another case where she had become so emotionally attached to her patient.

“He just pulled up in front of the house, and he will be coming around to the side door. Her heart is pounding in her chest, and she is so afraid he will notice her before she can finish hiding the jar.”

There was full-blown panic in my voice. The words came fast and frantic.

“He’s coming! Oh no! He has spotted Evie and he knows something is going on. She missed a ten-dollar bill and he spots it on the lawn. There is blood on her hand and on her pants leg from the cut. Ralph is coming toward her… Run, Evie, run away so he won’t find the rest of the money! She is frozen with fear. She will not run. He is going to know what they have been doing.”

“Katherine, take a deep breath. Remember, you are safe. It is only a memory. Where are Grace and the baby?”

“Evie can see her in the window; she has her hand over her mouth like she is trying not to scream. Her eyes look afraid. Ralph sees the broken jar and the flowerpot full of jars beside it. He dumps them all out on the ground. Evie grabs the money jar and tries to run with it. She will hide and wait till Mama can join her, and they will leave now. Ralph catches her by her hair. He is pulling her into the house, and he is cursing and yelling at Grace before he even gets into the house.

“‘Oh, Mama, I’m so sorry,’ Evie cries to Grace from behind Ralph as he screams at her. He is cursing at her. Ralph is telling her that she can never leave him. He tells her if she even thinks about leaving again he will kill them all. Evie is so sorry. It’s all her fault.”

“‘If you thought it was bad before, it will be even worse now!’ Ralph promised.

“Evie falls to her knees and starts to cry into her hands. Ralph slaps Grace hard across the face while she is holding baby Stephen in her arms. She almost drops the baby, and he cries loudly. Mama is pleading with Ralph to calm down, to not be mad.”

“‘We were just saving money for a surprise for your birthday,’ Grace lies.

“He doesn’t believe her. He is dragging her up the stairs while she struggles to hold on to the baby. He puts her in the closet in the bedroom, and then shoves a chair under the doorknob so Grace can’t open the door.”

“‘I’m teaching both of you a lesson you won’t forget,’ he screamed.

“Evie is standing in the doorway watching. She is so worried about Mama she isn’t thinking clearly. She needs to be running for help. She is frozen with fear, shock, and guilt.
This is my fault
, she is thinking. Grace tried as hard as she could to get out of the closet before Ralph could shut her in, but he was too strong and she was holding the baby and had to be careful not to drop him. As soon as Ralph closed the door, she was trapped. Grace is trying to push it open, but she can’t move the chair. Evie realizes Ralph is looking at her now. She wants to run but fear is keeping her frozen to the floor. He has that strange smile on his face. He is coming toward her.”

I was frantic. I felt every emotion as the memory played out. Dr. Anna told me later that it was so hard not to bring me out of it and sooth me, but she knew I had to remember. My words were hard to understand part of the time because I was living every characters part, including my own. As I shifted around on the divan, I rambled on about what Evie said and how she was feeling, but at the same time I was in the closet with Grace. I was also observing from above in my own body.

Suddenly I screamed out so loudly, Dr. Anna jumped, and she knew it had to be Grace calling to Evie from her closet prison. She knew what was about to happen.

“Run, Evie, run!”

“I can hear Grace screaming and pounding on the closet door. The baby is crying franticly, upset by his mother’s actions. Evie hears the noise coming from the closet but it seems far away. Everything is moving in slow motion.”

“‘So you think you’re a woman now, Evie girl?’ Ralph is standing really close now, and he is running a finger down the front of her shirt. “Let me see for myself.”

“Ralph had been drinking before coming home, and since locking Grace in the closet he has taken several long drinks from the bottle he keeps by the bed. His anger has turned into something else. Something that is much more frightening to Evie than the thought of a beating with his belt. Grace knows what is happening, and she is pleading through the door. Evie hears the panic in her mother’s voice but doesn’t understand yet what is happening.”

Dr. Anna told me later that she got the sense that I was moving back and forth from where Evie was to the closet with Grace. She noticed changes in my facial expressions and body language that clearly told her where I was when a statement was made. The next words that came out of my mouth were obviously from the closet, and they sent a shiver down the doctor’s spine.