Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child (19 page)

She said this as if explaining it to me. I felt as if she didn’t want me to think badly of her. I patted her hand and just smiled what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

“There was nothing wrong with that, Mom. You were a little girl in your own home, and he was your dad.”

“He walked up to me and without warning put his hand inside my gown and onto my breast. It was only a second because I pulled away quickly and locked myself in the bathroom. I just stood in there crying, not really sure what to do. Then after a while he came to the door and said he was sorry. I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what to say. I couldn’t say ‘That’s okay’ because it wasn’t okay at all. He just left. I didn’t tell my mother about that either. I don’t know why I didn’t tell, but I think I felt that I had done something wrong and it would be my fault if he never came back and Mom and my brothers would be angry with me for messing it up.

For a very long time I tried to convince myself that he was drunk and didn’t realize what he was doing. He didn’t realize it was me. He couldn’t know it was his little girl he was doing those things to. But as I grew older and allowed myself to give it serious thought, I realized that in both situations he had just awakened  from a full night’s sleep and was completely sober.”

She looked at me for some sign of understanding. I gave her a hug and just held her for several minutes. I could tell she was crying, and I knew she needed that more than any words I might offer. So we cried for a while together for the little girls who were hurt by men who were supposed to be protectors. Finally she was ready to continue. She took my hands in hers and looked in my eyes with newfound power. My mother had released the hold her father had had on her all those years by telling his secret.

“Katie, I have known since you were first put in our care that you were raped by that man. When they brought you to the hospital after the fire, they examined you for other injuries, and, of course, it was discovered that you had been brutalized sexually. Oh, sweet girl, I had hoped for so long that you would never remember it. I was so afraid that the trauma would be too much for you. We thought that maybe you had set the house fire to punish him and when your mom caught fire too it was just more than you could process. When you were with us for over a year and Dr. Anna had not been able to help you remember, we just thought it was a blessing from God and you would never have to know what had happened to you that night. You could just live happy and free from guilt. I didn’t really understand until now that you had no reason to feel guilt and that by remembering you have taken your life back. Dr. Anna told me that was what needed to happen and that she hoped someday you would be ready to remember. I guess she was right.”

“So, Dr. Anna has known about this all along? Why didn’t she just tell me what she knew?”

“She only knew you had been raped. She knew that from the medical report just like we did. But none of us knew how the fire started or how you got burned so badly on your hands. She told us to never tell you because the mind has a way of protecting us from things we are not ready to remember. She said you needed to remember, but not until the time was right, and then you would be able to handle the memories and learn from them.”

“She was right, Mama. I see now that it had to be that way and I understand why Evie held on to those things for me until I could cope with them. She knew too when the time was right to reveal them.”

My mother sharing her story with me made me feel closer to her than I ever had. I was more certain than ever before that I wanted to help others. I knew that Dr. Anna was right when she said in order for a child to heal, she must be heard. Even, if that child is now a grandmother. Once the story is heard, the healing can begin, and the child can take the power away from the monster.

I wanted to assure the wonderful people who’d taken me in and raised me with so much love and support that I was going to be just fine. As I prepared to leave, my dad returned to the kitchen, and I gave them both one more hug and told them again how very much I loved them. My dad stood behind my mother and wrapped his arms around her. It had always made me smile to see that very tall man and my short mom embrace, but this time it just felt nice. They both still looked a little worried about me, so I made one last effort to explain things. The last thing I wanted was to cause them more worry.

“I know it is hard to hear what happened to me. I know it is almost impossible to understand the fact that I still believe Evie is holding on to the bad for me. Even now that I remember everything she has allowed me to separate from it in order to survive it. You both raised me with Christian values and beliefs. In my journey I have also found that my birth mother tried to do the same. God has brought me to this and will help me through it. Isn’t that what you have always told me, Mama?”

