Destroy You (Destroy #3) (11 page)

Chapter 14

Trent

As soon as I stepped outside the hospital, my phone started to signal that I had missed calls. I pulled it out of my pocket and found I’d missed three calls from Trinity and nearly a dozen from my mom.

I had a bad feeling even before I listened to my messages. The first few were from Trinity.

“Trent, how long are you going to avoid me? Call me, please, I need to talk to you,” she begged. I wouldn’t have called her back, because there had been too many times she snapped and I went running. Each time, my life got fucked and she kept me tangled in her dysfunctional web.

“Trent, please, just please call me back.” Trinity’s voice wavered through the second message, and I suspected she was crying.

“I’m, um, sorry, Trent. If I don’t have you anymore, I don’t have anything. Please forgive me,” she slurred.

My heart started to race. I exited my voice mail and called my mom.

“Trent, oh thank God!” she exclaimed.

“Mom, I got some weird messages from Trinity tonight. It sounds like she’s taken some shit. I can’t deal with her shit tonight, Mom. My girlfriend’s best friend is in the ICU, and I’ve been at the hospital all night.”

“Girlfriend? Who is she? When can I meet her?” my mom asked.

I chuckled, despite the gravity of my suspicions about Trinity. “Mom, I promise I’ll tell you all about Toni later, but right now I need you to tell me what the fuck is happening with Trinity.”

My mom, Lydia, was young when she married my dad, barely eighteen years old. My older brother, Alec, was born a year later, and she’d barely turned twenty-one by the time I was born. Now that I was an adult, my mom tended to act more like a friend than a mom, which was usually great but sometimes uncomfortably weird.

She sighed. “I’m sorry I tried to get in touch with you earlier. You aren’t Trinity’s caretaker, and you don’t need to worry about her all the time.”

“Mom,” I growled.

“Fine, I’ll tell you, but this isn’t your problem. Trinity overdosed tonight. She’s at the hospital on suicide watch after they pumped her stomach. When she couldn’t get ahold of you, she panicked and called me.”

I scrubbed my hand over my head. I was torn between feeling like I’d let Trinity down and feeling like nothing I ever did would be enough. I couldn’t save her, that was obvious, but I still felt like I was supposed to try.

Melody approached me from the parking lot. “I talked to Lydia earlier. Please tell me you aren’t here to play white knight for Trinity.”

“No. Toni’s friend Becca is here,” I said. “She had a complication, and they had to deliver her baby. She’s in a coma, and we aren’t sure what’s going to happen. I was going to get the car so we could get a few hours sleep before we came back, and that’s when I got the messages. I was here the whole time that Trinity needed me.”

“You were here with Toni when she needed you. Why should she have to take a backseat to Trinity? Don’t start this self-blame shit. Just because Trinity wants all of your attention doesn’t mean you have to give it to her. What she did was selfish. You don’t belong to her, Trent, and that pisses her off. I like Toni, and I don’t think she’s likely to be too understanding if you ditch her for Trinity.”

I needed to check on Trinity. I wasn’t there for her earlier, but I could be there for her now. Would Toni understand? I thought she would. She wasn’t selfish like, well, like Trinity was. Shit, did I want to take the risk that Toni wouldn’t understand?

“I still need to make sure she’s going to be fine,” I decided.

“Where do you draw the line? When is it going to be enough? You go check on her now, and prove to her that when she throws a fit, you come running. Where does Toni stand in this situation?” she demanded. “Her best friend is in there right now fighting for her life. How would you be if it was me in the hospital?”

“I’d be a mess, you know that. You’re practically my sister. I’d hoped one day Alec would get his head out of his ass and you would be my sister. I don’t think I’d be able to think straight until I knew you’d make it.”

“I’ve been around Toni enough to know that her friends are her family. The way Jeremy talks, this is a very tight-knit group. Do you want to be the one she turns to tonight when she’s scared and vulnerable? The way it sounds, that person has been Jeremy for a long time, but it should be you now.”

