Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven (4 page)

“He paid Eduardo’s mother off and made the problem go away. And for that, I owe him. For the rest of my life I’ll owe him.”

There it was. The ultimate secret that Fin had guarded from me. I could feel it. This was the one. And he’d finally broken himself open and showed it to me. I struggled to find the right words to say.

“So what do you think of me now, Marisol? Knowing I have blood on my hands?” His voice was hard like he was daring me to say something.

He wanted me to call him a murderer. It was easier that way. It would just confirm all the ugly nasty things he thought about himself already.

I’d never really understood him, but I was starting to. Fin hated himself. Really, really hated himself.

“It wasn’t your fault, Fin.” I predicted his reaction, and I was right.

He laughed and shook his head. “You think too highly of me, Marisol. And you’re blinded. I killed someone and I got out of it. If I was anyone else, you’d say I belonged in jail.” That wasn’t true.

“Don’t tell me how I feel, Fin. Don’t tell me how I think, because you don’t know. You’re determined to see the worst in people because you see the worst in yourself. It’s so much easier that way.”

He jumped to his feet and his face got red. “It’s not fucking easy, Marisol. I live with this shit every single day and it’s not easy. I used to wonder if I should continue living at all. What do you have to say to that?” I tried not to react. He was baiting me. Trying to make me fight with him.

“I know it’s not easy, Fin. But that one moment in your life doesn’t have to define you. Your father, the real monster in this situation, has spent years warping your mind, making you believe the worst. But no matter what you tell me, I’m still going to be here. I’m not running, no matter what.”

It wasn’t until I said those words aloud that I knew the truth. I’d been waiting for that one secret, that one thing that would make me run. That would make me hate him, or despise him.

But it didn’t matter. There wasn’t anything he could tell me that would make me run.

Because I was in love with him.

M
y revelation hit me much harder than Fin’s truth, and I nearly gasped. How had I not seen it sooner? I’d been denying it and denying it, but I couldn’t anymore. I loved him. It didn’t make sense, but I did. I was in love with this complicated, controlling, damaged, handsome, infuriating man.

Fin took my silence for horror.

“Yeah, exactly. I knew this would happen. Now that I told you you’ve decided that we can no longer be together. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised.” He raked his hand through his hair and started pacing.

“No! No, that’s not it at all. I was just thinking.” About the fact that I’m in love with you, I didn’t say.

“Thinking about what?” he asked, turning around.

I licked my lips. If I told him I loved him at this particular moment, I didn’t think it would go over well. He was too angry and too worked up.

Now I had my own secret. It banged around in my chest like a trapped bird, clawing and tearing at me to get free.

“How I wish your father were here so I could tell him what I really think of him. How could he do this to you?” This went beyond sick. Beyond some sort of strange resentment toward Fin. His father was evil.

“He couldn’t have done it to me if I didn’t let him, so what does that make me?” I loved him so much, but if I told him I did, he wouldn’t believe me.

“It makes you human. And vulnerable. I know you don’t like to be vulnerable, but you were in that moment, and your father took it and spun it into something else and he’s been using it against you your entire life. You’re his prisoner.”

This time Fin was speechless. Hopefully because I was right.

“I didn’t want this. I never wanted this,” he muttered. “This was why I stayed away.”

“Well, you didn’t. And now we’re in this together. Because I’m not leaving you. No matter what.” It wasn’t a declaration of love, but it was close.

“I’m so sorry you got dragged into this. It’s my fault. I never should have flirted with you.” Regrets did no good at this point.

“But you did, and I flirted back, and we started this thing. Together. Yes, you had secrets, but I knew you did and I was willing to overlook them. It takes two people to be in a relationship.”

He started to protest, but I put my hand up.

“No, let me get this out. I’m glad you told me. Because now that secret isn’t standing in our way anymore, and we can move past it. Together. I still want you. All of you.” I was so close to saying what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t going to. Not yet.

“How? How can we move past it?”

I stood up and walked toward him and took his hands in mine. “I don’t know, but I do know that I’m going to help you. I can’t do this for you, but I can help. And I can be there to support you. When that boy died, you needed someone to support you. I wish I could have been there to tell you it wasn’t your fault. But I’m here now and you’re going to get past this. You’re not a prisoner anymore. You’re going to set yourself free.” I wanted to set him free in the worst way, but I couldn’t. He had to do it on his own. The hard work would be his, but at least I could be there to hold his hand. Because I loved him.

