Deep Water (15 page)

I
had done my best to avoid Joseph all day which wasn’t hard because he’d spent
most of the time in his office. He’d found me in the kitchen while I stood at
the sink. I had heard his footsteps on the tiles and held my breath, not
turning to greet him. Then his hands came to rest, either side of me, on the
counter top. His breath was hot on my neck as he crowded into me, his chest
hard against my back.

“Is
dinner nearly ready?”

“Yes.”
I kept my head down and didn’t move at all except for my pounding heart that I
was sure made me shake. It would have been so easy then just to turn around and
plant my mouth on his, but of course, I didn’t.

Then
his hand went to my hair which sat in a haphazard bun and he pulled on it,
ripping it free of its fastenings so it fell down my back.

“I
like your hair down better, it makes you look healthier,” he told me. “Don’t
wear it up again.” A kiss was planted on my shoulder. “Oh, and set two place
settings. You can eat with me since Ewan’s gone out.”

I
didn’t say anything, just keeping my position until his footsteps faded away.

I
had made a lasagne and salad. I awkwardly dished it up for him before sitting
in my seat. For myself I just dished the salad.

“And
the lasagne,” he said, suddenly.

“What?”

He
watched me coolly. “Put some lasagne on your plate, as well.” He spoke slowly
and succinctly as if speaking to someone who didn’t understand English.

I
paused, then grabbed the serving spoon and deposited a small amount on my
plate.

“More,”
he ordered.

I
frowned in distaste. “I don’t like lasagne,” I protested.

“It
doesn’t matter what you like. Do what I say.”

I
didn’t like the hard look on his face, so I avoided looking at him as I obeyed.
More was heaped on my plate. The fat of the beef and the sauce made me want to
vomit. I took a small mouthful, ever conscious of his eyes watching me. I
chewed thirty times and swallowed with difficulty, trying not to make a face.

He
was still watching me, waiting. So I dug my fork in and took another small
mouthful, again forcing myself to swallow. That was enough.

I
put the fork down on the plate so it made a clattering sound. “I’m done. It’s
disgusting.”

His
eyes stretched into that cold, horrible smile. “Pick that fucking fork up and
eat it. Otherwise, I will force it down your throat. Understand?”

I
resisted the urge to hurl it at him. Instead, I grabbed my napkin off my lap
and tossed it on the table as I stood. “Fuck you. I’ll eat what I like. You
don’t control–”

His
hand reached out and wrapped around my wrist with the stealth and grip of an
octopus. He pulled me onto his lap, the humiliation of which was made worse by
my sore ass rubbing against him. An arm kept me there, while his hand trapped
my jaw in his fingers, forcing me to look at him.

“I
don’t think you understand, Jessica. I do control you. I control your husband
as well.” He smirked. “You should be used to having absolutely no control by
now. It seems like things have been out of your hands for a long time now, and
food, as always, has been the only thing you get any say in.” He waited, but I stayed
silent. “I’m going to take that control away from you too, now. You’ll eat what
I say when I say.”

I
tried to pull away, but he held me fast.
“Why?”

He
leaned in and kissed me quickly on my lips. “Because I can. Because I want to.
And if you don’t, I’ll refuse to help your husband and you’ll likely find his
body floating in that pretty lake out there. Now, will you eat by yourself, or
do I need to feed you?”

I
stared at him, wondering who this horrible person was. “I’ll feed myself,” I
whispered.

He
released me, and I returned to my seat, docile and ready to obey.

It
took a good hour to eat everything on my plate. He watched every slow mouthful
that I took with a never ending patience, or perhaps it was sadism. After I had
put the fork down, I got up to use the bathroom.

“No,”
he barked.

“I
feel sick,” I said, stubbornly.

“If
you vomit up any of it, I’ll make you sit here and eat twice as much. Stay
put!”

We
sat there in silence before I said, “Are we just going to sit here all night?”

He
grinned at me. “What’s wrong? Are you imagining all that fat you just consumed
going straight to your thighs?”

I
ignored his comment. “I have to clean the kitchen.”

“Fine,
I’ll watch you.”

And
he did, his eyes never leaving me as I performed my duties. When everything was
clean and tidied away, I turned to him. “I’m going to bed.”

“Not
yet. Not until I say so.” And then his hand was tangling in my hair as he
kissed me hard. I kissed him back, because, even though he was being horrible
and mean, this was still Joseph. This was still the person I wanted in the most
confusing and twisted way. My eyes closed as he attacked my mouth, and I
remembered him as that skinny fifteen-year-old with the smile that showed the
missing tooth, and then later, as that boy with something darker in him who
fell in love with me…

My
clothes disappeared in fluid motions, slipping from my skin to flutter down to
the floor. I imagined everything happening in slow motion, even as we kissed
with intensity and our tongues moved with ferocious speed. My hands gripped the
fabric of his shirt as I pressed my now naked self against his fully clothed
form. It was like if I kissed him hard enough, then time would disappear and we
would be back to where we were before mistakes happened and life twisted.

