Deeper (19 page)

When
it was coming close to a year since Alan’s passing and things with Ryder still
hadn’t gotten better. Everyone was just tolerating him because he wasn’t just
the lead singer of the band, but he was family to us and you don’t give up on
your family when they need you (even if they are too proud to admit it). Little
did I know that it would take another tragic loss to finally get him to slow
down.

When
I received the call that Rose had died, I was terrified to tell Ryder about it,
knowing this would just send him even further off the deep end. Surprisingly
when I sat him down to tell him, he was instantly calm and simply asked how it
happened. When I told him that she’d overdosed on a combination of
anti-depressants, strong pain meds, and alcohol, he just took a deep breath and
said, “Okay. I’ll plan the funeral this time.” That was it…he said nothing more
about it and had barely spoken to any of us until about a week after the
funeral.

When
Ryder did finally decide to speak to someone, it turned out that I was the one
he opened up to. He told me that losing his father had broken him, but losing
his mother was what made him open his eyes. He didn’t want to go out the way
she did, mixing drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of Alan’s death. I wish he’d
decided to get help from a treatment program, but he was stubborn and tapered
off the drug use on his own (which I still think was dangerous and he is damn
lucky he was able to do it on his own). The drinking and whoring around with different
women every night, however, had become his full time hobby and he and Jude were
constant competition with Beau to see how many notches they could make in the
bed post night after night. When we went to New York City and Ryder had gotten
his memorial tattoo for Alan, they’d become friends with a tattoo artist named
Jake Riggins (who happened to be cousins with Eternal Down’s lead singer
Jagger) who quickly became another competitor in their group. I really did like
Jake and he was very talented at what he did, but he was about as big of a
whore as Jude was and sometimes he didn’t know when to not try and turn on the
charm. I had to make it clear pretty early on that I was in love with Kris and
that if he tried to pull any shit with me, he’d be eating his food through a
straw for a while.

Things
now were about as normal as they could be and they guys were getting ready to
embark on yet another tour. It was also going to be a long one and we would be
gone for the better part of a year. Even though this was huge for them, I was
disappointed we’d be gone so long for two reasons.

Pretty
much since we’d gotten back together, Kris had told me that he wanted us to
have our dream house built but had never seemed to find the time to make plans.
We had been leasing a beautiful home for the last year and a half and we had an
option to buy it. Even though we loved it, we wanted to have a place that was
ours from the time it was built, so once we found the property we liked, we’d
planned on taking time to hire a contractor and a crew to build the house we’d
always dreamed of. With Bad Blooded Rebel going on tour again our plans would
have to be put on hold once more.

The
other reason I was disappointed? I wanted to marry Kris like
yesterday
.

I’d
wanted him to propose for so long and was honestly surprised that he hadn’t
yet. I mean, hell, we’d been in love for years and loved each other more and
more every single day. I didn’t understand what was taking him so long. Surely
he knew I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I planned
on talking to him about it once we were on the tour bus and we had endless time
to discuss it. Of course, when things in your life seem to be slowly getting
back on track after being knocked down, life has a fucked-up way of forcing you
to take a hard right turn.

As
I was in the bedroom packing both of our suitcases, my cell phone rang. I
picked it up off the night stand table and looked at the caller ID on the
display. It was a number I didn’t recognize and the name display wasn’t showing
who it was. Usually I send those kinds of calls to my voicemail because most of
them were journalists or crazy fans that had gotten my cell number somehow and
wanted an in with one of the guys in the band. I don’t know what made me pick up
the phone this time but against my better judgment I answered the call.

“Hello?”
I asked, throwing a few rolls of socks into Kris’ bag.

An
automated voice message started playing and said, “Hello. An inmate in the Ohio
Reformatory for Women is trying to contact you. If you accept the charges,
please press one. If not, please press two or simply hang up.”

I
felt my stomach drop and my hands started to shake as I gripped my phone in my
hands as the automated message began to replay. After everything that she’d
done to me, Crystal was trying to contact me.

Oh
hell no.

“Okay,
I got everything we needed from the bathroom and I didn’t forget our
toothbrushes this time,” Kris said light heartedly as he walked into our
bedroom. “Oh yeah, make sure you pack that sexy pair of panties with the
leopard print on them because they are my fav-Jess? What’s wrong?” I looked at
him and I could feel tears stinging my eyes. He rushed over to my side and
tossed the bag of toiletries on the bed before putting his hands on my arms.
“Baby? What’s wrong? Who’s on the phone?”

