Dirty Little Secrets (21 page)

“Hand me your cup.” Josh took one bottle and put the end of his shirt over the cap as he twisted it off with a sound like air escaping from a tire. He poured some into my cup and handed it back to me. For the shortest of seconds, our fingers brushed and my whole arm began to tingle.

The beer in my cup had a big brown head of foam on it. I sniffed it like I knew how good beer was supposed to smell.

“Try it,” Josh said. His brown eyes crinkled up in a nice way as he grinned at me. “It's good stuff. Imported.”

I tipped the cup and took a sip. It was good—sweet and spicy.

“Root beer,” Josh leaned in and whispered. He touched his forehead to mine and laughed quietly. “It didn't look like you were enjoying the keg, so I thought you might want something else. I'm driving tonight, so I brought my own. Keep it in the cup and nobody will know the difference.”

“Thanks,” I said. I grinned and licked the foam off my upper lip. Josh had caught me dumping perfectly good beer into a potted palm and for some reason didn't think I was a total loser. What was wrong with him? I took another sip of root beer and the bubbles tickled my nose. We stood looking at each other, not saying anything for a long moment.

Josh tipped his cup to mine like he was making a toast. All of a sudden he seemed a little nervous. He leaned in, and it was all I could do not to put my hand out to touch his damp hair. “I'm glad you changed your mind about coming tonight,” he said.

I quickly glanced into his eyes and then down at the peeling vinyl floor. “Yeah, I got done early,” I managed.

“Have you been here a long time?” He probably wondered if I'd seen him and Justine.

“Long enough,” I answered, and got a puzzled look in response. Before he could say anything, a group of guys slid the glass door open and rolled into the kitchen.

“Dude! Good to see ya.” Dylan Roberts shoved his way in between us and gave Josh one of those complicated guy handshakes that ends with bumping fists. He did something on the football team and proved that fact to everyone by wearing his football jersey every day of every season. His broad back was facing me and a bright green number seven was right in my face.

“Hey, Dylan,” Josh said. He spun Dylan around so he was facing me. “You know Lucy. From school.” He said it more like a statement than a question.

“Right,” Dylan said, looking me up and down in the most nonsubtle way imaginable. “You were JV cheer for basketball.”

“No, I—” Instead of finishing, I grabbed a plastic cup from the counter. “You know what? Vanessa's going to be looking for that beer.” I didn't want to make Josh look like a weirdo for sitting in the kitchen talking to me the whole time. He'd done his good deed for the night and now I was going to let him off the hook.

Josh touched my shoulder as I headed for the patio door. “What's the rush?”

I looked back at Dylan standing there with a couple of other football jocks. This was so not my crowd. It was like seeing famous people in real life, and having one of them actually talk to you. At least until they figured out you weren't one of them. “For one thing, I thought I'd leave you alone to hang out with your friends. And second, I don't want to keep Vanessa waiting.”

“Vanessa's fine,” Josh said. He indicated outside with his chin. “Look. She already got somebody else to get her another beer.”

Through the glare of the light outside, I could see Vanessa talking to an older guy, flashing her teeth and tossing her hair. Sure enough, she had another blue cup of beer in her hand.

“And I can always spend a night sitting in somebody's kitchen talking to those idiots.” He lowered his voice. “It's not every day I can spend some time talking to you.”

It sounded like a line, and I had to look into his eyes to see if he was telling the truth. He was staring straight at me and not even smiling a little.

“Why?” It came out of my mouth before the censoring part of me had time to stop it.

Now Josh laughed. “Why?” he repeated.

“No, I didn't mean
why
, exactly,” I started. “I just meant . . . I guess I don't know what I meant.” This had started out so nice and I could feel myself blowing it. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down and not wreck it.

