Depravicus (27 page)

"When
they
fucking arrive."

"Ah,
twins."

"Not fucking
twins."

"I won't warn
you again, sir," Lana said sternly.

"Oh, yes.
Sorry."

"So, how is
the flowerpot factory?" Will asked.

"Not good. The
night shift are going onto days and..."

"At least
you'll be at home with your wife and daughter."

"That's
true."

"How many
children do you have?"

"Sixteen."

"My, you have
been busy."

"Someone's
been fu... Very busy. And it wasn't me."

"Might I
suggest that you finish your drink and go home to your lovely wife?
She'll be needing you by her side at a time like this."

"I suppose
so," he mumbled, downing his pint. "I'll call in again."

"Yes, you do
that. We're always open to... To valued customers."

Laughing as
the man left, Will was about to go to his church and reinstall
himself when he recalled the voice he'd heard. Fuck, he thought,
asking Lana for a pint of lager. Had he been dreaming? After a few
pints of Dutch courage he planned to go to the church. As Priest of
Cumsdale, a man in a position to enjoy himself, he wasn't going to
let Lucifer ruin things. If anything, Lucifer should be on his
side, he reflected.

Creeping into
Cumsdale Church, Will breathed in the musky air and looked about
him. There was no sign of Lucifer, not that he knew what signs to
look for. Bodies with wooden stakes through their hearts? No, that
was vampires. Wandering down the aisle, he went into his old office
and grinned. He'd had many an orgasm in the small room, fucked many
a hot pussy. Those might have been the days, he reflected, but now
these were the days.

There was a
lot to do, he knew as tried the light switch. At least the
electricity was still on. One of the first things he decided to do
was Christen the church by taking a naked girl over the altar.
Bound with ropes, her naked body laid open, he'd lick her clitoris
to orgasm, push his fist into her pussy, his bulbous knob deep into
her tight anal canal. Recalling one girl who'd taken a church
candle up her bum, Will adjusted his stiffening cock through his
cassock. Deciding to bring Lana to the church for a double fisting
over the altar, he made his plans.

Posters had to
be printed announcing the opening of Cumsdale Church, then there
was the Sunday sermon to write. A small fridge in the office
well-stocked with lager, a girl to deal with flower arranging,
bible stacking, knob sucking and the like... But there was no rush,
he mused, wondering what had happened to the basement bar. Ripped
out by the hypocritical hierarchy more than likely, he thought
sadly. Lifting the telephone, he was pleased to find it still
connected. About to ring home and order Lana to bring her little
pink pussy over to the church, he thought he heard movement outside
the office.

"And what do
you think you're doing?" the Bishop asked as he appeared in the
office doorway.

"Jesus, you
made me jump," Will gasped, dropping the phone and holding his hand
to his heart.

"I thought it
was you slipping into the church. Right, you've broken into the
church, you're trespassing, you're..."

"Trespassing?"
Will frowned. "Since when has a priest been guilty of trespassing
in his own church?"

"His own
church?" the pimple-nosed man chuckled. "You're insane. Have you
forgotten that not only are you no longer a priest, but you don't
have a church? What are you trying to do, claim squatters'
rights?"

"Cardinal
Browngrass paid me a visit earlier," Will returned smugly.

"Browngrass?
The new..."

"The very
same. We had quite a chat."

"I have never
known anyone to tell so many lies as you, Entercock. As if Cardinal
Browngrass would bother visiting the likes of you, let alone have a
chat."

"For your
information, he's reinstated me as Priest of Cumsdale Village
Church. Now, if you don't mind, I have things to do."

"That's a good
one. So Cardinal Browngrass has reinstated a drunken,
lecherous..."

"I'm talking
about me, Bishop, not you."

"You're a
fool, Entercock. You're a waste of time, a waste of space, and I
shall use my authority to remove you and have you..."

"You have the
uncanny knack of talking fucking bollocks, Bishop."

"How dare you
speak to me like that!"

"Oh, I was
forgetting. You're my boss now, aren't you? Still, I suppose
there's a downside to everything."