I thought about Toni curled up next to Jeremy. I knew he would comfort her and it wouldn’t be sexual, but the idea still pissed me off. It wasn’t his fucking place to hold her when she was scared. It was mine.

“Trinity pisses me off, but I’ll be there for her,” Melody said. “Let me take care of her this time. Lydia will come and talk to the doctors in the morning. She’s probably sedated and not allowed visitors right now, anyway. If there’s a change, I’ll call you.”

I had a hard time not seeing Trinity the way she was when I met her: twelve years old in dirty jeans and a boys’ rugby shirt, with the face of a much younger girl. She was pissed at the world but somehow managed to hold on to her childhood innocence. That was the first time she came to live with us as my foster sister. I was sixteen and instantly felt a strong brotherly connection to her.

She lived with us for six months that stretch before her mother cleaned up long enough for the courts to send her back home. The next time she was placed with us, she was thirteen and her youthful innocence was gone. My mom continued to take her in every time the courts removed her from the home of her drug-addicted mother, until Trinity was sixteen and her mother overdosed on prescription narcotics and sleeping pills.

Perhaps my mom and I were gluttons for punishment, but too many people had given up on Trinity, and we wanted her to feel like she had a safe place to turn. Unfortunately, Trinity grew up to be a lot like her mother. When times got hard, she searched for salvation in a bottle or a man. I suspected for a long time that she had developed a crush on me, but I never encouraged her in that way.

Logically, I knew I needed to walk away this time. I couldn’t be her drug of choice, and I couldn’t live my life in fear of what she’d do if I couldn’t be reached. The problem was how I would manage to accomplish that. Even if I walked away from her right now, I’d still be afraid of what she’d do when she finally got out of the hospital.

Toni exited the emergency room and stopped in front of me with a confused look on her face. “I thought you were getting the car. Is everything okay?”

I swallowed. I hadn’t made up my mind yet what I was going to do. The truth was, I had to choose between Toni and Trinity, and I might resent the one I chose, depending on the outcome.

I rubbed my hand across the top of my head several times, like it would somehow help me decide. “Trinity overdosed tonight. I had a bunch of missed calls and found out when I stepped outside to get the car.”

“Go,” Toni said and held out her hand. “Just give me the keys to Jeremy’s car first, please.”

She sounded calm and very supportive. I dug through my pocket and handed her the keys.

Off to my left, I heard Melody huff and glanced at her in time to catch her rolling her eyes at me.

“Dumbass,” she mouthed.

“Are you sure?” I asked Toni.

“Let me ask you a question. If you come back with me tonight, are you going to be mentally here with Trinity?” she asked.

I shrugged. “She’s like my little sister. She needed me tonight, and I wasn’t there for her. I wasn’t there when she called me to try to find a reason not to swallow a handful of pills. If something happens to her, I’m not sure I’ll forgive myself for that.”

Toni’s eyes opened wide in shock for a split second before I watched her shut down her emotions. The temper I saw flaring in her eyes cooled, and a fake smile plastered on her face. She was giving me the facade she showed almost everyone, but this was the first time I was being treated to it.

“Then you should go be with her,” she responded dispassionately.

“What about you?” This was the choice I feared. Choosing Trinity might mean losing Toni. I didn’t want her to see it that way, but I knew she might. Still, I meant what I told her when I said I wasn’t sure I could live with myself if something happened to Trinity.

“What about me? I’ll manage, Trent. I always do. I better get Jer.”

“Toni, please try to understand where I’m coming from here,” I begged.

She shook her head several times. “I wish I could, and part of me does. You have a big heart, but it’s already full with your love for others, and I’m not sure there’s much room in your life for me. The truth is, Trent, as long as Trinity holds this knife over your head, she’ll always manage to come between us. I’ve already come in second to everyone in my life. I need someone to put me first.” Without waiting for me to comment further, she turned on her heel and stormed back into the ER. It was the only indication she gave me that she was pissed off at me.

“You, my friend, are a giant dipshit,” Melody said.

“Mel, how am I supposed to live with the guilt if something happens to Trinity?” I demanded.