“Yes, baby,” Vanessa replied with a sniff. “I remember when you were about thirteen years old you were having a little problem with your looks and not knowing who you looked like. Your legs seemed too long for your body, and, like most girls at that age, you hated you hair, your shape, pretty much everything. It was also one of the few periods in your childhood when you seemed to wonder about your past a little. It was hard when friends would talk about past family holidays or trips, and you had no idea what yours might have been like. I told you then that we are all like clay. When we are born we are like a block that needs to be molded. God can make us perfect, but the world comes along and tries to change his creation. Events and hardships make dents in the clay. People can twist the clay and make it deformed or ugly. We can even do things to ourselves that alter it. But if we allow God to work his perfect plan, it will smooth out and be beautiful in the end. I realize this isn’t over and that you have a long way to go until you have healed, but I can already see God smoothing the rough edges with his comfort and molding you into his likeness.”

She was right. I knew that the only way I would heal was with God’s help. I prayed he would help me with the next leg of this healing journey.

Chapter Fourteen

My first conversation with my father’s parents had been surprisingly relaxed. I’d been a little reluctant to call Frank Moon’s parents. I really had no memory of my father at all. I had only been a small child when he died and until Evelyn had given me a note from them, I had not even considered them at all. I knew they lived very close to my grandmother and brother, so I decided that I would offer to come to Oklahoma and meet them. Then I could tell Evelyn and Stephen face-to-face about my resurfaced memory of Grace and Ralph’s final day. It really wasn’t the kind of thing I should tell them over the phone.

Jason was happy about my decision and gladly agreed to come with me. Gracie would come too to meet her other great-grandparents and to see Evelyn and her uncle Stephen again. She had asked about seeing them several times, and they had called and talked to her almost weekly since Christmas. They were family now. It felt right for them to be in my life and in Gracie’s too. I had high hopes that I would feel the same about the Moons once we got to know each other.

Our trip to Oklahoma was perfect. Frank and Ruth Moon were wonderful, caring people and accepted all three of us into their home and their life with open arms. We spent three days with them pouring over pictures of my father as a child. I could tell he was very loved and missed still today by his parents. He had been their only child, so to finally meet their granddaughter and great-granddaughter had been the thrill of their lives. I knew we would continue to stay in touch with them in the same way we would with Evelyn and Stephen.

I didn’t tell the Moons all of the details of my childhood or my mother’s tragic ending. I told them how much I wish I could remember their son and that he sounded like a wonderful father. I decided their loss was enough to deal with, and I would not add to their sadness by telling them the unbelievable torture that their beloved Frank’s one true love, his wife, and his only child had gone through after he was taken from them. I did tell them I didn’t think Grace ever stopped loving Frank. I think I was right on that even if no one told me.

Before heading back home, we stayed the night at Evelyn’s house. I told her that I had not given the Moons the full story and would appreciate it if she didn’t either. She agreed, but I knew she was on pins and needles, almost terrified of what I was about to tell her. Concerning what had happened the night her beloved daughter died in that fire. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to tell Evelyn and Stephen the whole story. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I gave them every gruesome detail up until the moment I became Katherine and the memories were hidden from me.

Evelyn cried for hours and must have apologized to me at least a thousand times. She was determined to take all the blame on herself for what had happened to me and to Grace.

“If I had not pushed her away when she came to us about the pregnancy, none of this would have happened. How can you ever forgive me, Katherine? How can I ever forgive myself?”

A twinge of guilt ran through me. Maybe that was the reason I’d told them the details of my story. Maybe I wanted her to feel bad for having turned her daughter away. I had no words of wisdom to make her feel better. I had gone through a long list of emotions during the past year. There had been days when I’d blamed her and Samuel Stewart for the roll they played in pushing their daughter away. I’d blamed Grace for not leaving Ralph sooner or for having ever let him in our lives in the first place. I’d even had a moment of being angry with Evie for making me remember all the horror. And I’d been angry with God for letting such a terrible thing happen to me. How can He let things like this exist in this world? But I knew from my Christian training that God has given us free choice. He wants everyone to follow him, but we must do it willingly. And when sin comes along and either causes us to do wrong or does wrong to us, we can lean on Him to get us through it.

