Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (12 page)

Book music - little band playing romantic show tunes for the meal and then wild disco until the early hours.  DJ must have lots of Shirley Bassey, Madonna and Cher.  Absolutely NO Elton John or Village People.

Panic tomorrow.

Flowers - decide where we will need them once venue is booked.  Also lots on top table and 30 buttonholes - NO CARNATIONS, lots of lilies, cream only.  Budget: 300.

At this rate, could be doing the flowers myself as well.  Discuss with Fenella tomorrow.

FINALLY - you’ll be relieved to know:

Photographer - all sorted.  Friend in the biz agreed to do it.

Our suits - leave to us, couldn’t expect you to dress us as well.  (God forbid!)

Rings - ditto - SO exciting!

Good grief - will this be the straw that breaks my over-burdened back? Gay wedding organiser of the year, I am not.

Oh well, tomorrow’s another day.

Thursday 19
^th
June

Dropped Max at nursery and quickly disposed of more puppy packages - becoming a dab hand now and don’t even heave when I do it.

Mrs S came in to say she’d finished her hundredth jar and gave me a taste of her new ginger and lime pickle.  Really hope she does well after all the hard work she’s put in - it seems to have given her a new lease of life.  Suggested she had little bowls of tasters on the stall to encourage people to buy.  She giggled.  “Again, Libbybeta, you are thinking the same as my Pritesh.  What a fine coincidence.”

Sounded her out about the wedding invite.  Had to bite my lip when she said, “Oh I am feeling very much like a woman of the world to have the honour of experiencing a lesbian wedding.  I will be there with my bells on.”

After she’d gone I set to work on the wedding list - knew my priority was to find a venue because I can’t get the invites printed and posted until I’ve booked somewhere.

Predictably, all Nic & Rick’s original preferences were already taken so, after a quick but fruitless web search, called Fenella instead - she knows all the ‘in places’ and won’t come up with 53,000 options like bloody ‘Google’.

“Oh, Sweedie, I know the most perfect little hotel on the river in Richmond.  SO romantic.  August though?  Leaving it a bit late aren’t they?” 
Thanks Fenella!

Gave the hotel a call and, of course, their main wedding banquet hall had already been booked but as it happened they had just had a cancellation for their smaller function room (a death in the family -  Yesss!) which they told me would  be ideal for 30 guests and had great views of the river.  We’d also have access to the river gardens should it be a nice day AND they were sanctioned to hold weddings.  There
is
a God …

Am viewing later but asked them to put it on hold for me - keeping all crossable bits crossed, although my tits have been in a tangle for weeks, and hoping for the best.

Called Nic who squealed down the phone a lot - think he’s a bit excited, bless him.

Friday 20
^th
June

Hallelujah - the hotel was perfect and very Nic & Rick - 1920’s grand.  Obviously couldn’t book the bridal suite for their ‘nuptial’s night’ because the other couple had reserved it (“Bitches!” as Nic himself bitched later) but got them perfect alternative suite with lovely sunken bath ideal for two - My homophobic hubbie didn’t want to hear about that though.  Started mumbling something about “too much information.”

Got some sample menus to run through with Nic next time we speak and also emailed all details to the invite company so they should be ready for me to post some time next week.

Almost forgot we had a Seedlings class coffee morning so had to abandon any other wedding duties for the day.

Finally posted Max’s birthday invites - must start to think what I want to do for
my
birthday - other than sleep that is, which I guess wouldn’t be very exciting for my guests.

Saturday 21
^st
June

Coffee morning yesterday all in all pretty yucky.  Thank heavens for Fenella - she keeps me sane and helps me to see the funny side.

The morning had been arranged by an existing Manor House mum who hadn’t wanted to take on the menial role of class rep but, in her elevated position as Shaaaron’s committee secretary, had decided to host a ‘little pre-term catch up for mummies - sans children, of course’.

Judging by her house, found it hard to believe that she even allowed her
own
children in there.  Wall to wall cream without a finger-mark, crumb or stain in sight.  Surely that’s not possible - even
without
children?

