Deep Water (8 page)

My
parents sat me down in a calm fashion to explain that they were getting
divorced. Mom was moving in with Terrence Teller. She was in love apparently,
and her marriage had been dead for years. Dad sat in his chair stiffly as she
explained this to me. I saw his jaw clench as my mother beamed with happiness.

The house would be sold, and I would
live with Mom in Mr. Teller’s lakeshore palace. Dad was getting an apartment,
and I could stay there on the weekends. I listened, calm and still, as all of
this was explained to me.

I couldn’t help myself. “Does Mr. Teller
know how crazy you are?”

My mother made a movement like I had
slapped her, and a smile flickered across Dad’s face.

“He knows. He’s been fucking her for a
few years now.” For the first time, I realized that my Dad was drunk. Usually,
I associated the fumes of alcohol with her, but now, for this meeting, it was
him.

My mother lifted her head and raised
herself, so her back was straight. “I think we’ve discussed this enough for one
day. It’s a very emotional time. I’m going to Terrence’s tonight. I don’t want
to make this more trying on your Dad than it has been already.”

For the first time, I laughed. “He’s not
my Dad, remember? He’s just the guy you convinced to love and support you to
get you out of a bind.” I never knew I could sneer like that.

She looked at me coldly as she stood,
tall in her stilettos. “You may stay here until the house is sold, Jessie. But
then you’re coming with me.” Her craziness was gone, replaced instead with an
icy, calculating persona. I wondered how long she could keep it up with Teller.

She closed the door quietly behind her.
Everything she wanted to take with her must have already been loaded into her
car. Dad gave a bitter laugh then he headed for his office and closed the door.
I knew there was a collection of liquor in there. I guess he’d be getting
completely obliterated tonight. I hoped he didn’t cry.

School
had been back for a couple of
months. The air was cold now, and there certainly was no more hanging out at
the lake or swimming. I dressed warmly, never seeming to be able to get that
chill from my bones despite the tights and woolen skirts. Even when I wore
jeans, I still felt cold all the time.

It was so easy to ignore Joseph. We had
just one class together, and in that he sat at the back with the stoners and
their marijuana scent, while I sat in the mixture of hairspray and perfume that
my friends provided. Same as at lunch, I sat with my group while he sat with
his. There was never a text message from him, never any attempt at
communication from him. That just scalded my ego all the more.

After my mother had absconded to her
lover’s house and my father into his office for a night of getting drunk, I
went to a party with the aim of getting well and truly trashed. It seemed the
best way to deal with things.

I stole the vodka that she hadn’t
thought to take with her. I placed that alongside a bottle of diet coke into my
bag before Eve walked to my house so we would go together. With a stony face,
I’d told her my parents were splitting up. She hadn’t seemed surprised and just
hugged me.

“At least your Mom hooked up with
someone rich,” she offered in comfort. “It could be worse.”

She was right. I hooked arms with her,
and we walked together to Lena’s house.  Ewan was holding court with a bunch of
our friends in the games room. He waved at me, and I’d waved back before
finding a paper cup and pouring myself a drink. Ewan liked me. I knew it, but
he’d never made a move since that horrible night, which was probably for the
best since I couldn’t get stupid, cheating Joseph out of my head.

I clumsily poured a drink for Eve as
well, and then we collapsed down on a couch and set about getting well and
truly drunk. It didn’t take much, and soon I was giggling and happy and
uninhibited. I had to use the wall for support as I made my way to the
bathroom. I bumped into a few people on the way, but no one seemed to mind. I
started to feel sick in the bathroom, and dry heaved over the toilet for a bit,
but nothing came out.

Air. I needed air.

I knew Lena’s parents’ bedroom had a
small balcony on it and that it was just up the hall, so that was where I
headed. The room was empty, and I stumbled out through the French doors to sit
on the floor of the balcony. A welcome cool breeze rushed onto my face, and I
instantly felt better as I leaned against the wall of the house. I blinked
several times in an attempt to stop the world from spinning. Finally, I just
settled for closing my eyes because it made everything still.

I laughed at myself for being so ridiculously
drunk.

“Are you going to be sick?” a familiar
voice asked, and for a moment I thought that I was hallucinating.

But when I opened my eyes, I saw that it
was Joseph crouching down beside me.

