Deep Water (16 page)

I
dressed and went back to work, pushing down my sadness. Ewan was gone and Joseph
didn’t come out of his office. The whole place felt like a mausoleum as my
footsteps echoed around me. That someone actually rang the doorbell had me
jumping both with surprise and excitement.

But
my face dropped when I saw who stood there.

Katrin
looked much the same as when she was a teenager with her revealing clothes. The
black eye she sported, however, was new. She looked just as dismayed to see me
as I was to see her.

“What
are you doing here?” she blurted out.

Then
footsteps came up behind me. “Katrin?”

Katrin’s
face relaxed into a smile. “Joseph!” She was stepping forward and throwing her
arms around him. He embraced her, holding her tight. “I hoped it was true that
you were living out here. I’ve missed you
so
much.”

She
released him and stepped back. He looked down at her bruised face, frowning
with concern that had me almost jealous. “Who did this?” he asked.

Katrin
shook her head. “It’s no big deal. I’ve left him and decided to come back here,
especially since I heard you were back too.” She smiled up at him with delight.
“I need somewhere to stay, and my Mom wasn’t exactly welcoming so…”

“You
can stay as long as you like, of course,” Joseph told her tenderly as he took
her hand.

“I
knew I could count on you.” Then her smile faded as she looked at me. “Do you
mind, Jessie? I mean—”

“She
works for me. That’s all,” he cut in, and Katrin’s happiness was restored.
“Come on, let me get you a drink.” His eyes darted to me. “Could you get a room
ready for her?”

“Sure.”

I
watched as he led her away, jealousy practically eating me alive. Like any
obedient servant, I brought in her bags from the doorstep and carried them
upstairs to a guest room. At least she wouldn’t be sharing his bed, or would
she?

I
served them dinner while they both chatted happily. Joseph seemed happier and more
relaxed than any other time since we’d been reunited. I wished that he could be
that way with me. They mostly ignored me, but after Katrin excused herself to
go to the bathroom and I was clearing the table, Joseph grabbed my wrist.

“Did
you eat?” he asked in a low voice.

“Yes.”
I wrenched my
wrist back as Katrin returned.

They
stayed up late into the night, talking and laughing. I retreated to my cold
room alone, imagining what they would be doing together.

When
Ewan finally came home, I kissed him fiercely. I wanted some kind of comfort,
even if it couldn’t be from Joseph.

Ewan
laughed before kissing me back. “What’s all this?”

“I
just want you.” I started to undress as he got his dick out. But there was
nothing sensual about what we did. It was just pure fucking and there was no
cumming or release in it for me.  When we’d finished, I turned my back to him
and pulled a nightdress over my head. Disappointment plagued me as I imagined
Katrin enjoying Joseph’s mouth and hands as he brought her to orgasm…

There
was a light knocking on the door, and Ewan zipped up his pants as he went to
answer it. A drunk Katrin stood there, giggling.

“Hey,
you two. Want to join us for a drink?”

Ewan
gave her a wide smile as he surveyed her exposed cleavage and short skirt. He
must have remembered her from high school. I wondered if he’d fucked her.

“We’d
love to. Come on, Jess.”

“I
don’t think so. I was just about to go to bed.”

Ewan
rolled his eyes at me. “Seriously, Jessie? You don’t need to be all doom and
gloom all the time. I’m getting really tired of it.” He snatched my robe off a
chair and threw it at me. “Put this on. I’ll meet you down there.”

He
followed Katrin, leaving me sitting alone on the bed. I thought about getting
under the covers and turning out the light just to spite him. But then I
thought of Katrin alone with Joseph and put on my robe before following them
down.

We
were doing shots, apparently. Ewan passed me one as I sat beside him and Joseph
didn’t meet my eyes. He was sitting next to Katrin on the couch opposite us.
Every time her hand brushed against him, I felt a jolt of envy go through me. 
And I took a shot to deal with it.

Katrin
started to talk about old times, and Ewan joined in while Joseph and I stayed
silent. To hear them talk, high school was like some magical time when
everything was perfect. And maybe it was, compared to adulthood. Ewan rested
his hand on my thigh, squeezing it affectionately from time to time the drunker
he got.  When everything was getting drunk and hazy, I noticed Joseph staring
at that hand like his eyes were glued to it.

Smugness
rolled through me. He was jealous. He had to be.

I
leaned in closer to Ewan to plant a kiss on his cheek and he turned and caught
my lips with his. He smiled at me after we broke the kiss. Joseph was wrong,
Ewan did love me. I knew he did. I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned in to
kiss him again. It was a stronger, more lustful kiss this time and I crawled
into his lap, straddling him.

