Death of a Coupon Clipper (6 page)

BOOK: Death of a Coupon Clipper
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Chapter 9
Hayley felt his lips press firmly against hers. His strong hands were gripping her
upper arms, pulling her close to him. She thought he was going to suck her lips right
off her face. She tried desperately to keep them shut, because her biggest fear at
the moment was opening her mouth to scream and giving him the chance to thrust his
purplish tongue down her throat. That was something she was never going to allow to
happen.
He was tall and obviously worked out. He had a rock-hard chest, curly grayish hair,
and a Tom Selleck mustache. He almost looked a bit like a younger version of Alex
Trebek from
Jeopardy!
Which would make sense. They both made their living as game show hosts. But there
was something seedier, less polished, about Drew Nickerson, who now held Hayley tightly
and didn’t seem to notice her trying to wriggle free from him.
It had all started so innocently.
Earlier that morning when Hayley arrived at work, Sal called her into his office and
announced she would be interviewing Drew Nickerson, the dapper host of
Wild and Crazy Couponing.
Hayley was curious as to why she was qualified to interview a celebrity. Her job
was food and cocktails. But ever since Hayley had fibbed her way into a hotel room
last fall to meet her country music singing idol, Wade Springer, by posing as the
Island Times
entertainment reporter, Sal had decided she could fulfill that role on occasion.
Hayley didn’t protest because, after all, how many stars came to Bar Harbor? It’s
not like she would ever have to actually interview a famous personality. That was
before
Wild and Crazy Couponing
had decided to tape an episode in town. Sal was elated at the prospect of one of
his reporters, who also happened to be a contestant on the upcoming show, getting
up close and personal with the suave, smooth-talking TV host.
Hayley just had no idea how “up close and personal” the interview would get.
Drew had arrived the night before and checked into the Captain’s Arms, one of the
few bed-and-breakfasts in town that was open during the winter. Sal gave Hayley a
ride over at the appointed time of 11:00
A.M.
, giving Drew enough time to enjoy breakfast, lift his weights, which he always traveled
with whenever he was on the road, shower and dress, gel his hair, and douse himself
with some sweet-smelling but masculine cologne.
Hayley instructed Sal to swing by the B and B in thirty minutes to pick her up. She
couldn’t imagine her questions requiring any more time than that for Drew to answer.
When she knocked on the door of his first-floor corner room, she could hear classical
music playing inside. Vivaldi’s
Four Seasons.
Something she actually could identify, which amazed her.
The door opened and Drew stood there. He was an impressive sight. Tall. Handsome.
A jaw you could crack a walnut on. He smiled. The teeth were blinding. He would’ve
made a much better Dudley Do-Right in a movie than Brendan Fraser. Except for his
personality. He exuded arrogance. Entitlement. And he hadn’t even spoken yet.
“Why are there no decent restaurants in this town?”
Suspicions confirmed.
“Well, Mr. Nickerson, it’s February and most of the good ones are shut down for the
season,” Hayley said. “But if you come back in June or July, we have many fine establishments
with creative gourmet menus—”
“I was told by some friends to come early before we taped the show to enjoy the pleasures
of this quaint little town, and not a damn thing’s open.”
“Well, I’m sure your friends visited here in June or July or—”
“I thought Martha Stewart lived around here. You would think if she had a house on
the island, there would be some edible food somewhere!”
“Well, she’s mostly up here during the summer, and like I said, it’s Februar y. .
. .”
“I know what month it is. I’m not an imbecile.”
“Well, things are pretty quiet around here this time of year.”
“Even worse, I’m stuck staying in this dump. The sink clogs up, there is no mini bar,
and the thread count on my sheets is lower than the owner’s IQ.”
This interview was not off to a good start.
But then something changed.
He fixed Hayley with a stare as if noticing her for the first time.
“Well, aren’t you a cute little thing.”
Hayley had been called “cute” before.
Even “thing.”
But “little”?
Never.
Drew opened the door wider to allow Hayley to enter. A voice inside her head screamed
at her to run, but she knew Sal would be disappointed if she failed to secure the
interview. So she crossed the threshold with trepidation. The door slammed shut behind
her.
