Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (14 page)

Can’t quite believe we’re having this discussion in June but agreed to do it anyway and said we might as well invite Ria, Ned’s mum, as well. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Suppose I should be flattered that everyone likes my cooking - cheers MG, you taught me well.

Monday 30
^th
June

Max’s last week at ‘Tiny Terrors’ - the end of an era.

He doesn’t seem to be at all bothered as he’s looking forward to going on to Manor House with his new best buddy, Todd.  Fenella and I are relieved that they’re in the same class, as it should make the transition easier. Think it will be us mums who suffer the most trauma.

Need to remember to do some baking for the farewell party on Friday morning - don’t think anyone should have to suffer the atrocities of NM’s unbreakable flapjacks, as we did at last year’s Christmas party.  How could something that’s ‘deliciously nutritious’ threaten to break so many teeth and constipate you for a week?

‘Shaaaron’, the Chair, called to have end of term check on the Christmas fair.  Assured her that we had it all in hand and were geared up for the hard graft to start in September.

“Oh that’s fantastic, Libby.  I can’t tell you how grateful we all are.”

She rambled on in her gushing way for a while and then added, “Oh and my husband and I would like to offer our villa in Cannes for two weeks, with flights of course, for a raffle prize. Would that suit?”

Suit? 
That would do very nicely thank you.  But I may have to make sure that Ned doesn’t rig the draw.

Tuesday 1
^st
July

Summer seems to have arrived, bringing with it the dilemma of what to wear - what’s in and what’s not?

Having to make do with the ‘haphazard classic look’ as best describes my wardrobe.  Must try to make it to the charity shop soon, feel an update coming on.

Need to start thinking about what to pack for Scotland as we leave on Saturday - will probably only need heavy clothes so jumpers and jeans will be fine.  Certainly no need to stand on ceremony in Tilly.

Must also remember to pack:

‘Stuffed Dog’
- think Max will have a bit of separation anxiety from real Dog and puppies.

Lots of things to do on the arduous car journey.
  Don’t forget ‘Beatles’ compilation CD for Max who has a bad case of Beatlemania, aged four!  But then he is his father’s son and has been brainwashed since birth.  (Even during conception if my memory serves me correctly.)

Unusual paper napkins I’ve managed to acquire over the last six months
- strange obsession, I know, but Lou just loves them - especially if she thinks they came from London!

Crate of cheap wine and 2 bottles of Galliano
- we love our ‘hot shots’ with Lou & Cam - and with ridiculous logic, convince ourselves that the coffee in them sobers us up.

Paracetamol and liver salts.

Collected Max from nursery where NM was accosting everyone for a donation for the teachers so that we could “present them with a little something on Friday as a token of our gratitude.”

A
little
something would be about right.  She was asking for a pound from each mother (20 of us) and said she would buy for each of the teachers (6 of them!).

I know we’re not flush but it just seemed so mean and, considering NM ‘comes from money’, really odd.

Gave her a fiver and said to keep the change.

Left with her plummy whine ringing in my ears, “That’s
so
generous of you Libby.  But of course, I’m forgetting, you mix with the
vulgar
moneyed set now, don’t you?”

There had to be
one
bonus to Max leaving Tiny Terrors and I think I just found it.

Wednesday 2
^nd
July

Fenella and I now receive Manor House emails on an almost daily basis from various‘Mrs Doubled-Barrelleds’ (sorry Fenella), all either giving reasons as to why they’ll be unable to help with the fair or trying to bribe us with raffle prizes in the hope they’ll be exonerated.

Decided to accept all bribes, unashamedly, as we think we can manage with the smallish group of devoted mothers who
can
be bothered to get their La Perla arses in to gear.

Consequently we now have (in addition to all the other fantastic prizes):

More Veuve Clicquot than Fenella could spill in a weekend.

Louis Vuitton handbag.

Weekend spa break for two.

Van Cleef and Arpels voucher (or ‘Van Clit and Arsehole’ as Fenella and I call it)

Hermès scarf - do people really still wear them?

Personal trainer for a year - yuck, who wants to win torture?

Trip to Euro Disney for a family of four.

Matching his and hers Rolex watches.

Complete set of
signed
Nigella Lawson cookery books
- my God!

Feel a bit like Alice in Wonderland.  Seem to have entered a mad world in which I have no place.

Fenella just said, “Oh fuck the lot of them.  They’ll all have been freebies from clients or work perks.  All I can say is ‘thank God bribery and corruption live on!’”

Thursday 3
^rd
July

Another puppy has been offered a home - Nic & Rick’s wedding photographer heard they were getting a puppy and mentioned that he was looking for one.

We met him last night and, despite the fact that he also clearly bats for the other side, Ned deemed him appropriate puppy-owning-material.

He then totally floored me by saying, “You know, I’ve been thinking Lib.  That only leaves Dot without a home now and she really is very cute.  Shall we keep her?”

The man who said we couldn’t afford
one
dog now thinks we should have two.

I tell you the world’s gone nuts - think I’m the only sane one in it.

But he’s right.  She
is
adorable and Dog will be so happy to keep one of his babies.

In this insane world, there’s one thing I’m certain of - I
love
my soppy husband.

(Even if he does change his mind more times than a pre-menstrual girl)

Friday 4
^th
July  AM

Tiny Terrors Leaving Party

Independence Day -
Is this coincidence or is it because it’s a significant day in Max’s life as he moves on from nursery to big school and no longer needs me?

Told Max we’d decided to keep Dot as well as Dog and he squealed with delight and said we were the best Mummy & Daddy EVER and he was NEVER, EVER leaving home.

Not even when he was a hundred and three.

Guess we’ve got him for a while longer then.

PM

Tiny Terrors party was emotional but fun.

NM had managed to buy a box of Maltesers for each of the teachers - think she must have pocketed the difference.  So
that’s
how they ‘come from money’!

She
did
stick a fancy bow on each of them though, which made them look
so
much more attractive.

She also brought along some ‘Prune & Date Delights’ - a
big
hit with the kids. Not!

Poor Mrs Adams succumbed to one and then struggled with her ‘Malteser Acceptance Speech’, her teeth firmly glued together.

My MG’s ‘Tantalising Tarts’ went down well - she does do
exceedingly good cakes -
and I can still see the venomous look in NM’s eye as several mothers asked me for the recipe.

All said our goodbyes, slightly tearfully.  But when I saw NM, mine were tears of suppressed laughter as I saw her clutching an almost full tray of ‘Prune & Date Delights’.

I waved at her with the hand that was carrying my
empty
tray.

Petty I know, but very satisfying.