“Get
a room!” Katrin called out, laughing.

I
twisted my head around to look at her, a smile on my lips. “We don’t need one.
These two apparently like public displays of…fucking. I hope you like sharing,
Katrin. They both seem to like to share.”

Katrin
giggled again, but Joseph, beside her, had no emotion whatsoever on his face.

 “I
didn’t know you were so bold, or kinky, Jessie,” Katrin told me, a huge grin on
her face.

“She’s
full of surprises,” Ewan said, and I turned back to face him. Only he wasn’t
looking at me. His eyes looked over my shoulder at Katrin. His cock was hard
beneath me, and he was hard for
her
, not me. I didn’t even care.

“Actually,”
I said as I moved from Ewan’s lap to sit beside him. “I don’t see why they have
to just share me. What do you think, Katrin? Are you up for it?”

Her
eyes widened slightly, and then she licked her lips, giving a nervous giggle.
“I don’t know. That seems kind of…”

“Slutty?”
I finished for her.

Her
eyes darted to me. “Yeah. Slutty.”

Ewan
leaned forward. “How about just me then? It’s only fair. Joseph’s slept with my
wife, why can’t I sleep with you?” He had a small, charming smile on his lips,
the one that made him look oh so cute. Katrin’s eyes were back on him again,
and she seemed kind of mesmerized. Or maybe she was just drunk.

“Katrin’s
not my wife
or
my girlfriend. She’s not part of this,” Joseph stated. He
looked unhappy and I frowned. I didn’t want him to be protective of her. I
didn’t want her to be special to him. But then I guessed that she always had
been.

“What
I am is a big girl who can make my own decisions,” Katrin told him. She took a
deep breath and directed her attention back to Ewan. “I don’t want an
audience.”

Ewan
was already getting to his feet and holding out his hand to her. “Whatever you
like is fine by me.” She took his hand, getting to her feet as his arm around
her waist held her steady. They headed out without a second glance at either of
us. I watched them go, still feeling nothing.

The
sound of a glass shattering made me jump. Joseph had thrown his glass across
the room and a brown mess was dribbling down the paintwork and onto the carpet.
I turned back to look at him, his mouth was a tight line of anger.

“What’s
the big deal?” I asked.

He
let out a puff of air. “The big deal is that she shouldn’t be used by your no-good
husband. She doesn’t need any more men treating her like dirt.”

I
laughed at that. “You think it’s okay to treat me like that, though?”

He
glared at me through narrowed eyes. “That is completely different.”

“How?”

He
kept his mouth clamped shut for a moment, then he opened it. “I want you gone.
Both of you. This little deal is over. You need to move out in the morning.”

“What?
Where are we supposed to go? I quit my job because—”

“That’s
not my fucking problem!”

I
just stared at him. “When did you get to be such a bastard?” I got to my feet
and headed for the French doors that faced the lake.

“I
always was, but you just built me up into someone that I could never live up
to!”

 I
acted like he hadn’t spoken but turned back to him before I stepped through
doors. “And just for the record, you used her all through high school for sex
so you’re no better than anyone else.”

“Where
are you going?” he called after me as I headed through the doors.

“For
a swim.”

“You’re
drunk. You’ll drown!”

I
didn’t care. I walked off the stone pavers and onto the grass, stripping off my
robe as I went. At the water’s edge, I slipped my nightgown off my shoulders
before wading out into the dark water. I lost my balance and fell down, my head
went under and I didn’t even care.

Joseph
pulled me up and I just laughed as I breathed and coughed and wiped my hair
away from my face. We sat in the water, he fully clothed and me naked.

“Don’t
do stupid things, Jessica. You always do stupid things,” he muttered.

He
caught my attention. “Like what,” I asked.

“Like
not eating. Like marrying an idiot. Like getting drunk and going swimming,
Like—”

“Like
falling in love with you? Was that stupid?” I looked at him, waiting for his
answer.

He
reached for my hand under the water. “Yeah. That was stupid too.”

“That
was the best stupid thing that I’ve ever done.”

He
gave me a sheepish look. “No it wasn’t. I’ve been basically holding you hostage
and torturing you. I don’t deserve you or your love, but I still want it.”

I
smiled at him, reaching up my hand to cup his face. “You’ve still got it.”

His
hand covered mine. “Then you’ll leave him?” The hope on his face was a
beautiful thing and I had to look away.

His
hand dropped from mine, and I got to my feet to walk back to the house, leaving
him sitting in the water.

Ewan
and Katrin fucked all night. Moaning intermingled with talking and giggling
well into the small hours of the morning. I lay naked and alone in my bed while
my husband had sex with someone else. A thousand times I thought of getting up
and going to Joseph’s bedroom and telling him that I wanted to be with only
him.