Vivaldi’s
Four Seasons
ended. She expected another classical piece to follow, but instead she heard Marvin
Gaye singing his classic “Let’s Get It On.”
Drew Nickerson’s iPod was on shuffle.
She spun around and he was staring at her with a wolfish grin.
“So, if, uh, you don’t mind, I—I have a few qu-questions . . . ,” Hayley stammered.
“Fire away,” Drew said, moving forward and brazenly entering her personal space.
He was so close that her nose almost touched his Adam’s apple.
“Okay, well, what made the show decide to tape an episode here in Bar Harbor?”
Drew exhaled his breath. Hayley was hit with a blast of mint. At least he brushed
and gargled. For that, she was grateful.
“I’ve always been a fan of this beautiful little hamlet. I’ve spent many summers boating
around the island, browsing the gift shops, enjoying your famous lobster rolls, but
here, now, in the dead of winter, I am happy to report Bar Harbor is just as charming
and inviting.”
Hayley looked up at him, her mouth agape. “Didn’t you just say . . . ?”
“That was off the record. This is on the record.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“In fact, there are fun little surprises to be found everywhere in this town,” Drew
said, stepping closer to Hayley as she tried casually backing away from him.
Did he just call her “little” again?
“Great. I think I’ve got what I need,” Hayley said quickly, eyeing the door.
“That was just one question. I’m all yours. Ask me anything.”
“No. I think that will do it.”
“Then let me ask you a question.”
“Uh, I really should go. . . .”
“Are you as hot with desire as I am?”
“Probably not, to be honest.”
“Those adorable rosy cheeks tell another story.”
“I’m just embarrassed for you, that’s all.”
“I know all about you shy small-town girls. You just need a little push.”
He called her a “girl.” Okay. Points for that one. No, on second thought, he was too
disgusting. No points at all.
And that’s when he grabbed Hayley by the arms and rammed his lips into hers, and now
she was caught in an impossibly grotesque situation.
 
 
Hayley would’ve preferred Alex Trebek making a pass at her.
Not this scumbag.
She struggled in his strong grip. It just made him even more excited.
He was backing her toward the blue-and-white canopy bed.
She reached up with her right hand and grabbed his dimpled Dudley Do-Right chin, yanking
it down hard. His tongue snaked out of his mouth; he shut his eyes tightly, as if
he assumed this was foreplay.
Hayley grabbed hold of his tongue and pulled hard. His eyes suddenly popped open in
surprise and he tried saying something. He couldn’t, though, because Hayley was holding
on to his tongue like some slippery, flopping fish on the deck of Mona’s boat. When
she let go, he retracted his tongue and immediately began rolling it around in his
mouth to check for damage.
That’s when Hayley slapped him.
Hard.
He stumbled back, caught off guard, throwing a hand to his cheek.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he wailed.
“Teaching you some manners,” Hayley said. “I’m sure where you come from, girls fall
over themselves to get your attention. Here in Maine, we don’t give a rat’s ass about
how much money you have or how many people know you.”
He stood there silently, sizing her up and down, deciding on his next move.
Hayley didn’t wait for it.
She whipped her head around and hightailed it out of there.
She had only been in the room for ten minutes. Sal wasn’t scheduled to swing by and
pick her up for another twenty. So she trudged on foot through the mud and snow back
to the office.
She had really done it this time. Her genius plan to win the show, collect the cash
prize, and pay off all her hefty expenses was suddenly in jeopardy. Now that she had
completely alienated the host of
Wild and Crazy Couponing,
who would inevitably discover that she was also one of the two contestants competing
on the show, she was totally screwed.
Because Drew Nickerson was definitely the type of man who would not soon forget she
had done him wrong. And it was more than likely he would find a way to sabotage her
chances of even being on the show, let alone winning.
Chapter 10
After her ill-fated interview with the detestable Drew Nickerson, Hayley was too upset
at the office to concentrate on her next column, so she put it off until that evening.
She knew Randy would be working late tending the bar, so she would have the whole
house to herself. After a bowl of her leftover beef stew, Hayley washed the dishes
and sat down in front of the crackling fire with her laptop. She stared at the blank
screen while Leroy slept next to her, snoring softly.
