Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven (5 page)

I didn’t expect him to say it back, but I expected him to say
something.
But he just sat there, staring down at his hands.

“I know that might not be what you wanted to hear, but I had to say it. Now I just want you to believe that you can be loved, Fin.” Because that was ultimately what would keep us apart. Not his past. Not his father. Fin didn’t believe that anyone could love him.

But I did.

He slowly shook his head back and forth. “How can you love me?” he said, so quiet I almost didn’t hear him, but I saw his lips move.

“For a lot of reasons, Fin. You’re a good man, even though you don’t think you are. You can’t hide it. Despite all that you’ve been through, you can still laugh and be funny and find joy in life. Yes, you have darkness in you too, but you don’t hide from it. You embrace that part of you and you introduced it to me. I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love that you make me laugh and turn me on. I love that you are a total control freak, but you’re not an asshole. There are these two sides of you, and I love them both. We all have light and dark in us. Mine just happens to be in love with yours.”

I didn’t think about my words, I just let them come. Let them fly free. No matter what happened now, at least I told him. If he walked away after I laid everything out, at least I tried. I couldn’t make him want to be with me if he didn’t.

“So that’s what I have to say.”

He coughed and took a shaky breath.
Please say something
.

“I never thought,” he said, and then paused, starting over. “I didn’t want . . . you . . .” My words had come so easily, but his were scattered, thoughts unfinished.

“I always told myself that love was for certain people. Good people. People not like me. I knew I’d never have it, and I was fine with that. I got what I needed and it worked for me. And then you had to come along and ruin all my plans.” He smiled for a moment, but it vanished quickly.

“I was intrigued by you, interested in you, attracted to you. I thought we’d have a brief flirtation. Something new and exciting. It would be bright and hot and would burn itself out. And then it didn’t. My feelings for you just burned hotter. But I couldn’t reconcile how I felt with my past and what I’d done. Or with the fact that . . . I don’t think I can love you the way you need me to.”

My heart leapt at his words, and then he brought me crashing down. He couldn’t love me the way I needed him to?

“Yes, you can. You just don’t think you can,” I said.

“But it’s the same thing, isn’t it?”

I reached out and grabbed his hands, squeezing them as hard as I could. “No. I know you have this in you, Fin. I would give anything for you to see it.”

He squeezed my hands back. “You can’t fix me, Marisol.” The sorrow and hopelessness in his voice made me want to cry, but I wouldn’t allow myself.

“I know because I don’t need to. You’re not broken, Fin. You just need to figure that out.”

“How?”

I kissed the back of his hands. “That’s up to you. But I’ll help in any way I can.”

It wasn’t going to be easy, but I had all the faith in the world that he could get through this and come out on the other side. And I’d be waiting to meet him.

We sat together until it got dark outside my apartment and my stomach started to growl.

Letting go of me, Fin got up and went to my kitchen, pulling down a few things. He hadn’t spoken in a while and I’d kept quiet. He had a lot of things to think about.

I sat on the couch and watched as Fin put together a quick meal of pasta and sauce with a quick salad of veggies I had hanging out in my fridge. He brought the plates over and we ate on the couch.

Finally, the silence was too much. “What are you thinking about?” I asked.

Fin wiped his mouth with one of my cheap paper napkins. “A lot of things, Marisol. Too many.”

“Do you want to stay tonight? You can if you want.”

He sighed and shook his head. “I need to be alone for a little while. And I really need to get back.” Back to his job. God, I hoped going back wouldn’t undo everything that we’d just been through.

“I understand.” He was probably exhausted. I knew I was.

“I really don’t know what to say anymore. What to do,” he said, putting down his empty plate.

“I know how you feel. I’ve been making things up as I go along since that night at the bar. You make me question everything I thought I knew. But I think that’s a good thing.”

He took his plate to the kitchen and I joined him with mine.

“I have class tomorrow morning and then in the afternoon, but if you need anything, I want you to call me. I don’t care if I have to fake a heart attack to get out of class. You’re not alone, Fin.” He had his back to me, but I put my arms around him, hoping to hug him hard enough to make him believe that I loved him.

“I’ve always been alone. I always thought I’d be alone.”

“I know. But you’re not anymore.”

He touched my hands, linked together across his chest. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.” I let go and he started to wash out his dishes.

“I’ll do that,” I said, trying to push him aside.

“No, I’ve got it. You’ve done . . . everything for me. I’ve taken you for granted, but I’m not going to do it anymore.” Turning, he took my face in his hands. “You are an extraordinary creature, Marisol. Sometimes I don’t believe you’re real.”

“I am. And I’m yours. If you want me.”

“I always want you.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, but backed away. “I need to go.”

