Desire (24 page)

22

Isaac

It’s almost eight, I should have left an hour ago.
But I don’t know when I’ll be able to come see her again and I can’t convince my arms to let her go. Maya glances at the clock when I do, her shoulders tensing up.

“It’s okay,” she says, giving me a fake smile. “You have to go. I’ll be fine.”

“When we finally finish remodeling, I’ll be able to sneak over here a lot more.” And her leave alone in the middle of the night.

“Any idea how long that will be?”

“I’m hoping two weeks, three at the most.”

She nods, steeling herself as she reaches out to me. I pull her into my arms, burying my face in her shoulder a
s she tries not to choke on her breath. When I start to pull away, she whimpers and holds me closer. Maya rarely lets me see her cry now, but that doesn’t make it much easier to leave. It gets harder and harder every fucking time.

“Please,” she whispers, digging her nails into the nape of my neck. I have to reach back and interlock her fingers
with mine because if she leaves a mark, I’m fucked. “Just few more minutes.”

“Yes.” What difference will five more minutes make
?

Her arms clamped around my neck make it hard to breathe as I scoop her up and carry her to the couch. I don’t think she’s ever held on this tightly before. My hands run up and down her back, trying to calm her as much as I can, but I know exactly what she’s feeling because it’s killing me too. I would do anything to stay here.

Anything except risk getting caught and leave her forever. I remind myself of that very real possibility every time I need to go. Excuses seem so plausible when I’m here, but when I’m looking into Gloria’s skeptical eyes it’s totally different. I’ve fucked up twice so far, I can’t do it again.

But it’s going to be impossible to pry Maya off me when she’s holding on like this, when I can feel how much she needs me to stay. Her little body is pressed so tightly against mine it feels like we’re the same person until she
hides her face in my chest, taking a deep breath that turns into a silent sob she can’t keep inside anymore.

I thread my finger into her hair, cupping the back of her head as she trembles, her shaking hands making fists
in the fabric of my shirt. She cries quietly, but so mournfully, it sounds so heartbroken. She isn’t filled with fear, but a sorrow I understand so well. I only heard this cry a few times when we were at the apartment. It’s so much worse here.

“I’m sorry,” she squeals. “I hate making this
more difficult for you.”

“It’s okay,” I try to whisper, but it gets caught beneath the permanent knot in my throat that keeps everything I want to
yell and sob inside of me. If I say anything, I’ll lose it too. So I wrap my arms around her tighter, rocking her back and forth. Just five more minutes turns into twenty in a blink of an eye.

I
have
to go. Now. Maya stopped crying a while ago, but I can’t bring myself to leave her, every part of me is screaming to stay. The need to keep her in my arms is so primal, so overwhelming. My lust for her is a whisper compared to this howl.

She squirms in my grasp until I let her shift backwards in my lap, wiping her tears away herself before I can. But the torment in her eyes will haunt me until I see her again. She reaches out to me, her little fingertips caressing my face as I exhale and lean into her palms.

“Isaac…” She can’t bring herself to say it any more than I can force myself to do it.

“What are you doing on Sunday?” I ask, taking her wrists in my hands so I can
feel her fingers on my lips for just a few more seconds.

“Nothing.”

“I can’t come here, but maybe you can drive out and meet me somewhere.”

“What if she sends someone to follow you again?”

“She will. I’ll leave before the sun comes up and park in a forest preserve somewhere with a book. Glory knows I used to do that all the time. They’ll call her after a few hours and she’ll let them go.”

“Are you sure?”

“No, but it’s worth a shot. I’ll text you if it works and drive further out. We’ll probably get a few hours,” I choke. It won’t be enough. It’s never fucking enough.

“Okay
, we can try.”

“I’ll log on WoW as soon as I get…” I can’t even say it.

“Home?”

“That’s not where I’m going. Home isn’t a place for me anymore, if it ever was. It’s wherever you are.
You’re
my home.”

Her eyes water, but they’re happy tears and even though she’s
upset that I’m leaving, her smile is real. I kiss her face a thousand times before I can finally force myself to walk out the door. I can hear her sobbing, feel it in my chest, even though it’s physically impossible because I’m too far away.

