Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child (18 page)

“I am just so glad you are all right, Katherine, and yes, please come back. I want to hear your reactions to what you remembered today.”

Katherine knew there would be more sessions with Dr. Anna. She still had things to work through, possibly more things to remember, but she knew it would not be long before Dr. Anna would release her from her care. Kat would miss her terrible. She had been an excellent doctor, of course, but also a dear friend.

“Please come in, Katherine, and make yourself comfortable. I made fresh coffee and there are a few cookies left if you’re hungry.”

Katherine had never seen the doctor nervous before. Her poker face was gone, and she had lines on her brow as if she were very worried about my earlier revelations.

“I’m fine, really. I am sorry for bolting out on you like that. I had to get away from it for a while, but of course I went straight to it. I went to Harmony, to the site of the house Evie lived in as a child.”

She had her doctor face back on now and opened my thick folder to where she had last made notes.

“Can you tell me how you feel about the memories of that last day?”

Katherine shook her head. She felt strong enough to be as blunt and honest as she needed to be about all of it. Evie was still protecting her, it seemed. It was as if she was still keeping all the worst feelings of fear and pain with her but was allowing Kat to feel the things she needed to feel in order to deal with the truth.

“I feel a lot of things. Angry, sickened, dirty, dead inside, abandoned, but at the same time I feel hopeful and safe and more alive than I can explain.”

“I must say, I am a little confused, Katherine. Those are complete opposites, but you are feeling them all. How is that possible?”

Kat tried to explain to Dr. Anna how it felt when Evie left and she took over. The doctor listened patiently and made notes in the big folder while Kat spoke.

“It’s like she lived my past for me, and then I took over.”

She sat with her pen pushed against her lips for a few seconds, and then pointed the pen at me and asked her question.

“So, does that mean that you have become one now and will face the future as a whole person?”

Kat knew that was what she was hoping for, what the textbook response was probably supposed to be, but that wasn’t how it felt to her.

“Not exactly,” Katherine said. “I think Evie will always be like a separate existence to me. I don’t want to say person, because I know she isn’t walking around separately from me.”

Dr. Anna looked relieved at that.

“But it feels as if she had to go
somewhere
, and she kept the bad memories with her. Even now that I know what happened, all the pain and fear and horror of it all, it still feels like it happened to someone else. I realize that when I was remembering under the hypnosis today that I felt the fear and every other emotion along with her. I can still vividly recall the horrific pain of my body as it tore when he entered me. I can remember the heaviness of his body on mine and the warm blood as it ran down my leg. I can look at my arm and remember the feeling of the drop of water as it ran down from the pipe under the sink. But I can also remember fully the exact second that Evie stopped existing, and I assumed possession of this body. Dr. Anna, I truly feel that if I had to take all that on myself, I would lose my mind. No way can I place all that on me. Evie took it all on herself, and in return I will live our life out happy and secure, able to remember at a safe distance. Does that make any sense at all to you?”

She looked at me for several quiet minutes, as if sizing me up.

“Katherine, I think you have done what was best for you. It seems that you and Evie have found a way to heal each other, in a matter of speaking. And she was generous enough to give you all the good memories to keep. I hope we can continue our sessions for a few more months. Work on more of the good memories, if that is all right with you… with both of you?” Dr. Anna smiled and closed the folder in a triumphant gesture. I couldn’t help but smile back at her like a child who’d made her parent proud.

“We would like that.”

Chapter Thirteen

I sat watching my daughter play with a new appreciation for just how perfect she was. I loved her more than I could put into words before any of my past was revealed, but now, knowing how quickly life can change directions, understanding how every fraction of a second in this life is such a precious gift, I watched her with almost feverish dedication. I easily became lost in her.

I found myself watching the detail of her small delicate fingers as she worked at her task. I enjoyed the way her face would change expression depending on what she was doing. Never again would I rush her along when she wanted to tell me something because I was busy or just absorbed in a book or television program. She was the center of my world, and I was almost afraid to look away out of fear of missing something that might never repeat itself.

Jason was a little concerned about my hovering over her, remembering how I had been before she started school. He pointed out that she had only just turned six, and I was letting worry take over my life.

“Sure, I agreed, she is only six. But do you realize that in six more years she will almost be a teenager and six years after that she will be eighteen and an adult. She could be leaving for college or married in no time at all.”

Jason tucked his head and tried to hide the fact that he was laughing, and then I had to laugh at my own ridiculous ranting. He took me in his arms and pulled me close to him.

“Kat, I know you need some time to work through this, to grieve and to just let your brain accept what you now know was your past, but I think maybe it’s time to move on in your quest for answers, don’t you?”