“The only thing that happened to Trinity was Trinity. She did this to herself. Are you not allowed to have anything good in your life? Toni’s right, Trinity will never willingly let you be with anyone. You’re going to have to choose.”

She sighed. “And I’m afraid you just did. You know what, fuck this. I’m not going to go in and babysit that selfish bitch if you’re so hell-bent on throwing away any chance you have on a life. If you want to wallow in this dysfunction, go ahead. It’s bad enough we all have to watch Trinity destroy herself, but I’ll be damned if I watch you go down with her.” She seethed and left me standing outside the hospital.

Toni reemerged with Jeremy seconds later. She didn’t look at me when she walked past. I stopped Jeremy when he crossed in front of me.

“What was I supposed to do?” I asked him.

He turned to face me, and there was compassion and pity in his eyes. “You have to do what feels right. I don’t want you to resent Toni if something happens to that girl and you didn’t stay. Just remember, all choices have consequences, even the ones we make with the best intentions.”

I took a deep breath and reentered the hospital. When I found the charge nurse, I asked to see Trinity Simms. After she confirmed that I was family, which I pretty much was, I was led to her room.

Trinity was heavily sedated and in restraints. Even with the trauma she imposed on her body, her prognosis was better than Becca’s.

I pulled up a chair to the side of her bed and dropped down into it. It had been a long day, and I had been looking forward to getting some sleep next to the woman I was pretty sure I was in love with. As usual, Trinity always knew when to swoop in and fuck up my life.

“She’s going to be out all night,” a nurse said from behind me, scaring the shit out of me.

“Good. I’m too pissed off at her right now to talk to her,” I grumbled.

“You could return tomorrow and she’d never even know you weren’t here,” the nurse pushed.

I pressed my hands against my skull and squeezed. I’d pissed off Melody and made Toni feel like I didn’t care all in my haste to come sit next to an unconscious girl who had no idea I was here. I couldn’t totally blame Trinity for screwing up my life. I didn’t have to rush to her aid every time she got herself into trouble. Ultimately, I was the one who threw away my chances at happiness every time she needed me.

I hoped Toni would be more understanding after she’d slept, but deep down I knew I was going to have to work hard to make this up to her. At least I hoped it would be possible to make this up to her.

Chapter 15

Toni

Every muscle in my body felt like it was lined with lead. My eyelids scratched across my aching eyeballs. The combination of lack of sleep and crying until my tear ducts ran dry didn’t help. Also, I felt like a bitch.

I knew Trent cared about Trinity. He kept his soft side buried under tattoos and a general badass demeanor, but I’d seen it. I didn’t lie to him when I told him part of me understood why he had to stay, but dammit I needed him, too. Trinity was never going to let him go, and I wasn’t sure if I was okay with him running to her every time she acted out.

Each time I tried to close my eyes and sleep, I saw bits and pieces of the dream that has plagued me for years. Mostly flashes, but some other images began to mix in with them. I saw the same woman that was always in the dream running through a field. Her long hair floated behind her as she ran, and the look on her face was joyful. It was so much different from the terror I usually saw on her face in my dream.

Sometimes I dreamed of her voice. It was light and reminded me of birds singing. The words were sentimental lyrics from an old children’s cartoon about finding the one you love again someday. That was the worst, and each time I woke up trembling and soaked in a cold sweat. I couldn’t shake the feeling of loss that surrounded me. I hurt all the way to my soul, and I couldn’t explain why. I stumbled to the bathroom and proceeded to throw up what little I remembered to eat yesterday.

Jeremy came in and wordlessly rubbed my back. When I was done vomiting, he scooped me up and carried me to his bed. Once he had me settled in, he climbed in next to me and wrapped his strong arms around me. I burrowed as close to him as I could get and let the smell of his cologne surround me.

I promised myself I wouldn’t cry because it wasn’t Trent comforting me, but I was unable to prevent the tears from escaping. I loved Jeremy like family, but he wasn’t the one I wanted.

