Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (13 page)

Felt quite yummy-mummy when I left the shop - even vaguely recall flicking my hair in MG’s style - Note to self:  DO NOT REPEAT, think it may have made me look like I had Tourette’s.

PM

Ned commented over dinner that, with all my new commitments, it was unlikely I’d ever find time to return to work, even part-time.

Then he really pissed me off.

“We’ll really need another source of income if we plan to keep Max in private school and we have to be realistic, it’s not likely that we’re going to have another baby
now
is it?  I mean, you’ll be 40 in August.”

Think the daggers I threw him were enough to silence him.  Not only had he alluded to my diminishing fertile years but he
still
hadn’t even mentioned any kind of birthday celebration.  That’s IT - no sex for a month, Matey (who’d want to bonk a dried up old bag anyway?  Well, apart from Pritesh of course.) and I am now not even
considering
organising my own party. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just another day.

Another day on the lonely journey to menopause - thanks for the reminder, Ned.

Tuesday 24
^th
June AM

Was chatting to Ruth & Beckie at nursery when NM approached.

“Oh I do think you’re
so
brave doing your own puppet show, Libby.  But I guess money must be tight now with the school fees and everything?”

Was too polite to point out that she hadn’t had
any
entertainment at PP’s party or that I’d heard on the grapevine the kids were so bored they’d nearly trashed the place (all 5 of them!)

Instead I held my head high and said that was the joy of having a fun-loving and gregarious husband who delighted in a challenge. Have heard hers is a computer nerd who she only sees at meal times.  She’s not to know that Ned is actually an inconsiderate bastard who thinks I’m a lazy, barren old battle-axe.

PM

Meal in silence as I’m not talking to ‘fun-loving and gregarious husband’.

“God, Lib!”  Ned eventually couldn’t stand it anymore.  “What’s up?  It’s not as if I called you a lazy, barren old battle-axe or anything.”

I may be off him at the moment but we’re still remarkably tuned in.

Wednesday 25
^th
June

Was cleaning this morning when a huge bouquet was delivered.

Card read:

“My gorgeous Lib.  Please forgive my insensitivity.  You are as lovely to me as the day I met you.  Look in my filing cabinet under ‘X’.  Love always Ned.”

Big suck up!

Ran to filing cabinet and pulled out the ‘X file’.

It would appear that my ‘insensitive bastard of a husband’ has been secretly planning my 40
^th
birthday party.  Obviously he’s had to do it all on the cheap but it sounds perfect.  He’s got ‘mates rates’ on a marquee for the garden (not an Argos special but a real one!) and he’s asked Fenella to do the catering (what front!) A friend of Nic’s will play the piano and sing and Mum’s been allocated decoration and flower duty. (Wise move not to put her on food!)

Guess I have some humble pie to eat and sex should go back on the agenda.

Thursday 26
^th
June  AM

Pretty tired this morning as we had a bit of a marathon love-in last night.

Spent a couple of hours testing out chocolate cake recipes - got a feeling Ned might need a bit of a sugar rush tonight.

Puppies growing by the day - still need to home two.  Must start asking around again.

Had a quick chat with Lou in Scotland.  She’s so excited about our visit next month and, as usual, is redecorating in our honour.  What is it with the Scots?  No matter how broke they are, they seem to have this compulsive urge to decorate every year.

“Och, Lib.  I can’t wait to see yeh.  It’s the highlight of ma year, sad cow that I am!”

Really looking forward to it myself - after all it’s our summer holiday.  Five days in brisk Tillycoultry - no sun drenched beaches for us, but Max’s education is worth it.

Just hope he pays us back one day and puts us in a top-notch nursing home.

PM

Max informed me over tea that everyone at nursery is really looking forward to his party.

“I’ve told them it’s going to be the best party ever cos my Mummy and Daddy are so funny.”

Sweet but so misguided. The last time we attempted to run through the puppet show, the theatre collapsed, we missed out three whole scenes and Ned went all theatrical on me because I, supposedly, wasn’t ‘interpreting Deliah’s lines’ in the way he’d written them.

Must try another rehearsal tonight - I will
not
let my boy down.  I’ll submerge myself into the role of Delilah Dog like a true pro.  No mother will ever have been such a dog.  Well, aside from a few I’ve seen at the school.

Friday 27
^th
June

Spent most of the morning doing chores with my left hand while my right hand was up Delilah’s fluffy little butt.  Practised appropriate doggy voices until I hit on the right one.

Got so deeply into character (mentally, that is, not my fingers) that I even answered the phone in a Delilah growl.  Thankfully it was only Fenella, who thought it was the perfect voice for a dog.  “So convincing I actually thought you’d trained Dog to answer the phone,” she joked.

She invited us round for an impromptu fondue tonight. “It’s retro I know, but such fun and I’ve just done a stock-take of the freezer and got loads of meat I need to use up.”

Agreed to be there at 8 and called mum to babysit, this time without the Delilah voice.

She was happy to look after Max tonight but then had a go at me. “I can’t believe you forced poor Ned into telling you about the party, you bad girl!” 
Just how old am I? 
“All his hard work ruined because you couldn’t wait for the surprise.  You were just the same as a child, you know.  Your father and I should have given you a good spanking!”

I thanked her politely for her opinion and said that I was sure Ned would be grateful for the spanking theory. 

Saturday 28
^th
June AM

Beautiful day so we decided to take Max to the park as they’ve finally re-opened the paddling pool.

Feeling a little worse for wear after dinner at F&J’s last night.  Great fun, as usual. 

Played lots of silly games and generally acted like overgrown school kids.  Sadly, Fenella fell asleep in (and I mean
in
) the Tiramasu so we didn’t get serenaded.

PM

Did first half of the puppet show and think it went rather well.  OK, so we’ll never rival Matthew Corbett but, for amateurs, I think we should be proud.  Ned keeps spouting on about looking for the motivation behind my character and making sure I pave the way for his punch-lines. 
Honestly
, he’s definitely in the wrong profession.

Drank a couple of bottles of wine while we were rehearsing so by the time we got to the second half it all went a bit down hill. 
Very
adult, alternative ending which resulted in visual interpretation of ‘doggy-style’.

Was sure the puppets had smiles on their faces when we put them away.

I know
we
did!

Sunday 29
^th
June

Mrs S knocked on the door while I was in the bath this morning and told Ned that Pritesh would be coming over next Tuesday so could I put on my prettiest dress and drop in.  “Honestly, Lib, the woman has no shame!  Who does she think I am? Your brother?”

Made a change to see him pissed off.  A little bit of marital jealousy does wonders for the ego.

Went to high-powered sister #1, Elle, for lunch.  Very rare occasion as she’s usually far too busy to
eat
, let alone cook. 

Were treated to M&S roasts which Ned was grateful for because she did
try
cooking once and he said it was clear that she shared my mother’s kitchen skills. Had I been fathered by the local chef by any chance?

Should have guessed it wasn’t a completely altruistic invite because after our individual potted trifles - MG would be horrified - she revealed her true motive.

“Now, Lib.  I know it’s
my
turn to host Christmas this year but you know what a hash I always make of it.”  (Don’t think Ned should have nodded his head
quite
so enthusiastically)  “So … Harriet
(high powered #2)
and I were thinking maybe you’d do it again - it’s so much more your thing.”  She then went on, “As you’ve got more time on your hands, it just makes sense.  Don’t you think?”

Ned piped up that it was true, most of my commitments would be complete by then but I know he was just thinking about his belly.