He was right. I still had loose ends to tie up, more sessions with Dr. Anna, and I had to tell Evelyn and Stephen what I’d finally remembered. That was something I was not looking forward to. I basically was going to be telling Stephen that his father raped Evelyn’s granddaughter, his sister, and caused the death of his mother… of our mother. I wanted Stephen to understand how much Grace loved him, and that she ultimately sacrificed her own life to save us. I wanted Evelyn to know that Grace was trying to come home to her and that all had been forgiven. She’d loved her mother as much as any daughter could. I knew they both needed to hear that. Dr. Anna had called twice to check on me in the last few weeks and wanted me to make an appointment soon.

“You’re right, Jason. It is time to make my move,” I proclaimed and gave him a kiss. I looked at him and smiled. He looked at me with such tenderness. I saw an understanding in his eyes that was new and so full of love, I felt as if I were wrapped up in it. I felt secure and blessed. This wonderful man still loved me deeply despite all I’d put him through during the past few months. Despite knowing my truth and what had happened to me, I had not changed in his heart. If anything had changed, it was that he admired my strength. He told me he had always been thankful for me, but after knowing the road that had led me to him, he appreciated me even more.

I found myself looking deep into those beautiful, sexy eyes of his, and I gave him a smile that told him exactly how I felt about him. And I was ready to show him.

“Gracie, I said, how would you like to spend the night at your grandmother’s house?” Jason grinned back and made his eyebrows move up and down in a flirty gesture.

“Which one, Mommy?” she asked.

“Whoever says yes first, baby.”

***

It was wonderful to be in Jason’s arms again. Our relationship had been challenged by my search for the truth. The intimacy problems I’d always dealt with were still there. I guess they always would be. Things that happen to us can change who we are forever. It’s like when you bend a wire. You may be able to bend it back, but it leaves that kink that changes the direction just a little. And just because we understand the why doesn’t mean the kink goes away.

I’m sure Jason could tell I was still plagued by my problems, but he no longer seemed hurt by them. He was so tender and loving. He no longer deliberately did things to tease me like before. In the past he’d never taken my discomfort and distress seriously. I would actually get angry with him when he wouldn’t stop tickling me or holding me down. He meant no harm. He was just playing, and I knew it, but I would feel this wall come up as if I needed protection from him. Protection from a man who loved me more than anything and who I loved back just as much. Until recently I could simple not understand why I reacted the way I did. I’d hoped when I knew the “why” that the wall would come down. But it was still there. The difference now was that I understood why I reacted the way I did, and I no longer felt guilty. It will be a slow process, but brick by brick I hope I will be able to knock down the wall and learn to love Jason without restraint.

There had been a time not so long ago that I feared I would lose him. I worried that he would get tired of me pushing him away and find someone else who would love him with her whole being. But that night I could feel Jason love me in a way I had never experienced before. I knew he felt compassion, not just passion. He wanted me to be satisfied in our lovemaking, but he was more controlled and deliberate than any time before. It reminded me of how it felt having sex for the first time on our wedding night. Both of us were unsure and wanted to do the right things. It was foreign to us, and even though Jason and I had been together for several years, we were clumsy and unsure of boundaries. The funny thing was, I’d never felt so safe. That doesn’t sound very sexy or exciting, I suppose, but it was the most wonderful thing I’d ever felt in my life. I felt wanted and loved and safe. I knew with Jason as my support I could face anything.

My next step to healing was to share the truth with the other people I loved. Since Gracie had spent the night with my parents, we went to see Jason’s parents first. We had not shared very much of my story with them, and, thankfully, Jason agreed it was best if we kept it that way. James and Linda Hunter were wonderful people, of course, but it was no secret to those who knew them that Linda was very precocious and had a habit of thinking she and James were a little higher up on the social ladder than they really were. They had both been concerned when their only son wanted to marry a girl who not only came from a simple middle class family, but was also adopted. Jason had become very angry with his mother when she implied I could have come from any sort of trash before arriving at the Tipton’s door and did he really want to risk his future on such a drifter as me.

I had been the cause of a long hurtful riff in their home, but once they knew Jason was going to marry me with or without their blessing, they accepted me and made the best of it. With that kind of past, I was not ready to tell my in-laws I had been the victim of horrible physical and sexual abuse as a child. They knew I’d been searching to find my birth family. I teased Jason and told him that his parents were hoping that I discovered I’d been kidnapped by someone and actually came from royalty. It was too close to how they felt to really be funny. We only told them that I had located both sets of grandparents and that one of my grandfathers had already passed. I also told them I had discovered a younger brother. We explained that my birth father had died when I was only two and that my mother and stepfather had died in a house fire. I told them I had burned my hands in that fire and rescued my baby brother.

“I guess that is why I’d pushed it all back and refused to remember; the trauma of the fire.”