Jeremy ran his fingers through my hair. Nothing was more soothing than someone playing with your hair. His nails scraped lightly against my scalp, and he pressed his lips against the top of my head.

“I know how you feel, Pixie Dust,” he muttered into my hair.

“You’ve already used Pixie Dust,” I mumbled.

“Hush now, I’m exhausted. I’ll come up with something new tomorrow. Stop trying to lighten the mood. It’s okay to feel what you feel sometimes, and I do understand. I’m not going to tell you to hold on or any of that bullshit.”

“You aren’t?” I asked, surprised.

He squeezed me tighter. “I’d be a hypocrite if I did. It’s time for me to let go of Cameron. I need someone who is there for me. I never understood what it meant when people said that sometimes love isn’t enough, but now I do. Trent is going to have to learn that his love for Trinity isn’t enough to make her want to save herself and she is the only one that can do it. Just like my love for Cameron isn’t enough to make him accept himself for who he is.”

“I love you, Jeremy,” I whispered.

“I love you too, Fun-size. See, even with us, love isn’t enough. No matter how much I love you, and God do I, it’ll never be enough for either of us. Not with the
way
I love you,” he said in a wavering voice.

I nodded. I didn’t need to respond to that statement. We both knew it would be easier if we could just love each other romantically, but that wasn’t our fate. Jeremy was the other half of my soul but not the other half of my heart. I wished it could be different sometimes. I hated seeing him hurt, and it would be so much easier if we could fill that hole in each other’s lives, but you can’t choose who you love. I believed that with every breath in my body, because if I could choose, it would be Jeremy. Too bad my heart had a different opinion.

After our heart-to-heart, Jeremy’s breathing slowed and evened out. I envied him the ability to sleep. I stayed next to him until the sun was acceptably high enough for me to justify getting out of bed. I went to check my phone, which I had left charging in my room, but Trent hadn’t even called to make sure I made it home safe.

It hurt that Trent was too wrapped up in saving Trinity that he couldn’t even bother to check on me through text. I was tired of hurting, but I only saw more pain on the horizon. If this was the first time he left me to run to her rescue, I’d have swallowed my disappointment, but it wasn’t even the second time. Every time we seemed to get close, Trinity managed to come between us. I didn’t have the strength for it, and I was going to have to let him go. At least this time I wasn’t pushing him away to protect myself from getting hurt. No, I’d let him in completely, and he walked away from me when I needed him.

But my hurt over Trent’s choice to stay with Trinity last night was nothing compared to the fear of losing my best friend. I wasn’t a doctor, I had no skills that would help her heal, but I could take care of her family. Focusing on what I could do for Becca made me feel useful and took away the sting of coming in second to Trinity.

I knew Jeremy wouldn’t want to call Cameron and see how Scott was doing, so I decided to take care of that task first. He assured me Scott was fine, and Cameron sounded like he had gotten more sleep than the rest of us. He hated hospitals, after spending a few months in one after being beaten into a coma by Kate’s ex-husband.

Cameron was a good guy, and I cared about him, but we weren’t as close as we used to be before he started habitually breaking Jeremy’s heart. I promised I’d stop by in the afternoon to let him run home and grab some of his stuff. If he wanted to stay with the baby, I wasn’t going to fight him.

I got dressed while Jeremy shuffled around the kitchen in pursuit of caffeine. The aroma of coffee permeated through the house, and I felt my cells start to wake up. It was going to take gallons of it before I functioned on a basic human level, but I’d focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually I’d leave this mess behind me.

Jeremy and I rushed to the hospital with to-go mugs in hand. We got there earlier than visiting hours started, but the staff allowed us to go to Becca’s room anyway. Reed and Kate were slumped against each other on an uncomfortable-looking love seat while Aiden slept hunched over next to Becca’s bed.

As we walked in, Reed cracked open one bloodshot eye and grunted his greeting. He clumsily stood up and pulled an equally exhausted Kate up with him.

“We’ll call you with any news,” I promised before they asked.

