Deep Surrendering: Episode Ten (7 page)

I was still thinking about Fin and replaying our conversation in my head. I just couldn’t seem to shake him from my thoughts. Granted, I didn’t try all that hard to get rid of him. I didn’t want to. Living with the pain of losing him was better than not having known him at all. Or at least I thought so.

In the end, Chase texted me. It was something totally silly, but it was a nice way to break the conversational ice. After that, I would text him a few times a day. We’d also meet up at the library and I got a hell of a lot of work done with him. He was definitely a good academic influence.

We didn’t talk about what we were doing, even though we almost always got coffee together, and sometimes dinner. On the weekends, I thought about calling or messaging him and asking if he wanted to hang out, but I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

He stopped making passes (as innocent as they had been) at me and there was no more talk of past relationships. We settled into something easy and casual and fun. Just what I needed.

Chloe reluctantly accompanied me to Pilates and afterwards in the sauna, she begrudgingly admitted that she’d liked it and would come again. Of course we went out and had burgers afterwards, which became our ritual. The good with the bad.

She made inquiries about Chase, but didn’t push me about dating him, or if I liked him that way, etc. for which I was grateful.

I left my apartment a lot more, either to hang out with Chase, Chloe or my group of girlfriends which was plus one now that Rory was serious with that Lucas guy. Or I guess I should call him Lucah now, seeing as how that was his real name. I’d been wrapped up in my own Fin drama, but a lot had gone down with Rory. Her new man wasn’t just a lowly assistant, but a corporate spy, hired by the board of Clarke Enterprises to root out some shady people. It was a whole big drama, and I thought they were going to cancel their company ball, but things were going forward.

I tried to be supportive of Rory as much as I could because things weren’t easy for her right now. At least she had Lucah as a support, and apparently, they were even moving in together. I almost asked her how her mother felt about that since her mother had always harbored a wish that Rory would end up with Fin, but I didn’t want to talk about him. Rory was so busy that she didn’t mention him when we were out. Or maybe she sensed that something was off and kept her mouth shut. Either way, as long as no one brought him up, things were good.

A few days before the ball, I was coming back from another lovely visit with my mother when I found something odd in the mail. And by lovely, I mean she lectured me on how I should find a man because I was getting older and my eggs were dying and she wanted grandchildren whether I wanted to have them or not. I wasn’t in the best of moods at all.

The envelope was addressed to me, but my name was printed instead of being handwritten and there was a strange return address that I didn’t recognize from New Jersey. I didn’t know anyone in New Jersey.

I ripped it open and nearly crumpled to the floor of my apartment.

Dear Marisol,

I’m writing you this to tell you that it’s done. I’m finally free. It took longer than I thought and I wish… Once again, I wish so many things.

My father is currently on the run from an entire list of charges including murder, embezzlement, fraud and too many others to put here. I’d always known his business practices were suspect, but I didn’t know how much until I started digging. I’ve been collecting things here and there for years, hiding them away, waiting for the day when I could go to the FBI with them. I would tell myself that I didn’t have enough, or they wouldn’t believe me, but then you happened. YOU. The reason I was finally able to put everything together and do the right thing. I regret letting him go on for so long when I knew what was happening. I’ve told you that I’m not a nice person, Marisol, but you never believed me. I’m still not a nice person, but I hope I can try to be a better one.

I’m not scared of him anymore. The company is being shut down as I write this. Agents all over the world are no doubt ransacking the offices, gathering even more evidence. You see, my father might have been smart, but he also underestimated his employees’ loyalties. And if he thought any of them were betraying them, he’d just have them disappear. Not anymore. Even if they never find him (which I doubt they will. He’s very wily, my father), he won’t bother me again. I’m not naïve enough to think that he’s afraid of me, but now he knows I’m not afraid of him. I am NOT afraid of him. Not anymore.

I’m currently back in the United States, but I have no idea what I’m going to do next. Technically, I’m unemployed, so I need to find a job of some sort. There are a few employees that were on the up-and-up that have contacted me about perhaps forming a new company. I’m still considering it and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I don’t expect that you’d want to see me, but I wanted to give you an update, since you’re the reason this is all happening. You might as well have put the cuffs on him yourself. That would be something I’d pay all of my money to see.