I
held the phone out to him and whispered, “Crystal.”

His
green eyes blazed with fury as he took the phone from me. He ended the call and
tossed the phone on the bed.

“That
fucking bitch,” he grumbled. “Did you talk to her?”

“N-no,
it was just a message that told me someone from the Ohio Reformatory was trying
to call me. I didn’t speak to her.”

“She’s
got fucking nerve trying to contact you after what she’s done.”

“I
know,” I answered, still shaking. “Why the hell would she bother to call me
now? She made it clear that she hates me and blames me for her life turning to
shit. How can she think after everything she’s done that I’d want to talk to
her?”

Kris
pulled me into his arms and rocked me back and forth and I instantly felt safe.
However, I was still shaken by the call.

“I
don’t know Jess, but I will make sure it never happens again. I’m going to find
out how that bitch got your phone number and after I rip the prison a new
fucking asshole, we’re putting a block on your phone.”

“Okay,
thank you. I…I don’t want to talk to her, Kris.”

“You
don’t have to. I’ll always protect you from everything that hurts you, Jess.
Always,” he replied as he held onto me.

“Thank
God. I just hate this…one fucking phone call. That’s all it took to completely
shake me.”

“I’m
so sorry, Jess,” Kris answered and kissed the top of my head.

Just
then we heard the front door open and Jude’s voice boomed through the house.

“Hey
lovers, put your clothes on! I’m coming through!” he yelled. When he found us
in the bedroom, his mood went from light to concerned really quickly. “What’s
wrong? Everything okay?”

“No
man, Crystal just fucking tried to call her,” Kris answered.

“Are
you fucking shitting me? Why in the hell would that cunt try to contact her?”

“I
don’t know man but I’m going to make sure she never tries again.”

My
eyes roamed to him and I noticed he was holding a stack of envelopes in his
hand.

“What
are those, Jude?”

“Oh
these?” he answered, holding them up in his hand. “I just thought I’d grab your
mail on my way inside. I’ll just set them on the bed.” He tossed them onto the
comforter next to Kris’ bag and there was an envelope that caught my attention.
When I squinted through my glistening eyes I noticed the address on the return
label…

Ohio
Reformatory for Women.

What
the hell was going on? This woman told me every single day for the first
eighteen years of my life that she hated me and wished I’d never been born. Now
after she’d beaten me unconscious, killed my unborn daughter, and caused me to
probably never be able to have children, she was trying to contact me.

“Jude,
hand me that letter,” I said, letting go of Kris and moving closer to the bed.

Kris’
eyes followed mine and when he saw the letter he growled.

“Jess,
no. Whatever she has to say in this isn’t fucking important.”

“I
just want to know so I can move on.”

“I’m
with Kris on this, Jessie. There’s nothing in there that will change anything
and will only fuck with your head even more,” Jude answered.

“Give
me the letter, Jude. Now,” I demanded. With uncertainty, Jude looked at Kris
and then sighed. He picked it up and handed the letter to me.

“I
don’t like this Jess,” Kris stated. “I don’t want you to be hurt anymore by
this fucking cow.”

“Whatever
is in this letter can’t hurt me any worse than she already has,” I answered and
tore the envelope open. With shaking hands, I opened the letter and began to
read.

Dear Jessica,

I’m sure you are wondering why in the world I am
writing to you and probably won’t even read this. That’s okay because I know I
deserve none of your time after everything I’ve done to you. I know I’ve made
your life horrible from the moment you were born and that everything bad that’s
ever happened to you is my fault. I know I don’t deserve it, but the reason I
am writing this letter to you is to ask you for two things; to be able to see
you and to have the chance to say I’m sorry.

When I first got here, my health was really bad from
all the drinking and drugs I did for so long and with the help of the doctors
and psychiatrists here I have been through a rehab program and I’m completely
clean for the first time since I was thirteen.  For the first time in my life I
am clearly seeing what a terrible person I am and what a horrible mother I was
to you. I’d love a chance to say sorry but not just for me. I think you deserve
the chance to finally say to me what you want to say. You are a wonderful girl
and deserve that peace and as your mother that is the only gift I can give you
now.

Please consider visiting me. If you decide you want
to come, I will be quiet and let you have your say. If you choose not to, I
will understand. I know I deserve to be here and have no place in your life
anymore, but I just want one chance to try to make things right.

Love,

Mom

“Oh
dear God,” I breathed out.