Kate nodded. I opened my mouth to protest them leaving by themselves, because operating heavy machinery wasn’t something they should try to do in their current state, but she raised her hand and stopped me. “You don’t even need to say it. Jeremy is taking us home.” She grabbed Jeremy’s arm and dragged him toward the door.

He smirked. “I guess I’m taking them home.”

“Oops.” Kate giggled. “I guess that conversation was in my head. Um, Jer, would you mind taking us home?”

He laughed. “Of course. We’ve got enough friends in the hospital. You two look beat.”

Kate glanced at Aiden and frowned. “It was a long night. I’m not sure how much more he can take before he cracks. He bounced between here and the nursery all night long, and he’s only sleeping now because I spiked his coffee with sleeping pills.”

“Is that allowed?” I asked.

“Hell no, but it was necessary,” Kate said. “Honestly, Becca’s vitals have improved. I think the only reason she’s still out is because of the morphine drip they have her on for pain after the C-section, but until she wakes up, she’s still listed as being in a coma. Maybe I’m just being optimistic, but she’s too tough to let blood loss take her down. But I wasn’t sure Aiden was going to make it until she woke up, so I medicated him. Now we need to pray that she wakes up before he does.”

Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw Becca’s hand move, and I turned to watch her. Then her eyelids fluttered. She swallowed a few times and tried to talk but only managed a few squeaks.

I ran over to her bed and started pressing the Call button like it would magically teleport a nurse directly into her room.

“What’s going on?” Becca finally rasped.

Kate rushed to her side and grabbed the hand not hooked to an IV. “Shh, don’t talk. You were on a respirator for most of the night, and your throat is going to be raw.”

Becca’s hand weakly fluttered to her belly, and when she realized she was no longer pregnant, her eyes widened with terror.

“Calm down, Bec,” I ordered. “Your little girl has been better off than you. She’s tiny but doing well.” I looked to Kate to confirm that.

“Yes, Hope is doing just fine. She’ll probably have to stay in the incubator for a few weeks, but she’s alive. You scared the shit out of us, though.”

“Hope?” Becca whispered.

Aiden must have overheard Becca’s question, because he picked his head up off her bed and searched her face. “Do you mind? I needed to name her, and it fit.”

Becca picked up her hand again and lovingly stroked Aiden’s hair. “It’s perfect,” she whispered.

“Red.” He sighed. His breathing was labored, and it was obvious he was struggling not to cry.

Aiden and Becca needed some time alone. “Jer, I’ll go with you to drop off Reed and Kate,” I volunteered.

Aiden grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. “Thank you,” he said and hugged me tight.

I hugged him back and swallowed the lump in my throat. I was about to cry again but this time out of relief. I bent down and whispered in his ear, “I’m going to swing by your house and check on Scott. I’ll grab some of your stuff while I’m there. I know you aren’t going to leave here, but you should at least shower.”

Aiden winced and nodded. “Thank you, I’m starting not to be able to be near myself,” he joked.

Down the hall a bit from Becca’s room, thankfully no longer in the ICU, I collapsed against Jeremy. I fisted my hands in his T-shirt and pulled him to me; his arms came around me and held on while I cried.

“Those are tears of joy, right, Wee One?” he asked.

I nodded and released my hold on his shirt. I held his hand, and we’d started to follow Kate and Reed down the hall when I noticed Trent watching from inside one of the rooms. His gaze dropped to my hand joined with Jeremy’s.

My chin came up defiantly, and I forced myself to look anywhere else. I thought I saw irritation in his stormy eyes, but he didn’t get to be upset that I turned to Jeremy, not when he abandoned me.

Jeremy gave my hand a little squeeze, and I looked up into his ocean-colored eyes and smiled. He finally convinced me to stop hiding from my friends, to stop accepting less in my life.

Jer was right. I opened my heart to them, and even though the fear was nearly crippling last night, I would do it all over again. I also realized that as much as I was starting to fall in love with Trent, I would never accept less than everything from a man again. Until he could put me first, the same way I watched Aiden prioritize Becca last night, I couldn’t be with him.