I shook my head. “No, I’m good.”

“You’re wasted.”

“I’m good,” I repeated.

“Whatever you say.” He sat beside me,
leaning against the wall as he drank his beer. I managed to coordinate my actions
enough to take it from his grasp. I lifted it to my lips and took a long, cool
drink. It felt nice in comparison to all the vodka I’d consumed that night. I
passed it back to him, and he took it, wordlessly.

We sat in silence for a while, and I
kept opening and closing my eyes in the hope that the world would stop
spinning. I felt his arm go around my waist.

“I could take you home if you wanted me
to.”

I laughed. “I don’t want to fuck
you
.”
The arm disappeared, and I kept on laughing. “You’re such a
loser.
A
cheating, druggie,
loser.
What would I want with someone like you?” My
laughter continued, but I didn’t even recognize it. Who had I become?

I heard him move beside me. “You’re just
a spoiled, anorexic bitch. You’re disgusting.” My eyes snapped open at the
venom in his words. His fingers reached out and went under my top, pinching at
my skin. “I can feel your fucking ribcage. You think that’s normal?”

My hands reached out and shoved him away
before I struggled to my feet. It was hard, and I kept losing my balance until
his arms reached out and held onto me. “I’m not anorexic. I’m careful! And you
don’t think I’m disgusting. You fucking
want
me.”

I tried to kiss him, pressing my lips
against his in a fumbling, unattractive way. I didn’t even care that he didn’t
kiss back at first. I persisted, spurred on by a drunken confidence. And then
his lips and tongue cooperated, as his hands reached down to grab my ass and
press me to him.

My hands found their way to feel every
curve of his body, creeping underneath to touch his skin and trace the muscle
that I remembered and dreamed about. We made our way inside, kissing and
feeling each other up. I pushed him down on the bed and worked on getting his
jacket off before pushing up the t-shirt he wore underneath. Chest exposed, I
sat on top of him, lowering my mouth back onto him and not resisting when he
started to hike up my skirt.

I was flipped over onto my back, so he
was above me. My top was gone, but I still wore my bra. My skirt was bunched up
around my waist, and Joseph was working on getting my panties down. All the
while his mouth was on mine, bringing back wonderful memories of before. I
closed my eyes, remembering us at the lake, swimming and touching, and
everything seemed perfect.

“Are you sure?” he whispered.

I just kissed him in response as I felt
his fingers touch me between the legs as he played with me and kissed me. I
couldn’t think straight with the sensations ripping through my body and the
drunken haze I seemed to be stuck in. Then he pressed into me, slowly, but it
still hurt and my breath caught in my throat. A hand was tangled in my hair,
and his eyes were closed, he’d stopped kissing me now as he just concentrated
on moving in and out of me.

It hurt so badly, and I bit my lip
violently to keep from crying out. I shook with pain, but maybe he thought it
was ecstasy because he seemed spurred on by it, picking up the pace as I
imagined him rubbing my insides into a raw and bloodied mess. Silent tears
began to slide down my face as I inwardly prayed for this torture to end. I
tasted blood in my mouth from my teeth embedded in my lip. Eyes still closed, he
bent his face down to mine and nuzzled against me as he shook and gasped. Then
he stopped moving, letting out a sigh before he smiled. His eyes opened, heavy-lidded
and drunk, but then they widened as he took in my tear stained face and
bloodied lip.

He moved off me quickly, gripping the
condom as he withdrew from me. I hadn’t even known that there was a condom
somewhere amidst all the lust, and this one was red. I sat up, hugging my knees
to my chest. My legs looked so thin and frail, especially with the smeared
blood between my thighs. I reached down to touch it, transferring the red onto
my fingertips and my breath caught in horror at its sight.

“
Oh,”
I breathed, staring at my
fingers, as fresh tears started to roll down my face.

Joseph sat beside me; the condom had
disappeared somewhere, and he had a towel in his hand. It was warm and wet as
he wiped my fingers with it.

“It’s normal to bleed the first time,”
he said, almost nervously. He took the towel and wiped between my legs. “I’m
sorry I hurt you, but it won’t hurt like that next time. I promise.” Then he
sat up with me against the headboard and pulled me into his arms. I let him,
stunned at what we’d just done and feeling uncomfortably sober all of a sudden.