Glory isn’t here when I get to her house, but every single one of her staff eyes me when I come through the door. They tell her when I leave, one of them follows me to the club every fucking
time, and I pay one of the construction guys to drop me at Maya’s house. Sneaking back is a real pain in the ass, but so far I’ve managed to slip in unnoticed so whoever she has waiting outside can follow me home. This ninja bullshit is getting really fucking old, but it will be a lot easier to disappear once people are flowing in and out of the place.

I tell Maya I’m busy doing something lame with Gloria on Saturday so she doesn’t worry about what I’m really doing, spending the whole day alone in the woods so
someone can spy on me there. I pick a busy lot so it’s more realistic that I don’t notice his car. The guy even follows me when I walk a trail. It’s hard not to laugh and turn around to see him scrape mud off his expensive leather shoes.

The next day, I leave early and pick an isolated spot. Just as I’m hoping, the guy calls after a few hours, probably telling her that I keep glancing at the
only other car in the lot. She must not want me to know that I’m being tailed because he leaves. Maya is so fucking excited when I call her.

We get the whole day. I see her hair shining in the sun, hear her giggling, feel her little hand in mine as we laugh at the awkward, fumbling sex we have in the back seat of her car. But at least we’re together. I pull in Glory’s driveway at four in the morning and she’s waiting for me with a barrage of accusations. I stick to my story of falling asleep in the
forest preserve parking lot because there’s nothing else I can say.

I pushed it too far and I pay for it. I don’t get a chance to see Maya for ten days. It
’s pure torture, it may as well be ten years. The only thing that keeps me going is hearing her voice every night. By the time I get to her door, I’m a walking corpse. There are no excited kisses that lead to fevered sex. I just hold onto her as she holds onto me until I start to feel warm and alive again.

The worst part is, there is no end in sight. I have no end game. Keeping Luke away from her seems so simple compared to the big picture. I keep telling myself I’ll come up with something once he’s gone for real, but
every so often, I can’t escape the fact that deep down, I know I won’t. Every single time I let her go could be the last time I ever see her. This is it, all we’re ever going to have and we won’t have it for long. But it’s worth it,
so
fucking worth it.

23

Maya

“
Aren’t you going to check that?” I ask, glancing at his vibrating phone.

Isaac looks back at me nervously. “I guess.”

It’s probably
her.
Which means he probably needs to leave early. My ears get hot as I start seething, but I take a deep breath, refusing to get upset while he’s here. I had him for nearly the whole day, it was a long shot that he’d risk staying the night.

He doesn’t answer the phone when he looks at the screen, so it must be a text. His jaw clenches as his eyes pop open, not the reaction I was expecting at all.
“What’s wrong?”

“Um…” Why can’t he look at me? What the
hell is he so anxious about?

“It’s okay if you have to leave, I understa—”
A knock on the door cuts me off.

Isaac’s eyes flick
up to mine. Why isn’t he surprised in the least? “I’ll stay here, just in case,” he says.

My pulse races and I
climb off the bed as the knocking gets more forceful. It’s Luke, it has to be. Shit. “Maya?” At least he doesn’t sound angry.

“Hold on,” I try to say, but it comes out a whisper.
My trembling hands open the door to a smiling face that I used to be so excited to see. A stranger walks down the hallway slowly behind him, looking intensely in our direction. He is way too old for that haircut and those clothes.

“Are you going to invite me in?”

“Are you going to be civilized?”

“Yes,”
Luke answers, nodding.

“Then okay,” I
reply.

F
or once, I wish Isaac wasn’t here. Luke strolls into my living room like he lives here even though he never wanted to come over. I’d feel so much better if I could leave the door open, but that will just set him off. I settle with making sure it doesn’t lock. There are footsteps right outside. Is that guy just hanging out in the hallway?

“How’s school?”
Luke asks nonchalantly.

“Good. I’m pretty busy.”

“Is that why you aren’t answering any of my calls? Or emails?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you even want to speak to me?”

“Not really,” I blurt out, closing my eyes. That was supposed to be ‘yes.’
The hurt look on his face has to be an act, right?

“I’ve given you space, just like you wanted
,” he explains quietly, looking down. “How long are we supposed to keep going like this?”

“I don’t know.”

“You need to tell me what I can do to make this right. I am at a complete loss here and I’m not giving up on us.”

