Desire Disguised (22 page)

* * * *

Ben paced. He’d messaged Cara a few minutes before, and she hadn’t replied even though it was their usual time to communicate and coordinate a visit. He’d spent every night with her for the past eight days, sneaking in through the terrace door after Mat was asleep and exiting the same way every morning. He was going to get caught crawling along the outside of the building some morning by sharp-eyed Myltin Tarl.

At least Lia had already left the planet on her whirlwind tour to visit far-flung friends. If she’d spent more time with him, she would have soon discovered his involvement with Cara and been disgustingly pleased with herself that he’d succumbed to a romantic entanglement. As it was, she’d merely made a cryptic remark about him being vigilant for the Belascos’ sake and to let her know how their situation resolved with as much detail as he was able to reveal.

He knew she and Mat were home; he’d checked their arrival time and had taken the step of observing them on the security feed. The image hadn’t been especially crisp, because they’d moved quickly, but both had worn similar expressions of worry. Something bothered them, and that knowledge combined with Cara’s non-responsiveness made his blood pressure ratchet up a few notches.

He stared at his piano a moment and tried to convince himself he’d play something while he waited but knew he wouldn’t have the focus to even pick out a scale. Disengaging his datpad from around his wrist, Ben tabbed to Cara’s number and called her directly. He didn’t care if the tone disturbed Mat at this point.

“Hello, Ben.” Her voice sounded uneven, and he knew she was upset from just those three syllables.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m sorry I didn’t reply. I wasn’t sure what to say. I don’t think I can see you tonight.”

Her brief sentences, all vaguely deceptive, made him tense from his hands up to his shoulders where his old injury flared into an immediate ache. Had he done something to upset her? Ben frantically reviewed their more recent interactions and nothing jumped out, but he could have easily done something offensive and remained entirely ignorant of it.

They’d parted early that morning with kisses and smiles. She was going to have a day like all the others, and she’d even come out on the terrace wrapped in a sheet to watch him make his way back over to his suite. What had happened in the meantime?

“Why not?”

“I’m just tired and don’t think…”

“We don’t have to do anything.” Ben didn’t want to hear her try to brush him off, and his stomach was already knotting up. She sighed and made an indeterminate sound. “I just want to see you for a little, and then I’ll come back over here.”

They hadn’t spent a night apart, and the idea of going to bed alone filled him with unhappiness. What had happened to him to make him so desperate? He knew. He just didn’t want to admit it to himself, because it would hurt too much. He’d fallen for this woman. She was innocent and scarred, bold and shy, and made him feel more than alive every time he looked at her.

Cara sniffled.

“You’re upset about something. I’m coming over. Let me in.” Ben knew he barked at her, that he sounded like an interrogator, but he simply couldn’t ignore her distress. He closed the connection and left his suite, taking three quick strides to her door and pressing the monitor to alert her. The door didn’t open, and he debated on whether he should use her open code uninvited. If she didn’t open it soon, he’d have to. Just as he was pressing the monitor again, the door slid open, and he saw her. Her hair was tied tightly back on her head, her face was pale except for her reddened eyes. Surprisingly, she wore a sturdy jumpsuit rather than the sleepwear he’d expected.

Rather than bursting out all the questions he had, he took two steps inside and reached for her. If she refused his touch, he’d know he’d done something hurtful. Her lips trembled, and she rushed to him and buried her head in his shoulder. Relief filled him. Now, he needed to find out what had happened and fix it.

Her body trembled against his as she was wracked with near-silent sobs. He rubbed her back and held on as she brought herself under control. With a hitching cough, she moved her head back and glanced up at him, misery in her tear-filled eyes.

“Is Mat asleep?”

She shook her head and swallowed, and he took a deep breath and led her toward the living area. He’d never known her to let her brother stay up so late. They walked in to find Mat wrapped in a blanket and curled up on the sofa next to another crumpled blanket it seemed Cara had been using until she’d gotten up to let him in. The boy’s stricken expression was nearly identical to his sister’s, and he was again struck by their physical and behavioral similarities.