“Please stop crying,” he said quietly as
my head rested on his chest, but I couldn’t help it.

“My parents are getting a divorce,” I
told him between sobs.

He rubbed his hand along my arm.
“Sorry,” he whispered into my hair.

“I have to live my Mom and her new
boyfriend, who’s my Dad’s boss. Isn’t that fucked up?” I was shaking and
pressed harder against him for support.

“Yeah.”

There was a moment of silence, and then
I said, “I can’t believe that I just had sex.” My voice was shaky as well. I clutched
onto him with my hands; my fingers must have been digging into his arm, but he
didn’t even flinch. “This wasn’t how I imagined it would be. It wasn’t supposed
to be like this. It was supposed to be
nice.
” I felt him go rigid. “I
wasn’t supposed to be drunk at a
party.
I wasn’t supposed to have sex
because I was angry and sad and just needed…I don’t know what I needed,” I
ended despondently, my head buried in his chest now.

Neither of us spoke for a long while,
then Joseph interrupted the silence, shifting away from me and making it so I
leaned against only the headboard.

“I’ve gotta get going,” he said as he
searched for his clothes, not meeting my eyes as he started getting dressed.

“What? You’re just going. After what we
did?” I hugged myself. He paused in his actions, holding his t-shirt in his
hands as he stared at the ground. I saw his chest move up and down as he took
shallow breaths. Finally, he looked at me.

“What do you want me to do, Jessica? You
basically just told me that this whole thing was just one giant mistake.”

I realized how what I’d said must have
sounded to him. “I didn’t mean you. I didn’t mean that
you
were a
mistake,” I said, quietly.

He watched me, before speaking. “I’m
sorry I hurt you. I wish I’d been gentler, I just got carried away. I don’t
regret what we just did. I’m glad I got to be your first. It’s what I’ve wanted
for years.” Then he pulled his t-shirt over his head and grabbed his jacket. “I’ll
see you ‘round.”

He closed the door behind him.

I sat there staring at that door for a
few moments before I started to move as well. I gathered my clothes up and put
them on my body like a protective layering. I texted Eve goodbye and walked
home alone.

The only light that burned was in Dad’s
office. I poked my head around the door and saw him asleep in his chair. An
empty bourbon bottle sat on his desk. I just turned off the light and closed
the door on him.

I took a long shower and watched the
blood wash from me.

I
slept late, not as late as my Dad, though. At some stage, he had left his
office and made his way to his bedroom. The door stayed shut, I heard
occasional noises from his room and thought about offering to get him something
to eat. But I didn’t want to face him, I didn’t want to see his hurt; I had
enough of my own. As the afternoon stretched on, and the blood between my legs
had subsided to nearly nothing, I got in my car.

I headed to the Hargreaves Street house,
but it was locked up tight with no sign of activity. So instead, I headed for
Joseph’s home. I had been there once when I’d dropped him off after his car
wouldn’t start. He hadn’t invited me inside then, and there had never been an
invitation later. I had never invited him into my house either…

It was in an area of low-cost housing,
filled with identical box-like dwellings. The only points of difference were
the colors of peeling paint, and some had chain link fences erected. In a few,
people had made efforts through sad gatherings of marigolds but they tended to
be overwhelmed by the neglected grass that out grew everything.

Joseph’s house didn’t even have the
marigolds. It had a cracked path leading up to a splintered front door, and
this is what I walked up when I finally got up the nerve to get out of my car.
I knocked on the door, and I heard footsteps inside. I took a deep breath as I
prepared myself to face Joseph.

But it wasn’t him that opened the door.
The woman was older and pretty, even though she looked tired. She looked at me
inquisitively for a moment before giving a small smile and asking, “Can I help
you?”

I was taken aback at first. Joseph
always seemed so independent and aloof; it was hard to think of him living with
people.

“Um, hi. Is Joseph home?”

She just nodded like she wasn’t
surprised. “Sure. He’s out back.” She stepped aside so I could enter and nodded
with her head down the hallway. I stepped in and saw the hall led all the way
to a door at the back of the house. Even with the light it gave, it all seemed
terribly dark and pokey in comparison to my house.