“No, no. It was a legitimate question,” he said. He took another sip from his cup, so that he had a tiny fleck of foam on his upper lip, and looked up at the ceiling. “Let's see . . . instead of spending the whole night listening to the guys detail the plays of every single winning game from last season, I could hang out with a pretty girl and find out why she's so mysterious.” He looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Is that a good enough answer?”

“I suppose so,” I said. “Except for the mysterious part. I'm about as unmysterious as you can get. And you see me all the time.”

“I see you all the time. That's true. I see you in physics every day, where I've sat beside you for something like four months now and hardly heard you say a word. I see you at the café, where you always get a medium vanilla latte and barely even look at me when I hand it to you. You come and go, but I have no idea who you really are. Does that make sense?”

“What about Justine?”

“What about Justine?” he asked. “She's got nothing to do with me.”

I glanced outside. “Yeah, but I saw you with her. When you were singing.”

Josh flashed another smile. “That was just a show,” he said. “It would have been perfect if you had been the one standing there instead of her.”

More than anything, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to be able to look into his eyes and trust that what he was saying was the truth. But the truth was sometimes difficult to come by.

The sliding door opened and Kaylie walked into the kitchen. “I've been looking all over for you,” she said, but she didn't sound mad. “You two just ran off together and never came back.” She grinned at me and raised her eyebrows at Josh. Subtlety was a skill she was going to have to work on.

I straightened up and took a tiny step away from Josh. “Yeah, sorry. Josh just wanted to get something out of the fridge, so I came in here to help and—”

Kaylie waved her hand in the air. “It's fine. I'm not your mother. Anyway, Steve told us about this other party over on Hillside, and Vanessa wants to take off.”

“No problem.” I took a last swig of my root beer and put the cup down on the counter. “I'm coming.”

Josh put his cup down next to mine. “I can't go for a while because I have to play another set. The provisional on my license just ended, so I could, uh, give you a ride home if you're not ready to leave,” he said.

Part of me was thrilled, but more of me was terrified. Kaylie was like my lifeline in a foreign country, and it was scary to let her go. “No, really,” I said. “It's fine. I'll just—”

“Great idea,” Kaylie said. She turned to me and opened her eyes wide. “We're bringing a bunch of other people with us so the van's getting a little crowded, anyway.”

I looked at Josh and he smiled, like I would be the one doing him a favor. If this night was going to count, I was going to have to take a chance. I could always get home on my own in time for my life to completely fall apart.

“Okay.” I smiled back at him. “You really don't care?” I asked Kaylie.

She leaned in and gave me a quick hug. “Don't do anything I wouldn't do,” she whispered in my ear, and with a smirk, she was gone.

I felt unmoored as the only person I really knew vanished into the crowd. Josh brushed my hand with the back of his, and I noticed, not for the first time, how strong his fingers were.

“You look like you could use another drink,” he said, and grabbed my cup from the counter. I stood leaning against the sink as he poured more root beer into both of our cups. While he was busy, I allowed myself to enjoy his broad shoulders and easy smile. Not a bad way to spend the last normal night of my life, really.

“Are you spending the night at Kaylie's?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “Not tonight.”

“What time do you have to be home, then?” he asked. I followed his glance to a clock above the stove. 10:06.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Tonight? Tonight, it really doesn't matter.” For once, I was telling the absolute truth.

chapter 18

2:30 a.m.

I glanced over my shoulder as the keys rattled in Josh's hand. “Are you sure it's okay?” I whispered.

He held the key ring up to the light of the lamppost on the corner. “Yeah, it's fine. Angie totally trusts me—that's why she made me assistant manager.” He found a big square key and fit it in the lock. “Wait here one second,” he said as he swung the door open and punched some numbers into the alarm system that hung by the front door.

I didn't know what time it was, but I figured it was way after midnight. I'd like to say that we spent the rest of the time at the party in meaningful conversation, but that would be a big fat lie. I spent the rest of the time at the party watching Josh as he played on the little stage out back. A couple of times during a song, he would look over, catch my eye, and smile at me. I stayed way in the back of the crowd rather than up in the front with the other drooling girls, but each time he smiled, a little thrill ran through me and I couldn't help smiling back.