“Hello, Mat, what’s wrong?” Ben decided to keep his hand around Cara until she settled back into her seat next to her brother. He pulled the blanket up and around her as Mat glanced at her and then back to him.

“Everything.”

Ben nodded once and looked to Cara for some explanation. She tightened her lips and dipped her chin before speaking.

“We saw Soren this afternoon. He’s much better.”

“That’s good news.” Oh, but wait, it wasn’t good news at all. Now it all made sense. “Oh, I see.”

Mat shook his head and lowered his eyebrows. “It’s not fair, Ben. Just because he says so we have to go. I want to work on my school project. I like living here. I like having my own room and big display. Having friends. Cara’s happy here and that makes
me
happy.”

Cara watched her brother’s increasing outrage and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. She glanced back at him, her eyes misted with sadness. Ben’s heart contracted in his chest. As much as he wanted to protest and offer all sorts of reasons to stay, he knew he couldn’t put her in such a quandary. No matter how much it hurt, he had to put aside his own raw feelings and help the Belascos.

“I know you do, Mat. I do too. But we knew this was going to happen.” Cara’s soft voice tried to comfort Mat, but when she glanced from her brother to him, Ben knew she included him in the statement. She was right, they’d all known this was a temporary situation but that didn’t lessen the hurt. He’d just found her, and now she was leaving.

“Mat, it’s really late, and you need to get some rest so you can go to school tomorrow.”

“What difference does it make if I go anymore? I’m still going to have to leave for good in a few days!”

Ben reeled as if he’d been punched. A few days? That’s all they had? It seemed impossible that an older man like Soren could have just woken from a coma with newly repaired bones and nerves and be capable of space travel. He must be incredibly tough and disciplined. Or desperate.

“Mat, please. We’ve gotten upset about this enough for one evening. Go to bed.”

Mat flung his blanket down and stalked away. If the door to his room had been on hinges, Ben was sure he could have heard it slam. Cara watched him go and then turned to him, staring as if she wasn’t sure what to do next. He moved from his seat and joined her on the sofa, pulling her against his shoulder. She was quiet and compliant. He wondered what she was thinking. She seemed upset but that could be for a whole host of reasons, none of them to do with leaving him. The thought of her on her own somewhere millions of light years away, caring for her brother and the older man made him angry.

“Just how recovered is Soren?”

“He doesn’t seem well to me. He was exhausted from doing some diagnostic walks before we got there.”

“Then how will he protect you? Perhaps he’s overestimating his abilities. It’s foolish to think—”

“I’ll manage.” Cara’s quiet and sure voice broke his wishful thinking apart as if a swinging hammer against opticglass. She wasn’t fighting it. She wasn’t trying to think of a way to gain a few more days together. Ben tried to swallow his hurt, but the anger got in the way, and he felt his temper begin to grow.

“All on your own?” He knew he sounded skeptical but that was a better emotion to express than despair. That’s how he was feeling; terribly hurt his time with her was going to end so quickly on the whim of an old man who could barely walk across his room, yet expected to flee through the galaxy in a few days. “It’ll be a disaster.”

Cara drew away from his arm and stared at him, the tension on her face tightening into a glower. “I’m entirely capable of keeping Mat safe. And Soren too for that matter. I’m not a child.”

“Then make up your own mind and stop letting him tell you what to do.” Cara’s eyes widened as he spoke without thinking. With a quick inhalation, she pushed herself away from him and stood up, the blanket falling around her feet.

“I have to do what’s right. Not what I want.”

Ben stared up at her and didn’t know what to say. He’d probably already said more than enough. It was enough to have made Cara’s difficult evening even worse.

“Why not stay here? It’s safe. There are so few people, and we’re well off the main routes—”

Cara shook her head. “Soren has a plan.”

Ben stood up and paced, his anxious energy too hot to contain any longer. He needed her to stay, didn’t want to think about how empty his days were going to be, to know he’d never see her again. “I don’t understand how you can just go, just leave like nothing happened.”

“A lot happened.” Cara twisted her hands together and lowered her head. “Good things, but it’s time for us, for me, to leave all this fantasy behind and get back to our real life. That’s what’s waiting for us.”