Our hostess, Prunella, “But please
do
call me Poo” (POO??), was obviously going for the camouflaged look.  Head to toe in light linen (perfectly creased but not
too
much - how do they get that effect?  On me, it looks like a rag dragged from the laundry basket) and with an immaculately styled bob - expensively highlighted of course. In fact most of the mothers seemed to be sporting the same shade of blonde - is it some sort of unwritten rule that I haven’t been told about?  Or a job lot?

Introductions were made and then the volume increased in the familiar Manor House way, punctuated with affected shrieks and guffaws - one in particular like a braying horse.  Who could be the most interesting?  Who had the most to boast about?  Well, I knew it wasn’t me so decided to strike up a conversation with the mum closest to me, Araminta.

Wish I hadn’t!

She fired off a round of questions - almost Gestapo like, as if every vital piece of information must be gleaned to find out if I was actually worthy of her time.

What’s your husband in?

Do you have a nanny or an au pair?

Which road are you in?

Really, only
one
child?

Where are you going for the summer?

Where did you ski this year?

She moved on pretty swiftly, so I take it I didn’t pass muster.

I then got lumbered with the ‘mummy everyone seemed to be avoiding’.  Can’t
think
why!

“Oh yes, Emily really is remarkably bright.  I would imagine that the school will decide to move her up an academic year once they realise.  Of course, Emily
has
been reading since she could talk and needs constant stimulation.  Emily really is quite special, you know.”

Managed to extricate myself as I was feeling a little ‘Emily Sick’ and made my way over to rescue Fenella, who was undergoing her own interrogation from ‘Gestapo Mummy’.  Fenella had obviously proved to be a far more interesting proposition than me and must have answered all questions to a satisfactory standard as the grilling had gone on for much longer.

Acknowledging me, ‘Gestapo Mummy’ gushed, “Fenella, have you met Libby?  She lives in a little hice, you know?”  (She
really
did
pronounce it like that)

Fenella almost spat her mouthful of coffee all over the dreadful woman and later admitted to me that if she’d thought quicker, she would have done!

Instead she answered that, yes, we had met and were, in fact, very good friends.  Hadn’t she heard that we were the new Seedlings reps?  She then added, “And Libby’s cottage is charming.
So
beautifully decorated, it once featured in ‘House & Garden’. Anyway sorry, Araminta, we really have to dash - Christmas fair stuff to discuss.  Can we put you on our list to organise food for the day?  Thanks so much.”

Both went off to collect the children from respective nurseries and then met for lunch.  Was still reeling from the woman’s snobbery.  Fenella told me not to give it a second thought.

“You’ll need to develop a much tougher skin than that, Sweedie.  Those types never engage brain before speaking.  Look on the bright side … we’ve dumped the dreaded Christmas fair food on her.  Karma, I’d say.”

I love my new friend - featured in ‘House & Garden’ indeed!

Sunday 22
^nd
June

Had quick catch up with Nic on the phone.  Told me I’m the best Fag Hag ever and he’d never be able to thank me enough for all my hard work.  He loved the venue, which they’d checked out on the web, decided on one of the menus and couldn’t think of a better person to make the cake than me.

Looks like I’m lumbered then - must start experimenting.  Got a feeling Ned and Max will be sick of chocolate cake by the time of the wedding. Sure with MG’s sweet tooth I won’t be short of recipes - sadly ‘Death by Chocolate’ hasn’t worked on her yet!

Just remembered, must book Mum to babysit on the wedding day as Ned doesn’t think it would be appropriate for Max to come.  “It may raise questions I’m not prepared to answer, Lib.  Not at his age.”

Judging by the slaughtered chicken answer, I have to agree with him.  Dread to think what he might be capable of coming up with.

Monday 23
^rd
June AM

Feel a bit more in control - most important bits of wedding arranged, 18 ‘yes’s’ to Max’s party and Christmas fair ages away.  Fenella is away for most of July and part of August though, so we’ll really have to get cracking in September.

Have decided on design for the wedding cake - just need a recipe to hit on the perfect mix.

Went to specialist baking shop and quizzed them.  Came away with a dog-shaped tin for Max’s cake and several alternative recipes for the wedding cake.  Ned will kill me when he finds out how much the tin cost but I’m sure it will come in useful over the years??????  Anyway paid for it out of child benefit (usually used for Max’s clothes but we
did
get all that designer stuff from Fenella, so we must have
saved
money.  Great logic!)