“What
does the letter say, Jess?” Kris asked.

I
raised a shaking hand to my face and wiped my tear stained cheeks.

“She
wants me to visit her.”

“Hell
fucking no!” Kris said loudly. “There’s no way in hell I’m letting you anywhere
near that fucking bitch!”

“Jess,
what are you thinking?” Jude asked, stepping closer to me. “No matter what she
wants to say, she doesn’t deserve to even be thought of after what she did to
you and your baby. I’m with Kris. I say no.”

I
looked at both of them and narrowed my eyes. “Look, I get that you guys are
trying to protect me, but this isn’t either of your decisions, it’s mine.
Besides, what is she going to do to me in jail?”

“You’re
not actually thinking of visiting her, are you?” Kris asked angrily.

“I
don’t know. I don’t want to see her but she says that she’s clean for the first
time in twenty-five years. She says she wants the chance to say she’s sorry.”

“She
doesn’t fucking deserve the chance to say it,” Kris grumbled.

“She
also said that I should have the chance to tell her everything I want to and
won’t bat an eyelash if I decide to unleash all of my anger at her.” I took a
deep breath and sighed. “I think I want to go.”

“What?
No, Jess. I’m not letting you go there alone,” he declared furiously.

“So
come with me then,” I suggested. “That way you can be there in case I lose it
and you can have your say too. She killed our daughter, Kris, and as her father
you should be there to confront her too.”

After
a few quiet moments, he nodded his head and angrily said, “Okay. I’ll get it
set up tomorrow.”

“Thanks
for understanding, Kris. I know you don’t want to do this but it means so much
that you’re willing to go with me. I won’t be able to get through this without
you. I love you,” I answered.

“I
love you too, Jess. I still don’t like this, but I’ll do it for you. I’ll do
anything for you.”

I
wasn’t going to admit this to Kris, but I was nervous as hell about seeing her.
The only good thing about this visit was that I was finally going to be able to
tell her everything I’d always been too afraid to say and I was so grateful
that I was going to have Kris by my side.

Kris

I
didn’t fucking like this. I didn’t want Jessie anywhere near Crystal and had
already written her off for dead. But now because of that damned letter, I was
sitting in a visitors’ room in a prison next to my girlfriend as we waited to
confront the woman that was responsible for the death of our baby girl.

I
reached out to squeeze Jessie’s hand as the inmates started coming into the
room one by one. I could feel her tensing even more and I leaned in to her ear
and whispered, “I know I am beginning to sound like a broken record but you
don’t have to do this, Jess. We can turn around and leave right now.”

“I’m
okay, Kris. I need to do this not just for me but for us. I have to have my
say.”

I
sighed and nodded at her. I understood but I still couldn’t help my feelings on
this. Sitting across the table from the woman that ruined my girlfriend’s life
was the last place I wanted to be.

I
looked up and when my eyes landed on Crystal walking toward our table, they
narrowed in hate. She looked like shit and that made me feel a tiny bit better
about this whole thing. She looked like she’d not only gained some weight but
that she was almost swollen and her skin was tight and had a slight yellow tint
to it. The bitch probably had shot her liver to oblivion from years of hard
liquor and even harder drugs.

“Jessica,”
she said, smiling nervously as she sat across from us. “I’m glad you came. You
look so beautiful,” she said timidly, and then her eyes turned to me. “Kris,
it’s nice to see you again. I’ve heard so much about your band on the news.
Congratulations.”

Rage
burned in my chest and my jaw was so tense I felt like I was going to break my
teeth. Jessie squeezed my hand under the table and she looked at me, silently
begging me to stay calm. All I could do was just nod at her and just keep my
eyes on her. My love for Jessie was the only thing keeping me calm.

“Look,
Crystal, I’m only here because I wanted my chance to finally have my say. You
tortured me for years and took something from me that I’ll never, ever be able
to get back,” Jessie stated, her voice beginning to quiver.

Crystal
hung her head low and whispered, “I know. I just wanted to have the chance to
tell you how sorry I am. For everything.”

Jessie
huffed out a cold laugh.

“Well
you said it. You feel better now?” she snapped at her.

“No.
Nothing will ever take this guilt away. Jessica…I didn’t know you were pregnant.”

She’d
finally addressed the elephant in the room and I had to grip Jessie’s hand
tighter so I wouldn’t lose my cool.

“That
wouldn’t have mattered and you know it,” Jessie replied and my chest ached from
the pain in her voice.