But, if you did decide you want to see me, I would really like that. Even if it is just to give you a hug and thank you in person.

I know we’re not together, but I still love you. Even more than the first time I wrote you. It feels like it grows every day, but I wouldn’t change it. Not for anything.

My life belongs to me and I finally believe it.

Thank you, Marisol. Thank you for everything.

Always,

Your Fin

My eyes blurred and the tears pattered on the letter. I held it away so it wouldn’t get wet.

He’d done it. He’d actually done it. Just like I thought he would.

I sat on the floor, my back up against my cupboards, staring at Fin’s words for a long time. I just couldn’t get up. My knees had turned into rubber. My heart… oh, my heart. It was beating so fast and so hard, like I’d run a marathon.

My Fin. He’d done it. He was coming home and now we could be together.

Except… it was too late. This wasn’t going to fix everything. If he started another company, he might still have to travel and then we’d be right back to where we started.

I couldn’t just dive back into his arms like everything was fine again. Things just didn’t work that way.

I read the letter again and then rushed to write my own in response. To get out all the words that were spinning around in my head. I told him how proud I was of him, how happy I was and just… everything that was bursting inside me. I was feeling everything at once and I could barely stand it.

Above all, I still loved him. Just like he said, even more than when I’d told him the first time. Fin might have only been in my life for months, but I couldn’t imagine how I’d lived before him. He would be a part of me for the rest of my life, as would this love.

I was glad I hadn’t tried anything with Chase. It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. I would have been leading him on, making him think that I could give him my heart. But it already belonged to someone else and I wasn’t getting it back.

Perhaps Fin and I could go back to being friends. It would take a lot of work, certainly, but I could do it for him. It would be for the best, for both of us.

I scrawled page after page, even telling Fin about Chase and how my feelings for Chase hadn’t held a candle to my feelings for him. I also told him about everyone pushing me to “get back out there” and maybe date Chase, but how my heart wasn’t in it.

I also told him about the fantasy that I’d barely let myself imagine. Me, at Rory’s company ball in my gorgeous dress and Fin, walking down the stairs to surprise me. Then we’d dance the night away, he’d take me back to his apartment and remove the dress oh so slowly. Then we’d make love, hard and soft, dirty and sweet. My heart missed Fin, but my body missed him too. Ached for him to touch me again. Now that I’d had a taste of spice, I didn’t think average lovemaking would do it for me anymore.

In some ways Fin had ruined me for all other relationships. I told him that as well.

And then I signed the letter.

Love,

Your Marisol.

I would always be his.

I
thought about calling Fin and telling him I wanted to see him. I even wrote out a text message to send him and saved it as a draft. But I didn’t send it. I knew if I contacted him right away, I’d just let myself fall again. If, and it was a big if, I even considered going back with Fin, it would be on my terms, and it would be because it was the right thing for both of us. Not just because I wanted to. That wasn’t a good enough reason.

My phone rang and I picked it up without thinking.

“Where the hell are you?” Sloane’s voice demanded. “I’ve got a dress with your name on it and no one to put it on.” Oh, right. I was supposed to be at her studio a half-hour ago to do the final fitting of my gown. I knew it would be perfect, but Sloane always wanted to make sure everything was extra perfect.

“I’m so sorry. I just… I lost track of time.” I couldn’t get into the whole Fin thing because she would probably tell Rory and I just didn’t want to deal with all that.

“Well, get your ass down here!” Uh oh. Sloane was high on caffeine. She always went a little nuts when she was working too hard and drinking too much coffee. Sure, it helped her work, but she turned into a crazy person when she was on it.

I folded up Fin’s letter and wiped my eyes. I should check my face in the mirror, but I needed to get to Sloane’s studio as fast as I could so she wouldn’t go ballistic and explode.

I rushed outside, but couldn’t find a cab. Also, it was raining. I didn’t mind, though. Fin was free and that was all that mattered. I tilted my face up to the sky and smiled as the water pounded down on my face.