What
was stopping me?

I
didn’t even know the answer to that myself but Ewan was a huge part of my life,
I couldn’t just give that up in spite of his behavior.  And without me, what
would happen to him? He would probably end up in even more trouble which would
trigger his depression and then…it didn’t bear thinking about it. 

I
shoved a pillow over my ears and tried to sleep, but I was jealous. Not
necessarily of the fact that Katrin was screwing Ewan, but more because of the
good time they were having. Ewan and I used to have good times like that, but
now I couldn’t even remember when the last time was…

I
packed our things the next morning and mentally prepared myself for the
inevitable begging phone call I would need to make to my mother and her
husband. I supposed I could try and get my old job back, but the thought of
returning there made me feel sick.

Eventually,
I gave up folding my clothes and just threw them into the cases. Ewan walked in
while I sat amidst the chaos.

“What’s
going on? Are you leaving me?” Then he yawned.

“Would
you care if I was? Or would you just be sad that you lost your meal ticket?”

He
kneeled beside me. “Of course I’d care. I’d be devastated. How could you think
any different? Is this because I slept with Katrin?”

I
lowered my head to look at my hands. “People in love don’t normally want their
partners to sleep with other people. But we don’t seem to care about that, do
we?” I said, sadly.

I
listened to him breathe, then he said, “So, are you leaving me?”

I
swallowed. “Joseph kicked us out. We need to go.”

“Fuck.”
He gave a small laugh. “I thought he was so fucking in love with you that he’d
give us a free ride forever. So what now? What do we do?”

I
shrugged. “I don’t know. I really don’t know this time. You need to get a job,
though. You need to do something.”

“I
will, babe, I will.” He kissed me on my forehead which soothed me slightly.

We
had our car back now thanks to Joseph, and we piled our stuff into it. I waited
in the car while Ewan went to give Joseph back our keys. When he came back, he
carried a bulging envelope.

“What’s
that?”

Ewan
grinned as he tossed it into my lap. “Money, baby. He gave us enough to clear
my debts just like he said he would.

“He
did that?”

Ewan
started the car and began to head down the winding driveway. I twisted my head
to look behind us as we drove away, hoping for any glimpse of Joseph. But he
didn’t show his face and I clutched onto the envelope while I tried to quell
the urge to jump out of the car and run back to him.

The
next stop was to Terrence and my mother’s house. They gave us some money, and
that was only because we had turned up on their doorstep obviously homeless
when they were having a garden party that afternoon. It would have been a bad
look otherwise.

We
rented a room in a shitty motel on the outskirts of town. Prostitutes took
their clients there and drugs were being dealt from at least one unit. I made
sure to lock the door carefully behind us as we dumped our stuff in the dismal
room. It smelt like semen and I would have cringed as I sat down on the stained
bedspread if I wasn’t so exhausted.

Ewan
appeared to have no such reservations as he yawned and stretched out on the
bed.

“Shouldn’t
you go and give that money to whoever you owe it to before they start looking
for you?”

 He
shook his head, not bothering to open his eyes. “Nah. I know where they’ll be
tonight.”

“And
then no more gambling, Ewan. I mean it.”

“No
more,” he murmured drowsily. Within moments, he was asleep. I sighed and lay
down beside him, alert for every noise and still thinking of Joseph, but
eventually I slept. We both woke up when it was dark because a couple were
having a screaming match outside our door. Then someone yelled at them to “shut
the fuck up” and more people joined in to make more noise. Eventually, they
dispersed but I didn’t feel any more comfortable. Ewan went out and got us food
before he headed out to pay the money.

“I’ll
be right back,” he told me. “I love you.”

“I
love you too.” And I did, just more like a brother I realized miserably. He
kissed me goodbye before walking out the door and I made sure to lock it tight
behind him. I sat up half the night waiting for him to come back. The
fluorescent lights outside shone brightly in through the thin curtains causing
an eerie orange glow in the room. I jumped up every time I heard footsteps
outside the door but never once was there a knock on the door.

Anger
mixed with worry as the hours ticked by, but eventually I fell asleep. When
morning came, he still wasn’t back and his phone kept going straight to
voicemail. It wasn’t until noon that I left the room. I visited the hospital
and the police station, but he wasn’t at either. I didn’t really know what to
do, so I just went back to the motel and waited. I called everyone we knew, but
no one had heard from him, that didn’t surprise me since he had alienated most
of our friends long ago. His aunt was abrupt with me and told me not to bother
asking for any more money because she didn’t have any. My mother told me he was
probably just drunk and passed out somewhere.