"If this is
true, and you are Priest of Cumsdale, then yes, I am your boss. And
I intend to make life hell for you until you're thrown out. I'll
ensure that every day you spend in this church is a bloody
nightmare."

"You really
are a wonderful person, Bishop. Your mother must be very proud of
you. By the way, I have in my possession several photographs of
Marianne. She's kneeling down completely naked."

"I'm not
interested in your pornography."

"She's
kneeling before a naked man."

"I said I'm
not..."

"The naked man
is you, Bishop."

"Me? Don't be
ridiculous."

"It's a lovely
photograph of your cock in Marianne's mouth," Will chuckled. "Close
the doors on your way out."

"Er... You
seem to have forgotten that I handed you the deeds to the
presbytery in exchange for your leaving the priesthood and getting
out of my life."

"Which I did,
Bishop - which I did. There was nothing said about my not
returning."

"This is
madness. There's no way Cardinal Browngrass would..."

"I might have
to show him the photographs," Will murmured. "You know, if I have
any trouble from certain people. There's you, for starters, and
that fat slag the Mother Inferior..."

"This reminds
me of the good old days," the Bishop laughed, obviously trying a
different tack. "Remember the good old days? You and me fighting,
always arguing. Ah, those were the days, Entercock."

"Yes, I
remember them only too well. You used to go to the pub and buy that
blonde tart alcohol. You used to fuck her rotten in the woods."

"Yes, well...
Now, these photographs. There must be some mistake, surely? Me in
the woods with Marianne sucking..."

"I didn't
mention the woods, Bishop."

"Oh, I thought
you said..."

"I said
photographs of Marianne kneeling down sucking spunk out of your
knob. As I said, close the doors on your way out."

As the man
made a hasty exit, no doubt running straight to the Mother
Inferior, Will burst out laughing. But he was well aware that the
Bishop could easily cause him trouble. There again, Will had the
incriminating photographs and doubted very much that he'd have too
many problems with the man. Moving the office furniture about, the
chair and desk, Will walked into the church and stood by the altar.
The voice he'd heard must have been kids messing around, he was
sure as he rubbed his hands together gleefully. He felt at home in
the church, at ease with himself, as he looked at the pews. Come
Sunday, the place would be packed, he mused as the doors swung
open. The sun streaming into the church behind a silhouetted figure
standing in the doorway, Will frowned.

"So," a female
voice called, the figure walking slowly towards the altar. "You're
back?"

"Yes, yes I
am," Will replied, trying to make out who it was.

"And I suppose
you're going to carry on with your old ways?"

"Er... Old
ways?" Will echoed as the figure stopped half way down the aisle.
"If you mean preaching the word of the Lord, then yes, I..."

"I mean
sticking your cock up every teenage cunt you can get your hands
on."

"I have no
idea what you mean."

"You know
exactly what I mean. Fucking, shagging, sperming, sucking, licking,
fingering, anal intercourse, oral sex, bondage, whipping, caning...
Do I need to go on?"

"Who are
you?"

"Wanking,
frigging, screwing, rogering, thrashing..."

"Who the hell
are you?"

"I am the
Angel of the Lord."

"Fuck off... I
mean..."

"Swearing,
cavorting, gallivanting, drinking, smoking, masturbating, selling
stolen goods, duty-free alcohol and cigarettes..."

"Now, you
listen to me."

"Selling
soiled panties, making dirty videos, taking lewd photographs,
corrupting innocent girls..."

"You just wait
a minute. You come here accusing me of..."

"Growing and
selling cannabis, lying, cheating, fornicating..."

"I don't have
to stand here and listen to this rubbish."

"Blackmailing,
pimping..."

"Who the hell
are you?"

"I am the
Angel of the Lord. Debauching, deflowering, blaspheming..."

"Right, that's
it," Will stormed, walking towards the figure.

"Are you going
to carry on with your old ways?"

"You can get
the hell out of..."

"Hi, Will," a
young nun grinned. "I hope you're not going to change your
ways."

"Sister
Teresa," he beamed. "You fucking little bitch."

"That sounds
like the Will Entercock I knew. How are you?"