Crystal
looked down at the table she sighed.

“I
hate to agree with you, but you’re right. At the time it probably wouldn’t
have. Jesus, I’m so sick over what I’ve done.”

“Good.
I hope you hurt every single day for the rest of your life for killing our baby
and coming close to killing me because I know I will. Do you have any idea how
much you truly hurt me? Doctors say that I have close to a zero chance of ever
having a baby now after the damage you caused.” The tears were pouring from her
eyes and all I could do was just hold her hand tightly.

“I’m
sorry Jessica. God, I’m so sorry,” she cried and when I finally looked back at
her I was surprised to find actual remorse in her eyes.

“I
don’t think there are enough apologies in this world to make up for what you
did to me. You abused me for my entire life, you almost beat me to death, you
took my child from me…” Jessie said, and trailed off when she started to cry
harder. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close to me. “It was a girl,
did you know that? Because of your hatred for your own daughter I’ll never be
able to hold mine. I will never hear her call me Mommy…I’ll never be able to
hear anyone call me Mommy. How can you live with yourself after what you’ve
done?” Crystal just sat in her chair and silently wept, seemingly at a loss for
words. Jessie was starting to breathe rapidly and I was worried that she might
start to hyperventilate.

“Jess,
baby, calm down,” I whispered to her, gently stroking her hair. “Don’t get
yourself upset over her.”

“I’m
okay,” she answered and wiped her cheeks with her free hand. She turned her
eyes back to Crystal, who was still crying, and glared at her. “Can I ask you a
question?”

“Of
course,” Crystal said, sniffing.

“If
you hated me so much, why did you keep me? You always made it pretty clear that
you wish I’d never been born because I was a burden to you. I was better off in
a foster home than I ever was with you. Shit, I would have been better off dead
than to live with a monster like you.” My heart ached when Jessie said that and
I felt a cold shiver go down my spine as it hit me how close I came to actually
losing her.

“Jessica!
Don’t you ever say that!” she gasped, shock in her voice. I rolled my eyes and
audibly sighed at her sudden concern if her daughter was alive or dead. Crystal
lowered her head before she looked back up to Jessie.

“I
tried, Jessica, I really did. When I found out I was pregnant with you I really
tried to get clean but I was weak. I know it’s no excuse but that’s the only
truth I have. I was sixteen and scared and had no idea what to do. Then I had
this innocent, beautiful baby girl that needed me and I completely failed her. I
was ashamed with myself at how my life had turned out so it was easier to be
angry at you than to face the fact that I was a worthless mess. I put all of my
anger on you and made your life anything less than as perfect as I could have
and should have made it.”

“Do
you even hear how fucked up that is?” I finally snapped, causing her and Jessie
to jump. “You basically just said that you screwed up in your life and took it
out on the one person that never asked to be here, never asked to be a part of
this nightmare. The one girl you should have given up
everything
for. The
one you should have died to protect. You missed out on really getting to know
this amazing and breathtaking woman because you were bitter over your lost
youth. You are a selfish bitch and you fucking make me sick, Crystal.”

The
tears were pouring down her face but I felt no sadness for her pain. I hoped
this hurt her as much as she’d hurt Jessie.

“You’re
right, Kris, about all of it. I feel nothing but unbearable pain and sickness
over everything I ever did to her. I am right where I should be and deserve all
of your hate and anger. I should have protected her from the evils of the world,
even if that evil was me.”

“Yes
you should have…but you didn’t. Alan and Rose were the parents I never had and
they tried so hard to help keep me safe.  Ryder, Jude, and Beau were the
brothers I never had and the best friends I could have ever imagined. And
Kris,” she paused, looking at me with tears in her beautiful blue eyes, “was,
is, and will always be my everything. This man took me under his wing from the
time we were children and stayed by my side through everything you ever put me
through. Even though I never knew what it felt like to be loved by you, I
always felt treasured and safe with him and that’s all I’ll ever need.”

My
heart warmed as her words really sunk in. I’d just fallen head over heels in
love with her all over again.

“I
am so happy that you have someone like him to love you that way. After
everything I put you through, you deserve to be treated like a princess. It was
obvious to even me that you two were destined to end up together. Listen, I
know that you didn’t want to be here and the only reason you came was to
finally put me in my place and that’s okay because I’ve earned it. I also know
that I will probably never see you again after this and I understand completely
if you don’t want anything else to do with me. I just wanted you to know that
despite everything I ever did or said, that I…I love you Jessica. You’re the
best thing I ever did in my life and I was too stupid to realize that. I hope
that the rest of your life is beautiful because you have earned it.”