I
filed a missing person report with the police after he had been gone the
regulation amount of time and then sat up for two more nights waiting for any
word. My mother unhelpfully told me that he’d probably left me and that if I were
getting a divorce I could move back in with her. I hung up on her, preferring
to stay in the sleazy motel than sleep between her Egyptian cotton sheets.

Ewan’s
body turned up the next day anyway. It washed ashore as a group of teenagers
partied around the lake. I imagined the cold, bloated body floating up beside a
couple making out in the water, their romantic moment shattered. The girl would
scream, and the guy would probably piss himself in fear as they ran out of the
water. They would have scurried to hide the alcohol before the cops were
called…

They
thought he’d been beaten to death before he was thrown into the water, and that
made it hard to breathe when I thought about how terrified he must have been. I
told the police that he owed money to people but he was going to pay it, I
didn’t know any more than that.

Terrence
identified the body for me and kindly offered to pay for the funeral. I still
stayed at the motel, though, it was easier to be alone with my thoughts there
than living with my mother who would probably start trying to set me up with
appropriate young men the moment Ewan was in the ground.

A
surprising amount of people came to the funeral. Friends of his parents and old
classmates from school. It pleased me that a lot of the people there would have
remembered Ewan when he was young and filled with promise; because he really
was quite wonderful back then. I was pretty much numb through most of it. I
exchanged polite pleasantries and accepted condolences, then later I bought
cheap wine and drank straight from the bottle as I sat on the floor of the
motel room and cried.

Then
I got mad because he probably did something stupid with that money instead of
paying his debts. After the rage passed through me, I just felt sad and numb
again, that was a better feeling. I got my job back and started to take
antidepressants which made it easier to deal with the inane ramblings of the
patients who moaned about everything from bunions to cancer. I smiled politely
and tuned out.

I
still lived at the motel. My nights were entertaining with the noises that came
from the room next door keeping me up half the night. An older woman, Kerry,
plied her trade from that room every Friday night. In between clients she’d sit
outside and smoke a cigarette, sometimes I’d join her and she’d let me in on
the secrets of some of the more so-called respectable townsfolk. I wondered if
Terrence was one of her clients, but I decided it was better not asking.

I
visited Ewan’s grave once a week, taking flowers so it wouldn’t look so lonely.
I didn’t talk to him or anything stupid like that, but I missed him terribly.
He had been a constant in my life for years, and now with him gone I felt a
void.

One
of these times, I ran into Katrin. She was holding a bunch of daisies and her
face was bruise free. She looked embarrassed when I saw her.

“Hi,
Katrin.”

“Hey.”
She waved the daisies at me. “I thought I might just, you know…I don’t even
know if he liked flowers, I just had a good time with him and…I don’t really
know why I’m here. Do you mind?”

I
shook my head. “No. That’s really nice of you. He would have appreciated it.
And he loved daisies.” I didn’t actually know if he liked any kind of flower,
but she looked so uncomfortable that I wanted to say something to make her feel
better.

She
smiled at that and hesitantly moved past me to lay them at his grave next to
the gerberas I had brought. She took a breath and turned to me. “He was always
so nice to me when we were at school. I had the biggest crush on him in high
school.”

“Really?
I didn’t know that.”

She
gave a small laugh. “I never told anyone. Besides, he always had a thing for
you, Anyone could tell that. It’s funny that the two guys that I absolutely
adored were in love with you.” Then her smile faded. “I didn’t mean for that to
sound bitchy if it did, that is.”

I
shook my head, giving her a small smile. “It didn’t. So…are you still living
with Joseph?” It took a lot of courage to ask that.

“Nope.
He helped me get an apartment, and I’ve even got a job and I’m doing some
part-time study. Things are really looking up for me.” She sounded so proud of
herself that I was genuinely happy for her.

“I’m
glad.”

“Well,
I guess I should get going.” She kicked at a leaf on the ground as she turned,
but then she stopped. “There’s nothing going on between Joseph and me. There
hasn’t been for years. He’s like my brother, especially since I got over the
massive crush I used to have on him. I just wanted you to know that.”

She
caught me by surprise, and I found that I couldn’t speak over the lump in my
throat so I just nodded. She gave a small smile. “See ya.” I watched her walk
back to the car park and waited until she drove away before I left as well.

I
had barely let myself think of Joseph. Life should have been simple. Ewan was
gone, there were no emotional ties keeping me away from him. But I couldn’t go
to him. It would have seemed like he was the second choice, chosen only because
of the convenience of Ewan’s death. And he had too much pride for that, and I
would never want him to feel that way because it wasn’t true. So instead I
plodded along with my life.