She hadn’t even thought about a topic. Hayley knew she was the queen of procrastination,
but this column was due today, which technically gave her another three hours before
midnight, so she had to focus.
Meals on a budget. Meals on a budget.
She barely had begun typing when the house phone rang. Hayley sighed, stood up, and
picked up the receiver. She checked the caller ID. It was Randy calling from Drinks
Like A Fish.
Hayley picked up. “Slow night? You bored and calling to bug me?”
“No, sis, this is bad.”
Hayley’s heart nearly stopped beating as she clenched the receiver more tightly. “What?
What is it now?”
“Officer Donnie was in here again tonight, calming his nerves with a beer, when he
got a call on his radio.”
Hayley took a deep breath. “What?”
“Bad accident on Mount Desert Street. Two-car collision.”
“Anyone hurt?”
“I’m not sure. He ran out of here so fast. But one of the drivers was Imogen Tubbs.”
Imogen Tubbs. Hayley had a soft spot for the eighty-five-year-old church organist.
Seven years ago her husband had passed away of natural causes. He was ninety-three.
Because they had no children and had been married for over sixty years, most people
in town naturally assumed his loss would be too much for her and she would wither
and die soon after. Imogen, however, surprised everyone. She poured her energies into
fund-raising for the church and feeding poor people in need all over the island. She
was a spitfire and didn’t allow her age to hinder her in any way. She powered around
town in her giant 1982 Cadillac, driving as if she were racing in Le Mans. There were
a few whispers that it might be a good idea for the police to confiscate her driver’s
license, given Imogen’s advanced age, but she swept that ridiculous talk aside as
malicious gossip. She had too much to do and didn’t need to waste her time thinking
about her detractors. Hayley had always liked Imogen.
“Who was in the other car?” Hayley asked.
“I don’t know. That’s all I got before he left.”
“Thanks, Randy.”
Hayley hung up and immediately called the hospital.
Evelyn Tate, the hospital receptionist still on duty, answered the phone. “Bar Harbor
Hospital, how may I help you?”
“Hi, Evelyn, it’s Hayley Powell.”
“Hello, Hayley. Lex isn’t here. He left ten minutes ago. I’m afraid there has been
no change in Mr. Hollingsworth’s condition. The doctors insisted Lex go home and get
some rest and come back in the morning.”
“That’s not why I’m calling, Evelyn. I need to know if anyone was brought in by ambulance
in the last hour.”
“Yes. Mrs. Tubbs. Poor thing. Rammed into a car on Mount Desert Street. I heard she
was driving on the wrong side of the road. She’s eighty-five, you know.”
“Is she going to be all right?”
“I don’t know. I was on my break when they brought her in. I just heard the nurses
talking.”
“I’m coming right over,” Hayley said, hanging up and scurrying over to the closet
to grab her coat and boots.
 
 
When Hayley rushed through the doors of the hospital twenty minutes later, Evelyn
was still at the reception desk. She waved her on up to the third floor, where they
had taken Mrs. Tubbs. Upon reaching the nurses’ station, Hayley was greeted by a smiling
Tilly McVety.
“Congratulations, Hayley. I hear you were picked to be a contestant on my favorite
show,
Wild and Crazy Couponing.
I can’t believe they’re coming to Bar Harbor! It’s the most exciting thing that’s
ever happened to me, and it’s not even happening to
me
!”
“Tilly, I was hoping you could tell me—”
“I’m just dying to get a glimpse of that gorgeous hunk of a man Drew Nickerson. I
wonder if he’s as handsome in person as he is on TV?”
Hayley didn’t have time to give her the lowdown: Drew Nickerson was about as charming
as Officer Donnie’s case of shingles.
“Tilly, I’m here to see Mrs. Tubbs. I heard she was brought in here by ambulance.
Do you have any idea how she’s doing?”
“Oh, she’s fine,” Tilly said, picking up a file folder and thumbing through it. “Do
you believe they still let her drive? They’re checking to see if she has any broken
bones.”
“Can I see her?”