My jaw starts to shake, so I clench my teeth. “I don’t know how to fix it, either.”

He lets out a relieved breath. “So that means you want to, right?”

Say yes. You have to. “I’m not sure.”
Crap!

“I made a mistake.”

“Just one?”

“I sent you to someone who I now know wasn’t stable enough to handle such a delicate case. I’m trying to resolve that.”

Holy shit, does that mean Isaac’s in trouble? “I didn’t think he was that unstable.”

“But
Piper said…”

I am going to strangle her.
“She thinks you hit me too. Piper overreacts, you know how she is.”

“So he didn’t hit you? Because those guys aren’t used to having so many restrictions and—”

“I told you, I read the ‘
program
.’ He didn’t color outside the lines,” I lie, laughing a little inwardly. “That is not the problem.”

“So you really are scared of me, then?”

“I’ve always been scared of you, Luke. I just wasn’t exactly sure why.”

“It’s not like I want to do that shit to you, Maya.”

“Because I’m so much better than they are?”

With a sigh, he takes a few step
s further in to my home. “Yes. Of course you are.”

“Do you honestly think I’m
okay with that? I don’t want to be your favorite whore.”

“You’re not.”

“I know. Christina is.”

“What?
” He blinks at me, totally shocked. “How the hell did you…”

This is
very dangerous territory. “Are you surprised that I know her name?”

“A little, yeah. More snooping?”

“Yep.”
I guess we have that in common
. “I think you underestimate my curiosity.”

“
Curiosity?” Luke snaps. “More like your respect for me.”

“Seriously?
My
respect for
you
? That truly only goes one way for you, doesn’t it?”

“I—”
He closes his eyes for a moment to calm down. “Maybe that’s something I need to work on.”

Fuck!
How far will he pretend to go to salvage this? “You love her.”

“No, I… It’s different.”

“Oh my God, you really do,” I gasp. “You promised it was just sex.”

“
It is, but… maybe sometimes it—”

“You lied to me
,” I growl. “You can’t love both of us.”

“Yes, I can.
Just in very different ways.”

“That one I refuse to accept, Luke.
I will never be able to live like that. You have to choose.”

“
Then I choose you. In a heartbeat. No contest.”

“No, you choose to get better at hiding
her and the rest of your girlfriends,” I shoot back, unable to stop myself from glaring at him. “Part of this is my fault. I’ve been lying too.”

“About what?”
He cocks his head to the side. There is no fucking way I’ll admit anything about Sam.

“Eve
rything. I was never okay with the cheating. I guess I was lying to myself the most, hoping it would get better, but it only got worse. I want to be normal. Not open, no
roleplaying
. Just you and me. And I don’t want you to pretend.”

“I thought we saw eye to eye on that.”

“Yeah, well, I thought we were on the same level in a lot areas, Luke. I can’t go through my whole life never feeling like I’m enough.”

“Maya… okay, maybe.”

“Yeah, right,” I scoff. “You think I’ll
ever
be able to trust you? Let’s just face it, I’m not what you want.”

“You are
exactly
what I want. That is incredibly clear to me now that I’m so close to losing you.”

“Because I’ll put up with all of your bullshit cheating. And
the fucked up, disconnected sex we have when you do feel like coming around. That was the most appealing thing about me, wasn’t it? That I’d accept anything because I’d just be so thankful to have you at all. You might have been right about that once, but not after this summer. Every time you walk out the door, I’ll know exactly what you’re doing.”

“You aren’t thinking about this clearly, Maya. And you obviously aren’t thinking about what you’re giving up. I’m willing to turn back the clock here and forget this all happened.”
Easy for you to say!
“We don’t have to do the freaky shit anymore.”

“You know how you get,” I
remind him, trying not to whimper. “We’ve never really had normal sex, Luke. I liked the BDSM thing when we first started because, believe it or not, I felt like I had a way to control
you.
I thought I’d be able to say no and you’d
finally
listen. But that is never going to work for you and I can’t forget this all happened.”

“
Maya, you only complain about it when we’re
not
in bed, you like it just fine when we are. We both get something out of this, we always have.”

“Yeah,
you use me to feel superior and I use you for a better life.”