“You would do that for me?” He squeezed my hands, his voice so quiet and soft.

“Yes. I would.” And in that process of freeing himself, I wanted him to learn how to love himself. But I didn’t tell him that part. I knew he wouldn’t believe that he could.

I leaned down and kissed his knuckles. “I’d do anything for you.”

Fin and I sat on my couch for a long time, neither of us talking about anything, sitting with our separate thoughts. I almost wished I could crawl into his brain and see what he was thinking about. It probably wasn’t anything good.

I finally broke the silence. “Have you ever thought about seeing someone? Like a professional?”

He stiffened against me.

“That would require me to actually tell someone what happened and I’m not going to do that.” Unconsciously, he clenched his fists. I should have assumed that would be his reaction.

“You told me,” I said.

He reached out and stroked my cheek. “You’re different. You’re . . . you.” Well, that certainly explained everything.

“I can’t be your therapist, Fin. I want to be, but I can’t. I’ll help you in any way I can, but you have to do the work, too.” It killed me to say those words. I wanted to do this for him. So much.

He shook his head and looked down at his hands, clenching and unclenching his fists.

“I didn’t want to do this. I had a whole plan, you know. I was going to attack you and take you to my bedroom and show you how much I missed you. For at least two days straight. I was going to have food delivered periodically, but I wasn’t going to let you leave.” He looked up at me and his eyes changed again. If I let him, he’d completely derail everything we’d just been through and try to distract me with sex.

As much as it pained me to say no to him, I was going to have to.

“Fin,” I said, a warning tone in my voice. “You’re not going to distract me from talking by propositioning me. This,” I gestured to my body, “is off-limits for the time being.”

His eyes narrowed slowly. “You’re going to deny me?”

Hey, it sucked as much for me as it did for him. But we couldn’t move forward if we just jumped into bed together. We couldn’t work through this with sex. It would only put things on a shelf for a while, but they’d still be there when we got out of bed.

“Yes. For right now. We need to talk and figure out what our next step is.” God, this was going to suck. So, so much.

“Can I register my hatred of this plan? I just flew hours to see you, to touch you, and now you’re going to shut the door in my face?” He was getting mad, but that wasn’t going to change my mind.

I crossed my arms. “You know I’m right. You may not want to admit it, but you know I am.”

“You know you want me, Marisol. I don’t think you can say no to me.” It wasn’t going to be easy, but I’d made up my mind.

“Don’t you miss me?” He was really turning it on. He reached toward me, barely brushing the skin on my arm and making goosebumps erupt. This wasn’t fair. I was trying to help him and he didn’t want me to.

I was starting to see a pattern. With me at his mercy in the bedroom, he didn’t have to think or talk about anything he didn’t want to. It was his safe place, where he made the rules and could change anything he wanted. A fantasy.

But this was life, and he had to face it.

“Fin, stop,” I said, but he didn’t. He just leaned closer.

“I miss you so much,” he whispered, invading my space. I didn’t move back, but I tried not to move closer to him.

“Fin,” I said, my voice sharp. I’d never used our designated safeword, and I never wanted to be in a position to, but this had to end somewhere, and I didn’t think he knew how to stop. “I said no.” He growled at me and my body started to respond to him, but I let my head take the lead.

“Don’t make me say it. Don’t make me use the safeword.” At the mention of the safeword, he pulled back and looked deep in my eyes.

“You wouldn’t,” he said, trying to call my bluff. But I wasn’t bluffing.

“I would. Please don’t make me.”

His lips narrowed and formed a line as he sat back. “Fine. If that’s the way you want it.”

No, it wasn’t, really. I wanted us to be a normal couple with a little kink in the bedroom. I wanted him to know he was strong enough to face his past.

“You know I want you. Don’t dare assume that I’m doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this because . . . because . . .” Oh no, I was going to say it. I didn’t think I could stop. I thought I’d be able to save it, but the words wanted out.

“Because why, Marisol?” His words were another challenge. Would I show my cards?

“Because I love you!” If I was gonna say it, I was going to yell it. So I did.

There it was. I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t blame it on being drunk. The truth. Out loud for the first time.

I
thought he was going to say something right away. Tell me I didn’t know what I was talking about. That I couldn’t love him. But Fin seemed to be struck speechless.

“I love you,” I said again, more quietly this time. “I’ve been feeling it for a while, but I guess I didn’t realize it until today.” I closed my mouth so I wouldn’t babble to fill the silence.