Jessie
started to cry even harder in that moment and the look on her face was very
confusing. I couldn’t tell if she was livid or touched. I for one thought
Crystal’s words were coming way too late but this wasn’t my mother…this wasn’t
my game. It was Jessie’s and the ball was in her court.

“Two
minutes!” shouted a guard and I couldn’t have been happier that this was almost
over.

Jessie
wiped her eyes and she cleared her throat.

“You
are right…this is the last time you’ll ever see me. I was nervous to come here
but I’m actually glad that I did. I will never be able to forget everything you
ever did to me or forgive you after what you’ve done, but I will say one
thing.” Reaching out and touching Crystal’s hand, she said, “Thank you.”

“Thank
you?” Crystal asked, confused.

“Yes,
I have to thank you. Even though my life with you was pure hell, thank you for
giving it to me because not only did you teach me how to survive in the worst
of situations, I also learned that if I am ever able to achieve the impossible
and be a mother I know what not to do for them by your example. I will be the
most loving, nurturing, and grateful parent in the world and in a sick and
cruel way I have you to thank for that.”

A
guard walked over and stood Crystal up. As she turned to be led back to her
cell, she glanced at Jessie one last time and simply said, “Goodbye Jessica. I
hope you get the chance to be the mother I never was…the mother I should have
been.” With those last words she was led out of the room and I breathed a sigh
of relief knowing I’d never have to see her again.

Once
she was gone I turned back to Jessie and ran my fingers along the curve of her
neck and gently massaged her. “You okay?”

Her
face was hard to read…she looked completely confused.

“Yes,
I mean no. I mean…I don’t know. That was just as weird as I thought it was
going to be.”

“How
do you feel about all of it?”

She
shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t really know what I feel. I mean, I finally had
my say and told her everything I’d never had the courage to say and she just
sat there and let me slam her. I will never ever forgive her but she really
does seem to have changed. I’ve never seen her like this before…so clear and
calm and remorseful. It’s really fucking with my head right now.”

“Well
I’m sure that’s going to take time to work all of this out but you were
amazing, Jess, and I’m so proud of you.”

“Really?”
she asked, her eyes looking into mine.

“Really,”
I whispered before leaning in and kissing her beautiful lips.

“Thank
you Kris.” She sighed and asked, “You ready to get out of here?”

“Hell
yes,” I answered and she smiled for the first time since getting to the jail.
“Come on, let’s go home. I need to get out of this place and back to where
things make sense.”

“That
sounds like a great idea.” I took her hand as she stood up and we left the jail
together. Once we got out to my car I leaned into her and pinned her body
against the car. “I love you so much, Jess.”

“I
love you more,” she said and kissed me. “Thank you for being with me today.”

“I
wouldn’t have been anywhere else than right by your side.”

“I’m
so lucky to have you. Come on,” she said, shoving against my chest. “Let’s get
home and celebrate our last night in a real bed for a while. The buses are
leaving at four-thirty.”

“Sounds
good to me,” I answered, leaning my hand down to give her ass a light tap
before we both got into the car and drove home.

Seven
months later, the tour was in full swing and it showed no signs of slowing
down. We were on the road with Eternal Down again so it made this tour more
bearable. It was nice to share the stage with a band we knew that we got along
with so well. I also didn’t have to worry about any of them messing with Jessie
because they not only loved her like a sister, but they knew I’d bash their
skulls in if anyone tried to fuck with her.

This
tour was much larger than anything we’d done before and the label spent big
money to make sure we were comfortable. The buses were much fancier than we’d
had before and instead of the five of us being in one bus, both bands got two
each. Ryder, Jude, and Beau took turns alternating buses but Jessie and I were
pretty well set in ours. Each one had a kitchen, two bathrooms, a living room
of sorts equipped with flat screen plasma televisions with satellite and every
game system that was out. They also had decent sized bunks and a master bedroom
in the back of each bus, so when Jessie picked the one we’d be traveling in the
guys graciously let us have the big room.

Even
though the brothers that ran our label were dicks, they certainly spared no expense
and made sure that we were happy in all aspects on this tour, even if that
meant more money, more booze, more girls, or even drugs if anyone wanted them.
I wasn’t sure about Jagger, Logan, Cash, or Zayne, but thankfully drugs weren’t
anything we had to worry about anymore.