I nodded, and he kissed my forehead before heading out the door.

The silence that filled the room when he left made me want to cry. So I did.

I
half expected to hear from Fin that night. I barely slept, waiting for him to knock at my door or call me. He needed some space, but it was hard to give it to him. I slept with my phone right next to me, just in case.

When it was finally time to get up and get ready, I had to down two cups of coffee to even get myself dressed. I was going to need a lot more to get through the day and be awake for Fin tonight.

A thought hit me so hard I nearly fell over.

What if he left without telling me? Just went back? What if I never saw him again? I shouldn’t have let him leave last night.

I looked at the clock and saw that I had enough time to head to his place and see if he was there before I went to class.

I rushed out the door as fast as I could and hailed a cab. Fortunately, he was a fast driver, and I was at Fin’s in half the time it normally took me.

Waving to the front desk, I headed for the elevator, cursing the fact that he lived in the penthouse and not on the first floor.

“Come on, come on.” Why must the elevator be so slow? Finally the doors opened and I hopped in, slamming the button for Fin’s floor. A man got in with me and hit the button for the floor below Fin’s. Of course. I resisted the urge to punch him in the face.

I tapped my foot impatiently, trying to ignore the man as he whistled. Seriously. Shut up.

Finally the stupid elevator dropped him off and I followed him, heading for the stairs to get to Fin’s floor quicker.

I knocked at his door, praying softly under my breath that he’d answer. Finally, the door opened and there he was, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, his hair stuck up in the back.

“You’re here,” I said, statting the obvious. It was déjà vu from yesterday when he showed up unexpectedly. Had it only been that long?

“I’m here,” he said. “Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, realizing how silly I was being. In hindsight, I could have just called. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I had this fear that you left and went back to Germany after we talked last night, so I had to come and see if you were still here. But you are. And now I have to get to class.” I felt like an absolute idiot. I was going to blame it on a lack of sleep. Yes, that’s what I was going to do.

But Fin smiled and held the door open for me. “Do you have a few minutes?”

I nodded and walked in. He handed me a cup of coffee, and I knew without even having to sip it that it had French vanilla creamer in it.

“Thank you,” I said, taking a drink. I was going to be wired as hell later. Oh well. Better that than half asleep.

“You thought I’d leave again?” he said, running his hands through his hair. I was glad to see he’d gotten some sleep. At least one of us had.

“Well, you do have a track record. And most of the time I can’t believe you’re real at all, so I keep expecting you to vanish or be a figment of my wild imagination.” If my imagination could dream him up. Probably not.

“If anyone is a figment, it’s you,” he said with a yawn.

We could argue about that until the cows came home, but it wasn’t going to get us anywhere.

I downed the rest of my coffee.

“I’ll be here when you get out of class, Marisol. I wouldn’t leave without saying anything.”

“Okay,” I said, wishing I could just say “fuck it” and skip class. Why had I thought another year of grad school was a good idea?

He was about to say something else, but my phone rang. It was my parents. Shit, I’d completely forgotten to go over and get the check. Fin showing up had thrown everything off.

I braced myself before I answered. “Hi,” I said, hoping it was my dad. My hopes were dashed.

“Marisol, there you are. I thought you were coming over to get the check, but it’s still here. Did you forget?” She’d acted like she couldn’t be bothered with it the other day and now she’d changed her tune.

“Yeah, I’m so sorry. Something came up.” Fin gave me a look and I smiled back.

“Well, I was hoping nothing happened. You should have called and said you couldn’t come.” I really needed to get to class and this was cutting into my time with Fin.

“I’ll come by today, if I can. I have to get to class or I’m going to be late.”

She sighed. “Honestly, Marisol. I don’t have time for this either. Your father and I live very busy lives.” I wasn’t going to respond to that. I didn’t want to get wrapped up in a fight.

“Okay. I’ll be by today.” Then I hung up.

“Sorry,” I said to Fin. If I didn’t leave right now, I was going to be late. “My mom. I have to go to my parents’ house and pick something up. I guess I’ll have to forgo lunch and get that done.” It would give me another chance to maybe see how my mom was doing. This was such a hard situation. It was difficult for me to be around her, but something was going on. I did love her, even if I didn’t like her very much. She was my mother.

“I’ll have Carl take you,” Fin said, typing on his phone. “He’s right outside.” Bless Carl. I honestly loved that man.

“Thank you. That’s a huge help. I should have asked if you’re okay. Are you okay?” I put my hand on his arm; I wanted to fall into him and never leave.

“I’m . . . I don’t know. But I’ll let you know. You should go so you’re not late.” He was right, so I squeezed his arm one more time and left.

I’d have to figure out where we stood later.