I knew it was the extremely abbreviated version of my story, but they seemed to accept it and gave me their sympathy for my loss. I told Jason I was sorry for not being completely honest with them, but he was more than understanding.

“Listen, Kat, I love my parents, but I also know them well. You did the right thing.”

I smiled and gave his hand a squeeze.

“Okay, on to the next one.”

Jason took Gracie home so I could see my parents alone. They had been in on what was happening from the start, and because they already knew some of the story, I only had to fill in the empty spaces where questions remained. When I told them about the final day and the things that happened to Evie before the fire, they both cried like their hearts were broken. I’d hoped they would not feel any guilt or responsibility for the things that had happened. After all, they hadn’t known I existed until all the bad things were over. They’d been the ones who helped me through the aftermath of the war. I guess the only surprise was when my gentle, quiet dad got so openly and vocally angry because someone had not only done that to a child but to his child. He clinched his fist and looked like he wanted to punch someone. I understood because I wanted to hurt Ralph Dark myself once I realized what he’d done. I knew if anyone had hurt my baby I would be ready to fight him like a wildcat. I walked up to my dad and hugged him tight.

“I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too, my sweet girl,” he said in a trembling voice. “So very much.”

My mother seemed to be having even more trouble dealing with the news than my dad. It was certainly more than I’d expected. She just seemed to be searching for what she needed to say. I was actually starting to worry she might think less of me now knowing what Ralph had done, but I knew that couldn’t be true. My mother loved me with her entire soul, and I had no fear that would ever change.

Finally I just told her to say what was on her heart. She took a deep cleansing breath and wiped her eyes with a tissue from the counter. Then she and my dad exchanged a knowing glance. He kissed us both on our foreheads, and then left the room. We sat across the table from each other, and I waited for her to work up the courage to tell me what she obviously wanted desperately to say. She began in a low voice, almost like a whisper. At first she wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

“Katie, I would like to tell you about my daddy.”

I know she saw the shock in my face, but I tried not to react. My mother had never talked about either of her parents a great deal. They were both dead by the time I came to be a part of the family, and I guess I just never thought much about it. I mean, at the time I basically had no past, so I wasn’t curious about Vanessa’s past either. I knew she had a couple of brothers who lived in California, but except for a phone call around Thanksgiving each year, they were never heard from. When all your family consists of the two people raising you, it just doesn’t seem strange that other people are not discussed.

“Katie, when I was a child my dad drank all the time. He was an alcoholic,” she said. “We were never really close. He was probably away from home more than he was there. He seemed more like an uncle or maybe just a friend of the family who came around every once in a while for a visit. About the only thing I remember about the man is that he loved to watch Popeye the Sailor Man cartoons and all kinds of westerns. My brothers and I would watch television with him. I remember he took Alka-Seltzer for his stomach, and I always wanted to drop them in the water for him and watch them bubble up. Oh, and he drank buttermilk and egg creams all the time. Egg creams are raw eggs with milk, vanilla, and sugar mixed up in a glass. My brothers and I liked making them for him, and we would help him drink them sometimes. They tasted really good.”

She looked out into what I guess was a nice memory for her, but then she looked at me with a more serious expression than before, and her voice was no longer a whisper. She wasn’t loud, just more precise with what she was saying.

“One day when he was about to leave for a few days, my mom told us kids to line up and give him a kiss good-bye. It was one of those times when she was trying to win him back and wanted everything nice at home so he would want to return… you know. My mother was at the kitchen sink washing the breakfast dishes and had her back to us.

Dad went to my oldest brother first. He was fifteen so they just shook hands and my brother, your uncle Keith, went back to his room. Next was my younger brother, your uncle Gordon. He was only nine and dad hugged him and kissed his cheek. Then it was my turn, and I fully expected to get a kiss on the cheek as well. My dad came at me with his mouth open and tried to put his tongue in my mouth. In those days a thirteen-year-old girl could be extremely naïve, and I had never even heard of a French kiss; but I did know that it didn’t feel right, so I pulled back. He tried a second and third time to kiss me with open mouth and tongue, but each time I pulled back. Finally he kissed my head and left.

My mother never realized what had taken place just inches from her and I never told her. I didn’t tell anyone. I just kept assuring myself that I had misunderstood what he was doing. Making something out of nothing, you might say. Then a few days after that, he came back for another visit. It was on a Friday night, and the following morning my mother left to get her hair done. She always got her hair done every Saturday morning till the day she died. I had just gotten out of bed and only had on the gown I’d slept in. It was short and made of a silky-type material, so I guess it revealed the small breasts I was just beginning to develop. I never thought anything was wrong with me walking around the house like that. I was a kid, and I had done it every morning for as long as I could remember.”