"Angel of the
Lord, my foot. You put the fear of God up my arse."

"I'll put my
tongue up your arse in a minute."

"Promises,
promises. Come into the office."

Eyeing the
nun's pretty face framed by her wimple as she sat on the desk, Will
recalled the time when he'd been sitting at his desk taking a right
slagging off from the Mother Superior. Teresa had been beneath the
desk sucking spunk out of his cock while the hag-bag had ranted and
raved about Will's heavy drinking. They were good times, he
reflected as Teresa chatted about her time in the London strip
clubs.

"Why are you
wearing a habit?" Will asked. "I remember you saying that this nun
lark wasn't for you."

"It was a
laugh in the strip clubs, but it became boring," she sighed. "I'm
not a city girl."

"You're the
outdoor type, from what I remember."

"Damned right,
I am. I missed Cumsdale Village. The fun we used to have was
amazing, not to mention the sex."

"But, why the
habit? Surely you're not..."

"As from
today, I'm back at the convent."

"What?"

"The thing is,
I didn't realize that the Mother slag-bag had also come back.
Still, life will never be dull with her around. Anyway, what are
you doing here in your cassock? I thought you'd..."

"I've just
been reinstated as Priest of Cumsdale Church," Will announced
proudly. "And, before you arrived, I was thinking that the church
should be Christened."

"Christened?
Ah, I'm with you."

"Do you
remember when the Reverend Slagger was here and you were beneath
the desk..."

"Sucking you
off. How could I ever forget? God, I thought she'd discover me
and..."

"Entercock!" a
woman screamed from the church. "Entercock, you horrible, evil
little man! Where the hell are you?"

"Shit, talk of
the Devil's daughter," Will sighed.

"Fancy a
little déjà vu?" Teresa grinned, diving beneath the desk.

Taking his
seat, Will rested his elbows on the desk as the young nun lifted
his cassock and fondled his stiffening penis. This really did take
him back to the good old days. Gasping as the girl rolled his
foreskin back and sucked his swelling knob into her hot mouth, Will
listened to the Reverend Mother's footsteps as she neared the
office. Word travelled fast, he mused as the woman appeared in the
doorway and placed her clenched fists on her ample hips. Grinning,
Will waited for the inevitable explosion. Not only the explosion of
the woman's threats, but his spunk as Teresa gobbled and sucked his
bulbous knob.

"Get out of
this church," the woman hissed. "How dare you break in here
and...?"

"This is my
church," Will breathed shakily as Teresa moved her head back and
forth, repeatedly taking his purple glans to the back of her
throat. "Mine, all mine."

"Get out this
instant."

"Just a couple
of questions before you go completely insane," he grinned as
Teresa's tongue snaked over his purple knob, her slender fingers
kneading his heavy balls. "One, what has this church got to do with
you? Ah, that feels good."

"This
church... You shouldn't be here..."

"Two, what
have I got to do with you? You are the Mother Superior up at the
convent. I really don't see... Ah, God!"

"Blasphemer."

"As I was
saying... Ah, oh, that's nice. I don't interfere with the running
of... Oh, yes. The convent."

"What's the
matter with you? Are you ill?"

"God, yes. I
mean, no of course not. Why do you persist in interfering with my
life? You do nothing other than chase around after me, spy on me...
God, I'm coming."

"Coming?" she
frowned.

"Coming...
coming to the point. God, I'm there."

"Where are
you? Are you mad?"

"Ah, oh, ah...
Don't stop."

"I have no
intention of stopping."

"Ah."

"There'll be a
new priest here before long."

"Ah, yes."

"A decent man
of morals."

"God,
yes."

"An upright
man. Honest, reliable, dependable..."

"Jesus, that's
good."

"I can see
that there's no point in continuing this one-sided conversation.
You're obviously drunk, as usual. You'll be hearing from the
Bishop."

"I've already
heard from him. God, I needed that. Ah, that's better. Now where
were you?"

"I shall
return with a police officer."

"You're like a
bad smell, you just won't go away. You haven't crapped your
knickers, have you?"