“Oh, sure. She’s right across the hall. Room 305.”
“Thanks.”
“I know Candace is one of my coworkers, but I really hope you beat her,” Tilly said
in a whisper, followed by a burst of giggles. “Don’t tell her I said that.”
So it was finally confirmed.
Her competition was Candace.
Hayley smiled and then crossed to room 305 and gently knocked on the door.
“Come in,” a frail, raspy voice said.
Hayley pushed open the door. As she entered, she saw Imogen Tubbs in a pale blue hospital
gown, sitting up in her bed, clutching her red purse to her bosom. Imogen was usually
immaculate, with perfect hair tied in a bun and flawless makeup. She had been crying,
so her makeup was smudged and wisps of her fine white hair were flowing in all different
directions. She looked smaller than Hayley remembered. Almost helpless.
“Don’t let them take away my driver’s license, Hayley. Officer Donnie tried to take
it out of my purse, but I grabbed my purse back from him and swatted him in the face
with it. His nose started to bleed. Do you think I’m going to have to go to jail for
assault?”
“I don’t think Officer Donnie wants to lock you up, Mrs. Tubbs. He’s probably more
embarrassed that you got the better of him. How are you feeling?”
“I’m perfectly fine. But the doctors think I may have a broken bone or two. I just
want to go home.”
“Do you remember what happened?”
“I don’t remember much. I went to practice on my organ at home for Sunday’s service,
but I forgot my music sheets at the church. I decided to drive back over there and
pick them up, and the rest is a blur. I’m so confused. Do you think I have early onset
of Alzheimer’s?”
Early onset?
The woman was eighty-five!
Hayley shook her head. “You’re as sharp as ever, Mrs. Tubbs. Trust me.”
“I do remember the roads being just so dang slippery, and I thought I might have to
pull over. But then the next thing I knew, I was being loaded into the back of an
ambulance by that sweet paramedic, Jay Higgins. He’s so big and strong and quite the
looker. If I was ten years younger . . .”
Ten years younger?
Jay was thirty-seven.
Mrs. Tubbs reached out and squeezed Hayley’s hand. “Please, Hayley, you have to go
over to my house and check on Blueberry.”
Blueberry was her Persian Blue cat, hence the name.
“Don’t worry,” Hayley said softly. “I’ll make sure he’s okay.”
“He’s probably torn up my couch with his claws—he’s so worried about me. I never leave
him alone for this long. Oh, and while you’re there, could you also pick up some personal
items for me? My makeup, a hairbrush, a few magazines from my coffee table? There’s
no telling how long they’re going to keep me here.”
“Absolutely,” Hayley said, bending down and kissing Mrs. Tubbs on the forehead. “I’ll
take care of everything.”
Hayley had a soft spot for feisty old women like Mrs. Tubbs. Perhaps it was because
she was hoping to be just like her someday.
Hayley walked out of the room and past the nurses’ station. Tilly McVety was on the
phone.
“She’s over two hours late for her shift and I can’t reach her,” Tilly said breathlessly,
her face scrunched up with concern.
The elevator doors opened and Hayley stepped inside. As the doors closed again, she
managed to hear Tilly say, “It’s so unlike Candace not to at least call with an excuse.”
 
 
Hayley left the hospital to make the three-block trek to Imogen Tubbs’s house. Trudging
through the snow, bundled up, breathing in the blistering cold night air, she suddenly
realized Mrs. Tubbs was Candace Culpepper’s neighbor. Hayley was burning with curiosity
as to why Candace blew off work. Maybe after feeding Blueberry and packing up a few
of Mrs. Tubbs’s belongings, she would peek inside Candace’s windows to see if she
was just playing hookey from work.
Not because she was nosy.
Just out of neighborly concern.
Yeah, right.
As Hayley rounded the corner onto Hancock Street, she noticed all the lights on in
Mrs. Tubbs’s house. Candace’s house next door, on the other hand, was pitch-black.
Clearly, nobody was home. As she approached Mrs. Tubbs’s driveway, she noticed something
on the edge of Candace’s snow-covered lawn, like a fallen tree branch. However, since
the streetlight closest to the house was out, she couldn’t be sure.