“Thanks.” I stepped past her and walked
down the worn carpet. There were a few photos on the walls but, conscious of
her eyes on me, I didn’t stop to look at them.

Joseph sat on the back porch smoking a
cigarette. He must have heard my footsteps and the door bang behind me, but he didn’t
turn around.

“Joseph?” His head twisted rapidly to
look at me like I’d given him a fright.

I took a step back in shock when I saw
his face. One eye was nearly swollen shut, and that same side was marred by
bruising. His lip was fat, and a cut had clotted. My tongue darted out to touch
the wound on my own lip, but that one I had done myself. He turned away from
me, sucking on his cigarette.

“What are you doing here?”

 I nearly took another step back at the
hostility in his voice, but I steeled myself and moved forward instead to sit
beside him. I lifted a hand to touch his damaged face. If I had been thinking
straight I would have known that it would just hurt him more, but I wanted to
help and they only way I could think to do that was to touch him.

But he ducked away from me. “What the
fuck do you want?” he snapped. My hand was left stupidly suspended in the air
before I slowly curled it back to my body and hugged my knees.

“I’m sorry about the stuff I said last
night.”

He let out a short laugh. “Great. You
can go now.”

I felt my face crease with hurt and I
pressed my lips together to stop them twisting and making an involuntary sound.
I twisted my hands together. “Joseph–”

He turned to me. “What?” he barked out.
“You think we need to connect now that we fucked? Trust me. I’ve fucked loads
of girls, we don’t.

I swallowed. “Why are you being so
mean?”

“Mean? This isn’t me being mean,
Jessie
.
I just don’t have time to deal with you and your fucking rich girl problems.”
His swollen, beaten mouth formed something like a mocking smile. “Your parents
are getting divorced, boo hoo. That’s not a problem; it’s a fucking
gift!
”
He pointed to his damaged face. “
This
is what a real fucking problem
is.”

“Joseph,” I said, desperately, wanting
to say something, anything to change how he was acting.

“Shut up.” He inhaled violently on his
cigarette before blowing the smoke over me. “Seriously, what
is
your
biggest problem? Is it deciding to eat one carrot or two a day? The fact that
you have the audacity to have an eating disorder when you could have as much
food as you wanted is like a slap in the face to everyone who’s ever starved.”

“I don’t have an eating disorder.” The
words blurted out, an automatic reaction driven by the shock I felt at his
cruelty.

“Whatever you say, princess,” he
sneered. “Do you do it for attention? Is that it?”

I tried to swallow over the lump in my
throat and blinked back tears.

“
Joey
,” came his mother’s voice
from within the house. “Katrin’s here!”

Footsteps thumped down the hallway, and
then Katrin opened the screen door. She stopped short when she saw me, her eyes
darting to Joseph.

“What’s she doing here?” She was
frowning, worry clearly imprinted on her face.

Joseph flicked the butt of his cigarette
away as he stood. “Don’t worry about her.” He wrapped an arm around her waist,
pressing a kiss to her cheek as I watched. “I let her have my dick last night,
and she’s decided she can’t get enough. Unfortunately, I had to tell her that
it’s all yours today, and she didn’t take it so well.” He gave her a teasing
grin, which she tried to match, but she still kept darting worried little looks
in my direction. He opened the door for her to go inside before giving me a
look that I could only read as enjoyment at his cruelty. “Don’t worry, Jessie.
There’ll be plenty for you another day.” Then he grinned. “I tell you what.
I’ll let you take my cock in your mouth next time. You’ll like it. I hear cum
has next to no calories so you can swallow it safely down without worrying
about getting fat.”

I stumbled up to my feet, before shoving
past him to enter the house. Katrin stood in the doorway of a bedroom, watching
me. I averted my eyes from hers and made it out the front door and to my car.
My hands trembled as I tried to put the key in the ignition, I finally got it,
and the car roared to life. I slammed my foot down on the accelerator in my
haste to get out of there.

It was hard to keep breathing as I
drove, and I didn’t even remember consciously heading to the lake. But that’s
where I ended up. I got out of my car and sat at the water’s edge. Somewhere in
the distance, someone was still daring to water ski, and the wake kept licking
at my feet. I took several, shaky breaths as I kept opening and closing my eyes
in the hope that everything that just happened was an unbelievable nightmare.