Deliverance (23 page)

Or can I? Can I do this with Nagissa repressed so far that it’s like she’s never existed. Garnier says we’re the same person. He says I’m fighting myself. Is he right? It doesn’t feel right. But for the first time I hope he is. I hope I can still play the music that soothes my soul. I hope the memories good and bad, the memories of a girl who is so much stronger than I am, are really mine. And most of all, I hope the person I am today, the human girl with her fear and insecurity, will always remain.

From the stage, the crowd seems bigger than when I was down in it. The large ballroom is filled with people from wall to wall. Many of them aren’t looking at me. They’re standing around chatting with each other. Sipping on drinks. Eating European-style canapés. I kneel in front of the harp, but she isn’t talking to me. She’s Nagissa’s and not mine. We are strangers and I know I won’t be able to play. I could escape everything. With Nagissa pushed so far down, I could just forget about everything, go home, and live a normal life. Without Leyli.

I clench my fists, close my eyes. There is no other choice. None I can live with. I let go of the tight control I have on the ageless Gargoyle living within me. I loosen my grip on sanity. I accept her memories. Her personality fills me, but doesn’t take me over. It’s who I used to be, but I’ve changed. Same as a recovered alcoholic will still have memories of his alcohol-induced fits of violence, I have memories of power-hunger and of indifference. The memories aren’t all bad, but I know I’m a better person than I was when I was her. And I don’t have to lose that.

The band plays around me and I’ve missed my cue at least a few minutes ago. They are trying to make the best of it, but I can tell by the way they are playing, by the energy they are releasing, that they don’t know what to do about my silence. I count the beats and find a good opening. My fingers tickle the strings and tease the sounds out of the instrument. Softly, like a cool breeze in spring. I continue this way until I can’t bear it any longer. I open my mouth and breathe out the first few notes. The sound slow and languid. Mournful and hopeful. I take all the suffering I have known. The longing, the loss, the boredom, the doubt. Lust, love, hope, and compassion. I ball it all together and release it to the crowd.

It feels cold and warm at the same time. Blue and green. Soft and tingly. It’s essence. I’m releasing essence to the crowd, but I’m not an essencialist. The other part of me, the memories that are mine and not at the same time, even they don’t understand it. It’s like I found magic in the air. In the very music I’m playing, and I’m taking it and giving it at the same time.

When the song comes to an end, I’m not the only one with tears in my eyes. I motion for the band not to start on the next song right away. I let the silence seep in before I address the crowd.

“These songs were written by someone whose memory we mourn and celebrate tonight. We are Farâsoo and we would be nothing if she hadn’t given everything for us.” I imagine Roxana now, struggling trying to write the perfect songs. I feel her desperation in the lyrics I sang. Her quest for perfection permeated the accords. “She gave everything for her music. So we give the music back to her.” I nod to Amir-Reza. His eyes shine with tears and with love. He nods back and starts a solo on the guitar.

My tears fall more openly now. Sliding down my cheek and onto the stage. I reach out to the harp and match Amir-Reza’s soulful whining sound. My harp is a light sprinkling summer rain to his spring storm. Both sounds play with each other and the others join in.

I’m alive. I feel the energy that surrounds me, brushing against my cheeks and tickling my hair. My eyes are more open somehow. I can see everything.

I see him first. At the back of the room, near a door. His black hair moves around his neck in a breeze. His piercing eyes seem greener and are fixed directly on me. His lips are set tight together. I tear my eyes away from him because there are two other figures near him that deserve my attention. The two girls have their arms linked together. They could be sisters. Except Leyli doesn’t have a sister.

I stand up and begin to leave the stage but Davood stops me. “I need more than two songs.”

“Sure, go sing some more songs, then. I have somewhere I need to be.”

He grabs my arm and I jerk away from him. “Don’t you dare touch me.” I crane my neck over the crowd but I can’t see anything. I don’t know if they are still there.

Garnier pushes his way to me. I throw myself into his arms. He holds me tight. “What’s wrong?” he whispers.

I push away from him and grab his hand, pulling him away from Davood. Pulling him into the crowd. “They’re here.” I shout over the noise of the crowd. He shakes his head at me.

I can talk to him through his mind. I just need to judge his essence to understand the frequency. My memories tell me that. They also don’t think I can do it because I’m not an essencialist. I can’t manipulate essence. Or at least, I shouldn’t be able to.