Ewan
loomed in the back of my mind that was intoxicated with lust. Self-loathing
invaded my psyche while the sickness of the food invading my stomach made me
dizzy. But I still kissed him like life and sanity depended on it.

 Nothing
about this was right.

Nothing
about
him
was right anymore.

That
boy of my memories was gone. In his place was a cold hearted man who had the
power to wreck me or save me.

But
I wanted him. I tore my lips away from his and dropped down to my knees,
reaching for his belt. My eyes were open now as my shaking hands freed him from
his pants so my mouth could close over him. I felt his hand in my hair again as
I worked my mouth along his length. Above me, he moaned, but it sounded far
away. His hand tightened as he came, and I swallowed down every bit of him that
he ejected into my mouth.

I
pulled back, sinking down lower onto my knees and keeping my eyes firmly on the
tiles. He stayed still as well, and for minutes we both stayed like that,
seemingly frozen and not touching. We could have been strangers.

Then
the cum, combined with the food of before, started to swirl in me and I tasted
bile. My hand came to clamp over my mouth as I struggled to rise. Once I was
unsteadily on my feet, I sprinted for the nearest toilet and vomited out everything
that he’d put in me.

He
made me shower in his ensuite, washing my hair and skin. His fingers brushed
lightly over my ass which must have still shown Ewan’s handprints and then he
didn’t touch it again. He didn’t talk to me as he rubbed my hair with the towel
while I sat naked between his legs.

Then
he led me to his bed, holding back the crisp, white sheets for me so I could
slide in. He lay beside me, not looking at me or touching. I thought he had
gone to sleep, but then he reached for me later and we had sex in the dark. No
words, loving or otherwise, were exchanged. I stayed silent, even when he made
me cum.

Afterward,
I slipped from his bed and made my way from the room in the dark. I slid into
my own empty bed that felt so cold and Ewan didn’t come home.

Ewan
stumbled in at five in the morning. He managed to shrug off his clothes before
he fell into bed and one hand clutched at my breast before he fell asleep. I
watched him, wondering if I smelt like sex and if he would be different if his
parents hadn’t died. In sleep, he looked like the boy that I had first become
so fond of. I let myself smile at his sleeping form as I watched him with a
mixture of tenderness and disappointment.

He
didn’t stir as I slid out of bed and pulled my robe over my nakedness. The air
was cool and crisp as I walked outside and down to the lake. Summer was leaving
and soon a deathly coldness would overtake everything, but right now, that air
was nice. My robe was thrown onto a bench as I ran into the water. I cut
through the water with ease and imagined it washing every bad thing from my
body. Taking a deep breath, I dived down as far as I could go until my lungs
began to burn and then I surfaced, gulping in air before realizing I wasn’t
alone.

Joseph
swam up next to me. “You look like a mermaid in the water.”

I
tread water as I smoothed my hair away from my face. “If I’m a mermaid, what
does that make you? The Loch Ness monster?”

He
looked at me, frowning slightly. “Is that what you think I am? A monster?”

“You’re
acting like one. You never used to be like this. You used to be kind.”

He
gave a small laugh. “Kind? No, I wasn’t. Not really. Only to you, sometimes,
and that was because—” He stopped short of what he was going to say.

I
moved closer through the water toward him. “Because you were in love with me.”
His face became stone. “Why are you being so cruel now?” I held onto his
shoulder now, feeling the muscle beneath my hands.

His
arm wrapped around me, pulling me with him closer to shore until we could both
stand up with the water above our shoulders.  He leaned in close to me and I
didn’t flinch away.

“Because
it’s how I get what I want.”

I
raised an eyebrow at him. “Is this what you want? Forcing me to be with you? To
eat what you want? To control me in every single way?”

His
hand slid down and a finger slipped inside me. “I’m not really forcing you,
Jessica,” he murmured. “This is what you want, but you’re too good,
too
loyal
, to say so out loud. I’m just taking the choices away from you so you
don’t have to bear any of the responsibility. I’m taking care of you…”

His
hand was moving between my legs and it was hard to concentrate on what he was
saying. I rested my head on his shoulder as small tremors started to course
through me. I moved my mouth and licked at the water on his shoulder, and then
I bit and sucked at the skin there, creating a love bite like I was marking my
territory. He hissed in pain, then he grabbed my hand and pulled me with him so
we ran out of the water together and collapsed on the grass.

We
fucked there like animals.

Raw,
hot, need, want, lust, love.

It
all mixed together as we took as much of the other as we wanted while we rolled
around under the emerging sun. When the day became bright, we staggered up and
walked naked to the house, going our separate ways without another word.