As she got closer, she stopped suddenly, nearly losing her balance on the icy sidewalk.
Was it a deer?
What was it?
It was so dark that Hayley couldn’t see much except the outline in the snow. She fished
inside her coat pocket and fetched her iPhone. She pressed the button and a light
snapped on, illuminating the figure in the snow.
It wasn’t a deer.
It was a person.
Facedown in the snow, his arms and legs splayed as if making a snow angel.
Hayley stepped closer.
The head was turned to the side, facing her.
It wasn’t a him.
It was a her.
It was Candace Culpepper.
Her glassy, dead eyes stared at Hayley.
Hayley tried to scream, but it got caught in her throat. It was so cold that she was
having trouble breathing.
As the winter winds kicked up, coupons began flying up from the ground like a flock
of birds disturbed by an approaching car.
And then the light from her phone caught a glint of something.
A large pair of industrial-size scissors sticking out of Candace’s back.
Island Food & Spirits by Hayley Powell
All my closest friends will tell you that I am never one to toot my own horn. So they’re
going to be shocked today when they read this because I’m about to indulge myself
and brag a bit. Okay. Here we go. I can say with certainty that I am a pretty darn
good coupon clipper.
Over the past couple of years, I have been honing my skills, and—dare I say it—I am
now at a competition level. And I am so thrilled to be able to tell you that I have
been selected to compete on that breathlessly exciting cable-TV game show
Wild and Crazy Couponing
! Be still, my heart! They’re going to tape an episode right here in our very own
Bar Harbor, Maine! Needless to say, I am just beside myself to finally have a venue
to showcase my impressive couponing talent!
However, it wasn’t always like this. Not by a long shot. A couple of years ago, I
was sitting in my living room where I watched a TV show about couponing. I found myself
mesmerized, watching all these obsessed, bargain-hunting families saving huge amounts
of cash and filling their houses with giant stockpiles of practically free stuff.
Just looking at the tall metal shelves in their garages or extra bedrooms piled high
with tons of toilet paper, paper towels, toothpaste, snacks, pastas, and so much more
just about made me swoon with excitement! No more worrying about natural disasters
or nuclear attacks! These families were fully stocked and prepared! My head was spinning
with thoughts of how much money I could save and how much less time I would have to
spend at the grocery store.
How hard could couponing be? Especially since every year, the whole week before Thanksgiving,
Mona and I pore over every sale flyer that we can find, chart our driving course from
store to store in Bangor, map out the aisles for the fastest way to get to the items
that we want, and even schedule in a break or two. Then, the day after Thanksgiving,
when most people are still stuffed with turkey and unable to move, Mona and I are
in her truck by five in the morning, armed with thermoses of coffee, homemade blueberry
muffins, and our Christmas shopping lists. We head off to the stores; our lists are
mapped out with military-like precision, to make the most of “Black Friday” shopping.
By the end of the day, we’re tired, happy, and completely loaded down with this year’s
Christmas gifts, congratulating each other on the way home on a job well done as we
immediately begin strategizing for next year.
So couponing seemed like a natural for me. I began clipping stacks of them from wherever
I could find them. Just browsing all the items I could save money on kept me clipping
away and preparing for my first shopping trip later in the week. Finally, when I felt
I had enough to work with, I marched into the Shop ’n Save with my envelope stuffed
with coupons and visions of dollar signs dancing in my head.
I grabbed a cart and practically did a jig as I headed up and down the aisles, boldly
tossing items into my cart. I made a beeline for the meat department and, sure enough,
there was a sale on ground beef. I had at least four coupons! I had never been able
to buy lean ground beef for the amount I would pay today. It was a miracle!
Since this was my first shopping trip with all these coupons, I overprepared by bringing
fifty dollars to spend, because I figured I wasn’t practiced enough to walk away with
hundreds of dollars’ worth of groceries for just ten or twenty dollars. I would have
to work up to that. But in my head I was calculating the amount I would save with
the coupons and was feeling very confident and excited. With all the extra money,
I just might eventually be able to afford for the living room that new recliner, with
its very own cup holder, I had been coveting at Merrill’s Furniture in Ellsworth.