I also knew that I had to forgive. Not so much for them but for me. Holding on to the anger and pain would only hurt me, and I wanted to heal—to get better. I even began working on forgiving Ralph. I can’t say that I am there yet, but I know he had his own demons that haunted him and contributed to the way he was. I know that God teaches that revenge belongs to Him and I know Ralph did not go unpunished for the things he did. That knowledge has made forgiving the others much easier. Rather than try to talk Evelyn out of feeling guilty, I gave her what she needed in order to heal from the guilt.

“I forgive you, grandmother, with all my heart.”

Evelyn burst into tears again and hugged my neck.

“Thank you so much, Katherine. Thank you for giving me that peace of mind.”

Stephan seemed to struggle with a little guilt too, but he also had used his logic to explain it away.

“I feel so bad for what the man who was my father did to you and to our mother; but, after all, I was an infant. There was nothing I could have done to stop him. I guess the one positive I get from this is the evidence that our mother must have loved us so deeply she gave her life to save ours. I want to make her proud,” he said and smiled.

“I think she is proud of both of us. I know I am.”

So many bad things had come into my life during the past year, but I’d also been blessed with so many dear people who were now my family. My once tiny family unit that didn’t go beyond my years with the Tipton’s now included several people and went way past the borders of the town I’d lived in for the past twenty years. I didn’t think it could get any better, but that wasn’t true.

I found out once we returned home that it was going to grow even more. Jason and I were pregnant.

***

It was time to go back to Harmony and visit Carla Wilson. Jason and Gracie were so exhausted from our trip that they decided not to go with me this time. Both had met Carla and knew they would see her again. She had become one of the most important people in my life. I had gotten into the habit of calling her and talking to her almost as often as I called my mother, Vanessa, but she had not pressured me for details. I’d waited until I could meet with her face-to-face to tell her what had really happened that night.

She, like Evelyn, felt great guilt and remorse. She was sure it was somehow all her fault that Grace and Evie had not escaped long before it got so bad.

“You would still have your dear mother,” she said, “and Evie would have survived.”

I simply gave her the same gift I’d given my grandmother and forgave her so she could forgive herself. I also thanked her for all she had been to me as a child.

“One of the few good memories I have recalled is of you, Carla, and the love you gave me as a little girl. Evie may not have had the courage to create a way out of the pain if you had not given her so much love. I think you are as much a part of Evie’s survival as I was.”

Carla was the only person that seemed to understand the relationship between my two selves. It was easy because she saw us as two separate people. Evie was the beautiful little girl who had stolen her heart and made her feel like a grandmother. Katherine was the strong young woman she had met only a few months ago. Evie had died that night for Carla, too.

“When you came to my house that night, I knew you would never be that little girl again. Back then I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone, but I grieved for Evie at the same time I grieved for Grace and made my peace long ago,” she admitted.

I knew Carla would in many ways be more like a grandmother to me than the two true grandmothers I now knew. She was the only one that came with childhood memories, as a grandmother should. I shared my news with her about the pregnancy and promised to come back soon and bring Gracie with me.

Dear Evie:

I hope you have found peace where you are. I believe you have. My wish is that you are with Frank and Grace somewhere and will wait for me to join you someday along with all our family. I think it is safe to say Ralph is not invited to that reunion. I am so sorry for what happened to you, Evie. I hope you know, as I do, that none of it was your fault.

I want to thank you for taking the pain from me so I could live a life of peace. We are going to have another baby. I hope in some way you are able to enjoy the new memories of our children. I know that they will enjoy their childhood in a way you were never able to. I pray that peace will fill both our hearts until we truly do unite someday.

I love you, Evie… I promise.

Katherine

Each time I talked about what had happened to me as that little girl so long ago, it became easier. Every time I told someone I cried less and felt stronger. I knew I was healing by telling. Secrets give the perpetrator power and keep you a victim. The more you tell, the stronger you become and the less power they have over you. As I prepared to start my sessions with Dr. Anna again, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to do for others what Dr. Anna had done for me. I wanted to help victims of abuse take back their lives. I wanted to help woman escape before it was too late. I wanted to help children find their voice. I wanted to make a difference, at least in my small corner of the world, to as many people as I could. I knew I had a long way to go before I was finished with my own healing, but at long last Evie had been heard.