“Real life? You call hiding and running and not using your name forever a real life? Cara, you’ve got it all wrong. If you’d had the chance to do some normal things before this, you’d realize—”

“All right. I get it.” Her mouth tightened and her eyes locked on to his. “You think I’m incompetent, can’t think for myself, and I should delude myself into playing house a while longer. And then, when the assassins come and decapitate Mat in front of me, what’ll happen then, Ben? Oh, wait, I know. They’ll kill me next and that will be the end of my fake real life.”

“You don’t know that, you can’t.” Ben backed away from his temper. Her fright and distress poured out of her in waves he could almost feel.

“Because I’m uneducated and inexperienced, right?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Ben dragged in a huge breath, held it, and when he exhaled he tried again. “I’m saying you’d be as safe here as anywhere. So why leave?”

Tears filled her eyes, and she sobbed once. “It’s gotten too easy. I’ve let my guard down. So we leave before I make any more mistakes.”

“You think it was a mistake to tell me? To trust me? What have I ever done to make you doubt me?” Cara flinched and closed her eyes, and he wanted desperately to go to her and hold her tight. But confining her might set her off, so he simply put his hands on his hips. “Tell me it was a mistake, say I am a mistake to you, and I won’t mention another word about this.”

He didn’t want to hear her answer, he wished he’d never said any of it, and he’d just given her a hug and left before this confrontation had heated up. But he couldn’t resist the masochism, couldn’t stop himself from watching her for even a few more seconds when he knew she’d be gone. Maybe if she negated what was between them, it would burn away his attachment to her. She shook her head and made an anguished sound deep in her throat as she pressed a hand to her belly. “This hurts. I don’t understand why it hurts so much.”

He didn’t know how to respond. He hurt too. Knowing she was in pain and he was contributing to it in some way cooled his anger and regret laced through him. She was sheltered, and he’d just blundered right in and compromised her worldview. It wasn’t as if he was going to be a permanent part of her life, and here he hoped she would say she cared about him. Confirm that their time together meant more than enjoyable sex. He was a selfish ass.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry we’re arguing. You need to rest, and we aren’t going to resolve anything tonight.” That was the mature response, the right way to treat her. He wouldn’t impress her by grabbing her hands, falling to his knees and begging her to stay.

“I’m sorry too, Ben.” Cara took a shuddering breath and tightened her arm around herself. “We can’t see each other anymore. That way.”

Another blow. Rocking back on his heels, Ben was stunned to immobility. He didn’t know how to respond. What had he been hoping for, a continual sex romp until she left? He just wished he’d known their previous encounter was going to be their last time.

Time to retreat and let the pain come. “Goodnight, Cara. Please rest.”

* * * *

Ben was comfortably ensconced in the single chair of the only tonsor in Pearl, able to look out the windows at the main street and observe life slowly passing by as he waited for his haircut. A lot of folks waited to have their appearance altered whenever a vanity ship pulsing with the latest music, clothing, and stylish adornments came in, but Ben liked the calm of Kimb’s place. The tonsor was willing to do most of the talking which suited him and the dark mood he’d been mired in since Cara had withdrawn.

As Kimb ran the clippers across his head, Ben reflected he much preferred the feel of Cara’s fingertips. Not that he’d ever experience it again. Whenever he thought of her imminent departure, pain hit his gut as hard as if he’d sprung a booby trap. Rather than sink into that pit, Ben tried to think of something good. His mind remained blank for too long, and he jumped when Kimb spoke up.

“So, I heard about the Emmert trial starting this week. What a terrible thing.”

Ben couldn’t nod agreement, or he might be nicked by the clippers. “Terrible, yes.”

“I knew Tym a bit. He’d come in for a trim whenever he remembered it, but I don’t believe I ever met Rory. They worked that claim in the northwest section, didn’t they?”

“They did.” Ben watched as a battered loader trundled down the street at a slow pace. It was overloaded with sheets of synthboard, and he expected one to slide out at any moment. If it did, he’d have to leave the chair and attend to the cleanup before someone else ran into it and jammed a toe, or broke the board, which would enrage the owner. Sometimes being chief of safety services was like being in charge of a bunch of toddlers who needed naps.