With my cart overflowing, I patiently waited my turn in line, and then began unloading
my haul. Bethany, the cashier, kept ringing up my purchases until I proudly set down
my last item with a flourish on the conveyor belt, and Bethany hit the total button.
The grand total came to $353.42. I think my jaw hit the floor. But then Bethany asked
if I had any coupons today and I said, perhaps a tad too loudly, “Why, yes, Bethany,
I do!” I handed over my stack of coupons to her while glancing around with a big grin
on my face. That’s when I noticed there were more than the usual number of people
standing around the checkout line. I may have mentioned to a few people how good I
was at this couponing thing and I was going to save hundreds of dollars, so that may
have drawn a few spectators.
At first, I was elated when I saw the total begin to drop dramatically, but then as
she kept scanning, my heart started pounding. The stack of coupons was dwindling fast,
but my grand total was still over three hundred bucks. I didn’t dare even look at
the small crowd gathered to witness my miraculous feat. I watched, horrified, as Bethany
swiped the last coupon through and hit the total button again: $298.18.
Inside, I was screaming. And as I looked around at all the startled faces staring
at me, I suddenly realized I wasn’t screaming to myself. I was actually screaming
out loud. My high-pitched screeching even made a baby in the nearby express checkout
line cry. What in the world was I going to do? Where did I go wrong? Well, I would
later learn I needed to focus on the sale amounts of products and practice using double
coupons. But that wasn’t going to help me now when I only had a measly fifty dollars
in my wallet.
At that moment the automatic door to the store swished open and in walked an angel
from heaven. Well, at least an angel from down the street. One of my best friends,
Liddy, stopped in the doorway and surveyed the silent crowd of gawkers. She then took
in the frozen, panicked look on my face and rushed over to see what was happening.
After I quickly explained my predicament, Liddy opened her wallet and paid my balance,
and then we left the store, almost forgetting the huge cart of groceries I had just
bought. Despite this minor setback, in my head I was already planning my next couponing
adventure, hoping the next time would yield better results! And I’m happy to report
it did.
The upshot from that first day was how much I did save on twelve pounds of ground
beef, which I could freeze and use throughout the winter. So as part of our budget-friendly
meals for today, it’s going to be “Taco Tuesday”! And nothing goes better with Mexican
food than a large pitcher of jalapeno margaritas. These will definitely help you ward
off the chill in the air!
Jalapeno Margaritas
Ingredients
1 thin slice of jalapeno
1 handful of celery leaves
6 ounces fresh lime juice
1 spoonful confectioner’s sugar
16 ounces of your favorite tequila
8 ounces of orange liqueur
Salt for rimming the glasses
 
In a blender add the jalapeno, celery leaves, fresh lime juice, and sugar and blend
well. Mix with the tequila and orange liqueur in a pitcher; chill and serve on the
rocks with salted rimmed glasses. Salute!
 
 
There is nothing more comforting than homemade tacos to warm you up on a cold February
night in Maine. You can double or even triple this recipe depending on how many people
you want to feed:
Taco Tuesday’s Warm-Me-Up Tacos
Ingredients
2 tablespoons canola oil
¾ cups chopped onions
1 pound ground beef
2 to 3 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tablespoon chili powder
2 teaspoons cumin
2 teaspoons ground coriander
½ teaspoon kosher salt
½ teaspoon ground pepper
8-ounce can of tomato sauce
1 fresh jalapeno, seeded and minced (I like to keep some seeds for heat)
 
In a skillet heat your canola oil on medium heat and then add the chopped onions and
minced jalapenos, cook for 2 minutes, then add the chopped garlic and cook one minute.
Add the ground beef, breaking it up with a wooden spoon, and cook until browned.
 
When the ground beef is browned, drain off the grease and add the rest of the ingredients,
stirring well to incorporate them, then simmer on medium heat for 10 to 15 minutes
for flavors to meld together.
 
Use your favorite taco shells or flour tortillas and your favorite taco toppings and
enjoy your own Cinco de Mayo in February!
BOOK: Death of a Coupon Clipper
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