The car ride here had been amazing. Once it was just the two of us, it was like the whole world dropped away. We sat in the car out in front of the party for what seemed like hours, talking until the windows were steaming and it looked like we'd been doing a lot more. I had trouble regulating what I was saying about school and the future and not touching on the past. I wanted to live right here and right now—not tomorrow and not yesterday.

“There,” Josh said as he pulled me through the front door. “If the alarm system went off,
then
she'd be pissed.”

We stood in the darkened café. It was weird being in there with the lights off and nobody sitting at the tables or waiting in line to order a drink. The only light came from above the sink in back of the counter.

“This thing takes forever to heat up,” Josh said, flicking buttons on the espresso machine. “You really don't have to be home?”

I shook my head and grinned. “Nope. Not tonight.”

“Your mom must be really cool,” he said. “Mine gets mad if I'm out past one, even during vacation.”

“Let's just say my curfew isn't high on her priority list right now,” I said. My mind flashed quickly to the sheet-wrapped figure in the hallway.

“Is your dad around?”

I just shook my head. I really didn't want to talk about me.

Josh was fiddling with stuff behind the counter. “My mom is on husband number three, and I think they get higher on the asshole scale every time.”

“And you don't want to go live with your dad?”

He pulled a carton of milk out of the fridge. “Don't really know him. He took off when I was a baby. Last time I heard, he was living in New York, but that was a long time ago. Besides, I like it here. I figure I've got less than two years before I'm out of here, and I can put up with anything until then.” For some reason, it made more sense when he said it.

“Do you know where you want to go to school?” I loved picking up little pieces of his life and putting them together to make the picture whole.

“I was thinking about Cal, but it's so close, you know? Mom is trying to get me to go someplace a little farther away, like UCLA or maybe Santa Barbara. Sometimes I think she's trying to get rid of me completely.”

I laughed a little. I always wanted to go someplace as far away as possible. I was thinking about the East Coast, maybe Boston. I'd go farther than that, but you run out of country someplace around New York.

“Come here, you've got to take a whiff of this.” Josh lifted the lid off a big gray garbage can that was sitting behind the counter.

My heart skipped a beat, and I could feel a shiver of fear run through my body as I stared at him with the garbage can lid in his hand. He knew. All this time and he was just setting me up for this moment. This whole thing
was
too good to be true. “Why?” I asked warily. I looked around, half expecting Justine and Cara to jump out from behind the counter pointing at Garbage Girl.

Josh laughed. “Stop asking so many questions and come over here. I promise you, this is one of the best smells in the world.”

“Are you making fun of me?” I asked. I could feel my throat closing up, and the last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of him. I took a step back toward the door.

“No,” he said, a look of concern crossing his face. “Why would I make fun of you? I just wanted to show you these.” He reached into the can and pulled out a handful of shiny black coffee beans.

Relief flooded my body. I took a step forward and immediately the strongest, thickest coffee smell I'd ever imagined filled the air around me. The plastic can was filled almost to the rim with beans.

Josh laughed and took a deep breath. He stuck his face down close to the beans and inhaled again. “Oh my God, I love that smell. Sometimes when I have to work really early, I just come in here and stick my head in the can and breathe for a few minutes. I swear, you can almost get a buzz going off the smell alone.” He took a scoop of the beans and put them in a big red machine. “Now, what can I get for you, miss?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what would you like? Anything. On the house. If we're going to stay up late, we're going to need some assistance.”

“I thought you had to be back by one o'clock,” I said. “That was probably a long time ago.”

“I said they get mad if I'm not home by one o'clock,” he said. “I didn't say that I always do as I'm told. I'm working the early shift tomorrow, but I'm not about to abandon a girl with no curfew by going home on time.”