“Y
ou’re acting like that’s all we are.”

“
Because that’s what happened to us. You started treating me differently when you didn’t worry about losing me, you weren’t sweet to me at all anymore. You were never controlling and then all of the sudden I couldn’t do
anything
right. It started to feel like a business transaction. Maybe that’s why you felt so comfortable using your colorful nomenclature. If you think I’m so scared of being a piece of white trash that I’ll put up with this, you’re wrong. You want me to be somebody else and I can’t, I
tried
.”

“Maya—”

“And you fucked my sister!” I scream out. That felt so good, I’ve held that one in for so long. Luke’s jaw drops and he starts to deny it, but it’s all over his face and he knows I can see it. “My
sister
. I let you do whatever you wanted,
who
ever you wanted and it just wasn’t enough for you. Everything was going so great for us, but you had to slap me in the face somehow.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about
. I would never—”

“Oh, come on. Do you honestly think Laurel
didn’t make
sure
I knew about it? That was the whole fucking point for her, Luke!”

“I… I was really drunk, okay? She came on to me.”

“Well, that just explains everything, doesn’t it?” I hiss. “I can see us down the road with our kids. ‘Where’d Daddy go?’ Oh don’t worry sweetheart, he’ll be back soon, he’s just off
fucking Auntie Laurel!
”

I’m fuming, so angry my hands are shaking and
begging me to let them punch him. Taking a deep breath, I remind myself that Isaac is in the next room listening to every word of this. And that this hurt doesn’t mean anything now because the speechless man in front of me doesn’t matter anymore. He’s just a tumor on my life that I need to remove carefully.

“I’ve been thinking about us a lot, you know,” I say calmly, breaking the silence. “Trying to figure out just how I put up with it when you hurt me so fucking much, all the time. I made excuses for all of it because I thought you really loved me and that’s what mattered.”

“I do love you.”

“You could say that a thousand time
s and I’ll never be able to believe it. I know you think I’m making a big deal out of the name calling thing, and I am, but the actual words aren’t the problem. You knew how sensitive I am about that stuff, you wanted me to feel like shit. You broke my heart into a billion pieces.” Dammit, I am not going to fucking cry over him. For the first time, he actually looks genuinely remorseful, stepping forward to run his hand down my arm. “It doesn’t matter if you never, ever say that shit and we just keep going like it never happened,” I say, pulling away. “You want me to feel horrible about myself when you’re inside of me and you will find a way to make that happen somehow. That isn’t love, it never was.”

“Maya, I—”

“You need to go now.”

“I don’t fucking think so. We are going to work this out somehow, we can find other ways to… relate to each other.”

“In other words, you want to trick me into thinking that I’m getting what I need and gradually turn it into something else. Which is what you have been doing to me this entire time. I see that so clearly now.”

Rage flares in his eyes for a fleeting instant before he hides it. That is exactly what he wants. “Cutie, we can’t just throw this away
. We have too much history.”

“I think the history is part of the problem, Luke.”
I’ve tried a thousand times, but I really should have forced myself to tell Isaac to his face. “I am not fifteen anymore. Life isn’t all new to me. If I say I don’t want to do something, I know what I’m talking about and
I don’t want to do it
. But you will always see that naïve girl. Maybe that’s who you’re still in love with, and maybe I love the happy, carefree guy that you used to be. The one that smiled all the time and always had such nice things to say to me, to say to
everyone
.” My voice cracks as his lips start to quiver, tears welling up in his eyes. “But unfortunately, that’s not who we are anymore and it might be time to accept that.”

Looking down, he
inhales deeply, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. Despite his best efforts, he chokes out a sob. I’m repulsed by my instinct to reach out and soothe him. I can’t let myself feel bad for him. This has to end. But he rushes over to me and takes his comfort instead, that’s how he is, hugging me so tightly I can barely breathe. “I can’t believe I let it get like this,” he weeps. “I am so fucking sorry.”

I can’t resist hugging him back, leaning into his chest as he
cries into my neck. I stop myself from answering back with ‘me too,’ Isaac is already suffering enough. “So am I.”

Luke pulls back, but
locks his fingers with mine. “I can’t stop thinking about it, about
you
. All the time. I just can’t believe this is over, it doesn’t feel real.”