Recalling the energy I saw flowing in and out of the crowd, I concentrate on Garnier’s hand in mine. I search for essence. Halfway through the crowd I’m assaulted by a wave of cold fire. Essence. It is coming from Ramtin, but I grab it and use it. Garnier’s essence reacts to his; though much dimmer, it has a similar quality. I anchor myself to them, but I can’t use the mind voice because I know Ramtin would hear me. There should be a way to block him out, but I don’t know how. So instead I use it to pull me to him. Once I get to the spot I had seen him, he’s no longer there. But I know where he is. 

I had never seen her like this. She was on a mission. Wherever she dragged me was important. I knew it had something to do with Ramtin and she confirmed it when she anchored his essence to me. Was she Nagissa then? I couldn’t recognize which girl I was dealing with.

If Ramtin was here, did it mean Aude was too? Nakissa took me through a door to a less crowded room. There, people were smoking different substances and lounging on sofas.

She was in a corner. Just across the room from me. Aude.

The thick red streaks of her hair brightened her otherwise tired face. She wore heavy eyeliner rising at the corner giving her eyes the same cat-shape look as the girl who stood next to her. Leyli. Nakissa’s friend. The girls whispered animatedly to each other. I picked up the pace and was leading Nakissa now. Aude had seen me. She and Leyli had stopped talking.

Everything else in the room blurred. I’d found her. I followed my instinct and stayed in Iran to look for her and I was right. I was actually right. I could bring her home to Guillaume. I looked to Nakissa who was now behind me. I would have to leave her then?

Ramtin stepped in front of them. His face was scrunched in a terrible frown but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at Nakissa.

He closed the space between us. I looked from Aude, to Leyli, to Nakissa, and finally rested my sight on Ramtin. He only had eyes for Nakissa. There was something else behind the fury. Something I didn’t recognize.

“It is you,” he said.

She bit her lip and her hold on my hand tightened.

“You’re not what you should be.”

“You mean dead? No thanks to you.”

“Why do you always have to do things the hard way? Don’t you remember how it used to be between us?”

She shook her head. “Those five years were an illusion. We never loved each other; we both needed something from the other. It’s different. I know what love feels like.” She paused. “But you could never know.”

Ramtin shifted his piercing gaze to me. “So, you think you love each other?”

“I…I…” I didn’t think anything. I knew I liked her, but how could I say I loved her?

“This is not about Garnier,” she snapped. “And it’s not about us.”

The reminder of their shared past stung. It had been centuries ago, but was still important to them, somehow. The way Marguerite would always be a part of my past. Being immortal, we knew better than most how important it was not to dwell. There was too much past and it risked trapping us. But it didn’t mean it couldn’t affect us. Guillaume had been paralyzed by the past until Aude had released him from it. In a way, she had released us all from Guillaume’s past. And here she stood, quiet. She wouldn’t release me from my past. It was something I had to do on my own.

“Aude and Leyli are coming with us,” I told Ramtin.

“They are free to leave. Do you see them restrained in any way? But I don’t think they want to leave.”

They weren’t. He was right. Even when I had seen the recognition in their eyes. Even when they stopped whispering to each other. They hadn’t shown any interest in escaping. What had he done to them? Their eyes were dull. The spark of life was so far away. Aude was an essecialist. Her supply of essence was almost infinite. But she had to release it. She had to pull it out of her core.

“Aude owes her life to me,” Ramtin laughs. “She’s special. Just the way I created her to be.”

“Aude owes what she is to her ancestry. It has nothing to do with you.”

“Do you really believe all the events that have led us to where we are now were due to chance? Who do you think introduced the witch line to the shaman line?” He looked at Aude. “It’s too bad that degenerate alcoholic wanted to shape up and take care of his new family.
That
 hadn’t been part of my plan. But it’s okay, I took care of that. Alcoholics are easy to get rid of.”

“You introduced Aude’s parents to each other? Why?”

“Weren’t you listening? She’s special. Earth magic and soul magic. It’s a rare combination. Anyway, I could tell you all the other things I did to get where we are today, but I’m bored with this conversation.” He looked hard at Nakissa. “Though always you resist my manipulations.” He sighed and stepped towards her, and I put myself between them.

“Suit yourself. I can take her once I decide what to do with her. You guys weren’t able to protect Aude once I really wanted her, were you?” He motioned to the two girls. “Come on, girls. We’re done here.”

They walked out of the room. Before we could follow them, the same big security guys as last time blocked us. I tried to push through them but they grabbed both of us by the arms and dragged us out of the building.

I ached to go back in. But I needed a plan. I needed help.

So we went home.