Ewan
rose at noon and wouldn’t answer my questions about where he’d been all night.
When I asked if he’d been gambling he just scowled at me before stumbling into
the shower.

I
stared at him for a few moments, rage building inside me, then I took a deep
breath and went back to the kitchen. Joseph was sitting there, drinking coffee.
He looked up as I entered, but I quickly looked away and started to pull out
the meat I was going to prepare for dinner.

It
was no surprise when he came up behind me and started to kiss my neck. I let
myself relax into his touch and went willingly when he turned me to face him so
I could kiss him. His hands started to push up my skirt and I felt myself get
wet straight away as I brushed my hand over the front of his pants. I loved
feeling how hard he was for me.

But
then Ewan cleared his throat behind us and I hurriedly pushed Joseph away from
me.

“Don’t
mind me,” Ewan said. “I’m just grabbing something to eat.”

Joseph
gave a smirk, and that infuriated me for some reason. But I couldn’t take it
out on him, so I took it out on Ewan instead.

“Where
the hell were you last night? Were you gambling away more money that we don’t
have?”

“Relax.”
Ewan grabbed a bowl and proceeded to fill it with cereal. “The boss man here
gave me a bonus. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

My
glare turned to Joseph, who still looked amused.

“You
gave him money to go gamble? You know he had problems, you know he—”

Joseph
held up a hand. “That’s not my problem. I couldn’t care less. Anyway, I’m going
to leave you two to your little tiff.” Then the prick walked from the room.

“I’m
guessing
you lost,” I spat at Ewan.

“No
need to be such a bitch, Jessie.” He shoveled a mouthful of cereal into his
mouth. I just glared at him for a few moments, before I stormed from the room.
I went straight to Joseph’s office and opened the door without knocking.

He
was sitting at his desk and didn’t look surprised to see me. He merely waited
while I slammed the door behind me.

“What
are you trying to do here? Are you trying to ruin him?”

He
smiled at me. “I think he can ruin himself without my input. But I decided to
give him a little help in that direction.”

“How
can you be so callous?”

Joseph
shrugged. “Are you going to divorce him?”

“No.”

“Then
I’ll be as callous as I want. Now get your ass over here.” He patted his lap.

I
shook my head at him in disbelief. “You really think I want to do anything with
you after you just admitted that you’re trying to destroy my husband?”

He
shook his head at me sadly, “Jessica, where does this loyalty come from? You
don’t seem to realize that he’s already whored you out to me. He doesn’t love
you.”

“He
does.”

“No,
he doesn’t. Come over here.” I took a step forward and he wrapped a hand around
my wrist and pulled me down to sit on his lap. A hand stroked my hair, but it
wasn’t necessarily soothing, more possessive. “He’s just along for the free
ride. You’ve taken care of him for so long that that’s all he sees you as. He
thinks you’re pathetic. Look at you, you’ve next to no self-esteem, you sleep
with his friends, you bail him out time and time again and all he can do is
laugh at you.”

I
shook my head. “That’s not true.” But tears were already starting to pool in my
eyes. He kissed one that was escaping down my cheek.

“It
is true,” he said softly. “You’re just a shell of what you used to be. Nothing
you do ends up being right. He’s going to use you until you’re of no use to him
and then he’ll ditch you for the next gullible girl that comes along. Most
girls marry someone like their father, but you, you married your mother.”

“He’s
not like her,” I argued weakly, more tears were making their way down my face.

“He
is.” He lifted my chin with his fingers so I was forced to look directly at
him. “But don’t worry. I’m here to take care of you now. I’ll make all your
decisions for you, you don’t have to try and control everything anymore because
I’ve taken everything away from you. Soon, you won’t even have to worry about Ewan.”

I
tried to swallow over the lump in my throat. “Do you know how sick you sound
right now? You’ve become just as controlling as your stepfather—”

His
hand tightened on my jaw as anger sparked in his eyes. “If I were my stepfather
I would have just beaten you down, over and over again. I would have thrown you
down on the desk and screwed you so hard until you begged me to stop. Don’t
ever say that again.” His voice was tight as if it were himself he was trying
to control now.

We
stared at each other, and he was the first to look away. “Be a good girl,
Jessica. Take off your clothes.”

I
tried to grab his face this time, to force him to look me in the eye, but
instead he covered my hands with his and held them tight. “Is this really how
you want things to be between us? Like we’re master and slave?”

He
didn’t answer me or meet my eyes, but he did release my hands and I stood. “If
this is how you want it, then fine.”

I
removed my clothes, never once taking my eyes from him. He still just stared
down at his desk.  I waited a few beats for him to look at me or at least give
me an instruction. When he didn’t, I bent down and tried to kiss him.

But
he wouldn’t let me as he finally looked me in the eye. “Just get out,” he said
quietly. “Go.”

I
gathered my clothes in my arms and stopped to look at him before I left, but
his attention was back on his desk so I slipped quietly out the door.